by Di Morrissey
‘It certainly is. It looks better at night than day.’
‘I didn’t mean just the view. I meant, being here with you, Abby . . .’ They reached for each other and their lips crushed together, blotting out all other thoughts.
Moments of time blurred as they were swept into a world of their own. They leaned back, their bodies entwined, surrendering to their deep true feelings.
Barney ran his hands along Abby’s body making her quiver. They pulled a little apart and looked deep into each other’s eyes. ‘I’ve never done this before . . . kissed anyone like this . . . Oh, Abby.’
‘Me either,’ she whispered back and they reached for each other again, overcome by the power and ardent heat of their passion. Once unleashed there was no holding back their feelings.
It happened easily and naturally, with no collusion, no coyness. At one point he held her by the shoulders and looked at her sweet face. ‘Abby . . . are you sure?’
She nodded and hugged him tightly.
Despite a little fumbling, a giggle, a gasp of pain that was soon replaced by soft sighs of pleasure, the first-time experience for both of them was sweetly satisfying.
Barney smoothed Abby’s damp hair off her forehead, delighting in this intimate gesture. She ran her hands down his strong back and glanced shyly at his body, marvelling at the wonder of it all.
Slowly Abby became aware again of the world that was beyond their bodies and their passion. Over Barney’s shoulder she found herself focusing on one particular star in a universe of stars.
‘There’s a star looking at us,’ she whispered.
Barney lifted his head from nuzzling her hair, settled close and, holding her hand, asked with warmth, ‘Which one?’
Abby carefully led him through the heavens to her star near the Southern Cross.
‘Let’s call it our star for the rest of our lives,’ whispered Barney.
Both were overwhelmed with love. They kissed and then Abby pulled away. ‘That friendly star may warm the soul but it doesn’t do much for the body . . . It’s getting cold.’ She turned to him, took his hand and they looked into each other’s eyes. They knew that neither of them really wanted to leave.
‘Hard to come back down to earth,’ said Barney quietly but with feeling.
Abby nodded.
‘Nothing will ever be the same, Ab. We can’t undo what’s happened. I love you so much.’
‘I love you too, Barney. Very much.’
At the gate to Anglesea Abby got out. ‘Don’t drive up to the house, we might wake them. I’ll walk the last mile home.’ The idea of walking along the track in the moonlight through the trees appealed to her. She wanted to savour all these special moments.
‘Not on your own. I’ll drive slowly a little way with the lights off and walk you the last bit,’ he whispered, as if the McBrides could hear them.
He waited and watched her hurry along the last of the track to the house, till she turned and waved and disappeared from sight. For both of them the night was like a dream, and for the moment the promise of the future shone as bright and untarnished as the stars above.
The following morning Barney came into the surgery and placed a bunch of roses from Enid’s garden on her desk. They smiled at each other, a warm, loving, knowing smile.
‘Meet me for lunch in the park,’ he whispered. ‘I’ll get us sandwiches.’
Screened by trees, they sat in the sunlight and held hands and ate their sandwiches. Barney turned to Abby and kissed a crumb from her bottom lip. ‘Ab . . . I love you. And I’m not just saying that because of last night. I really do love you. So much that I won’t let it happen again . . . get carried away like that. I just don’t want you to think that was why I asked you out or anything. I want to keep seeing you, and I promise I won’t let it happen again.’
She smiled tenderly at him. ‘ It wasn’t anything horrible, Barney,’ she t eased. ‘But I appreciate you saying that. I love you too. Do you think we should keep seeing each other though? I mean . . .’ She stumbled to a halt, not wanting to say that she knew their love had no future.
Barney kissed her again, a long passionate kiss which she returned eagerly. He drew away and touched her cheek with his fingertip. ‘ Shush, Abby . . . Let’s not say any more. Let’s just enjoy being together. I just want to be with you.’
For the next few weeks they saw each other every moment they could, throwing caution to the wind, not caring what the town gossips were saying. Picnics, horse riding, hikes, movies — everything delighted them when they were in each other’s company. They laughed; they teased each other; they shared secrets and grew closer and closer together. Barney was totally enraptured by this girl and Abby knew she would never love anyone the way she loved Barney.
But a shadow crept into her heart for she knew it couldn’t last. One day their two different worlds would force them apart and she kept saying to herself, ‘ The next time I see him, I’ll say we can’t go on like this.’ But as soon she saw his happy grin, felt the touch of his hand and tasted his sweet and stolen kisses, her resolve weakened. ‘Next time, next time. One of us has to be strong and stop this before we break our hearts. It’s wonderful but we have no future together.’ But each time her heart overruled her head.
Barney didn’t see any problems. He had found the girl of his dreams, he loved Abby and all he thought of each morning was when he’d see her next. Tomorrow was a long way away.
SHANNON LEANED ON THE WOOL-CLASSING TABLE, watching Barney write in his notebook, which was where he kept his figures, calculations, details of sheep and day-to-day activities about the property.
‘So. How’s your horse coming along?’ he asked.
‘Not bad. There’s such a lot of boring drilling and practising for dressage. The jumping is more fun.’
‘Can’t do one without the other?’
‘Not really.’ Shannon gave him a shrewd look. ‘So what have you been up to? Haven’t seen you around lately.’
‘The usual is keeping me busy, that’s all.’ Barney straightened up and buttoned the flap of his top shirt pocket over his notebook.
‘Does the usual include Saturday night at the pictures, horse riding and picnics with a certain girl?’
He gave her a cold look. ‘Perhaps. Now look, Shannon, we’ve been through this …’
‘You’re being a fool, Barney. And you’re making her out to be just as bad, or worse.’
‘And what does that mean?’ Shannon’s roundabout conversations irritated him. Abby was so straight to the point and uncomplicated.
‘The general belief is that when boys like you take out girls like her, it’s only for one reason.’
‘And I’ll tell you the reason, Shannon. It’s because I like Abby’s company. It’s that simple.’ He paused and took a deep breath. ‘Look, Shannon, you’re a pretty girl, you have a lot going for you. Don’t spoil our friendship. Choose one of those blokes that are always hanging about, and have a good time. I’ll see you around.’ He stepped into the truck, gave her a slight smile and drove away. Shannon remounted her horse and rode back towards Anglesea in a fuming temper.
Gwen noticed there was something different about Abby and she decided to talk to her one Sunday afternoon while they were doing the huge pile of ironing in the kitchen.
‘Barney means a lot to you, doesn’t he, Ab?’ She continued to sprinkle water over a cotton shirt then roll it up for ironing.
Abby didn’t let the remark interrupt her rhythmic sweep of the iron across one of Kevin’s school shirts. She had been expecting her mother to say something like that for some time. ‘Yes, Mum. I love him,’ she said calmly.
‘Deeply?’
Abby stopped ironing, stood the iron on its end and looked at her mother. Their eyes met . ‘Desperately … I’m terribly in love with him, Mum.’ Her eyes began to fill.
‘Switch off the iron, luv, and sit down for a while.’
Over the pile of damped-down clothes, Gwen watched her daughter. It�
��s going to hurt the girl, she thought, hurt her badly.
Abby sat across from her mother, arms folded on the table. She reached into her pocket for a handkerchief and wiped her eyes. ‘I know what you’re thinking, Mum … that it’s an impossible situation … that it can’t work … and … Oh God, Mum, what’s the answer? You have no idea just how much I love him.’
‘Yes I have. Remember, mums can be as deeply in love as their daughters … and we have memories too, you know.’
Abby said nothing, but sniffed a little into her handkerchief and wiped her eyes again.
‘I don’t think there’s an easy answer at this point, Abby. That sort of love can be like a river in flood. You’ve just got to hang on to something till the flood passes.’
‘What do I hang on to?’ Abby pleaded.
‘Us, Abby, and the faith of the church.’ She walked around the table and wrapped her arms about her daughter.
Abby nodded but somehow she didn’t think her church was going to come up with any answers.
Enid and Phillip arrived home and Barney and the dogs ran down the steps to the driveway to greet them. Barney gave his mother an effusive hug, lifting her off the ground, causing Enid to gasp in surprise.
‘Barney, put me down. What has come over you?’ Barney grinned and ignored the question. ‘How are you, Mum? How did the tests turn out?’
Before she could reply, Phillip interrupted. ‘Not quite the right moment for medical details, Barnard. A little later perhaps.’ He stretched out his hand, which Barney took. ‘ Good to see you, son. Any problems about the place?’
‘Everything is perfect, Father. Absolutely perfect,’ he said with enthusiasm. Phillip gave him a quizzical look as he unloaded the suitcases from the car. Mrs Anderson appeared and she and Enid led the way indoors.
That night, after dinner, Phillip sat with Barney in the study sharing a port.
‘It’s not too bad, son. Your mother has a heart problem that can’t be fixed. But as long as she is careful and there’s no excessive stress, she should handle the condition for a long time to come.’
‘Not too bad … but not too good either,’ said Barney.
‘Well, your mother is handling it very well, son, and it’s up to us to give her all the support we can.’ Phillip took a sip of his port. ‘By the way, we took your advice and went to the Tivoli. Splendid variety show. Enid enjoyed it immensely.’
Enid was sitting in her rose garden the next day when Barney arrived with two glasses of lemon squash for their morning tea.
‘It’s lovely to be back home and in the garden,’ sighed his mother. ‘ And with you,’ she added fondly.
‘Good to have you back, Mum. Dad tells me that the medical situation isn’t all that bad,’ he said, trying to mask his concern.
‘No. It’s nothing to get alarmed about I’m told. No point in worrying anyway.’ Enid sipped her squash. ‘ By the way, I was talking to Mrs Pemberton after breakfast this morning.’
Barney drained his glass. Uh-oh, he thought. Here it comes. He turned towards his mother. ‘I suppose she was full of news.’
‘Yes. She told me Shannon was upset at you seeing so much of the McBride girl.’ Enid studied his face. ‘You’re fond of her, I take it?’
Barney nodded.
‘Your father isn’t going to like this, Barney. You know he wouldn’t approve of such a match. Best to end it now, dear.’
‘I love her, Mum.’
Enid looked helplessly at him. ‘ Oh dear … Oh dear,’ she sighed.
One afternoon Abby went for a walk before tea. She was confused about her feelings and needed to think things through. It was late afternoon; the sun was sinking, tinging the clouds pink and gold, and the first breath of evening air stirred the leaves. She walked in a world of her own, lost in thoughts of her love for Barney. She tingled as she hugged memories to herself: of Barney’s arms and lips, the touch of his hands on her body, the sound of his soft laugh and gentle voice. How she loved him; he dominated her thoughts and emotions to such an extent that she could think of little else and sometimes it threatened to make her feel physically ill. She sat down and leaned against an old eucalypt and watched the day fade. Soon she would have to go back as tea would be on the table. Tripe and onions in white parsley sauce. Abby closed her eyes, not feeling at all like food.
Through her closed eyelids, a light seemed to burn like a ball of fire. In a flash she saw and felt and knew … she was pregnant. The little signs she had ignored, a creeping awareness that had tried to penetrate her mind but which she had pushed away, now struck her with the force of a blow. Yes, weeks had passed, more than she had realised.
Fear, shock, dread were quickly replaced by a growing feeling of joy. That within her body was a part of Barney. That their shared love had created a tangible result. The crystallisation of their love and passion would be there for the whole world to witness. She would always have Barney with her now for she had his child.
Abby put off facing the reality of her condition for a month. She longed to share the burden with her mother, but first she realised she needed medical confirmation. With great difficulty she worked up courage to ask Doctor Malone to examine her.
She stood in his office, her eyes downcast as he studied her. ‘What seems to be the problem, Abby? You aren’t feeling well?’
She shook her head. ‘I won’t go through the symptoms, they’re pretty standard, I suppose. I … I think I might be pregnant.’
Doctor Malone tried to cover his own surprise and disappointment. He would never have picked Abby as a girl that would come to him ‘in trouble’.
He confirmed her suspicions and then drew the curtain around the examination table. ‘What are you going to do, Abby?’ he asked, as she dressed with shaking hands.
‘I don’t know. I’m still adjusting to the whole idea. I wasn’t sure. You won’t say anything, will you, Doctor Malone?’ she asked quickly.
‘I’m bound by my oath, Abby. But it is a situation you are going to have to think through carefully. I would like to advise you. Have you told the father and your own family?’ he asked kindly.
Abby stepped from behind the short curtain and sat down opposite his desk, shaking her head.
‘You are going to tell them soon, I hope. You have a pretty serious decision to make.’
Abby looked taken aback. ‘ W hat ’ s that?’
‘What is to become of the child.’
Abby closed her eyes, suddenly feeling she might faint as confusion swept over her . ‘What do you mean, become of the child? It’s mine, I’ll keep it.’
‘Is the father going to marry you?’ As Abby stared at him, pale-faced and silent, Doctor Malone continued. ‘ Be practical, Abby. If you both love each other and plan to marry, then do so in the near future. This is not such an unusual occurrence. But if you don’t plan to marry, then the child must be taken care of. Naturally, as you and I are Catholics, we must see this matter through. I can put you in touch with a home in Sydney that looks after girls in your condition and finds good Catholic families for the babies.’
‘I have my own family. They’ll look after me. I don’t need to find a home for my baby.’
‘Abby, you will need medical supervision. This doesn’t just affect you and your future. There is the father, your own family. It could hurt your brother and sisters at school. You know how people gossip.’ He reached out and patted her hand. ‘ Go home and talk it through with your family. And tell them there are lots of families wanting a baby to love. You will get over this and go on to have your own family. Don’t throw your life away, Abby. I’ve seen it happen too often.’
Abby put it off. When Barney phoned her the following week at the surgery she was evasive about meeting him . ‘Abby, I really want to see you. What’s wrong?’ He could tell something was bothering her.
‘Nothing, I’m fine.’
‘Abby, you sound funny. Let me cheer you up. I want to spend all day Saturday with you. Please, Ab … Get
out of hockey practice if you can.’
‘I already have,’ said Abby slowly. She’d had a hard time giving Cheryl an excuse for getting out of the team. She felt it best to do so early and had said she had to spend more time helping her mother.
‘Good. Great minds think alike. I’ve been planning it all week. I’ll pick you up at ten Saturday morning.’
Abby spent two agonising nights lying awake in her bed, rationally thinking through her predicament. She loved Barney but she knew there had always been a time limit on their love and finally it had run out. She would tell him she couldn’t see him anymore. That it had gone too far, got too serious and it would be best for both of them to cut it off now. She wanted his baby, but she didn’t want Barney to be forced into a situation he hadn’t chosen. She could just hear his parents telling him she was using the oldest trick in the book; but even if this hadn’t happened, she knew she and Barney didn’t have a future together.
On Saturday morning, Abby told her mother she was going out for the day with Barney. She set off down the track to the gate and met Barney halfway.
‘Couldn’t wait to see me, eh?’ he grinned, leaning over and opening the door for her.
Abby gave a wan smile and he kissed her on the cheek. ‘S o what are we doing, Barney?’
‘You’ll see.’
They drove for an hour and turned off the main road onto a dirt road and then onto a track. A stand of casuarinas on the bend of the river came into view.
‘A magic spot, Abby, magical and beautiful, like you.’
They unpacked Mrs Anderson’s picnic hamper, collected twigs and built a fire to boil the billy for a cup of tea, then they went exploring. To their surprise, they found a little fenced graveyard. Standing in the little graveyard was a headstone which recorded the loss of a baby — Joan Alice Gilbert aged one month — and suddenly Abby began to cry.
Barney gathered her in his arms and comforted her . ‘ A b … why are you so upset?’ He kissed her teary face.
‘Normally it wouldn’t … Oh Barney.’ She wrenched away from him and turned and ran, stumbling blindly over the rough ground.
