Unconcerned with Roland’s cryptic tone, Nick said, “When will she be back?”
“I don’t know.”
“How could you not know? This is heaven. You have to know, right?” He turned to Mei Lee. “Right?”
“I’m afraid not,” she said. “She’s making her choice as we speak.”
“Her choice?” He shook his head. “What choice? What are you talking about?”
“About whether or not she wants to return to earth.”
“Well, you’re her guide. You have to know if she’ll come back.”
“That’s a decision where I have no say and no foreknowledge.”
He felt part of his existence being torn away from this moment in time. “What’s wrong with you two?”
Mei Lee flinched. “It seems Nina has made her decision.”
Roland said, “And now it’s your turn.”
“I can’t go yet. I just started to believe. I don’t want to go anywhere.” As part of his soul began to separate from the theater, he looked at his brother. “Wait! Harold, don’t leave me.”
“Don’t worry, Nick. I’ll be waiting here for you.”
In a last ditch effort to remain tethered to them, Nick said to Roland, “Don’t let me go.”
Roland grinned. “Ask yourself: did you accomplish what you set out to do?” His expression took on a sympathetic tint. “Trust yourself, Nicholas. You’re a better man than you give yourself credit for.”
A moment later, Nick faded away and reappeared on the cliff that he’d visited some time ago with Nina. He peered over the edge, but this time, he didn’t want to get too close to the edge, and he didn’t know why. This time, unlike when he’d visited with Nina, the sun peaked out from behind clouds, delivering a pinkish hue to the sky.
Sensing a presence somewhere in the vicinity, Nick spun around to face whoever shared this space with him.
A man with thick, long brown hair that rested on his shoulders stood behind him. He had a full but well-manicured beard. Wearing a white shirt under an even whiter robe, he approached Nick with a gentle smile. “Hello, Nick. It’s a pleasure to see you again.”
“No,” Nick said, shocked. “It can’t be.”
The man lifted a hand toward the precipice, and when his palm cleared the end of his sleeve, a spot of crimson colored the middle of his wrist. “It’s a lovely view, isn’t it?”
“You’re…him.”
The man looked to the side, nodding at the insinuation. “I guess I’ve been called worse.”
“You’re…Jesus?”
He smiled.
Nick just stared at him. A thousand thoughts swirled through his head, but he couldn’t snag even one of them. He continued to stare, dumbstruck.
“I get that a lot.”
Nick, shocked to find that Jesus had a sense of humor, broke out laughing. It removed the temporary loss of sensation and inability to take hold of a single thought. “Seeing you isn’t a bad omen, is it?” Just as in grade school, the mind-numbing sensation of getting sent to the principal’s office came over him…if he magnified that feeling by infinity – because other than God, no one could maintain such a magnificent stature as Jesus.
“That’s a cryptic question. And I always thought of myself as a nice guy.”
The grin remained on Nick’s face. “I just meant that…I always figured you’d be more intimidating in person.”
“Why is that?”
“The whole crucifixion-thing for one. I mean taking on all of man’s sins for yourself? And forgiving those who tortured you? You’re stronger than any mere human.”
“Yet I was flesh and blood when I made that choice.”
“How? How could you endure such pain?”
“As evidence.”
“Evidence of what? That you could take a beating?”
“Of God’s love for all.”
“I don’t understand.”
Jesus nodded. “I understand.”
Confused, he took it to mean that Jesus understood why Nick was so confused. So why wouldn’t he explain further? Then Nick realized that perhaps Jesus couldn’t explain it for him; he intended for Nick to figure out the answer on his own. That took his thought pattern in a different direction. “Why am I here?”
“Because I summoned you.”
“For what? I didn’t do anything wrong, did I? I haven’t hurt anyone. I tried to steal something when I was a kid, but…”
“You felt remorse for that act. The Lord has forgiven you.”
That non-judgmental statement made Nick almost lurch forward as though a great weight had fallen from his shoulders, not because attempting to steal had been a burden, but because God had pardoned him. “I’ve treated others…poorly.”
“But you feel remorse for those actions. However, one person didn’t deserve such abuse.”
Nick went through his memory, starting at his earliest memory and moving forward, trying to identify someone he may have wronged without regretting his actions. He’d been tough on his father, and he’d wanted to apologize for neglecting him for all those years, but his dad had vanished before Nick had the chance to say a word to him. “Other than my father, I don’t know who else I’ve wronged. But I’ll trust that you know best.”
“You don’t know?” Jesus asked. Surprise registered on his face.
Based on Jesus’ expression, Nick felt stupid for failing to recognize what must have been an obvious oversight. “No.”
“You’ve hurt yourself. Since your family passed away, you’ve blamed yourself and you’ve limited your chances to give and receive love. Before forgiving others, you must first forgive yourself.”
Nick stared at Jesus, feeling unworthy of his time and his sympathetic words.
“Your family members chose their path – just as you now have an opportunity to choose yours.”
That statement seemed ominous. “What do you mean?” Nick asked, giving him a sideways glance.
“Whether or not you’d like to return to earth. To continue perfecting your soul.”
“But I can’t go back there. There’s too much hate. Too much anger. Too much pain.”
Jesus nodded. “That’s why we refer to it as hell.”
“What? That can’t be possible. Earth isn’t hell. It can’t be.”
“Why not? You’ve just said that it’s full of hate and anger and pain.”
“But good things happen, too. People laugh. They get married. They have children.”
“Yes, love exists on earth. It’s further proof that earth is…hell.”
“But it’s supposed to be under…” He felt foolish for saying that hell existed below the earth’s surface.
“It’s underneath heaven. And since that is our home, those who visit earth generally have no recollection of heaven and only remember that hell is beneath them.”
Nick gave that explanation some consideration.
Jesus approached Nick and curled an arm around his shoulders, walking him toward the edge of the cliff. “If hell were a place of flames and constant torture, how would anyone know that it’s hell? The conditions would never change. It is only when there is love within the darkness that people will have clarity between those two opposites. It allows each person to choose their path: following the Lord…or siding with the devil.”
“So the devil exists?”
“Of course.”
“Does he have horns and a tail?” Hearing those words exit his mouth made Nick realize that he sounded like a seven-year old boy.
“No. And the devil is not one individual.”
“I don’t get it. He’s more than one person?”
“He’s inside you, Nick. Just as God is. They’re both inside you. Each person has the ability to determine right from wrong: to help an elderly lady across the street or to steal money from an unsuspecting victim. Please don’t misunderstand: I’m not saying that there is a devil inside each person. Not at all. I’m only stating that the decisions our souls make determine
which direction we take…do we select God’s path or…”
“What’s to stop someone on earth from doing bad things?”
“Doing so makes it that much more difficult to feel God’s love and to communicate with Him. And those are the two things all of us work towards. Doing so gives us the chance to understand His grand design. It is something we all yearn for.”
“But if we keep going back and forth from heaven to earth, it strips away the power of doing the right thing on earth at any given time. It allows people to act cruel and vicious because they know they can return.”
“Once again, it’s not that simple. On earth, you have no virtually no knowledge of heaven. You know of God and angels and—”
“So there are angels? Why haven’t I seen them?”
“For the same reason you didn’t see everything heaven has to offer: you didn’t believe.”
Nick couldn’t argue that point.
“But those who visit earth do not know that they may one day return. Otherwise, as you’ve said, they may become jaded and abuse the opportunities that our Father has afforded them.”
That explanation answered every question Nick had ever asked about religion and God. After all, if God is perfect, how could He allow murder and war? He couldn’t because it’s not in His nature to feel those negative emotions. And if He hadn’t felt those emotions, how would He know evil when He saw it? Therefore, the brutality on earth is a human concept, not one that God allowed to take place.
“So it appears you have a decision to make,” Jesus said.
“I don’t want to return to earth.” Life there felt too harsh, too painful, too lonely. Who would want to live out that type of existence, especially after having felt so much love in heaven? “I can’t go back.”
“You must have had a good reason to visit. Before this latest incarnation, you only permitted Nina, not yourself, to view your chart. It would have answered many of your questions about the life you’ve led up until this point. So it leads to the question…why? Why would you allow her to examine your chart, but refuse to permit yourself that same luxury?”
Even if he’d granted himself the choice, Nick wouldn’t want to review his chart. And only now did he realize why: all that he’d endured had been of his own design. To discover that he’d purposely set out to experience those trials would have been too much to bear without learning everything he now knew about heaven and its relation to earth. How could he return to earth, knowing that more potentially disastrous events loomed around the corner to tear him to shreds?
“You’ve experienced your share of tragedy,” Jesus said, “but the same could be said of so many others. It’s how you deal with those circumstances that determine how you develop your soul. Each new day, you get a fresh chance to make a new start.”
Nick shook his head.
“What did you want out of life, Nick?”
“What everybody wants – happiness. And I didn’t get it.”
“But how do you define happiness?”
“Having someone to love and share my life with.” Nick shook his head at that corny sentiment, but he wouldn’t deny the truth behind it. “Jesus, I feel like I’m talking to Dr. Phil.” He draped a hand over his eyes, so he wouldn’t have to see Jesus’ expression. “I just used your name in vain.”
“Yes, you have a habit of that.”
“I’m sorry. I have no excuse.”
“No offense taken. But imagine if we were talking with someone named John, and I said, ‘Nick, I’m really tired.’ or ‘Nick, I wish I heard Nina sing.’ I hope that puts things into perspective.”
“It certainly does.” That slight rebuke, along with the comment about Nina’s singing ability, drew Nick’s attention to that latter statement. The power and emotion in Nina’s voice stunned him speechless. Then again, that she looked into his eyes as she delivered that song also had something to do with being so taken aback. He couldn’t help but think that she’d sung the song to him. Or maybe he just wished she’d delivered that song with him in her heart. “She is so talented.”
Jesus smiled. “Deep down, she always suspected as much, but seeing the audience reaction made her believe it.”
“How do you know?”
“Because we just talked.”
“You did? Where did she go?”
“I’m afraid I can’t tell you that.”
“Why not?”
“Her chart ended after that incident on earth. She wrote that event into her life for a reason. Just as you did. Just as both of you allowed each other to view your charts, but wouldn’t allow yourselves to see your own. So I ask you again, why do you suppose that is?”
Nick once more recalled the moment Nina sang on stage and how her spirit penetrated his soul. Now, he knew the answer to Jesus’ question. “It’s a matter of faith.” He lowered his head, trying to voice what his soul told him. “I felt something with her that I don’t understand. It’s a closeness. A past and a future. I feel like I’ve known her forever, but also that I just met her. I can’t explain why I feel this way. It just…is”
Jesus’ smile grew brighter.
“What does it mean?”
“I can’t explain that for you.” He approached the brink of the cliff. “Please join me.”
Nick took his time then came up beside Jesus. “What now?”
“You decide whether you wish to remain here or return to earth.”
“But I already told you, I don’t want to go. I don’t want to feel all of that pain.”
“Sometimes you need to feel the pain so you recognize happiness when it comes your way.”
Nick couldn’t refute the wisdom behind that statement. Somehow, he understood that jumping from the cliff, this time, would return him to earth, whereas if he turned away, he would remain in heaven.
And that realization made him understand why people referred to Nina as Roxy. She feared this cliff just as she’d feared singing on stage. It meant that, since she feared jumping from this cliff, she’d never before returned to earth, whenever her life hung in the balance, compared to other instances where she detailed how long any given incarnation should last. That relationship told Nick that Nina feared taking risks. And based on his own experiences on earth, he’d suffered quite a bit, resulting in a tremendous fear of loss, which explained why he kept others at a distance.
A similar fear clarified why Nina felt such pressure on stage; she loved singing so much that she couldn’t live with the idea of failing. Yet she continued to try; just as she continued to return to earth. And if he didn’t do the same, he would view this latest incarnation on earth as a failure. Then all of the pain he’d endured would have been for naught. Since both he and Nina tried to avoid their greatest fears, they both understood what they might lose if they stopped trying to conquer their trepidation, not to mention all of the joy they might experience if they successfully defeated those fears.
Now that he knew this wasn’t a dream, Nick wondered what life would be like to have Nina in his life…on earth. Sure, he’d contemplated this before, but only within the context of a dream. And since he presumed that he’d molded any given situation with Nina, he now realized that she actually enjoyed his company, and that he hadn’t simply willed her to like him. That awareness set off a level of excitement inside of him that he hadn’t felt in a long time: the prospect of better days ahead.
But that possibility hinged on whether or not Nina had decided to return to earth.
It illustrated why Jesus referred to his decision as a leap of faith. Nick had to weigh the percentage chance that Nina would once more settle into life on earth. But how could he know or even guess? He hadn’t known her long enough to predict what she might do. Then a buried part of his mind suggested that Nina’s decision, whatever she may have chosen, shouldn’t affect his decision.
In the past, he had shied away from making decisions that could end in heartbreak. And where had that gotten him? He’d avoided sorrow, but living this way h
ad also stripped away the possibility of happiness. And if he’d made the conscious decision to return to earth, he had to do what Roland recommended: Nick needed to trust himself. Since he spent so much time doing his best to avoid sadness, he obviously hadn’t selected to incarnate again to feel pain. Therefore, he must have chosen this path for an altogether different reason.
“Take all the time you need,” Jesus said in a patient tone.
Something about that comment lit a fuse through Nick like no other had. He didn’t want to weigh the pros and cons. He wanted to try living life in a different fashion. He wanted to see what would happen if he opened his heart and mind to whatever possibilities awaited him. He wanted to take a risk.
“I don’t need any more time,” Nick said with a newfound certainty in his voice. “Let’s do this.”
Jesus revealed a wide smile. He opened his arms.
“No,” Nick said, hoping Jesus wouldn’t take offense. “I want to earn your respect. I haven’t done that yet. But I’m going to start trying…right now.” Then he leaped off the cliff.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
With a pounding headache and a chest wracked with pain, Nick came to by letting out a heap of air. He blinked a number of times, trying to discover his whereabouts. His eyes settled on dark brown hair. He lowered his gaze and saw a pair of shoulders. Now he understood why his chest hurt; the woman he protected like a shield had an elbow jammed into his sternum.
Nick tipped his body to the right, removing the elbow from his stomach and allowing him to catch his breath. His back thumped to the concrete, and he looked up to find that a truck had come to a stop and covered every inch of his shoulders on down to his feet.
His neck and head, however, peeked out from under the undercarriage of the truck, allowing him to look at a much more overcast sky than he expected to see, although he couldn’t explain why it should look any brighter than it had been only moments ago. But that depended on how long he’d been knocked out.
He didn’t need someone to refresh his memory: he knew exactly how he’d gotten hit by the truck. And even if the woman he’d tried to protect suffered serious complications from the accident, he wouldn’t regret putting his life on the line to try and save her life. In fact, when he’d seen Nina walking down the sidewalk toward the street, he hadn’t even thought twice before running over to help. He just considered it his duty, although he couldn’t say what had convinced him to follow that line of logic.
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