by LP Lovell
God damn it, my heart squeezes so hard as I read over that text. I miss him too, and it’s fucking with my head. Don’t get me wrong, I miss Alex, but with Hugo, I feel like the colour has been drained from my world just a little. It’s not that Alex is lacking or anything like that, it’s just…Hugo. He walks into a room, and makes people happy. He never fails to make me smile, no matter what mood I’m in. It’s what he does. Funny that you can have everything in the world, but all any of us ultimately want is to be happy. You can’t put a price on that.
As much as he’s a dick ninety percent of the time, he cares in his own weird way. I don’t want to see pictures of his cock particularly, but I know what he’s doing. I was bitching at him the day before he left, because I’m jealous. I want to go to Vegas! He said he would document it, and it would be like I was there. I swear to god though, if he films himself fucking some dirty hooker I’m disowning him.
Lilly has been going nuts, because she hasn’t heard from Theo. I got a text when they got there, saying that Hugo had confiscated his phone so that he couldn’t be ‘a pussy whipped little bitch.’ His words not mine.
“Why is it that Theo can’t have his phone and yet Hugo is texting you non-stop. Who’s the pussy bitch now?” She cocks an eyebrow at me and I have to try hard not to laugh. Boy, is she pissy today. At least Theo will be back tonight, and then she can stop being a crazy bitch. I never thought I would see the day when my man eating best friend would get so irate over a guy. It’s cute.
“Because Theo is the stag? Anyway, at least you know he’s okay. I have two guys on the inside.”
She smirks. “I wonder how that’s going with Hugo and Alex.” She muses. I’ll admit I wasn’t thrilled at the prospect of them going to Vegas together, but Theo likes Alex, they’ve become pretty friendly. I want them to get on, and I love that he’s been so easily accepted into the group. I know that Hugo would never say anything to him, but my guilty conscience is feeding my insecurities. I don’t know that I’m even that worried about Alex knowing, but I can’t bare for him to look at me like I’m some dirty slut.
“I’m sure they’re fine.” I say as I skim over the magazine in front of me. It’s Sunday and its sunny, so we’re hanging out in the park, attempting to get a tan. I suggested a picnic, but Lilly came armed with a bottle of Pimms, apparently that’s all the sustenance she needs. I brought Gary along, and he’s loving the sunbathing idea. I’m staying with Lilly whilst the boys are away. Even George got an invite, but he couldn’t go because he had some big audition. I volunteered to have Gary, because otherwise he was going to have to stay with Maria, and she hates him. He owes me.
“Molly I love you, but you cannot see the wood for the trees sometimes.” She pulls her sunglasses onto her face and lays back on the blanket. “I mean, Hugo has texted you how many times already?”
I shrug, trying to blow her off. “Lots.”
She leans up on her elbow and tilts her head forward, making her sunglasses slide down her nose. Her green eyes latch onto mine. “More than Alex, your boyfriend. Hugo has a thing for you.”
I laugh. “Hugo has a thing for anything with a vagina.”
“Don’t do that.” She cuts me off, waving her finger around. “Don’t act like the way he is with you is normal. I don’t see him going to get his nails done with other girls, or grovelling because he fucked up. He doesn’t care that he fucks up Mole, he defines fucked up. So why does he care when he fucks up with you?” I don’t say anything, because I have nothing. “I mean you don’t even fuck him for Christs sake, and that is pretty much Hugo’s sole requirement in a woman.”
“I don’t know. We’re just different. We’re friends, and he would probably fuck me given half a chance.”
She sighs. “You are so far into this denial that you can’t see what’s right in front of you.”
“Fine.” I huff. “Enlighten me.”
“You are in love with Hugo.”
I half choke, half laugh. “No, I’m not.” It’s an instant reaction to deny it, but even to my own ears my voice sounds shaky.
She lays back down on the blanket with a wry smile. “I know you better than I know myself, Mole. You don’t want to love him, but you do.” She states bluntly. “I bet you miss him right now?”
“He’s my friend.” I say defensively. “I miss Alex too, because I love Alex.”
She rolls her eyes. “Please. When you were fucking him all I ever heard was ‘it’s just fun’, and now it’s ‘we’re friends’. I’m not saying you should do anything about it, in fact definitely do not do anything about it. I just don’t think it’s healthy that you spend so much time with him when you’re actually with Alex. I know you love Alex, and you guys have a real future. It will never go anywhere with Hugo, and that incident the other night? Shit like that will keep happening because secretly you want him, you just can’t admit it to yourself.”
“I… it’s not like that. That was a drunken mistake.” I start to panic at the thought of having to cut Hugo out of my life. Things are complicated with us, and twisted sometimes, but he makes me happy.
“So you’re telling me that you and Hugo are completely platonic?” She says calmly.
“Yes.”
“Even though you used to fuck him, and let’s be honest Mole, you only stopped because you caught him with a hooker.”
“Yeah, but…”
“When you knew all along that he was a dog, and that it had no future.”
“It was just…”
“Fun, I know.” She cuts me off.
“He fucked you over once, and now he’s doing it again, just in a different way. You risk ruining everything with Alex for him. Is he worth it?”
I know the answer should be no, and the reason it isn’t no…is because I’m in love with him, and I would do anything to keep him in my life. Shit!
She sits up and threads her fingers through mine, her expression suddenly serious. “I say this because I care about you. You’re not like me Molly. You love hard, and without caution. I envy you for it, but I worry for you.” She looks at me, her eyes softening. “He hurt you once, and I don’t want to see it happen again.” She whispers. “Alex is good for you, and he loves you.”
I can’t respond. My mind is trying desperately to reject what my heart is telling me, because I don’t want to be in love with Hugo.
“I’m in love with Hugo.” I whisper numbly.
She cups my cheek, her warm palm stroking over my face. “We always love the bad boys babe, we can’t help it.”
I wish so much right now that I could help it.
The boys are back today, and my stomach is in knots. Funny how four days can suddenly change everything. When they left I thought I was waving off my boyfriend and my friend, but now…now I don’t know who is what to me. Poor Alex is stuck in the middle and I feel like the world’s shittiest person. Jesus, does this count as an emotional affair or something? Oh, wait, I let him go down on me, so nope, it’s just a full blown affair. Great.
I can only see one way out of this. One way in which no-one gets hurt…except me.
I text Hugo and ask to meet with him. I don’t know what I’m going to say to him, but this warped friendship we have needs to end. He’s like a shot of heroine to my mundane life, and I hang onto that excitement he provides like a fucking junkie. I will always be just that to him though, mundane, the good girl. This isn’t healthy for anyone. He has nothing to lose, but I have everything to lose, because against all the odds I do love Alex as well. I didn’t know it was possible to love two people at once, but I can tell you that to lose either of them would hurt me.
I have tried to cut Hugo out so many times, and every time he just fights his way back in. The only way to permanently damage this is for him to reject me, because I don’t have the will power to keep my distance from him.
My hand shakes as I reach for the call button. He doesn’t pick up, just releases the latch for the front door. I climb the single flight of
stairs, coaxing Gary up every step. The poor bugger is knackered by the time he reaches the top. I don’t even get a chance to knock before the door swings open and he scoops me up into a hug. My body almost sighs as it moulds against his, preening at his warm touch, and inhaling the familiar scent of him. Everything about him reminds me of happiness, of earth shattering orgasms and hours of laughter. Why do our minds do that? Why can’t I remember what it felt like to walk in on him with a hooker? Why can’t I just see that however I may feel about him, he probably fucked every hooker in Vegas over the last four days?
I steel myself and push away from him, keeping my eyes fixed on Gary. He releases me, and pulls me into the flat.
“Did you miss me?” I’m about to say something, when I realise he’s talking to Gary who is wiggling around and grunting at my feet. He pats the big dog on the back, and he shuffles off into the flat, his lead trailing behind him.
“Do you want a drink?” He asks.
“Um, water please.” I’m not thirsty, but I just need the few seconds that it will take him to get me some water to compose myself. In the last twenty four hours I have gone backwards and forwards over this situation, and I still don’t know what I’m going to say to him.
He moves into the living room and I follow him as he goes into the kitchen. I watch as he reaches up and grabs a glass, his t-shirt lifting with the movement and exposing a strip of his toned stomach and the small tattoo on his hip bone. I swallow hard as my pulse picks up. Fuck. I need to get it together and stop looking at him like a fuck doll.
I back out of the kitchen and end up hovering in the doorway. Gary has made it onto the sofa and has now passed out.
“Here you go.” I turn around at the sound of his voice.
“I need to talk to you.” I say quickly.
He raises an eyebrow. “Okay.”
He leans against the door frame, crossing his arms over his muscular chest, and straining the sleeves of his t-shirt. He looks good. Too good.
I don’t know what to say to him. I know what I feel is stupid, and I know that this will change nothing, but I need him to know. We’ve done this dance before, I push him away, or he pushes me away, but we always seem to get pulled back to each other. I can’t keep getting sucked back in. It’s not fair. I need to hear him reject me once and for all. I want my stupid heart to catch up with my head and realise that Hugo will never change. I will never be anything more than a bit of fun to him. I need him to walk away from me, because I can’t walk away from him, and my feelings for him are jeopardizing any future I might have with Alex.
Alex. He deserves so much better. He deserves the world. I’m a horrible person.
“I need to talk to you.” I manage to stammer.
He nods. “You said that already.”
“Uh, yeah. Sorry.” God, why is this so fucking hard? Just say it already! “Okay, I’m going to tell you something. It doesn’t mean anything okay? Don’t break out in hives, or catch AIDS because you decided to go and fuck three hundred hookers in an attempt to purge this from your mind.” I start.
“Okay, now I’m scared.” He smiles.
“Okay…” Shit. Breathe! “I love you.” Oh fuck, I think I’m going to be sick.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
HUGO
“I love you.” She blurts it so quickly, I’m not sure I heard her right, but the look on her face tells me that’s exactly what she just said. She’s gone sheet white, and she looks how I feel.
“You love me?” I say slowly, playing the words over. She nods, pressing her hand against her stomach, as though she’s trying to hold herself together. She can’t love me. That’s ridiculous. Why the fuck would she love me? I don’t even know what love is. I feel like I’m right back in my living room six months ago, when she told me she liked me. Every thought I had then, I’m having now. She’s too good for me. Why the fuck have I allowed her to think that it’s okay to like me, and now to love me?
“But…we’re friends.” I say numbly.
“I know, and I wish I didn’t feel this way, because it complicates that.”
“But, Alex?”
She nods, flicking her eyes downward. “I love him too, it’s just different.”
“Molly, I can’t…” I start.
“I know.” She offers me a small smile. “I know. It’s selfish of me to tell you this, because I know you don’t feel the same way, and you never will. You aren’t programmed that way, and I’m…well, I just am. That just makes us different.” Her voice is soft and soothing. Whenever I’m away from her for long periods of time, I forget how much I miss it. I’m not programmed that way, and I don’t love her, but I care for her, too much.
“I can’t offer you anything.” I say. She nods her head, keeping her eyes trained on the floor as she swallows heavily.
“And I’m not asking for anything, but this changes things. I can’t hang around with you all the time. I can’t…I can’t be your friend.” My throat tightens as I take in what she just said. Over the last couple of months, Molly has become one of my best friends. I don’t want her to walk away from me. “It’s not fair to Alex.”
Alex, just the sound of his name has me clenching my fists. She’s walking away from me for him.
I fight back the anger and take a deep breath. “Alex is good, and we both know I’m not good enough.” I nod.
She shakes her head, and gently cups my cheek. “You’re wrong.” She whispers, a sad smile on her beautiful face. She drops her hand and steps back, putting distance between us again.
I shake my head. “You just want to see good that isn’t there.”
I do what needs to be done, and I set her free. Free from me, and free from her misplaced feelings.
“You’re one of my best friend’s sweetness, but I’ll never love you like that.” I say casually. I watch the hurt ripple across her face and it fucking kills me to put it there, but this is the only way. I fucked a hooker in front of her and she still forgave me, because that’s what Molly does, she looks past that shit and accepts it. This is different though, I can feel it. Love is a whole new ball game. She just held out her heart to me and I spat on it. I hate the thought of losing her, but it’s selfish to try and keep her, when she feels the way she does. Alex can offer her everything I can’t. “I’m so sorry Molly.”
She sniffs a little. “No, it’s okay. It’s okay. I knew that. You haven’t told me anything new.” She draws in a deep breath. “I guess I’ll see you around.”
I should let her walk away now, but I don’t. I pull her to me and hold her in a tight hug. “I’m so fucking sorry.” I whisper to her. Her body shakes as a small sob breaks free. If I have a heart, then it’s fucking bleeding for her right now. I’ve hurt the only woman, possibly the only person I have ever truly cared about. The only saving grace is that I do this to protect her, because I know that in a few months from now she will be happy in ways that I could never make her.
She pushes me away gently. “Goodbye, Hugo.” She whispers, before she turns away and walks out.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
MOLLY
I stagger out of Hugo’s apartment, onto the street outside. My chest feels so tight, I can barely breathe. Pain ripples through my torso, and I choke on a sob, pressing my hand over my mouth to try and stop my imminent breakdown. Don’t fall apart now, Molly.
I’ve experienced heartbreak before, but this is something else, something far worse. I’ve lost so much more than my mind can possibly comprehend. Hugo has become one of my best friends, and I just lost him because I was too selfish to just let it go. I wanted something from him he was never able to give. I knew he could never give me anything more than friendship and yet I told him I loved him anyway. Why? Because the stupid little girl in me couldn’t help but believe that maybe, just maybe he would change for her. He won’t, and now I know that¸ but at what cost?
Could we have continued on as friends, me always pining for him, and him continuing to fuck his way through half
of London? I know we couldn’t, and I know I have more respect than to stand by and watch that, but right now, my heart hurts. Right now, I would endure and suffer just to keep him in my life.
This is what love does to people. This is what he does to me. He makes me want to suffer and bleed for him, because I love him. Fuck! How did I fuck this up so badly? Who the fuck falls in love with the biggest man whore on the face of the earth? Oh, that’s right, me.
I walk down the road, until I reach George’s red Jeep, which I parked here earlier. As soon as I close the door behind me, a tear streaks down my cheek. I swipe at it, and glance at my reflection in the rear view mirror. The dim interior light reflects off my watery eyes. I look as fragile as I feel, and I feel as if a giant gaping hole has been punched through my chest. I feel like something is missing and irreplaceable. I hurt for Hugo, because he will continue through life, and never know what it is to love someone. I hurt for myself, and my silly childish dreams. I also hurt for Alex, because he does love me, and yet here I am feeling utterly destroyed over another man.
If love were rational, then Hugo wouldn’t even be a factor. Alex would be more than enough. Unfortunately for me, love is far from rational. I have the splintered heart to prove it.
I look away, and turn the key in the ignition. The little car coughs to life, and I pull out into the steady traffic. The lights blur as my eyes water. I bite my lip and turn up the radio, blasting rock music into the car. I will not fucking fall apart. I’m better than this.
I manage to maintain that, until I step inside my flat and find Lilly waiting anxiously for me. She takes one look at my face and rushes toward me, wrapping me in her arms. I lose it and break down right there.
“Shh, it’s okay, Mole.” I literally cry on her shoulder. “It’s okay.” She repeats, holding me tight.
A couple of hours and three bottles of wine later, and it is okay. Sort of. At least I’m not crying any more.
