Marshall stared at her when he saw her and instantly hung up. He stood up and walked around his desk to meet her. She had a strange, vacant look in her eyes.
“Ashley, are you all right? What are you doing here?” She wanted to tell him she wasn’t sure, and didn’t know, but she didn’t say anything, and stopped to catch her breath.
“I had to see you,” she said, searching his eyes for the answers she had been looking for for days, months, years. All she saw was the CEO of UPI in his corner office. She wondered if that was all that had ever been there and she had imagined the rest, or if at first it had been different. And even now, when he made love to her, his eyes were full of desire and passion. He wanted her, but she was never sure he loved her, and she wasn’t now.
“I’ll see you tonight,” he said with a worried expression and walked over to close the door while she watched him. “You can’t come here, Ashley, I’m busy. Go home.” She looked out of control, and he could see that she was shaking. But suddenly she felt more lucid than she had in years.
“Do you love me?”
“Of course I love you. What’s this all about? Why did you come here? I just left my wife for you. I think that’s ample proof that I love you.” But she looked at him and shook her head.
“You left your wife to save your job, not because you love me. If you loved me, you’d have left her years ago, and you never did till they put your job on the line, and your ass,” she said bluntly.
“What difference does it make? You got what you wanted. Isn’t that enough?” He was starting to look angry. He didn’t like her question, or her attitude, and he wanted her to leave. She was out of line. And he didn’t want her making a scene in his office.
“No, it’s not enough,” she said quietly as she stopped shaking. “Because you almost got rid of me last week instead of her. And next time it might be me.”
“Not if you behave,” he said just as bluntly, with anger smoldering in his eyes. She was supposed to be grateful to him, and she wasn’t. She wanted more. She wanted his heart.
“And what does that mean? What am I supposed to do for you? What are the ground rules? I had your babies. I stuck by you. I loved you for eight years. That wasn’t enough to make you leave her. And Liz did everything you wanted for almost thirty years. And what did she get? You cheated on her and lied to her and came down here to sleep with me. You had two children behind her back. And now you fired her, to save your job.”
“Is this about money? Do you want some kind of financial guarantee?” It didn’t surprise him. Nothing did. But he didn’t like it from her. And she just shook her head.
“No, it’s not about money. It’s about love,” she said, and she could see the answer to her question in his eyes. “You don’t love me, Marshall. You never did. You don’t love Liz. You don’t love our kids, hers or mine. You love you, and your career. And you know what? That’s not enough. I don’t need a house in Hillsborough, or even the one in Malibu. I don’t need your money. I only needed you. And all you’ll ever give me is all the stuff that goes with it, for as long as it’s convenient for you. As long as I don’t cost you your precious career in some way. But you don’t love me.” She had the answer that she needed now. It was crystal clear to her, and she knew it might nearly kill her, but she had to get away from him, whatever it took. “I can’t do this. I gave you everything I had for eight years. There’s nothing left. You killed it. When you came down here to dump me last week and told me about it after you changed your mind, it was over for me. I know that one day you’ll do the same thing to me you just did to Liz. I don’t trust you, Marshall. I love you. But I could never trust you again. And I can’t live with a man I don’t respect.” She was calmer as she said it than she’d ever been. And as she said the words to him, he crossed the room and grabbed her arm. He had a viselike grip on it as he looked into her eyes.
“I don’t care if you trust me, Ashley. Or respect me. You’ll do what I say. I just left my wife for you, which you’ve been torturing me to do for eight years. Now you have what you wanted. You can’t go back on it. We have children. We’re going to get married, and you’re not going to catapult me into some kind of scandal because I left Liz for you. I’ll pay you whatever you want.”
“I don’t want anything from you,” she said, “except for you to be responsible for your daughters. Beyond that, I want nothing for myself. And I’m sorry if you left Liz and it causes a scandal for you. You should have thought of that a long time ago when I got pregnant and you told me you’d marry me and never did. You should have left her then, not now for UPI. That’s between you and them. I’m not going to be the solution to your problem if you don’t love me, Marshall. I’m not going to spend the rest of my life with a man who doesn’t love me and never did. I deserve better than that.”
“Is there someone else?” he asked, letting go of her arm. He had frightened himself for a minute at how hard he was holding her. “Is that what this is about? Another man?”
“No, there isn’t.” She knew she wasn’t leaving him for Geoff, so she was honest when she said it. She had no idea what would happen with Geoff, if anything. This was only about Marshall.
“You’ll pay for this forever, Ashley, if you leave me now,” he said, with murder in his eyes. He would never forgive her if she walked out on him, and she could see it on his face. But staying with him would be worse.
“I already paid for it, for eight years, with everything I had. I can’t do it, Marshall, I’m sorry.” She walked to the door, and he watched her go. She turned to look at him as she opened the door. “I love you. I always did,” she said, and walked out of his office as he stared after her with a look of rage. He strode to the door and saw her disappear down the hall, then slammed it with his entire force. But he didn’t run after her. He didn’t try to stop her. He knew what he had to do now, if it wasn’t too late.
* * *
Ashley left the building with tears streaming down her face. She knew that she still loved him, but she couldn’t be with him, and now she knew all the reasons why. There was no one inside those eyes. She had never let herself see that before. She hadn’t wanted to. She had listened to his words and promises and forgiven all he never did. But she no longer could.
She drove home to Malibu, blinded by her tears, and walked into her house. She wondered if she’d have to move now, but it didn’t matter if she did. He could have the house back, in exchange for her life. She had all she needed, the memories of how much she loved him, and her girls.
With shaking hands, she looked up the number of one of the mothers from day camp and asked her to take Kendall and Kezia home with her. She said she had a fever and a terrible flu, and the other woman very kindly offered to keep them for the night, which Ashley said would be great. And she sounded as sick as she claimed.
And then she went upstairs and went to bed. She curled up in a fetal position, and she wondered if Marshall would show up and try to convince her to stay with him. It might have meant something if he did, but she knew it wouldn’t change her mind. But he never came or called that day. He had let her walk out of his life like a business deal that had gone sour. And she knew she would never forget the fury in his eyes. He wasn’t heartbroken or afraid of losing her. He was livid that she wasn’t doing what he wanted her to, and that he had ended his marriage for nothing, for her, after all this time. She couldn’t blame him for being angry. She knew he would be. But she had to save herself.
Geoff called her several times that night. She didn’t answer, or listen to his messages. She didn’t want to hear his voice. She needed time to mourn. And Marshall never called her at all. She lay in bed and cried all night. The truth had been exposed, and no matter how much it hurt, she knew she had done the right thing. She was free.
Marshall left Los Angeles at six o’clock that night, the same day he had arrived. It was a slow week in L.A., and he had nothing more to say to Ashley. He wasn’t going to play those games with her and “p
rove” to her that he loved her. He had done enough. He called Tahoe on the way to the airport, and the housekeeper told him that Liz had gone to Ross for the night and would be back the next day. That was easier for him anyway.
They touched down in San Francisco just before seven o’clock. And he reached the house in Ross at eight. There had been traffic on the bridge.
He let himself into the house, and Liz was in the living room and looked at him when he walked in. She was going through stacks of books and there were cartons on the floor. She had already called a Realtor, and they were having an open house the following week, and she was starting to get rid of things.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were in L.A.” It was why she had come down, and she had left Lindsay at the lake. They were alone in the house. She had spoken in an icy tone.
“I came back,” he said in a subdued tone. “I want to talk to you.”
“I have nothing to say. I want you to leave now. I’m going back up to the lake tomorrow. You can come here then. And I want you out before we move back. They’re starting to show the house next week.”
“You’re selling it?” he asked her, and made no move to leave. Her face looked ravaged and her eyes were bleak. She was wearing torn jeans and an old T-shirt and sneakers to pack up the books. And she looked as though she didn’t care how she looked. He could see that she had lost weight just in a few days.
“Yes, I’m selling the house,” she said in a flat voice. She didn’t tell him, but she had decided to move to the city, and Lindsay liked the idea. So did she. She wanted a whole new life and to forget everything about her life with Marshall. She wanted to get out of the house in Ross as fast as she could and never see it again. Their whole existence there had been a lie, and she wanted no sign of it in her life. She was selling everything, even their furniture and the art. She wanted a fresh start, with no evidence of him. “I asked you to leave,” she said again. This was harder than he thought. He sat down instead and watched her work while she ignored him.
“Look,” he began in a gentle tone, “what I said to you the other day needed to come out. I couldn’t live with the lies anymore. I should have told you years ago, Liz, but I didn’t. I was wrong,” he said, standing up again and slowly approaching where she stood, like an animal he was afraid to frighten away. A wounded animal he had shot and injured and was now looking for in the woods. She was hiding from him. “I got myself in a tough situation, and I didn’t know how to get out of it. I felt obligated to her. She was young, she had no money, she wanted to have the babies, but my allegiance was always to you, which was why I never left you for her.” He wondered as he said it if it was actually true, if he had loved Liz more than he thought, and that was why he hadn’t left her. Or had he wanted to avoid the scandal of leaving his wife for another woman who had had two children by him? He was no longer sure. All he knew was that he didn’t want the scandal it would create now. It would be better for all of them if they just put it behind them and went on as they were. Better for him anyway, and for Liz, rather than facing a whole new life alone at her age, although he didn’t say that to her.
As he spoke, Liz stopped what she was doing and turned to look at him with eyes so full of contempt and hatred that it shook him to his core. Ashley had looked agonized when she came to his office, and he knew she loved him even if she didn’t want to be with him anymore. But Liz was ice cold. And her voice was venomous when she spoke. He was dirt under her feet.
“Let me make this clear to you,” she said to the man who had been her husband and whom she hated now. “I don’t care what you think, or what you said, or how you did it, or what you want to explain to me. I don’t care about any of it, Marshall, nor about you. You did it. It’s over. And you did it for a lot of years. You made a lie out of our life, and you made a fool out of me and a joke out of everything I felt for you and tried to do for you. I actually cared about your career, and about you. I loved you. I don’t know why, but I did, while you were living with that woman and having babies with her. As far as I’m concerned, you’re dead. It’s over. I feel nothing for you. I don’t care what happens to your career or to you. I don’t give a damn if you’re sorry or thought I should know the truth, or why. Now I know. You’re history, and I want to forget everything I ever knew about you or that I know you at all. I don’t. I had no idea who you really were then, and I don’t want to know now. Now get out of my house, or I’ll call the police.” She stood staring at him, and he knew she meant it from the look in her eyes.
He started to say something to her but knew he couldn’t. He had lost them both. He had miscalculated and made the wrong move. He should have gotten rid of Ashley in the first place, and never told Liz the truth. He had played it wrong.
“Liz, will you reconsider?” He was pleading with her. He needed her. He knew that now. He didn’t need Ashley, he had wanted her, which was different, but he needed Liz.
“I hope you’re joking. No, I won’t reconsider. I told you, I’m calling the police.” She reached for the phone as she said it with a wicked look in her eye. He was a stranger to her now.
“I’m leaving,” he said quietly, to calm her down. She watched him pick up his jacket and walk to the door. “Liz?”
“No,” she said, and watched him close the door behind him. And as he walked to his car, there were tears streaming down his cheeks. He had lost everything with one fell swoop. And as she heard him drive away, Liz went back to boxing up the books, and hoped she’d never see him again.
Chapter 23
It took Ashley three days to come out of her shell. She lay in bed until then, barely able to move or talk. Kendall and Kezia stayed with their friends for two days, and they came back to Ashley at bedtime on Friday night. When she saw them, she couldn’t help wondering when Marshall would ever see them again. She had had an e-mail from his attorney, offering her a settlement she didn’t want, and explaining to her about the trusts Marshall had set up for the girls when they were born. And he was giving her the house and putting it in her name. But the attorney had said nothing about visitation, school holidays, vacations, or wanting time with the girls. He said that Marshall would address those issues later when everything else was settled. He wanted to see the girls, but not Ashley. And she didn’t want to see him either. But their girls needed a father. She knew it shouldn’t have surprised her that he was in no rush to visit them, given everything she knew about him now, but it did anyway. And all she could hope was that he would spend time with the girls in the future. They adored him, and not being with him even for a while would be hard on them.
The twins were happy to see her, she told them she’d been sick, and she put them to bed that night, and took a long hot bath. She’d had a dozen messages from Geoff, and she knew he was worried sick about her, but she wasn’t ready to talk to him yet. She texted him to stay away.
The first call she took was from Bonnie on Saturday morning. She had just finished work on her latest movie, and wanted to check in. They hadn’t talked in weeks, and she had no idea what had been happening in Ashley’s life.
“So what’s new?” she asked Ashley, sounding bright and cheerful. She had missed her, and wanted to see her and the girls. She suggested dinner that night. Ashley felt like she was convalescing from a long illness or a serious accident and wasn’t sure she was up to going out. It had only been three days, but she felt like she was detoxing from eight years of hard drugs. Marshall had been the hardest drug of all.
“Nothing much,” she said to Bonnie. She was still tired but better than she had been.
“That was some picture,” Bonnie told her. “You wouldn’t believe the special effects. I thought they were going to blow us all up on the last day. They used real dynamite.”
“I left Marshall.” There was silence at the other end.
“You what? Rewind that for a minute. Did I miss something? You were madly in love with him the last time I talked to you, and wanted him to leave his wife.”
“He finally did. For all the wrong reasons. The board found out about us, and they told him he had to clean up his act. Liz or me. He was going to get rid of me, and told me about it. But he got rid of Liz instead. And then I went crazy for a few days and realized that it had nothing to do with me, just his career, which is really all he cares about. So I went to his office and went a little nuts, and walked out on him. That’s the short version, but it tells you enough.”
“Holy shit, Ash. He left Liz and you left him after that?”
“Yeah.”
“He must have been ready to kill you.”
“He looked like it. He was ready to file for divorce. I never thought that, when I got what I wanted, it would be so meaningless. I don’t think he ever loved me, or the girls. He must have tried to go back to Liz the same day.” She knew him well.
“If she took him back. It sounds like he blew it with both of you. Pretty stupid for a smart guy.”
“Yeah, maybe so.”
Ashley invited her to come over later, and then she called Geoff and apologized for not calling him sooner.
“Are you okay?” He had sounded frantic on his messages, but calmer now that he could hear her. He had been worried sick about her, and wondering what was happening with Marshall. He thought she might be in San Francisco with him, but she said she wasn’t.
“I was right here,” she said softly. “But I couldn’t talk to you. I needed to mourn it.”
Power Play: A Novel Page 26
