by Peak, Renna
“We should probably eat.”
I looked up at Krystal, who had closed the magazine, but kept it on her lap. Her eyes were the same blue as Brandon’s. It was the only thing I could remember about him, how blue his eyes were. When I closed my eyes now, all I could see was blood. She was really beautiful. I hadn’t really noticed it before, but she was. She was as intimidating a woman as I had ever seen, but there was something soft about her, too. Maybe it was understanding why she cared about me that made me see it. Maybe it was knowing she had cared for me when I was born, when my father had dumped me on her doorstep for six weeks when she was just out of college, dumped me on her before perpetrating his fraud. Maybe it was knowing she cared enough about me and my family to have never told a soul about it, about me not really being my mother’s child. Maybe it was knowing how hard it was for her to leave Brandon when their mother died, or how she had longed to care for him but she had been only a teenager herself when it happened.
“Jenna, I said we should go eat. It could be hours.”
I looked up at her again. My voice croaked, my mouth still dry from the drugs that had been in my system and the anxiety I was feeling. “I’m really not hungry.”
She cocked her head. “You always say that. You have to eat.”
I shook my head. I shifted in my chair, uncomfortable from the bruising my body had taken from falling on my ass so many times that day, but there was something else, too. I looked down at the light blue scrubs they had given me in the emergency room, after they had washed all the blood off of me to be sure I wasn’t bleeding, too. They were rough against my skin, too starchy. It reminded me of what I needed to say, the other reason I was so lost in thought. “I need some help, Krystal.”
Her brows furrowed and she tilted her head down to meet my gaze. “Are you thinking about hurting yourself, Jenna?”
I leaned back in the chair, shifting again to get off the bruise that I felt sure was on my ass from one of the falls that morning. I rolled my eyes up to the ceiling. “No, nothing like that.”
“I don’t know anything about what’s going on. Only what you told me…”
I could hear my heart thudding in my ears. “I need a pill. The morning after thing. Can you get it for me?” I gulped down the dry lump at the back of my throat.
She glanced over at the door. “You and Brandon…”
I shook my head and clasped my clammy hands together. “My purse is gone. I didn’t get to take my pill before bed last night, Krystal.”
A small smile came to her face. “You’ll be fine. He’s been gone for days, right? You were taking them the last time you…”
I cut her off. “I woke up this morning with no underwear. I wasn’t with Brandon. And I would die if…”
Her jaw dropped open. “We should go back to the emergency room. They can get the information, the samples. Take your statement. Jenna, you need…”
“No.” I shook my head again, pulling on my fingers. “I don’t remember anything. I’m not even sure… I just know I had panties on when I left my house yesterday, and I didn’t have any on when I woke up this morning. I don’t usually lose my underwear, you know?” I stole a glance up at her, licking my lips. “I just don’t want to worry about that, too. I want to worry about Brandon, and I want him to live. I don’t want to have to worry that Daniel raped me and that I’m pregnant. Okay?”
“I’ll get you the pill.”
A nurse walked into the room and stopped between the two of us. “Do either of you have A-negative blood?”
Krystal shook her head. “I’m AB-positive. Why?”
The nurse turned to me. “You?”
“I’m…” I looked down at the floor. “I’m A-negative.”
She gave me a curt nod. “Come with me, please.” She looked back at Krystal. “You’re family?”
Krystal nodded. “Sister.”
The woman nodded and turned to me. “And you?”
My mouth dropped open and I didn’t know what to say. What was I? I wasn’t his fiancée or his girlfriend. Just someone who cared. Someone who had no right to care.
Krystal answered. “Close friend of the family.”
The nurse gave another curt nod. “Probably not a close enough match, even with the same blood type. We do need more blood, though. Are you willing to donate?”
I nodded. “Yes. Yes, of course.” I stood up from the chair. “Close enough match for what?”
“A kidney.” She turned to Krystal. “Your brother will likely lose his other kidney. I’ll let the doctor explain when the surgery is over. It may be another three or four hours, though. There was a lot of damage done to his internal organs, a lot of bleeding. We’ve run out of A-negative blood and we have a long standing O-negative shortage.” She turned to me again and nodded. “So if you’ll come with me, you can donate some blood for your friend. We can take a pint or so now, assuming you’re up to it.”
My head bobbed in response. “Whatever he needs.” I turned to follow the nurse from the room.
“Jenna.” Krystal stopped me, taking hold of my arm. “Eat something. And I’ll get you that pill.”
I nodded and turned back to the door, my eyes filling again with tears.
12
“Two of the six genetic markers match. A living donor kidney with even one match is almost always a better kidney than a deceased donor kidney with multiple matches. And the waiting list for a donor kidney is quite long.” The doctor cocked his head. “Of course, we’ll need to do a scan and the surgery for you isn’t without risks.”
I nodded. “Whatever you need me to do. I don’t care about the risks.”
Krystal came to stand in the doorway. “I don’t consent.” She was holding another one of those celebrity magazines against her chest.
The doctor and I both looked up at her. He spoke first. “Ma’am, I know you’re the only family member, but a living donor kidney is his best shot. He could be on dialysis for years without it while he waits for a donor kidney. He’s young, he has his whole life ahead of him. A living donor really is the best option at this point.”
“Or he could heal and be fine. You said so yourself.” She glanced over at me before looking back at him. “I don’t consent.”
He set his jaw and looked back at me. “Once he wakes up and can make his own decisions, we’ll only need his and your consent. We can put it off for a few days.”
“That sounds like a good plan. There are extenuating circumstances that Jenna isn’t aware of.” Krystal dismissed him with the sound of her voice.
The doctor jumped up. “Okay, then. We’ll wait a few days and hope for the best. The dialysis seems to be working for the moment.” He looked back at me. “I hope you both realize how extremely lucky Brandon is to be alive. It seems he was lucky to make it through his first surgery, but this time… Let’s just say people don’t usually survive with that great of a blood loss. It’s really nothing short of a miracle.” He gave me a sad, small smile. “He really does deserve to have a kidney after surviving this ordeal. I don’t say that about every patient.”
“Enough.” Krystal held up a hand and gave him a curt nod. She walked over to me after we watched the doctor walk out of the room.
I had been sitting at his bedside since he’d come out of surgery, even though the “rules” said I couldn’t be in the intensive care unit. I dared any nurse who came anywhere near me to do something about it.
“Jenna, you need to see something.” She knelt down next to me, lowering her voice. “Did you take that pill?”
I nodded and forced back the tears that sprang to my eyes when she mentioned it. Thinking about what Daniel may or may not have done to me was still not something I could face. It was better to just shut it out, not think about it at all.
Krystal set the magazine on the edge of the bed, tapping it with her index finger. “Have a look through this. You’ll know it when you see it.”
“I don’t need to read any of that stuff. I can’
t stand seeing myself in those things.”
“It’s not about you.” She cleared her throat. “Like I said, you’ll know it when you see it.” She stood up, smoothing down her pants. “I’m going to go down to the cafeteria. Do you want to join me?”
I shook my head. There was no way I was leaving his side before he woke up, before I was sure he was going to live. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if something happened and I was in the cafeteria doing something as stupid as eating. “I want to wait here. I need to see him when he wakes up.”
“Jenna, the doctors said it could be days. You need to eat. And sleep. You can stay with me, or we can go to your parents’ house. They aren’t there and they wouldn’t care anyway. You can come back in the morning. The hospital will call…”
“I’m staying. I’ll grab something from a vending machine if I get hungry.”
“With what? You don’t have your purse.” She cocked her head to the side, peering down at me.
“I’ll be fine. I’ll eat when he wakes up. I’ll sleep when I know he’s going to be okay.” I turned back to him, taking his hand in mine.
She shook her head. “I’ll bring you something. Look through that magazine and you might change your mind.” She turned on her heel and walked through the door. I could hear the click of her shoes fading as she walked down the hallway.
The beeping and buzzing from the machines in the room had almost become comforting. As long as no alarm bells rang, he was okay. Sitting there for the past day had taught me which sounds were normal and which ones weren’t. I squeezed his hand, tracing his skin with the pad of my thumb. I opened the magazine, leafing through the pages. As long as there were no photos of me, it wouldn’t hurt to read something. I just didn’t want to see another thing about my mother or father or any commentary about whether I was gaining or losing weight. It annoyed me to no end that these stupid magazines thought it was alright to comment about me, anyway. I wasn’t a celebrity; at least not by choice.
I leafed through many pages of advertising for the latest beauty products and weight loss supplements before I saw what it was that Krystal thought I should see.
I felt sick to my stomach. Betrayed. Disgusted. I hadn’t overreacted before. The guilt I had been feeling about throwing him out, about how I had been upset over the phone sex thing, it all erased itself in an instant. A sick feeling in my stomach and the need to flee replaced those guilty feelings as soon as I saw the pictures. I was such an idiot. How many days had it even been since I’d thrown that ring at him? And now, to see my ring in this photo spread, detailing their wedding plans… I wasn’t the one who should be holding his hand, sitting at his bedside and worrying about him. He had a new fiancée who should have been there. That’s why he had been in L.A. I had no idea how he had managed to get himself stabbed, but he had been in L.A. to be with her. He hadn’t even bothered to buy her a new ring—he just gave her mine, the one I had thrown back at him.
I would stay until he woke up, but that was it. I had to let him go, no matter how much it hurt. I stood up and went to the nurses’ station to make the call. I would have my people call her people, just like she had asked me to do so many weeks ago at that party. I should have known then that he belonged to her, that I was just a conquest, a game to him. I was such a fool.
* * *
I told myself it was another hallucination. I felt her face on my hand, her hair. It was her—I knew exactly how she felt in my hands, in my arms. I knew every line of her body, every curve. It was definitely her.
I raised my head a little. It was a different room, but I knew I was back in the hospital. I couldn’t remember anything, how I had gotten there, how she was there. But there she was, her face sweetly tucked into my hand, her eyes closed, asleep. I had almost forgotten how beautiful she was when she slept, how much I loved to just watch her breathe. She was really here, so close to being in my arms again.
I slid my hand from beneath her head and stroked her hair, traced her cheekbone. She was so soft. Just touching her took away any pain I might have been feeling. It wasn’t a dream, not this time. She was really here with me.
Her eyes fluttered open and she looked up at me through her sleepy, hooded lids. It was my favorite thing, having her look at me like that. I was never going to let her go again.
She grabbed my hand and kissed the heel of my palm. She sighed deeply and the corners of her lips turned up. I could see the relief in her eyes. “You woke up.”
My voice was barely a croak, my throat as dry as a desert. “You’re here.”
Her eyes searched mine and I could see the creases of worry across her forehead. How long had she been here with me? The corners of her lips twitched up again and I could see tears flood her eyes. I couldn’t tell if she was happy or relieved. It was probably both—I had put her through hell. Her lips twitched up into that tiny smile, the one that told me she was hiding what she really felt. Why was she doing that now? She stood up, gazing down at me. She pulled my hand into hers again. “I signed the consent.”
I frowned, my brow furrowing. “What consent?”
She mirrored my frown, then twitched her lips into that prim fucking smile again. “I have a kidney.”
My eyes narrowed. “I hope you have two, sweetheart.”
Her lips curled into something of a more genuine smile. “I do. And I have one for you. We matched. The doctor said it was a million to one odds that someone not related to you would have any markers in common. We had two.”
My eyes narrowed again. “So you’re telling me we’re related?”
She squeezed my hand. “No, they did that test, too. We’re not related. Not for like a thousand generations or something.” She turned her gaze away and paused for a moment before looking back at me. “If you need it, you can have it.”
“Thanks, Jen, but why would I need your kidney?” I tilted my head to the side, resting against the pillow.
“You lost a lot of blood. Your kidney shut down from the blood loss. They’ve been doing dialysis to give it time to heal.” Her lips twitched up again. “If you need it, it’s yours.”
I shook my head. “I don’t understand, sweetheart. Why are you telling me this?”
She dropped my hand. She leaned her head down and brushed her lips against my forehead. She stood back up, taking a step back. She looked down at me again, her blue eyes searching mine. “Because I don’t need to be here for them to do it.” Tears filled her eyes again. “I’m going to go. I’ll be close enough if you need it.” Her voice dropped to a whisper, quivering. “But I need to go.”
I felt a pang in my chest and my eyes widened. “No, don’t go. I want you to stay. I need you to stay, Jen.”
Her lips made that smile again so I couldn’t see what she was feeling. “I need you to know something.”
Tears filled my eyes and I had to choke back a sob. I couldn’t remember the last time I had cried, but I couldn’t hold the tears back. My chest ached; I knew what she was going to say. She was leaving; she didn’t want me anymore. She had seen too much of my world and she couldn’t take it. I knew she wouldn’t be able to, but I didn’t care anymore. I needed her. It wasn’t even a want anymore. I needed her, with every fiber of my being. I could barely eke out a whisper. “Jen, no. I can explain everything…”
Tears spilled down her cheeks. “I loved you, Brandon. I did. You made me…” She swatted at the tears and choked down her own sob that I heard forming in her throat. “You made me love you.” She forced her tears back by biting at her lips. “Can you promise me something?”
“Anything. Just name it. Anything.” I felt a tear streak down my cheek, then another. “Anything.”
“Next time, remember that the people you play with… You know, your marks, your targets? We have feelings. We’re real people who feel real things.” She shook her head and choked back her tears again. “I’ve never loved anyone more in my life. Not the way I loved you.” She tilted her head. “Just don’t do this to anyone
else. Don’t make them go through this, what you did to me, how you hurt me, made me suffer. If you cared about me at all, even a little, can you do that for me?”
“I cared, Jen. Fuck, I care now. I care. Not past tense. I love you. Don’t go. Christ, please don’t go.” Another tear streaked down my cheek, but it didn’t matter. She had to know. She needed to believe me. I tried to grab for her hand, but she was just out of my reach. “Please, Jen…” My body crumpled against the bed. I had to choke down another sob. “Please don’t go. You don’t understand…”
She sniffled and forced that tiny smile back to her lips. “Robin will be here any minute. If you want my kidney, have her people call my people.”
“Jen, just listen. I don’t know what you think…”
She motioned at something on the bed and started backing toward the door. “I have to go. I don’t want to be here when she gets here. You can have them test her, if you want. If she’ll give you one of hers, I mean. That might be better. But if you need it, if it will help you, I’ll give you mine. I don’t even care about everything that’s happened between us. I’d do it for anyone. Even for you.”
“Jen…”
She shook her head and continued to edge backward, her feet almost to the door. “You won. You broke me.”
Alarm bells started sounding from some machine behind me and a team of hospital people rushed in. And then she was gone.
There was some medication injected to lower my blood pressure, but Christ, how could my blood pressure not have risen when the love of my life just walked out the door?
I blinked my eyes, staring at the door. I rubbed at my jaw, now covered in more than just my usual stubble. She would come back. She had to. I swallowed hard at the lump in my throat, choking down the sobs that were still there. What had I done? I had to think of something to get her back here, get her to listen.
She had motioned to something, something on the bed. I lifted my head to see it—a magazine, just barely out of my reach. I struggled to move myself down the bed far enough to catch it with my fingertip. I slid it up and lifted it to see what the hell could have upset her enough that she’d walk out without an explanation. I had been in the hospital; there weren’t any new marks. She was never a mark, anyway, never a target. Not of mine. What the hell was she talking about?
