No one would ever know.
16
Eden
EDEN had hoped preschool would give her daughter the things she didn’t have the energy to give her. Home days had become a battleground.
“Sophie, you left a mess in the kitchen.” Eden sighed, angry at the sight of abandoned crayons and papers on the table. She was sick and tired of picking up other people’s messes. “Come clean it up.”
“No. I’m busy.”
“Sophie Louise Kelley! Get in here right now and pick up your things.”
“I wanna finish watching my show,” Sophie said with a whiny tone. It made Eden crazy. It was the only voice Sophie used with her these days. Her defiant behaviour wasn’t new and in an irrational moment of anger Eden stomped into the living room, grabbed Sophie by the arm and dragged her into the kitchen.
“You’ll do what I say when I say it. Now clean your mess right now, do you understand?”
“Mommy, you’re hurting me.” She burst into tears and fell on the floor. Eden saw it as an attempt to manipulate her, so she reached for Sophie again, but the child let out a blood-curdling scream and started kicking her legs violently.
“Stop that!” Eden shouted. Fearing the neighbours would think she was beating her, Eden quickly checked the windows.
“What’s the matter with you, Sophie? You’re acting like a spoiled brat!”
“Leave me alone!” Sophie ran out the door into the garden. Eden was torn between rage and hurt. She was losing her daughter, and she felt helpless to stop it.
Eden slumped into a kitchen chair and rested her head in her hands. The situation had presented itself clearly. Sophie’s little world was guided by two unstable adults: one who had very little cognitive awareness of her, and one who rode an emotional roller coaster.
The only seemingly secure and safe element in her life was her father, who in Sophie’s mind, Eden made leave.
Sophie had refused to go back to sleeping in the den at night . Her insistence on sleeping with Eden was not due to fondness for her, Eden thought, but for coping with insecurity. She had wet the bed once, and Eden had freaked out. Eden winced. She wasn’t handling this well.
Eden cleaned Sophie’s mess, her mind swirling for answers. It was too late to undo the damage that had been done, right? Besides, she always said it would harm Sophie in the long run to get back together with Cade just for her sake. Eden now wondered if she was wrong.
“Sophie? Where are you?” Eden strolled through the gardens looking under every crook and cranny, any place that looked like it could hide a little girl.
“Sophie, answer me.” A shiver of fear ran up Eden’s spine. She had assumed Sophie was hiding out in one of her secret places, but what if she had left the property altogether? The yard was fenced but the gate was easy to open, and Sophie was a smart four-year-old. Besides that, the weather was cool, and Sophie didn’t have her jacket.
“Sophie! If you can hear me answer me right now, or, or I’ll call the police and they’ll put you in jail!”
No answer. Eden ran around the garden like a lunatic. Where was she? Where was her daughter? Her heart beat wildly and every horror story she had ever heard about child abduction raced through her mind in seconds. If something happened to Sophie, she would never forgive herself. She started praying, pleading with God to protect her daughter.
She ran back into the house, shouting Sophie’s name, checking every room, and was about to call 911 when the phone rang.
“Hello?” she said breathlessly.
“Hi, Eden. This is Tina. I just thought you should know that Sophie has shown up here. She says she walked all by herself.”
That was five blocks down a busy city street. Eden burst into tears.
“Eden, are you all right?”
“No,” she blubbered. “She scared me to death, Tina. I can’t believe she did something like that.”
“Listen. Why don’t you leave her here a while until you pull yourself together? Then come over for tea and we can talk.”
“I can’t. I’m sorry I’d love to, but I have my mother here and I can’t leave her.”
“You have your hands full, don’t you? Okay then, why don’t I bring her home in about forty-five minutes?”
“That would be fine. Thanks, Tina.”
Eden entered the living room in a haze, her body a worn-out rag, and flopped onto the couch. She clutched a cushion tightly, fighting back nausea. Salty tears ran down her cheeks and stained her shirt.
“What’s all the racket down there?” Eleanor shouted, slowly making her way down the stairs.
“Nothing, Mom.”
Eleanor was dressed to kill. To kill what, Eden wasn’t sure. Underclothes over top of her dress, make-up an inch thick: She looked like a drag queen. Eden pinched her eyes shut and sighed.
17
Eden
Eleanor was napping. She did so more often lately and Eden was thankful beyond words. The attention she required when awake seemed to increase daily, and Eden often lost patience with her. She had to remind herself that her mother was ill.
Eden let her head rest on the back of her big stuffy chair, and curled up to enjoy a moments peace. Ah, it felt so good. Her eyes drifted shut.
She heard the steps creak, and cracked her eyes open just enough to see Eleanor struggle down the steps and approach the couch.
“Hi, Eden,” she said. “When did you get here?”
Eden sat up straight. “Mom?”
“Sweetheart, you should have told me you were coming. Did Cade come with you?”
“No,” Eden murmured, frightened. “He couldn’t make it.” A window had opened. Her mother had come back from the living dead. Eden felt paralysed as she stared.
“What is it, dear? Is something the matter?” Eleanor’s voice was clear and somehow younger. The atmosphere in the room was reverent. Eden knew they were experiencing a holy moment, a miracle. Eleanor sat, and Eden threw herself to the floor by her mother’s feet, pressing herself against her lap.
“I love you, Mom. I’ve really missed you.”
“Now, now.” Eleanor patted her head. “I love you, too. And we’re together now, right?”
Eden prayed this moment would never end, but when she looked up again, Eleanor’s eyes had glazed over.
“Mom?”
She was no longer there. The window had slipped closed.
“Mom!” Eden cried. Eleanor pushed her away, and Eden slunk back to her chair. Her chest burned as she heaved deep sobs of grief. You don’t know what you’ve lost ‘til it’s gone.
18
Eleanor
THE GARDENS were beautiful this time of year: vibrant reds, pinks, oranges—a whole spectrum of colours, rich and boisterous. It seemed wrong somehow, that the garden could be so alive when her mother’s deceased body lay upstairs.
At least the weather had the decency to grey the sky with drizzle. A small group of mourners huddled together as the casket was lowered into the ground. The Emerson family was present, reciprocating the kindness Ellie and Pa Williams had shown their household when the elder Emerson boys were buried. Ellie’s eyes were dry now. Only she and God would know the depth of her sorrow and the volume of tears she’d shed in the night. She stared at the coffin until it could no longer be seen for the dirt being shovelled on top.
The pastor said a final prayer, committing the soul of Louise Marie Williams to God, then led the procession out of the graveyard to the waiting vehicles.
The church ladies had prepared a reception afterwards in the church basement. All the neighbourhood folk were there. Ellie and her Pa sat at a table in the corner. Ellie couldn’t help but search the room for the only face she cared to see. He was already looking at her. Their eyes caught for a second, then she glanced away.
She let her mind drift back to the day of her mother’s death. She and Josh had met at the abandoned shed that divided their properties.
“Ellie, I have some news.”
“What is it, Josh?”
“I got a summer job.”
His eyes were strangely sad, Ellie thought. “That’s great, isn’t it?”
“Yes, it is. I mean, a man’s got to be thankful to find work these days right? Even if…”
A knowing filled Ellie’s soul and she grabbed at the pain that stabbed her heart. “You’re going away.”
“I got a job fishing on the ocean. The boat goes out, we make our catch, bring it in and then go out again. We do that all summer.”
Ellie tried to conceal her unhappiness. “When do you leave?”
“Right after graduation.”
“But that’s only two weeks from now!”
“I know. Oh Ellie, I’m going to miss you so much.”
“I’ll miss you, too.” They held each other tight, almost afraid to let go. Joshua’s lips brushed along her forehead, the bridge of her nose, her cheek, her neck. Ellie’s nerve endings shouted, and her body arched in response. He touched her lips with his, then pressed hard with passion. He ran fingers through her hair and whispered urgently in her ear, “I want you Ellie. I’ve never wanted anyone like this before.”
Ellie tried to pull away. “We can’t, Joshua. It’s not right.”
“What’s not right? I love you, and you love me.”
Her passions soared with his. She whispered feebly, “We’re not married.”
“I vow to you here and now that there will be no other. Doesn’t that mean more than a piece of paper? Ellie, don’t deny me your love before I go.”
She didn’t deny him. In that moment she wanted him as badly as he needed her. She loved him. They were meant to be together.
By the time Ellie made it back home, John was waiting on the front steps, looking for her.
“Where were you?”
“I went for a walk.” She expected him to be outraged. She had taken off without telling him and hadn’t expected to be gone as long as she had been. Hadn’t expected…
Instead he seemed distressed, his face twisting against his will. That was when she knew. “Oh no, Pa. Not… Ma?”
“She’s dead.”
The metal legs of a stacking-style wooden chair scraped against the cement floor as her father left his place beside her. She became aware of the low din of voices and tea cups setting back onto saucers. It was true. Her mother was gone, and she had missed her chance to be there at the end, because….
Suddenly Josh was sitting in her father’s vacated seat. “I’ve missed you. I’m so sorry about your mother. Are you okay?”
She couldn’t look into his eyes. “Do you think God took her because… you know?”
“That’s utter nonsense, Ellie. Your ma was ill. This was bound to happen sometime right? Look at me.” Joshua lifted her chin with his finger. “If God were going to punish someone it should be me, right? And everything is okay with me, as long as you promise you’ll smile again.”
The corners of her mouth curled slightly.
“That’s better. Now I should go before folks start to talk. See you at grad?”
“Yeah, I’ll be there. Ma wouldn’t want me to miss my graduation ceremonies.”
“Good.” He gave her hand a quick squeeze. “Until then.”
19
Eden
EDEN answered the phone just to stop it from ringing. Her mind was foggy after her nap, and she was still processing whatever had happened moments ago with her mother.
“It’s me,” Justin’s warm voice greeted her.
“Hi.” She hadn’t spoken to him since their date, and she wasn’t convinced she wanted to. He was cute, but she had the feeling he never had any real responsibilities in life. He didn’t understand what it was like for her right now. “What’s up?” She fiddled with the cord, twisting it around her wrist.
Justin sighed. “I acted like an idiot on our date, and I want to say I’m sorry. I drank too much. I think I was nervous. You make me nervous, did you know that? So incredibly gorgeous.”
Eden softened and her lips pulled up in a slight smile.
“That must be why I brought up your ex. I’m jealous.”
“Why would you feel jealous? We’re not together.”
“But, you’re still married.”
Something stabbed her when he said that. She was still married.
“Anyway, I hope you’ll give me a second chance when I get back.”
Right, his job out east. “Sure. Call me when you return.”
“Whew! Thanks, Eden. I thought I’d blown it for sure. I’ll call you when I get to Toronto?”
“Okay.”
“Good. Great. Okay. Goodbye beautiful.”
She cupped a hand over the smile that spread on her face.
Marti dropped in later on. She knew her way around the house well by now, and so offered to make the tea this time, an offer Eden accepted while plunging gratefully into her chair.
“You look like you had a hard day,” Marti said, handing Eden her cup. She lowered herself into another chair across from her, curling up her legs.
Eden blew over the steam. “It shows?”
“Well, yeah. You look tired.”
“That would be an understatement.”
“What happened?”
Eden told her about her mother’s brief moment of clarity. “I cried when she left me. I feel like I’ve lost her twice. Now I’m not sure if it was even real. Maybe I dreamt the whole thing. I’m just so exhausted.”
“Dream or real, it was a gift to you, Eden. Though only for a few moments, you had your mother back. You were able to tell her you loved her.”
“That’s true. I never told her that enough.” Eden bit her lip, her eyes growing red and watery. “I wasn’t a very good daughter.”
“Oh, Eden.”
“No really. Let me talk. I have to get this off my chest.”
Marti tucked red strands of hair behind a heavily studded ear. “Okay.”
“Everything was great when I was younger,”Eden began. “I loved my parents and they loved me and we did everything together. Then, when I was thirteen, in high school, I realised for the first time that my parents were much older than my friends’ parents. My parents were like everyone else’s grandparents.”
She caught Marti’s eye. “Remember Lisa Putnik?”
Marti nodded.
“My first painful memory was of her pointing at my mother and saying, ‘That’s your mom? She’s old! She looks like my grandma.’ Everyone, all my friends, heard her and I was mortified. I hated Lisa ever since. We were rivals in school.”
“I remember that, too,” Marti said.
“After that I didn’t want my parents to come to school functions, and I didn’t want to have friends over to my house. It was dumb. I see that now. My parents came anyway. They were concerned about my education and they said they were proud of me.
“The gulf between us kept widening. They got very paranoid if I went anywhere with boys present. That really made me mad. And when I started going out with Cade, they almost went through the roof.
“So, of course, they didn’t approve when I ran away up north with him. I think I did it just because I knew they wouldn’t like it. They wanted me to go to university. They could afford to give me a good education. They said I was throwing it all away for Cade. I guess they were right, eh?” Eden chuckled at the cruel irony of life and sipped her tea.
“Once, when I’d planned to leave Cade the first time, I filled out an application to attend UBC and was accepted. But then I learned I was pregnant.
“My parents and I would go for months without any contact whatsoever. I know I hurt them deeply. And then out of the blue, Dad died. I’ll never be able to make it up to him. But with Mom, I can still take care of her. It’s the least I can do.”
“Don’t be too hard on yourself,” Marti said gently. “Lots of teenagers rebel against their parents. Why do you think your parents waited so long to have a baby?”
“They didn’t. I was born two
years after they were married; it’s just that they didn’t get married until they were in their late thirties. You know Marti, I don’t really know much about their lives before they were married. I mean, as far back as I can remember, Dad was always an architect, but, I think he spent some time working for a fishery when he was young.
“Am I that selfish, Marti? Why don’t I know anything about their past?”
20
Eden
AFTER DAYS of relentless, pounding, drumming rain the sky cleared and long, slim, golden darts poked through fuchsia-tinted clouds, beckoning the housebound to come out to play.
“Sophie, you wanna go to the park?” After the last episode with Sophie, Eden decided she needed to pay more attention to her daughter, so she put more effort into making life fun again. Of course it took half the day just to get Eleanor ready, but eventually they began the stroll to the park that was beside the preschool. On impulse, Eden grabbed her camera.
As soon as they got there, Sophie ran to the swings.
“Push me, Mommy! Higher!”
Eden pushed her high enough to run underneath, an under-duck, and she laughed. It was so good to see her daughter happy again. Then to her astonishment, Eleanor sat on the swing beside her.
“Push me too, Lillian.” Eden gave her a gentle shove.
“Me again, Mommy. Push me again!” Eden gave Sophie a second under-duck and then slipped into the swing on the other side of her. She pumped her legs, gaining height. Pump, swing, pump, swing: It was exhilarating. Eden laughed out loud. Here she was, with her daughter and her mother swinging like school girls. Fresh moist air filled her lungs. She leaned back letting her hair fly behind her. For one glorious long moment the heaviness of her current affairs lifted. She felt as free as an eagle.
East of the Sun: a 20th century inspirational romance. Page 7
