If her eyes were soft, her voice was velvet. Her head was turned toward him, leaning against the canvas back of the camping chair. A vulnerable spot in him didn’t want to disabuse her of that notion. But he was already feeling too warm toward Natalie. Although she’d given him no indication she was interested in him, knowing the truth about him might keep a nice, safe distance between them.
He looked away from her toward the pedestrians who strolled past on the sidewalk. “We were going home from church. I was driving, and we were having an—a disagreement. I wasn’t paying attention at all, and I didn’t see the red light. A truck hit on her side of the car. She was gone that quick.”
“I’m so sorry. I think I remember when it happened. Seeing it on the news.”
He propped his ankle on his knee, more for something to do than for comfort.
“But it was an accident, Kyle. Nothing more.”
“It was my fault. I was responsible for keeping her safe. I was driving.”
“That’s not murder, though.”
He looked at her then, his gut in a knot. “What differentiates an accident from murder? Intent? No, I didn’t intend to be negligent. But a careless motorist who crashes into another car is charged with reckless homicide when someone in the other vehicle dies. So, what’s the difference in this case? My wife is dead because I was reckless.”
“If you were guilty of such a thing, you’d be in jail.”
He’d wished he were many times. Maybe it would soothe his guilt.
“Your wife’s family has held this against you all this time?”
“Do you blame them? I’m responsible for Ed’s daughters death. And Linn’s only sister.”
“You shouldn’t accept that. You should defend yourself. It was an accident.”
He felt a longing to believe her words. A longing to exonerate himself. But it didn’t wash. “It’s only an accident when there’s no one at fault.”
Her brows knotted thoughtfully. He looked away before he lost himself in her eyes. He felt vulnerable, and he didn’t like it. She made him feel things he didn’t want to feel. He felt her hand on his arm and turned toward her again.
“I’ll be praying that you forgive yourself.”
Her words took him aback. Is that what he needed to do? He’d never thought of it that way. He’d always figured this was the bitter pill he’d live with. Some things could never be undone. Maybe he should forgive himself, but it was hard when others still held him responsible for Jilly’s death. He’d never forget the scene at the hospital where they’d taken Jilly after the accident. Her heart had stopped beating in the ambulance, but they’d tried to revive her at St. Johns.
Ed and Linn had come after it was too late. They’d overheard the details as he was telling the officer, but they’d gotten one important fact wrong. He hadn’t had the heart to correct them, and even to this day, they believed a lie.
“Think it’s cleared out enough to head out?” Natalie’s voice pulled him back to the present.
He looked around, noticing for the first time that the lawn and porch had cleared. “Sure. I’m parked on Milward. Not too far.” They stood up and grabbed their things. He reached out and took her chair for her, and they began walking.
“Tell me how the center is going,” he said.
She pulled her purse up on her shoulder. “Better. No more vandalism.”
“That has to be a relief. It must be difficult to work so hard for a cause you believe in just to have people harass you for it. I guess it’s true we can’t change the world.”
“Maybe not the world, but we can change lives one person at a time.”
He used to believe that. He remembered when his work was fulfilling. When he’d place a child with a family and think God had used him to change their lives for the better. Now it just seemed like a job. A job that he’d allowed to pull him from his wife, the one person who should have been first on his priority list. He’d failed her and failed the baby she carried, and what was more important in his world than that?
When they reached his car, he helped her in and asked for directions to her home. It was only moments later that they were turning from the flat of the valley up the steep hill of Rodeo Drive. She instructed him to turn into the drive of a large home that was dark except for one porch light.
“Well,” she said, gathering her things, “thanks for the ride. And for sharing the fireworks with me.”
The last she said with a smile that wrapped its way around his heart. “Anytime.” He started to add a little quip about getting lost in a crowd but decided against it. “If you need any advice about the adoption, feel free to call me.” Shut up already, Keaton.
“Thanks, I might just do that.” With a little wave, she shut the door.
He watched her until she made it inside the house and wondered if she hadn’t made her way inside his heart just a little.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
Paula walked around Betty’s dog and slipped into the Shady Nook Cafe, snagging a table in the corner.
“Hi, Paula, haven’t seen you in a while,” Betty said as she passed the table with a tray balanced on one hand. The owner was likely to be seen doing any of the jobs necessary at the Shady Nook.
“Hi, Betty.” Paula settled into the wooden chair and picked up the menu. Though she’d come here enough to have the menu memorized, the cafe was not a place she hung out often. Paulas tastes ran more to eclectic than country bumpkin. Still, she browsed the selection and settled on potato soup and a side salad.
When the door opened, she glanced up, but it was only a couple of tourists. She sighed and sipped from the water glass Betty had set on the table. She wasn’t here to eat anyway, she realized. She’d been hoping Natalie would come in while she was here. Which was silly, when she could just call her sister and invite her over.
Why hadn’t she just done that? She needed to talk to someone. Heaven knew there had been no conversation in her own home over the past week, what with David skulking around like an injured bear. What a joke that was. She should be the raging lunatic in the house. What he was accusing her of was inexcusable.
“Decide what you want?” Betty flipped open her order pad, pen poised expectantly over the paper.
Paula had just finished ordering her food when Natalie slipped into the chair opposite her. “Saving this for someone?”
Paula wondered if the relief showed on her face. “It’s all yours.”
Natalie slung her big, floppy purse over the chair back. “Man, what a day.”
“Busy?” Paula wondered how the little Hope Center could possible be as busy as that. If Natalie ever spent a day at the station, she’d see what busy was.
“Just the usual flow of clients, but I’ve been training volunteers and trying to do more research on adoption in my spare time.”
The adoption. How could Paula have forgotten? First a baby just falls into Natalie’s lap, and then Hanna turns up pregnant. Meanwhile, Paula can’t conceive, and her husband accuses her of having affairs. Film at eleven.
“How are things at the station?” Natalie poured herself a glass of water from the pitcher on the table.
“Fine.” Should she tell Natalie about the job opportunity? Why not? “Actually, it’s going very well. Donald has sent my tape in to our affiliate in Chicago. He thinks I might have a shot at the job.”
The smile on Natalie’s face was all genuine. “Paula, that’s so awesome! When will you hear?”
“Well, he only sent it in this week, so it’ll be awhile yet. And it’s only a temporary position, but there’s potential for something permanent.”
“You must be so excited. David, too. I know how hard you’ve worked for this.”
Betty brought Paula her soup and set it down in front of her. Paula was glad for the diversion and sipped the soup from a spoon while Natalie ordered.
Hadn’t she wanted to talk to Natalie? Why did she suddenly want to clam up the minute David’s name was mentioned? Maybe beca
use Natalie always seemed to have it together. She had a calmness about her that Paula envied. Natalie was so solid, even through the divorce and Keiths incarceration and money worries. Paula had the marriage and money, but all the money in the world couldn’t give her the peace she wanted. Besides, things weren’t always as wonderful as they appeared to be.
“So, how does David feel about the possibility of leaving Jackson?”
If Paula thought she was going to avoid the subject of David, she guessed wrong. She set down her spoon and shrugged. Truthfully, she hadn’t a clue how David felt about leaving, since he hadn’t said a word about her job opportunity. Was too caught up in his imaginary world of accusation.
“I think we’re going to wait and see if I get an offer before we make any decisions,” Paula said.
“He’s built a name here as a realtor. I imagine he’d have mixed feelings about leaving that.”
“Sure, but what a market Chicago would be. David always was more of a city person.”
Natalie smiled. “And you. You always said you couldn’t wait to get out of this hole.”
Paula couldn’t remember a time when she wasn’t longing to escape the small-town atmosphere of Jackson. What others saw as quaint just seemed stifling to her. The buttes around the town had always felt like big prison walls holding her in. It was a wonder she’d stayed this long.
“Wouldn’t you miss it, though?” Natalie said. “The mountains, the skiing, the way you can’t go to the grocery without running into people you know?”
“I could live without it quite nicely, thank you very much. Especially when I’d have theater, shopping, and fine dining minutes away.”
Natalie laughed and shook her head.
Sometimes Paula wondered how the same parents had sired both of them. Hanna and Natalie were cut from the same cloth in many ways and very like their mother. Paula had always been the odd one out.
She finished her soup and pushed the bowl back. “So, Mom said you watched the fireworks with a male friend. Anything a nosy sister should know?” A quick study of Natalie’s face showed a tinge of pink rising to her cheeks.
She tried for a nonchalant shrug but didn’t quite pull it off. “I ran into Kyle Keaton by chance. We watched the fireworks, and he offered me a ride home. No big deal.”
“I can see it was no big deal by the blush on your cheeks.”
“I’m not blushing.”
“OK.” Paula sipped her water.
“Would you stop it? He’s just a friend. I probably won’t even see him anymore.”
“In Jackson? You can hardly avoid it.”
“You know what I mean.”
“So, who’s going to do your adoption? I assumed you’d use him as your attorney.” Paula saw shutters go up over Natalie’s eyes and wondered at it.
“I’ll probably use another one.”
“Good luck finding someone else. He’s the only one in Jackson trained for adoptions.”
“How do you know that?”
“From the research for that piece I did for the news a couple months ago.”
“Are you sure? I guess I should have looked into this already.”
Betty came and set her salad down in front of her. Natalie pulled her chicken salad plate close and bowed her head for a silent prayer.
“So, what’s the big deal?” Paula asked when Natalie had finished. “Why not just use Kyle?” Something was on her sister’s mind. She could tell by the knot between her brow. If she didn’t stop making that face, she’d be a Botox candidate in two years.
“There’s kind of a conflict of interest.”
Paula stabbed her lettuce with her fork and dipped it in the Thousand Island. “What do you mean?”
Natalie wiped her mouth with the paper napkin. “Kyle knows this client. It just wouldn’t be a good idea.”
“That shouldn’t matter. It’s a small town. It’s not like the adoption can be kept secret.”
“I’m not trying to keep it a secret exactly. There’s just bad blood between my client and Kyle. There’s no way she’ll agree to using him.”
“Well, you don’t want to drive all the way to Casper, do you?”
“Casper? Surely there’s one closer.”
“Not that I could find.”
The change in her sister’s countenance could only be described as a deflating balloon. “I can’t drive over four hours for these appointments. What will I do with the boys?”
Paula wiped her mouth. “You should use Kyle.” She could only guess what the problem was between Kyle and Natalie’s client, but she figured it must be a doozy to make Natalie’s spirits droop so much.
They ate a few minutes in silence before Natalie spoke again. “So, how’s David doing these days? I didn’t get to talk with him much at Mom and Dad’s over the Fourth.”
How was David doing? She should know, shouldn’t she? But it was hard keeping tabs on him when he was hardly home. And she was lucky if he even spoke to her when he was home. “Business is good. He’s got another wealthy business owner from out of state wanting to buy a bunch of land to put a mansion on. Good old Wyoming. A tax shelter for the wealthy.”
She’d sidestepped Natalie’s question a bit, but if her sister noticed, she didn’t persist. Why was it so hard to admit there was a problem between her and David? And if she wouldn’t admit it to Natalie, who would she ever be able to talk to about it? She supposed she could talk to a professional, but who had time for that?
She was growing weary of the silent stones being thrown her way. It was so unfair. How could David think it of her? She wasn’t the one who needed help; he was. Maybe she should make an appointment for him with a psychologist. She smothered a laugh. That would stir up some conversation between them.
David, I’ve arranged for you to get some professional help for your demented delusions. Perhaps you can come to grips with your need for hurling insulting accusations my way.
Yeah, that would go over. Why was everything in her life turning to dust? Suddenly her fixation with conceiving had totally taken a backseat in light of David’s cruelty. She’d had her appointment with a fertility specialist, and everything looked fine with her health so far. The news had given her relief, but had been overshadowed by David’s accusation. How would David ever come to believe her when she couldn’t prove the truth? And how would she ever get over his lack of faith in her?
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Linn flipped the TV channel to a sitcom and leaned back against the tattered plaid couch. In front of her, her stomach pooched under her unbuttoned jeans. She pulled her shirt down over her belly. She had yet to visit the doctor, though she knew she needed to. But she needed her dad’s insurance card for that.
She had to tell her dad. She’d already wasted two weeks waiting for the right moment. When was she going to realize there would never be a right moment? Her dad would yell and scream and tell her she was just what he’d always thought she was. She was living up to everything he’d ever told her. Proved that Jillian was the good daughter and Linn was the bad. And somehow the fact that she was still here while Jillian was gone was all her fault.
Why did her dad blame her for that? It was Kyle’s fault, not hers. Sometimes she wished it had been her in that crash instead of her sister. Maybe then her dad would be happy.
Her eyes burned, and she pressed her fingers against them. Stupid hormones. She used to hardly ever cry, and now she couldn’t seem to stop. She felt like a big baby. Just yesterday she’d nearly cried when a customer had a fit over his cold barbecue chicken. Like that had been her fault.
She heard her dad’s junky Oldsmobile pulling into the gravel drive and tensed. The headlights shone against the white wall above the TV, then went off. She had to tell him tonight. She knew he would be sober because he’d gotten off work only ten minutes ago. He hadn’t had time to stop at Sidewinders and get drunk. No, he was saving that for home. But she would tell him before he got plastered.
Maybe he would sur
prise her. Natalie had said most parents react better than her clients think they will. She’d said nearly every girl thinks her parents would have a conniption, but they rarely do. She’d said to expect shock and maybe hurt before her dad came around and became rational. She’d offered to come with her, but Linn had thought that was a bad idea. It would be humiliating enough to tell her dad without an audience.
The front door creaked open and clicked shut. Her dad walked past her to the kitchen. Linn’s breath froze in her body even while her heart set an all-time record for its speed. Her dad came back into the living room and grabbed the remote control off the table before sinking into the recliner. She could see him out of her peripheral vision take a swig from the beer bottle.
He turned the channel, surfing through twice before settling on PrimeTime. Linn scarcely noticed the segment about shady jewelry businesses. She was too caught up trying to think of the right way to say what she had to say.
Maybe she shouldn’t tell him tonight at all. Had he had a bad day at work? She turned her head just enough to look at him over the end table and around the lamp. It was hard to tell. His weathered face looked blank. He hadn’t said anything yet, but maybe that was good. From the moment he walked in the door, he usually griped about the messy house or the dishes in the sink. But she’d been careful to take care of all that today, since she’d had the day off work.
Should she tell him now or should she wait?
Wait for what? What was going to get better? She needed a doctor’s appointment, and he was going to notice her belly soon anyway. She pulled the couch pillow over and hugged it to her stomach. She was just procrastinating, that’s all she was doing. She had to grow up and be responsible about what had happened. Maybe he would even like the idea of having a grandchild. Even if she wasn’t keeping the baby. She clung to the thought as she opened her mouth.
“Have a good day?” She cringed as the words tumbled out. What a stupid thing to say. She’d never asked him that in her life. She felt more than saw him toss her a glance.
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