"He’s not? Wait, what? Okay, crazy. You totally lost me." She crossed her arms over her chest.
I shook my head.
"I’ll be down in ten minutes." I said, quickly rushing to the bathroom to brush my teeth and pee. Throwing on some clean jeans and a t-shirt, I was ready as I would ever be.
It felt like I was taking the walk of shame as I approached Dom. He sat waiting on the couch. The whole scene was a joke, really. Mina was glaring, Judith looked uncomfortable, and, all the while, Kenneth was talking his ear off about hockey. When Dom saw me he moved quickly to me, wrapping his arms around me.
"I have been trying to find you for days." He sighed in relief, pulling me into a large hug. He pulled back, looking straight into my eyes. "I have never been so stupid in all my life. Chloe, please forgive me? Please believe that nothing…nothing will ever happen."
From the corner of my eye I saw a scowl forming on Kenneth’s face. I grabbed Dom’s hand and pulled him into the kitchen so we were alone.
"Please, my beautiful, I swear—"
“Keep your voice down." I begged.
He looked shocked and confused. "They don’t know?"
"Well, Mina does." I shrugged. "I didn’t want to talk about my problems with Roni going through such a terrible time.
He sighed. "How is she?"
"Better. She finally started eating and Max plans to take her home tomorrow." I stayed silent for a moment. "I think we should take this discussion elsewhere."
"Okay, where would you like to go? Home?" Desperation evident in his question.
"There is a coffee shop we can go to." I needed coffee something fierce.
Once we got to the coffee shop and both had our drinks in front of us, we sat in silence. Until Dom spoke first.
"Chloe, I will never be able to express how sorry I am to have done this to us. To disappoint you."
I could feel the tears stinging my eyes already.
"Don’t cry, Il mio amore. I promise I can be better for you. I want to be better for you."
"Stop!" I shouted, drawing the attention from everyone around us. My tears now flowing freely, Dom quickly knelt on the tile floor before me. He wrapped his arms around my waist, laying his head in my lap.
"Please forgive me." He begged.
"I can’t." I croaked.
"Oh God, please." He begged, again.
I tried to remove his hands. I was disgusted with myself, not just him.
He clung to me for dear life, not letting go. So, I just spit it out in a hushed, but forceful tone. "I spent the night with someone."
Dom drew back slowly, examining my face. I could see the fury and rage rise in his cheeks.
"When?" He growled.
"After I returned from Italy and–"
Tears pouring from his eyes, he buried himself back into my lap.
"Oh God, I pushed you to it." His cry muffled by my thigh.
"No, no, no."
I would not let him take the blame for my indiscretion.
"I was the one that did it, not you. Just because you did it, doesn’t mean I should have in return. I drank way too much and then we were just talking with each other and—"
He placed his hand over my mouth.
"I don’t want to know." He removed his hand, stood, and left me sitting in the coffee shop alone.
Feeling all the eyes from the coffee shop patrons on me, I kept my head down looking at the table and drinking my coffee. Once finished, I picked up my purse and headed out the door.
Pulling my cell phone from my purse as I walked, I called Mina to come pick me up.
"That asshole left you? Why the fucking–"
"Calm down. Can you come get me? I’m walking in the direction of home now."
"What? Don’t walk. I’ll be there in five."
"Mina, I need the walk to clear my head, take your time." With a large sigh, I hung up.
"Chloe?"
I turned at the sound of his voice. Dom closed the distance between us.
My eyes went wide with shock as he wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly.
"I don’t care." He whispered.
I pushed him away.
"You have to care! I care! It’s wrong…it’s all wrong. Don’t you get that? We broke our vows."
I started crying, shaking my head and backing away from him.
He grabbed me.
"No, Chloe, we both made a mistake and we both need to work on our marriage." There was no real emotion on his face, but his voice sounded sincere.
"I can’t live with myself, so neither should you." I tried to turn away but he stopped me. "I have to wait for Mina to come–"
"Call her and tell her I will be bringing you home."
I shook my head, arguing as he pulled me to his car. I tried to call Mina, but got no answer. I left a message and sent her a quick text telling her that Dom was bringing me home. I heard my phone buzz after I threw in my purse, so I figured she was confirming she'd gotten my text.
The ride home was short, but it was enough for Dom to state that he would wait for me to decide what I wanted to do. He felt we only needed to work harder on our marriage and on forgiving each other’s mistakes. I swallowed down the loathing feeling I felt toward both of us, as he leaned in and tried to kiss me before I got out of the car. Turning my head, he got my cheek. I left the car and entered the house where Mina was sitting in the living room waiting for me.
"I’m so sorry I didn’t leave immediately. I was telling Leo goodbye before he left." She hugged me.
My eyes widened in shock and disappointment.
"Um…he…Leo was here?" I choked back tears. Did he remember last night? Did he just want to forget it?
Mina eyed me for a moment before answering.
"Yes, he was visiting the parents. He apparently decided he needed to get back to his life and said something about leaving mistakes behind before they repeat again." She shrugged, watching me closely.
I started to cry. Dom didn’t hate me, but I hated myself. Without one word or attempt to see me, Leo just up and left. While I'd tried to convince myself that the last thing I wanted was to see him, the devastation I was feeling proved me a liar. I was a mess. One big, jacked up, slutty, vow breaking mess. Mina pulled me to the couch and held me until I calmed enough to tell her the whole story.
"Holy shit." She blurted.
"Shhh! Don’t bring Kenneth or Judith in here." I scowled. "So, how big of a slut do you think I am?" I hid my face in my hands.
"Jesus Christ, Chloe. It was just a drunk mistake. You both have such unresolved feelings for each other. Mixing alcohol in with it was a recipe for disaster." As she spoke she rubbed my back.
"It’s my fault. I should have left that tree house the moment he entered. I'm an idiot." I started to cry again.
"Well, do you want to work things out with Dom or not?" She lifted my head up to look directly at her.
"W-what?" I stammered.
"It’s as simple as that, Chloe. What do you want?" She asked again.
"I don’t want to break my vows. I said for better or for worse, Mina." I spoke truthfully. "But it’s clearly too late now."
"Well, then I think you need to go to Dom and discuss this more, maybe even go to marriage counseling. I think there are a few more things you need to resolve and figure out." She gave a reassuring smile.
"But my feelings for–"
"Yes, but you said yourself that you want to stand by your vows, right?" She raised an eyebrow.
I nodded.
She sighed. I tried to read her face, but couldn’t. Though I would swear she was hiding disappointment.
The next day, after Max and Roni went home I called Dom to tell him I would be home that night. We needed a serious talk.
I arrived home to hundreds of roses in the entry way of the house, soft music and the smell of a divine dinner. Walking into the dining room, I found Dom in a full black suit smiling at me. He offered me a seat and then we sat at t
he table. I could hardly eat, still too disgusted with myself.
"Dom, you shouldn’t have done all of this."
"Chloe, my love, you deserve much more–"
"I don’t deserve anything but anger, Dom. How can you sit there when you know I’ve been with another man? I can’t even look at myself. And knowing about the other woman you were with makes me sick." Tears began stinging my eyes and tried to keep them from flowing over the brim.
"I feel like I pushed you into the arms of someone else because of what I did. I am mostly to blame. You were hurt and angry. And you found a way to—"
"Stop it, it was my fault. Be mad at me, damn it!" Pushing the chair back, the floor protesting with a loud screech, I stood.
"What do you want me to say, Chloe? That I think you’re a tramp?"
I nodded.
"Well, I can’t! I don’t think you are. We both made a mistake. Do I like what you’ve done? Fuck no. But, instead of being a hypocrite, I can only try to make things better!"
Some relief rose in me. He actually showed some type of emotion with his outburst.
We talked, argued, and even yelled until the early morning hours. In the end, we agreed to start slowly with each other and to go to counseling. I wanted to be completely honest about the night with Leo, but Dom was adamant about not knowing who it was. He said knowing would only cause him to dwell on it and possibly even seek the person out, which would be bad for all of us in the end.
I tried to contact Leo, but he never answered my call or the voicemails I left. Since I was so easily discarded by him, again, I tried not to think about that night or think about Leo at all. I resolved to focus all of my attention on my marriage instead.
Counseling was helping us through the trust issues we now harbored, along with resolving some of our other issues. One month into counseling, we finally started to share a bed again. That first night became an all-night session of love making. Two months in and we really were almost the perfect couple. Yes, we argued, but we had learned how to disagree with each other in a more effective way.
I hadn’t thought about that night with Leo. That is, until a little white stick gave me a positive result.
Chapter Twenty-Four
A Year in the Life and Death
Chloe
The amazing results from a plastic, white stick that you piss on, sentenced me to waiting for an eternity in the lobby of my gynecologist. Oh, the mess I have gotten myself into. If I thought that I couldn’t forgive myself before, now I was sure that I was, not only, sentenced to hell in the afterlife but that I would also have to live out the hell I was creating in my mortal life. The night in the tree house consistently flooded my mind every day since that little pink line appeared before my eyes.
"Mrs. Fiorello," the short, plump nurse called from a door at the side of the room. I grabbed my bag and followed her. "We just need to do a couple of basic things; medical history, family history, symptoms, and vitals." She smiled at me brightly as I groaned internally.
I felt my phone vibrate as she was taking my pulse and blood pressure. When she stepped away to write down the readings, I flipped my phone open to see it was a text from Mina. She wants to meet for lunch. Today of all days! Ugh. There was no way that she wouldn’t see right through me and know that something was up. I sent her a quick text, telling her that I was in an appointment and wasn’t sure when I would be free, hoping that this would push off the lunch until another day.
The nurse escorted me back to the little beige room where I sat waiting, alone, in nothing but a thin white and green print hospital gown. I began to wonder how many other women sat in this same position, feeling the same dread I was feeling. In the midst of my thoughts, Dr. Gray entered with a small knock and a large smile.
"Congratulations, your urine test was positive. We are going to do a blood test, just to be sure, and other routine blood work, as well," she said matter-of-factly. I groaned and her expression changed. "Not an expected pregnancy, I take it?" She raised an eyebrow.
"You could say that." I laid back on the table and put my feet into the dreaded stirrups. Thoughts of what this pregnancy was going to mean suddenly rushed over me.
After what felt like forever, the doctor finally moved away from the end of the table, coming around to my left with a small black box in her hand. She moved the material of the gown away from my stomach and placed a small wand to my stomach. ‘Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh’ suddenly filled the room.
"Is that..?"
"That’s the heartbeat." She smiled and I actually smiled with her. "It sounds perfect." She removed the wand and, with it, the sound of my baby’s heartbeat.
"Since you are not completely sure about how far along you are, we are going to send you over to the ultrasound technician. She’ll check everything out and give us a better idea of what’s been going on in there." The doctor excused herself and the nurse came back to escort me to the technician.
Sitting in the waiting area of the lab, I looked down at the photo in my hand. It was a fuzzy white blob that resembled a gerbil, but I knew that it was my baby over two months along. Leo’s baby. I instantly felt nauseous and ran for the closest bathroom with my hand over my mouth.
As my breakfast made a second appearance, my phone buzzed once again. I splashed my face with cold water and rinsed out my mouth. I looked at my face in the mirror, feeling utterly disgusted with myself. I grabbed my phone out of my purse on the way to the waiting area. Mina, again.
Let’s do a late lunch then. When can you meet me? M.
I took a deep breath and then exhaled.
I’m sorry, 2day not a good day. C.
A minute later my ringtone went off. I put my head in my hands and then took my phone out of my purse. Again.
"Hello," I answered with my eyes closed.
"What’s wrong?" Mina’s worried voice in full effect.
"Nothing is…wrong. I’m still at my appointment–"
"Mrs. Fiorello, we are ready for you," the technician announced.
"Where are you at?" Mina interrogated.
"I’m at the doctor’s and I have to go. I’ll call you later, okay?” I hung up before she could respond. I took my millionth deep breath and followed the nurse into the lab.
Leaving the medical building, I knew that I would have to tell Dom. I wasn’t sure if we could ‘work’ through this anymore. It was going to crush him. I was going to crush him. I cried the whole way home.
Dom arrived home around seven that night. I was sitting at the dining room table with my head in my hands.
"Chloe?" His voice pulled me from my thoughts and I sat up straight, my eyes still on the table. I knew that I could probably just tell Dom that he was the father and lie to everyone. However, if our marriage counselor had taught me anything, it was that a lie would eventually do more damage than just being honest.
"Please, sit down," I whispered, swallowing the sob that was threatening my throat.
"Chloe, what it is? What’s wrong? What…" He knelt beside me and took my hand.
I pulled my hand away. "I’m pregnant," I choked out, tears rushing down my cheeks.
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw excitement start to flash across his face. Before I could let that excitement set in too deep, I blurted it out.
"I’m over two months pregnant," I sobbed and put my head in my hands.
I felt him tense and stand up next to me. He knew exactly what I was telling him. I heard him leave the room and dropped my head into my arms on the table, bawling my eyes out.
That night, I went directly to one of the guest bedrooms and climbed into the bed, sure that I was the last thing he wanted to see in his bed. I didn’t hear or see Dom for two days. I wasn’t even sure if he had even been home at all.
Sitting Indian style on the guest bed with my back to the door, I was working on some assignments for my courses. I hadn’t heard him come in the room, the thick carpet hiding his footsteps. I jumped when I felt the bed shift next to me. I sa
t looking at him as he stared directly into my eyes. I didn’t know what to say.
"So…" he breathed out and I started to word vomit before he could finish.
"Dom, I am so sorry. I never meant for any of this…oh God. I’m so, so, so sorry. I thought about terminating the pregnancy, but I just…I just can’t do it. I understand if you want me to leave…I mean, I completely–"
"Chloe, stop!" He didn’t yell but his tone was stern. I quickly shut my mouth and sat there biting my lip. "I do not want to hear you mention killing the baby again, not that it even crossed your mind. I will not tolerate that at all. I don’t know what I want to do at this point. I just need time to process it all." He put his hand on his face and rubbed it.
"I’m so sorry. I – I – I think we should discuss who…" Before I could finish, he grabbed me by my shoulders.
"DO NOT SAY HIS NAME," I saw the tears in his eyes and, as he let go of me, I felt his body relax. "If I know who it is…I will kill him, Chloe. Just, don’t." He stood and walked out of the door. I collapsed onto my bed and cried for the billionth time since I had found out.
A couple of months had passed and Dom and I had been working through everything with our therapist. We still slept in separate rooms and basically lived semi-separate lives. I knew that it wouldn’t be long before it was obvious that I was pregnant. The small bulge would soon pop into a bump.
First, I confided in Roni about being pregnant. I felt guilty for talking about it with her since she and Max had been trying to get pregnant again without any luck. They both had been to visit a fertility specialist and found that, even if Roni were to get pregnant again, she would most likely continue to miscarry. They were now considering adoption, which was suggested by Elaine. However, Max wanted to get married first, so Roni was in the middle of planning the wedding with Mina’s help, of course.
Roni was thrilled for me, at first. I figured she wouldn’t be so thrilled if she knew every detail of my horror story. Only Mina was fully aware of all the details, all except the one detail growing larger every day. I feared Mina’s reaction, rejection and anger. Would this be enough for her to end our friendship?
All Grown Up Page 22
