Ruined

by LP Lovell

“Let me just grab the food.” He says as he moves away.

  There’s a bottle of red on the table, and two wine glasses. I know Alex prefers white wine, but he always has red, because he knows I like it. I smile as I pour the liquid into the two glasses. I’m curious as to what he has to tell me. Whatever it is, he seems happy about it.

  “I’m not the best cook, but I can do lasagne.” He says as he re-appears from the kitchen, carrying two plates.

  I smile. “I love Lasagne.”

  We eat, we drink, we laugh and we talk. This is normal. This is what I want, stability and safety.

  “You seem more like yourself tonight.” He comments.

  I try not to let my expression give away my thoughts. I feel my stomach churn as I think of what he witnessed a few days ago. He should never have had to watch me cry over Hugo. Even if he didn’t know that’s what he was doing. I feel dirty and sordid in ways that I never ever thought I would. I’m not one of those girls. Hell, I hate those girls. I would be the first to chastise my own behaviour. The thing is though, things aren’t always black and white. I really wish they were. Life would be so much easier.

  “I’m feeling much better. Thank you.”

  I watch as he draws in a deep breath. “Molly.” There’s a pause, and I can tell he wants to say something, but he’s struggling with the words.

  “Yes?” I prompt.

  His eyes lock with mine. “Do you trust me?”

  I frown. What kind of question is that? “Of course.”

  He pinches the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger. “Not enough to tell me what’s going on with you though…”

  I can feel my shoulders start to tense. “I…” What can I even say to that. “I’m a private person Alex. I tend to deal with things on my own. That’s how I am.”

  He nods. “You tell Hugo things though…” I don’t miss the flash of pain that crosses his features, and it mimics the pain that grips my chest at the mention of his name.

  “That’s different.” I whisper.

  “Why is it different Molly?” He persists.

  “It just is!” I snap. His eyes widen, and the there’s a deafening silence between us. Shit! I drag my fingers through my hair and take a couple of deep breaths. “I’m sorry.” I say quietly. “I just…Hugo is pushy. He was there when I found out that my dad was coming to town, and he badgered me until I told him what was wrong. He’s annoying as hell when he’s like that, so I told him. He then insisted on coming with me.” I explain.

  “I would have gone with you.” He says sincerely.

  I smile sadly. “I know you would, but I don’t want you to see that. My father…he’s an arsehole. The only reason I have anything to do with him is because he pays for my flat.” That sounds bad, but I don’t want to get into the whole thing with my mum and everything.

  “You let him see it though.”

  God, why can’t he just drop it? “Because I don’t care what he thinks. I care what you think.”

  “I wouldn’t…”

  I hold up my hand cutting him off. “Trust me, my father is not someone you want to meet. My taking Hugo was a ‘face fire with fire’ kind of thing. He speaks arsehole.”

  “Okay.”

  I glance up at him. “Please don’t take it personally. This is just one aspect of my life that I’m not all that keen on sharing.”

  He reaches across the table and takes my hand, rubbing his thumb across the base of my wrist. “Okay. I just needed to know. I hate the idea that maybe he can give you something I can’t.” I bite the inside of my lip to keep the tears that I can feel prickling my eyes, at bay. I swallow the lump in my throat. It hurts, because what he just said is truer than he can possibly imagine, or than I would ever care to admit.

  I look him in the eye. “You are everything I need.” I say with complete resolve, because it’s true. I don’t need Hugo, but I crave him, I want him, shamefully so.

  A small smile pulls at his lips, as his eyes lock firmly with mine. “That’s good, because I love you, Molly.”

  He loves me. Alex loves me. I’m aware of how twisted this situation is.

  “I love you too.” I whisper. Oh my god, I’m such a slut. I’m a slut with my love. I have a slutty heart. Surely it’s not possible to love more than one person. I’ve always believed in ‘the one’, you know, that one person who makes you completely blind to all others. That person who, when you see them, you just know.

  It’s called ‘the one’, not ‘the two’. There is nothing romantic or beautiful about my torn and battered heart right now. One person should be enough.

  I want Alex to be my ‘one’ though. I really do. I could spend the rest of my life with Alex and never be unhappy. I could marry him and have kids with him, and know that he would always be there for me. He would never falter. He would always be safe and supportive. When you think about it, what more could you possibly ask for in life?

  He stands and moves around the small table, dropping to a crouch in front of me with a beaming smile on his face. “I know this is happening quite fast, but I don’t see the point in waiting…” Oh god, he’s not…I look down. No, he’s on two knees, not one. Shit. I tell my frozen lungs to breathe again. “Will you move in with me, Molly?”

  My jaw drops. I was not expecting that. He can’t be serious surely? “What?” I squeak.

  “I know we haven’t been together very long, but I don’t care.” He shrugs. He’s so sure of me, so sure of us. If only he knew.

  “Alex, I think it’s too soon.”

  He smiles. “Life is short. Sometimes you just know when something is right. I know this is right.” What the hell am I supposed to say to that?

  I reach out and run my fingers over his jaw line. “Look, let me think about it, okay?” I can see the disappointment in his eyes, but I can’t give in on this one. Too much has happened in the last week. My emotions are all over the place. Now is not the time to make such a monumental decision. “I just need time. I’m not good with spontaneity.”

  He huffs a small laugh. “Okay, I’ll give you time.”

  I lean forward, pressing my lips to his. “Thank you.” I breathe against his skin.

  He cups my face, holding me, and kissing me back. “I just want to come home to you every night, and wake up next to you every morning.” His tongue brushes my bottom lip. “You make me happy Molly.” He says against my mouth. Could he be any more romantic if he tried?

  I bury my fingers in his hair. “You know what would make me happy?” I whisper against his lips, before nipping at his bottom lip.

  “Hmmm?” He purrs.

  “You.” I gasp. “Naked. Now.”

  One hand moves to the zip at the back of my dress and slowly lowers it as his lips skim up my neck.

  “I can do that.” He says, as he pulls his shirt over his head. I want Alex to fuck me until I can’t even remember who Hugo is any more.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  HUGO

  I wake up, and I have no idea where I am for a few moments. I look at the empty space in the bed next to me. No random body occupying it. Strange.

  As my hazy vision comes into focus I start to recognise the room vaguely. Dark grey walls, girly chandeliers and curtains. It’s one of Theo’s spare rooms.

  I sit up and groan. Fuck! My brain feels like it’s going to fall out. My mouth tastes like a rodent crawled in, took a shit, and then curled up and died in it. My eyes feel like someone rubbed sand into my eyeballs. That was a heavy night.

  Theo and I went to Allure, and then decided to hit the strip club. I told him to go. That poor bastard is so pussy whipped it makes me sick. Who the fuck goes to a strip club and doesn’t even look at the strippers? That’s not sweet, or loyal, it’s just fucking tragic. If I ever get like that, I want someone to just put me the fuck down.

  He didn’t though, and apparently I got so trashed he thought I needed to sleep here.

  I stagger out of the bed and into the bathroom, taking a
piss in the shower, because my morning glory and lack of vision means I’m unlikely to have great aim this morning.

  My clothes smell of booze and cigarette smoke, but I throw them on. I think the fact that I managed to get myself undressed when I was that drunk is a fucking achievement. I usually have help with that shit.

  The house is quiet, but then, it’s no longer London’s number one party spot I guess. I go to the kitchen and search the cupboards until I find a bottle of vodka and a short glass. I pour out a good couple of fingers worth. This is going to be fucking horrible, but it’s for the greater good. I haven’t had a proper hangover since I was fifteen, but then arguably I probably haven’t been truly sober since then either. I neck the shot and shudder as bile rises up my throat. Oh god that’s nasty. I’m sitting on a bar stool holding my head in my hands when Lilly walks in.

  “Wow, you look rough as shit this morning.” She says, as she starts fiddling with the coffee machine.

  “Thanks. That’s the look I was going for.” Five more minutes and the vodka will kick in. I just have to survive until then.

  “Uh-huh.” She nods toward the bottle of vodka in front of me. “Hair of the dog?”

  “I don’t cope well with hangovers.”

  “No shit.” She cocks an eyebrow at me. “Ever considered drinking less, you know, going to the root of the problem?”

  I snort. “Be fucking serious.” She makes her coffee and takes a seat at the bar across from me, leaning her elbows on the counter top. She blows on the steaming mug and says nothing. The silence is bordering on uncomfortable.

  “So…nice weather today.” I say

  Her eyebrows shoot up. “Really, Hugo?”

  “I don’t like awkward silences.” I defend myself. “It was getting weird.”

  She rolls her eyes. “So talk.”

  “I just did.”

  “About something that actually matters, not stupid bullshit. And when I say something that actually matters, what I mean is, the big pink fucking elephant in the room, and no doubt the reason that you are sat in my house at nine o’ clock on a Saturday morning smelling like a brewery.” Jesus Christ, she pulls no fucking punches.

  “I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I sniff. The vodka is kicking in now, and my head feels clearer.

  She narrows her eyes at me. “You know exactly what I’m talking about. You’re fucking spineless Hugo.” She’s angry, like properly angry.

  I frown. “What the hell got up your arse?”

  She puts her coffee down and glances across the room, saying nothing for a few minutes.

  “I told Theo I wouldn’t get involved, but I swear to god, you are the stupidest fucking person I’ve ever met.” She mumbles. “Molly.” Just the sound of her name makes me want to down that fucking bottle right now. “You’re spineless when it comes to Molly.”

  I set my face into a casual mask and shrug. “Molly knows the situation. She’s always known the situation.”

  Her eyes flick up, locking with mine and making me want to shrink back. I don’t know how Theo has any balls left. Bitch is scary.

  “Wake up Hugo. How long are you going to keep drinking and fucking your way through life?”

  “I didn’t ask for your judgement if I recall.” I say icily.

  She slaps her hands against the work top. “You know what? I have no problem with you as a person, but I will always always hate you for my best friend.” Well, at least she’s honest. “Because she is kind, and good. She puts everyone else before herself.” She tilts her head to the side. “And you are fundamentally selfish. You can’t help it.” She grits her teeth. “You do nothing but hurt her, and you don’t deserve her.”

  I rub my hand over my face. “Don’t you think I know this? You don’t have to preach to me about how good Molly is. I know.”

  She watches me carefully. “You care about her, I know that much.”

  I close my eyes, picturing Molly’s face. “Of course I care about her. She’s one of my best friends.” Was. She was one of my best friends. Maybe the best. “And she’s too good for me, like you said.”

  She nods. “She is too good for you.” She takes a deep breath, and traces her index finger around the top of her coffee cup. “And I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you don’t get to make that decision for her.”

  My eyes widen as I look up at her. “What?”

  She rolls her eyes. “You’ve never hidden what you are from her Hugo. She knows how bad you can be. She sees every fucked up inch of you, and yet she loves you. Fuck knows why.” She adds. “You don’t get to tell her she’s too good. She is the one who gets to decide if you’re not good enough, and not once has she ever thought that you aren’t good enough.” I clench my fists and drop my head forward. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Why is she saying this shit to me?

  “She…she doesn’t know me. She thinks she sees something good, but trust me, all I’m good for is fucking. Her wanting me is just some romantic bullshit.”

  A small smile pulls at her lips as she shakes her head. “She loves you, and Molly’s love is something precious. Trust me.”

  “Alex is the guy for her, I’m not. Besides, I thought you were all ‘team Alex’.” I huff as jealousy tries to get a hold on me. In my mind I’ve let Molly go, but damn, the thought of that bloody doctor touching her has me pissed off. I clench my fists as my temper threatens. Fucking hell. When did I become this unstable?

  Lilly smiles wide. “Jealous?” I quirk an eyebrow at her and press my lips together. “I’m telling you this, because I want my best friend to be happy. Her version of happy, not what you or I think will make her happy.” She explains. “Yes, she’s with Alex, but would she be if you had manned the fuck up months ago and grown a set?”

  “I don’t want to talk about this.” I say, trying to close down the conversation. I can’t deal with this shit. It fucks with my head.

  She stands up and puts her empty coffee mug in the sink. “Oh, and by the way, he asked her to move in with him, and she said yes. I thought you might like to know. She moves on Monday.” With that she walks out of the room.

  That sly bitch. I drag my hands through my hair and reach for the bottle of vodka, pouring out another couple of fingers worth and necking it. Images of Molly flick through my mind, and an ache forms in my chest. I rub at it, trying to ease it. I don’t need her, and I certainly don’t love her. I don’t even know what love feels like.

  I miss her though. I miss the sound of her voice, and the way she smiles when I do something fucking stupid. I miss the way her perfume smells on my sheets, and the way she always holds my arm in a fucking death grip whenever I spoon her, as if I might try and escape. I miss her warmth. She carries it around with her like some unseen force, drawing everyone to her. I just miss her, everything about her. My life is brighter when she’s around, and now everything just feels so dark and pointless. Why am I so obsessed with her?

  I was never this into her when I was fucking her. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an epic lay, but that’s all she was, a lay. Now, here I am, missing a girl who I haven’t even fucked for the past six months. Well, shit.

  And now she’s moving in with Alex, the guy who is everything I’m not. He’s who she should be with, he’s good for her. So why do I feel so fucking gutted about it?

  After my conversation with Lilly this morning, I ended up finishing that bottle of vodka. Theo said that he and Lilly are going out to Poison tonight. Apparently they’re taking Molly and Alex out to celebrate them moving in together. I was invited, but something tells me it was a cursory invite. Fuck that.

  I walk into Poison and scan the crowd. My vision is blurred from all the vodka. Fuck, I’m surprised I can still walk. I’ve drunk enough to put an elephant down. I spot Theo standing at the bar talking to Alex. Brilliant. I stagger over there and clap my hand on Theo’s shoulder.

  “Hey dude.”

  “Theo, Alex.” I half wave, but my arms aren’t responding very well.

&
nbsp; “Hey.” Alex says politely. Always so fucking polite. Jesus, I want to punch him, just to see whether he’ll apologise for hurting my fist.

  “I didn’t think you were coming.” Theo says with a fake arse smile on his lips. I narrow my eyes at him. Fucking traitor, hanging out with Molly and the good guy she’s fucking now.

  “Changed my mind.” I call over a barman and order two shots of tequila. Best wrap up the night in style by vomiting and passing out.

  Theo wraps his hand around my neck and leans into me. “Are you sure you want to do this?” He asks quietly.

  I laugh. “I came to wish the happy couple luck.”

  “Hugo.” He growls. “You didn’t want her.”

  “Don’t fucking tell me what I do or don’t want. You have no fucking idea.” I say, taking the shots the barman puts on the bar and handing him a twenty pound note.

  Theo’s fingers tighten on my neck. “Don’t fuck this up for her, okay? You’ve already hurt her man, let it be.” He releases me and moves away, with Alex following him.

  Fuck. He’s right. What am I doing here? I order another drink, and down it. I’m about to leave, when a manicured hand lands on my fore arm.

  “Hugo!” A high pitched voice shrieks. I turn and look at the woman hanging off me. Nope. I have no idea who she is. She’s pretty enough though. I know by now that a pretty girl who knows my name is a former fuck.

  “Hey…”

  “Sammi.” She smiles, clearly un-phased by the fact that I have no fucking clue who she is. I used to find women like her appealing, but now…nothing. I don’t even want to fuck her. God, what is this shit? It’s like I suddenly have a conscience or something. Molly has fucked my head up, and I don’t like it. I just want to go back to drinking and fucking my way through as much pussy as is physically possible. Jesus, I can’t even get off any more unless I pretend it’s her, and I have done the five knuckle shuffle more times in the past week than I have in the last year, all to the memory of fucking her. This shit is fucked up. So fucked up.

  Without saying another word, I turn and make my way through the crowd, toward the door. I’m almost across the dance floor, when a group of girls part, and there in front of me is Molly. She’s dancing with Lilly, but she freezes when she sees me.