by Di Morrissey
‘Why not, dear? Doesn’t she love you? That seems strange.’
‘She says it’s because she’s just a shearer’s daughter and she’s Catholic — she thinks that would stop us being happy. I disagree. Dad doesn’t want me to see her again. I can’t agree to that. So I’m going to leave the house for a little while. Just till matters cool down. I’m still hoping I will be able to persuade Abby to marry me. They’re a good decent family. You’d like them.’
Enid didn’t speak for a moment, trying to take it all in. She reached out and patted his hand . ‘But where will you go, dear? Not far, I hope.’
‘No, mother. I’ll stay in town for a bit. I want to keep near to Abby.’
‘I suppose people will talk. Your father will hate that.’
‘I suppose so. It’s going to be harder for her.’
‘You really love her and want to marry her?’
‘Yes, I do. I know you probably wanted me to marry some nice grazier’s daughter with money and position and class, but well, it just hasn’t turned out that way. I’m sorry.’
‘Don’t be sorry. Love rarely turns out the way you expect,’ said Enid enigmatically.
Barney gave her a strange look. He hadn’t expected this reaction from his mother. ‘Dad was afraid the news might upset you. I hope it hasn’t. Please don’t fret about things. I’ll work something out.’
Enid nodded, gave Barney’s hand another pat and turned her attention to the dogs, fondling their ears, lost in thought.
‘Would you like anything, Mother?’ asked Barney gently.
‘I would like for you to be happy,’ she said simply.
Touched, Barney leaned over and kissed her cheek, then quietly left the room. He went to the kitchen looking for Mrs Anderson, who was tidying away the dinner dishes.
‘I’m toddling off to bed in a minute. Jim’s already gone. You want anything?’ she asked. Then, seeing his face and having heard the distant shouts, she added, ‘Maybe a shoulder?’
‘Oh, Mrs A, I do.’ Barney slumped into the rocking chair by the fuel stove and poured out his story.
‘Why didn’t you come to me at the start? This is a terrible burden for you to carry around.’
‘I suppose you heard the ructions. I’m going to move into town for a bit. Till we decide what to do. I just wish Abby would marry me. I’ve told Mum; she took it surprisingly well.’
‘It’s all very well saying you want to marry her, but maybe you have to show her how serious you are. It’s a choice, Barney — Amba or Abby.’
‘It’d break Dad’s heart if I walked away from this. It’s what I’ve been expected to do all my life, take over Amba. God, I wish I had a brother.’
‘You’ve never had to make a choice, all the decisions about your life have been made for you. Maybe it’s time you took control and decided what you want.’
‘You can’t always do what you want yourself, Mrs A. One has obligations and moral responsibilities to family.’
‘And sometimes you only get one chance at happiness.’
They stared at each other across the room.
‘A terrible choice, isn’t it?’ said Barney miserably. ‘Damned if I do, damned if I don’t. I was hoping that if Abby won’t marry me I could work things out so I could still see her and the baby.’
‘Sounds like half a life to me. They’d move at some stage, believe me, Barney, and you’ll lose them anyway. Best to make the decision now.’
She rose and patted him on the shoulder, her heart aching for him . ‘Think about your life, Barney, and what sort of a life your child will have as it gets older. I didn’t have kids, and I’d hate the idea of losing one I did have. Goodnight, luv.’
Barney prowled through the large silent house, knowing sleep wouldn’t come easily. A thin slice of light shone beneath his father’s study door. His mother had retired to her bedroom, having seen Diet and Tucker bedded down for the night. The rest of the house was cold and dark.
He opened the door to his childhood bedroom, flicking on the light, and stared around at the memorabilia of school and growing-up days. All at once he was swamped with long-buried feelings of aching loneliness. The nights at boarding school where he had cried himself to sleep, his sobs muffled by a pillow. And nights and days here in this room where he had longed for laughter and the companionship of a family … a family like the McBrides.
He had a father he couldn’t talk to who would never think him good enough, a mother whose affection had been transferred to the dogs who loved her devotedly and never demanded anything from her. No, there had to be a better way. Money, security, position, they weren’t the answer. But nor was struggling in poverty.
Barney switched off the light and strode from the room. He was not going to condemn his child to a confused and lonely childhood like his. He and Abby would give their child the joy of a family. Somehow.
MRS DOHERTY, STALWART MEMBER OF THE Country Women’s Association, shopping basket over her arm, strode quickly in sensible shoes towards the haberdashers. Her stout figure was accentuated by a belted, full-skirted flowered frock with cap sleeves and pearl buttons. The plastic cherries on her straw hat bounced energetically as she hurried on, determined to be first to break the news about Barney Holten.
Gaining the shop owner’s rapt attention, she launched into details. ‘That’s right. Into town. Moved two days ago. Into the house the Undersides lived in till old George died. He’s only renting, very temporary I was told. It must have been a lulu of an argument for him to move out of Amba.’
The lady on the other side of the cedar counter was agog . ‘Wonder what it was about.’
‘A girl I should say. And I think I know who,’ said Mrs Doherty with an air of superior knowledge.
‘Barney, I can’t believe you’ve done this,’ whispered Abby into the telephone.
‘Shall I come round and see you at lunchtime? Seeing as I’m now living in town,’ he said, trying to sound cheerful.
‘Do you think that’s wise? Maybe we’d better not be seen together for a bit. It must already be all over town you’ve moved out of your parents’ house.’
‘People are going to find out about us soon enough, Abby.’
‘What are your plans, Barney?’
‘I’ll tell you when I see you. I’m meeting my mother for morning tea, she had to come in to the hospital for a checkup.’
‘Barney, I don’t know about lunchtime today, Doctor Malone is busy … maybe tomorrow …’
Barney heard the hesitancy in her voice and was momentarily stung, but then he softened. ‘A lot has happened all at once, hasn’t it? I’ll see you tomorrow. Do you feel okay?’
‘Yes, Barney, I’m just a bit dazed. I feel so responsible for everything that’s happening to you.’
‘I’m just as responsible, Abby,’ he said gently. ‘And for the first time I’m taking control of my life and responsibility for my own actions. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I love you, Abby.’
At lunchtime, Abby walked slowly down the street in the blazing sunshine, deep in thought. She was feeling confused and overwhelmed by the emotional currents swirling around her. Everything had seemed so straightforward. Now, like the flooded river her mother had talked about, her life was in turmoil. She was hoping the walk would help clear her head but Barney dominated her thoughts, as he always did. However, now it wasn’t just the great love she felt for him that occupied her mind, but the concern as well. It was hard seeing him all the time, having him so close. She wished she could find the strength to keep him at bay. Suddenly she realised that one day she would have to move away with the baby to make a new life for herself and allow Barney to return to Amba and continue his life as it had been mapped out for him. The thought of leaving him filled her with pain.
Abby found herself across the street from her church. The door stood open and Abby slowly walked up the steps into its cool and peaceful interior. Her fingers lightly touched the holy water in the font and she crossed herself. As she
genuflected, she noticed another person in a pew close by. A woman, in a neat hat, sat with her head bowed.
Abby adjusted the scarf knotted under her chin and slipped into a rear pew. She hadn’t been to confession since discovering she was pregnant. Was it guilt that had kept her away, not wanting Father O’Leary to know what had happened and offer his advice as well as possible condemnation? Although Abby chose not to go to the confessional, she drew strength from the sanctity of the church and felt that despite her transgression, she was nonetheless loved and accepted. She assumed she’d abide by the church’s dictum and raise her baby in the same faith, even though Barney was Presbyterian. She wondered if she should discuss it with him, then decided that as she was taking responsibility for the baby, it was her choice.
Again it came to her what a chasm separated her from Barney, despite their deep love. The knowledge stabbed at her heart and tears came to her eyes. How unfair life was, she told herself as she buried her head in her hands and tried to pray. She didn’t notice the other woman walk slowly down the aisle and pause beside her, then slip into the pew and sit next to her.
‘Hello, Abigail.’
Abby looked up in shock. ‘ Mrs Holten … Hello. I didn’t expect …’ Abby hesitated and Mrs Holten completed the thought.
‘To see me here.’ She offered no explanation but clearly wanted to talk to Abby. ‘Since we’ve happened to meet, I want you to know that I really feel for your predicament. Barney has told me how he loves you.’
Abby was astonished. ‘Thank you, Mrs Holten. I really hadn’t expected any sympathy from you or your husband.’
‘Phillip is a proud man. He sets great store by certain things. How one lives one’s life. But you know … Abby … sometimes things aren’t what they seem. There can sometimes be a way through … problems.’ Enid was breathless, speaking faster now as if she only had a few minutes to pass on a secret message. ‘ It just takes one person to make that leap of faith, or compromise, I suppose. But you only get one chance when you come to the fork in the road, to decide which way to go. I cannot advise you and Barney. I don’t want to see my husband hurt, but nor do I want to see my son lose his chance at happiness. Think carefully about the decision you’ve made …’
‘I’m not going to give up my baby, Mrs Holten,’ said Abby quickly and firmly.
‘I didn’t mean that. I meant about you and Barney. Differences can be overlooked, ignored … People have done it you know.’
‘What sort of differences? You mean class and background and religion? They’re big differences in this society,’ said Abby with a tinge of bitterness.
Enid Holten stood and briefly touched Abby’s shoulder. ‘Please don’t tell Barney we’ve spoken. In my generation a woman doesn’t challenge her husband, but if I had my life over … maybe it would be … different. Barney was a gift. I want his happiness more than anything.’
‘Me too,’ said Abby tearfully.
‘Then don’t deprive him of his child. Think carefully, Abby.’ She drifted quietly away and was gone.
Abby sat and stared at the flickering candle Enid had lit at the altar. Was she obliquely asking Abby to give up the baby and hand it over to Barney? Surely not. Abby strode from the church and in the bright daylight blinked as she pulled her scarf from her head. She was halfway down the street before she’d started to calm down and then the questions came. What was Enid Holten doing in the Catholic church? She couldn’t have known Abby would go in on an impulse. What did she mean? She’d been telling her something but Abby didn’t understand what. Should she mention it to Barney? She decided not to.
Barney waited for Abby when she got off the school bus with the children.
He opened the car door for her and she slipped onto the front seat. He got in and drove the car along the track a short distance, stopping by a gumtree. Then he turned and kissed her lightly.
She stared back at him with sorrowful eyes. ‘I can’t believe you’ve moved into town. What happened? Now everyone will start talking.’
‘Can’t be helped. The break with the family was inevitable. I’ve made my choice, Abby.’
‘It needn’t have come to this. I’m not going to marry you … This is just what I was trying to avoid,’ said Abby brokenly.
‘Abby, I love you — I don’t know how else to prove it to you. But this is what I’m going to do. I’m going north to look for work. Then I’ll send for you. We can start afresh, make a new life for ourselves. I swear to you, Abby, we’ll make it work. I want it more than anything.’ He spoke with passion and conviction.
Abby was overcome, close to tears. ‘You love me that much?’
‘I do, I do. Oh Abby.’ He reached over and embraced her. Suddenly Abby felt herself melting, her resolve quavering in the security and warmth of Barney’s arms. Barney sensed it, and relief flooded through him . ‘I’ll send for you just as soon as I can, Ab. You’ll see, everything will work out; we’re meant to be together, no matter what.’
He kissed her and she returned his kiss with passion and surrender, but then she pulled back, brushed the tears from her eyes and drew a deep breath. ‘Barney, you’re being rash, carried away, I don’t know …’
He touched her mouth with a finger, stemming her words. ‘ Yes , we’re being rash and wild and impetuous and all those things, because it’s the only way. The only way we can be together, Abby. And we’ll never regret it. I’ll see you Sunday and say goodbye.’
‘So soon?’
‘The sooner I get work and a place for us, the sooner we can be together. I’ll drive you up to the house.’
‘No, I’ll walk. I enjoy it after sitting in an office all day.’
He kissed her again, hope and love shining in his eyes.
Abby was thoughtful as she went through the homestead gate. She turned at the sound of a horse and lifted a hand in greeting as Shannon rode up. She dismounted and walked beside Abby.
‘Hi, what’s new? I’ve been wanting to talk to you.’ Their steps slowed and Shannon took a deep breath. ‘I’ve heard Barney’s moved into town. That’s pretty sad.’
‘It wasn’t my idea.’
‘No, but it’s a pretty drastic move. His family must be devastated. What’s going on, Abby? I didn’t think it would come to this.’
Abby stopped and studied Shannon.
‘Didn’t think what would come to this?’ She didn’t like Shannon’s accusing tone.
‘Well it’s no secret he’s been seeing you. Naturally we all let him get on with playing around before he settled down.’ Shannon tossed her blonde hair. ‘ But we certainly didn’t think he’d get this carried away and be so stupid.’
Abby went cold and she spoke in a steady voice.
‘It’s his decision. I certainly don’t agree with it either.’
‘Then why has he moved out? I mean it must have been some fight with his family and everyone thinks it must be because of you.’
Abby clenched her fists and decided not to beat about the bush. ‘I’ll tell you the reason, Shannon. Barney asked me to marry him. I said no but he won’t accept that. He spoke to his father, they had a big disagreement and Barney stormed out. He says he’s going north to find work and then he’ll send for me.’
Shannon had listened in increasing shock to this explanation. Quickly she turned the facts around. ‘Oh for goodness’ sake, surely you don’t believe that for one minute! That he’ll send for you. Poor thing, he’s using that as an excuse to get away from you. You must have really frightened him off!’ She gave a mean small laugh. ‘What did you do, tell him you were pregnant?’ It was a throwaway remark, meant to wound Abby. No matter how serious Barney might have thought he was about Abby, he wouldn’t have slept with her.
Abby was obviously hurt. ‘I wasn’t doing the chasing, Shannon. Despite what I feel for him, I don’t want to see him lose his family and Amba, baby or no baby. That’s why I won’t marry him.’
There. It was out in the open. Now Shannon was reeling with hu
rt and shock. ‘What do you mean, baby or no baby, are you … you mean …’ Her gaze fell to Abby’s belly where her hands were protectively crossed. A small smile played at Abby’s mouth.
‘You slut!’ hissed Shannon. ‘All the time pretending to be the good Catholic girl. Well your tricks won’t work. He’ll never marry you. No one will. You and your family’s name will be mud around here, just you wait. When you’re gone, Barney will come crawling back to me, but I won’t take him back. Not now!’ She swung onto her horse and glared down at Abby. ‘I should feel sorry for you, but I don’t.’ She kicked her horse and galloped off, her temper raging and hurt tears stinging her eyes. She knew Barney was lost to her.
It was Sunday and the McBrides were preparing to go to church. Abby asked to be excused, pleading she was feeling unwell. She did feel sick to her stomach, knowing in a short time she would be saying goodbye to Barney. She would make one last attempt to get him to change his mind and give her up and go back to Amba. She brushed her hair, pushing a simple alice band on top of her head. Tying the bow at the back of her skirt she noticed how her waist was thickening and her breasts, now fuller, pushed at the bodice of her pale blue blouse.
After Betsy had headed down the track with the twins waving from the windows, Abby closed the gate and perched on the fence, waiting for Barney’s car. But he surprised her by cantering towards her on his stockhorse. He slid down and gave her a big happy hug. Abby hugged him tightly then pushed him from her. As he looped the reins over the fence she studied him closely, drinking in every feature: the way his hair curled into the nape of his neck, the laugh lines around his eyes, the sprinkle of golden hairs along his arms.
‘So, my darling, I’m all set. It won’t be for long, I promise.’ He smiled reassuringly at her.
