‘Until what?’ Carol whispered, dreading what she was about to hear.
‘I got pregnant,’ Nancy said hoarsely.
Carol’s hand slipped off her mother’s. It felt suddenly cold. ‘It was with me, wasn’t it?’ she said.
Nancy nodded. Carol’s heart knocked like a punchbag against her ribs.
‘But this man,’ Carol said in disbelief, ‘are you telling me he’s me real father?’
‘Yes, I am,’ Nancy said in a quavering voice. ‘Sometimes I tried to tell myself that Ben must be your father but as you grew up, I could tell he wasn’t. I just had to look at you to know - those green eyes!’
Carol’s pulse was racing painfully. This was too much of a shock on the same day as the funeral. Why was her mother telling her this now?
‘Who was he?’ It was Mick who suddenly spoke, asking the question that Carol could not bring herself to ask. Something about his tone made Carol think he had already guessed.
Nancy turned and looked at Mick directly for the first time since their meeting. ‘Carol’s real father was Eddy - your Uncle Eddy,’ she whispered.
Carol looked from Mick to her mother, horrified. ‘Don’t tell me this now,’ she gasped. ‘Not now!’ She felt Mick’s arm go round her shoulders.
‘I’m so sorry, Carol,’ Nancy whimpered. ‘You should have been told before, you had a right to know, but I never had the guts to tell you. And I made Eddy swear he would never tell you either. I think that’s why he went away down to the Midlands to work after you and Mick married because he thought living so close to you he might give the secret away. I messed up his life for him and now he’s dead and it’s too late to make amends!’ Nancy broke down and wept.
Carol was shaking. She felt such a clash of emotions: disbelief, anger at her mother and Eddy for their secrecy, remorse that she could never hug Eddy and call him her dad. It felt like being lost in a maze - she needed to know so much more.
Gripping Mick’s warm hand, she demanded, ‘What happened when you found out about me? What did Eddy say? And what about Dad? You have to tell me, Mother!’
Nancy forced herself to stop crying and speak again. ‘Eddy wanted me to go away with him. He said he’d get a job out of the area. They were beginning to close a lot of the old pits in Durham then and plenty of men were going down to Yorkshire and further south to work. He wanted us to go - start again with the new baby. Said he’d love to bring up the other two kids as well if I’d just give him the chance. He was very fond of Fay and little Simon ...’
Carol saw her mother’s face contort in pain.
‘I panicked,’ Nancy shuddered. ‘I was too frightened of the unknown with Eddy, of losing the security Ben gave me and the children. I knew Eddy could never give me the material things Ben could.’ She looked at her daughter in shame. ‘I loved your father - your real father. But never in a thousand years would I have had the courage to run away with him. Not like you. You had the courage to go with Mick - you were so like Eddy, you’d risk everything for the things you really wanted, things you believed in. He was like that in those days. But I wouldn’t go with him. I told him he was never to come near me again.’ Tears spilled down her cheeks as she faced the truth at last. ‘I thought I was saving my marriage, my future happiness. But all I did was run away from the only man I could have been happy with. I ruined his life and then I ruined my own!’
Nancy sat and sobbed. Carol wanted to touch her but could not. She knew her mother had been brave finally to tell her the truth that had tortured her all these years. Yet she felt so bitter that her own mother had kept these secrets from her. All her life she had struggled to be someone she was not, to please her parents. She thought of all the times she had been the focus of her parents’ anger and disappointment and for the first time she saw why. She was a constant reminder to them both of Nancy’s betrayal and frailty. And Ben Shannon had to bring up a daughter who was really a Todd. No wonder he had resented her!
Now she understood why he had always favoured the other two above her. He must have known.
‘Did Mr Shannon not guess what was going on?’ Mick asked quietly. Carol knew he was deeply embarrassed by her mother’s confessions, but he was asking for her sake, so that she would know all there was to know.
Nancy nodded. ‘I’m sure he knew,’ she whispered. ‘I think he was the only one who guessed. But nothing was ever said. He never asked me outright, and I never confessed. But after you were born, things were never the same between us again. It’s been an empty marriage - one of convenience to us both, I suppose.’ She sounded so sad, so utterly empty.
Carol spoke fiercely with tears in her eyes. ‘You could have left him. Why didn’t you go with Eddy later, when you saw your marriage was a sham? It was my life you were ruining too. You could’ve done it for my sake!’
Nancy sniffed. ‘I know, Carol. I know you’ve suffered because of what I did. I’ve hated myself at times for the way I’ve taken my guilt out on you. But it seemed too late to go off with Eddy afterwards. I thought the best thing for all three children was to stay with your fath— with Ben. And I had hurt Eddy so much already. He started courting Lesley Paxton and I thought he was happy. I expected them to marry, but they never did. I never realised until Fay’s wedding just how deeply it had scarred him. He came to the house the day before to give her a present, but I sent him away. Well, imagine the questions that would’ve been asked. And Fay would never have wanted ...’
She stopped, seeing the look on their faces. Carol knew how Fay would have ridiculed such a gift. Her mother had made sure her eldest had turned into a social snob who would never make the mistakes she had. But poor Eddy, rebuffed once more. And the night of the wedding he had fallen - or thrown himself? - into Colly’s Leap. She shuddered.
She had to ask. ‘If you had your time again, would you have gone with Eddy?’
Nancy swivelled to look her daughter in the eye. ‘Yes,’ she croaked. ‘It’s my biggest regret. That, and never being able to tell Eddy again that I loved him, truly did love him . . .’ She broke off.
Carol reached out at last and put her arms round her mother. Maybe one day she might forgive her for the wrong she had done, but at this moment all she saw was a grief-stricken, lonely, ageing woman who needed to be comforted. And she was the only one who could give her the comfort she sought.
They held each other and cried for their common loss. Carol was filled with unbearable sorrow that she would never be able to talk about these things with her real father. She had known Eddy as a kind, loving uncle and loyal, humorous friend. But how much more she would have liked to know him! Carol grieved. How cruel to have had this father taken from her before she even knew him as such.
Mick left them together, saying he would go and collect Laura. They must have stayed there another hour, talking and weeping and being silent while they struggled to sort out their feelings. They walked to Eddy’s freshly dug grave, covered in floral tributes, and stood together as mother and daughter, united in understanding for the first time in Carol’s life. Finally, when they heard someone come to lock the gates, they left.
Nancy stood by her car. ‘Will you be all right?’ she asked, unsure.
Carol gave a tearful smile. ‘I was going to ask you the same.’
‘We’ve found a house in Durham,’ Nancy told her. ‘We’re moving out next week.’ She looked worried. ‘What will you and Mick do? Ben and I could help you out. I’d like to do something, help you get away . . .’
Carol shook her head. There’s no need. Eddy’s left us his redundancy money. It’s enough to give us a new start.’
Nancy stifled a sob and got quickly into the car, muttering an incoherent goodbye.
‘I’ll come and see you before you leave,’ Carol promised, ‘and bring Laura.’
‘Thank you,’ Nancy mouthed, tears running in rivulets through her make-up. And then she was gone.
That night Carol lay awake for a long time in Mick’s arms as they talked throu
gh the implications of Nancy’s startling revelations.
‘We’re cousins,’ Mick laughed in disbelief. ‘By, Eddy was a dark horse!’
‘So I’ve been a Todd all along,’ Carol mused. ‘I’ve never been a real Shannon at all.’
‘Well, give old man Shannon some credit for bringing you up.’ Mick was generous. ‘You did live with him as his daughter for nineteen years.’
‘Aye, I did,’ Carol admitted. ‘And I’ll always think of him as me dad, I suppose. But it makes it easier to understand him, knowing about Eddy. He must have been very unhappy too.’ Before they went to sleep, Carol added, ‘Perhaps I’ll go and talk to him, before he leaves. Put things right between us before it’s too late.’
Mick did not try to dissuade her.
Two weeks later, Mick and Carol took Laura up to the high field above the allotments to get a view of the demolition of the pit. It was an eerie sight. The squat buildings of the pithead had already been bulldozed; equipment and furniture lay scattered among the debris of bricks and rubble, like flotsam from a shipwreck. There appeared to be no attempt to salvage anything.
Charlie had told them that millions of pounds worth of equipment and miles of copper wire had been left abandoned down the pit, never to be used again. It seemed such a terrible waste. All that remained above ground would be hurled down the shaft too in the haste to clear the site of any remaining trace of Brassbank pit.
‘Other pits are just left to crumble,’ Mick commented sadly, ‘but they can’t get rid of this one quick enough. It’s like they can’t bear the sight of it.’
Carol looked at the forlorn, windswept yard which had been such a hive of activity for as long as she could remember. Soon it would be a black, pockmarked plain like any other derelict industrial wasteland. Nothing would mark it out as the site of one of County Durham’s largest pits, which had produced coal for the nation since 1887. Next year they should have been celebrating its centenary; instead there would be only commemorations and fading memories.
‘It reminds them too much of how the miners stood up for themselves, that’s why,’ Carol said with emotion. ‘I’m going to miss it all so much.’
It was the familiar noises that she would miss the most: the rhythmic hum of machinery in the distance, the clank and throb of the pithead and the clatter of coal trucks, the to and fro of boots down the back lane. And she would miss the bustle around the shops, the family bus trips, the socials, the routines, the neighbourliness. The silence would be such an empty silence.
Laura scampered off to play with the children of other watchers. They all awaited the blowing up of the pithead.
Mick’s face looked bleak. ‘We could leave. There’s nothing here to keep us now. I’ll go anywhere if it’ll make you and the bairn happy.’
Carol looked at him tenderly, searching his handsome face.
‘Or we could stay and try and help Brassbank survive,’ she suggested quietly, ‘take our house off the market. The landscape garden business you’ve talked about - you could start it here, maybe employ a couple of the other lads in time.’
His eyes lit at the idea. But he was doubtful. ‘What about the business side of it?’
‘I’ll do the book-keeping. I could go to night classes. By heck, I handled thousands of pounds during the strike and balanced our books,’ Carol pointed out proudly. ‘And maybe I’ll get involved in local politics too.’
‘Is that what you’d really like to do?’ Mick asked, excitement in his voice.
‘It’s what you’d love to do, isn’t it?’ Carol countered.
‘Aye, but it’s got to be for the both of us. It’s your father’s money, remember?’
Carol felt her eyes sting at the thought of Eddy’s generosity. She spoke with quiet conviction. ‘I want us to try and make something of our lives here in Brass-bank. It’s still our home. Some don’t care if it dies; we’re just numbers on a balance sheet. But I care about Brassbank and all our friends here - our family.’
Mick smiled. ‘Aye, I know you care. But Mam and Dad would understand if we decided to go.’
Carol’s heart beat faster. Perhaps this was the time. She took his large rough hands in hers and pulled him away, out of earshot of the others.
‘It’s not just your mam and dad,’ Carol said quietly, ‘it’s our own family I’m talking about. Laura - and the bairn I’m carrying.’
Mick gave her a quizzical look, then gripped her hands hard. ‘What did you say?’
‘I think I’m pregnant, Mick,’ Carol smiled. ‘It’s not confirmed, but I can tell by the way I’m feeling sick at the smell of things and everything tasting of metal. I know I am.’
Mick hugged her close and kissed her head. ‘Oh, pet, I’m that pleased. I’m bloody pleased!’
Carol laughed. ‘I knew you would be. But it’s early days so let’s keep it to ourselves, eh?’
‘By, that’ll be hard,’ Mick groaned and kissed her, not caring if those standing nearby saw him.
Suddenly someone shouted and they turned to stare at the sight below. The gasps of the people were drowned by a muffled boom that shook the ground beneath them, and before their eyes the mighty headgear of the pit toppled and crashed as if in slow motion. The death-noise filled their ears and then the scene disappeared in billowing clouds of black smoke and grey dust.
Carol clung to Mick in awe. It was done. Brassbank’s heart had received its mortal blow. There was no way back to the old way of life. Ahead lay the future as blank and frightening as the devastated land below them.
‘Oh, Mick,’ she whispered, the tears streaming down her face at the tragedy. ‘I’m so glad I’ve got you.’
‘You’ll always have me, Carol, always!’ he promised. And she heard the tears in his voice too.
As the smoke cleared and the debris settled, Laura came running back.
‘Mam! Dad! Look, it’s gone. The pit’s gone!’ She was wide-eyed, excited by the explosion, yet frightened by what it meant. Carol tried not to show that she was frightened too.
‘What do we do now?’ Laura asked.
Carol could see that Mick was too gutted to speak. She put out her arms and pulled Laura into their joint embrace. Wiping the tears brusquely from her face, she summoned a smile for her daughter.
‘We go home,’ Carol answered. ‘That’s what we do now.’
NEVER STAND ALONE is the final novel in the Durham Mining Trilogy which began with THE HUNGRY HILLS and THE DARKENING SKIES. Set against the vibrant backdrop of Whitton Grange, the earlier novels portray the momentous times of 1920s Britain and the drama of the Second World War.
Praise for THE HUNGRY HILLS and THE DARKENING SKIES:
‘I read The Hungry Hills with pleasure...Not only a good read but a vivid picture of the coalfield. You’ll believe you are there.’
Denise Robertson
‘Truly a novel for saga lovers ... weaving together the lives of her many characters with compassion, skill and affection.’
Northern Echo
‘My children are unfed, the clothes unwashed, ironing undone ... This is a wonderful book …if you don’t mind loosing sleep as you read by torchlight into the night, do get this book.’
The Miscarriage Association
‘A moving and well written tale, The Darkening Skies continues the story of the people who live in the fictitious mining community of Whitton Grange.’
Newcastle Journal
‘I have just finished reading the fantastic novel ‘The Darkening Skies’ and I must say that I found your novel impossible to put down. You have written a story about prejudice, hatred and passion and you’ve managed to make me chuckle as well as shed a tear. You clearly are one of the genre’s best writers. I hope that you keep producing more great books.’
J.D.B. - Malta.
* * *
If you have enjoyed The Durham Trilogy, you might like to read THE JARROW TRILOGY – powerful and uplifting novels spanning the late 19th century and the turbulent years of the 20th,
with three wonderful heroines.
THE JARROW LASS: Brought up on her parents’ smallholding in Jarrow in the harsh years of the 1870s, Rose dreams of a world beyond the grime of the town, a world glimpsed at a fairytale wedding at Ravensworth as a child. Capturing the heart of steelworker William a better life is in reach. But tragedy strikes and Rose must save her young family from destitution.
‘This is a powerful and compelling saga’
Bolton Evening News
‘A passionate and dramatic story that definitely warrants a box of tissues by the bedside’
Worcester Evening News
A CHILD OF JARROW: To escape her possessive and drunken step-father, Kate is sent away from teaming Jarrow to work on the Ravensworth Estate. She is soon attracting the attention of charming, headstrong Alexander and dares to dream of a future with him. But when Kate discovers herself pregnant and alone she must return to face the wrath of her step-father.
‘The Jarrow Lass was inspired by Catherine Cookson’s grandmother. This follows into the next generation, with Cookson’s mother and the childhood of the great novelist herself. It is a winner.’
The Bookseller.
‘Brings early 20th century Jarrow vividly to life. A smashing read.’
Lancashire Evening Post
RETURN TO JARROW: Rebellious Catherine (Kitty) McMullen is resentful of her new step-father and yearns to escape impoverished Jarrow. She determines to rise above her wretched surroundings by educating herself. Soon ill-educated and streetwise Kitty is a ghost of the past, and the well-spoken Catherine leaves the north-east to follow her dreams. But she encounters hardship and heartbreak on the road to self discovery.
Durham Trilogy 03. Never Stand Alone Page 43
