Her heart catching, Natalie turned the page. The first entry was dated July 28.
Dear Baby,
I’ve decided to write you letters so you will have something of mine when you grow up. I want you to know how much I love you. Hopefully, when you finish reading this you will know that I am doing what is best for you.
Love, Mom
Natalie felt a lump clog her throat at Linn’s words. She truly did love the baby. She wouldn’t have had an abortion, would she? She turned to the next page, dated August 3. Before reading it, she fanned through the rest of the journal and saw there were no more entries. Her heart sunk a little, and she wondered why.
Because the entries ended when you kicked her out.
She flipped back to the second entry and began reading.
Dear Baby,
We are so lucky. There has already been so much that has happened that I want to tell you about. I have found a wonderful mommy for you. She has two boys, and she is going to love you so much. I know you already know her now. But maybe you’re a teenager like me, and you’re fighting with her all the time about your friends and grades and stuff.
I want to tell you what I know about your mommy. She has been beside me since the beginning of my pregnancy. When there was no one else who cared, she took care of me, talked to me, listened to me. And when I had no place to go, she asked me to live with her for a while. (That’s where I am right now.)
I still don’t know why she’s done all this for me. She says she cares about people because we are all God’s children. She cares about us so much that she’s going to adopt you. I don’t understand it, but I want you to grow up with a mommy like her.
Natalie blinked away the tears that stung her eyes. Linn had so much respect for her. And she didn’t deserve it.
Natalie had felt as if Linn had played her for a fool, tricking her into adopting her ex-husband’s baby. But this entry didn’t sound that way at all. Was it possible Linn was just desperate, that she’d kept quiet about her and Keith because she was scared of losing a mommy for her baby?
Linn’s words from that awful night of discovery replayed in her mind.
“I was afraid to tell you. I didn’t mean for this to happen this way.”
Natalie’s eyes went back to the page. She found her place and began reading again.
So, even though it is breaking my heart to think of losing you, I know I am doing what’s best for you. I want you to have the loving family I never had, and I know your mommy will give that to you.
Love, Mom
Natalie closed the book, her eyes starting to overflow now. She couldn’t begin to describe the emotions she was feeling. But she couldn’t deny the one that was surfacing fastest. Guilt.
Sure, Linn had done an awful thing. Two awful things. She’d stolen her husband, and she’d kept a terrible secret from Natalie. She was guilty of both of those, no getting around that.
But did she deserve to suffer forever? Did the baby deserve to suffer? For all she knew, there may be no baby now. Her stomach clenched at the thought. She knew the baby was innocent. Worthy of love. Worthy of life. But would he or she get a chance at either?
Please, God, help me do the right thing.
But what was the right thing? She remembered worrying all her life about her lack of faith. About failing God when the moment of testing came. Was this her moment of testing? Was she failing miserably?
Oh, God, give me strength! I don’t want to fail You. What should I do?
Forgive. Yes, she knew she had to do that. Her heart toward Linn had changed at the reading of the girl’s words. She could forgive a desperate girl who, out of love, wanted the best for her baby. I do. I forgive her.
She remembered hearing somewhere that the Greeks’ word picture for unforgiveness was a load tied onto another person’s back. She’d never felt the truth of that as she did now. It was as if she’d cut the rope and let loose of the terrible weight.
She closed her eyes and leaned back against the couch. Relief, such tremendous relief. She realized her unforgiveness had been about making Linn pay for what she’d done. Making Linn suffer for her mistakes. But Natalies unforgiveness had made her suffer, too.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose.
Natalie knew it was true. Hadn’t He worked even Keith’s affair for the good? She would never have started working at the center had Keith not left her. And how many lives had she helped touch? How many babies were alive because of Him working through her there?
And now she had a precious man in her life again, and she could see the blessing of that. Yes, God worked all things for the good of those who love Him. But I have to let Him do that. She could walk around with a grudge tied to her back for the rest of her life, but to what end? When she didn’t forgive, He couldn’t complete that good work. He couldn’t take the painful experience and make something good of it.
And then, all the pain she suffered would have been for nothing.
Thank you, Jesus, for helping me forgive again. Show me what to do.
If He’d taken her husband’s betrayal and brought good from it, what good would He do through this?
She thought of Linn and the baby she hoped Linn still carried. Could she love Linn despite what she had done?
Haven’t I loved you, despite what you have done?
It was true. Oh, Father, it’s true. Who am I to judge Linn? Help me to be merciful to her as You are merciful to me.
She knew what she had to do. She got up and paced across the room. She had to find Linn. She glanced at the clock. Impossible. It was nine thirty-two. Dark outside. She didn’t have a clue where to start.
She glanced at the calendar that hung on her wall. If Linn was still pregnant, how far along was she? She counted up the weeks. Thirty-five weeks tomorrow. Five weeks from full term.
What if Linn hadn’t been able to take care of herself? What if she hadn’t had food and water, and all the things she needed? And medical care. There was no way she’d had medical care.
Oh, Lord, don’t let her have had an abortion. She could hardly bear the thought. She could hardly bear the burden of responsibility. She shook the thought. She had to find Linn. But where to start? She looked at the phone and considered calling every hotel in the area. But there was something she wanted to do first. She wanted to tell Kyle what had happened. He’d be happy for her, that she’d found peace in her soul. And maybe he would help her find Linn.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
Paula hung up the phone, then stood motionless, her hand still cradling the receiver. Her heart skittered as if she’d just upped the treadmill ten notches. She looked out the glass front of her home to the western buttes of Jackson Hole. The home had gotten a lot of attention when they’d built it, a contemporary mansion next to a bunch of rambling cedar homes.
She paced around the great room, a pulse of energy zinging through her. I got the job. I got the job. The words kept replaying in her mind like a scratched CD.
Miles had been enthusiastic about her coming on board. The salary he’d named was more than satisfying, and she’d wanted to scream at the top of her lungs, “YES!”
She’d played it cool, though, and told him she’d talk it over with her husband and get back to him.
David. He hardly seemed like her husband anymore. They didn’t talk. They didn’t cuddle. And they sure didn’t make love anymore. Not since his ridiculous assertion that she’d cheated on him.
Is it ridiculous? Wasn’t the abortion a form of betrayal? She pushed the thought away. It wasn’t the same at all. She would never cheat on him with another man. And the fact that he’d thought it of her ticked her off.
The way he was buying out JH Realty put another brick in the wall between them. How high was that wall now? She wasn’t sure she could even see him over it anymore.
Surely he would be happy for her, though. She remembered how supportive h
e’d been for her when she’d gotten the job at WKEF. Even though they both knew it was just a little local station, it was the best Jackson had for someone in her field. He’d taken her to the Rendezvous Bistro to celebrate. She remembered the night well. Especially the love-making they’d shared later.
She ran her hand through her short auburn hair. It was a different story now, but she hoped he could pull himself out of his own success long enough to congratulate her for hers. She looked at her watch. If he ever got home, that was.
She went to pour herself a glass of Cabernet Sauvignon. She savored the smell of the liquid before she raised her glass in a silent toast. She took a sip, and the smooth liquid glided down her throat. As fulfilled as she felt about the job offer, she wanted to tell someone. Celebrating in solitude felt empty.
She heard the garage door open and the door’s security beep sound. She put the glass down and walked to the hall, where David was standing with his briefcase.
“Hi,” she said.
“Hi.” He set the briefcase on a shelf in the closet, then walked around her toward the kitchen.
“Want me to fix you something?” she asked.
He glanced at her, and she knew what he was thinking. So it had been awhile since she’d done something nice for him.
“I’ll just grab a sandwich.” He opened the stainless steel refrigerator door and pulled out the deli meat she’d picked up the day before.
“Good day?” she asked. Might as well start small and build from there. It felt awkward springing such exciting news on someone who’d shown zero interest in her for months.
“It was OK.”
One thing she appreciated about David. He never failed to be polite. Another man might ignore her after all the tension they’d had between them. Not David.
She watched him fix his sandwich, and when he took a seat on a barstool, she leaned back against the counter. She was about to burst. The only thing that stopped her was wondering what David’s reaction would be.
“What’s got you so nervous?”
She realized she’d been drumming her fingers against the Corian countertop. She stopped and took a deep breath.
David took another bite of his roast beef, eyeing her strangely.
“I heard from the station in Chicago a few minutes ago,” she said.
He put the sandwich down and wiped his mouth on the napkin. “And?”
Did she detect caution in his tone? “I got it, David. They offered me the job.” There was a day the words would have had her jumping up and down. David would have embraced her, and they might have done a joy jig together. She envisioned it happening, knowing a giddy smile was crowding her face.
“You told them you couldn’t take it, didn’t you?”
Pop. She could almost hear the sound of her bubble bursting. “What?” He expected her to dismiss it, just like that? Her dream job in one of the country’s biggest cities, and he thought she’d turn it down?
“It’s obvious the job may become permanent. Well, we can hardly move, Paula.”
Distaste. Anger. Frustration. They all beaded up on the surface like water on a waxed car. “You can’t be serious.”
He blinked, finally setting his sandwich on the plate. “I can’t move to Chicago. I’m buying JH Realty, in case you’d forgotten.”
“And who told you to do that? Did you even once ask my opinion?”
“It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity!”
“So is this.” She struggled to keep her voice down. Her heart raced. This was not going as she’d hoped.
He pushed his glasses up higher on the bridge of his nose. It was as if he hadn’t even considered asking her about the buy-out. Now he was. “I guess I should’ve asked you. But there’s no way I can leave now. It’s already a done deal.”
“What about my career opportunity? You knew I didn’t want to stay here. You knew it before we ever married.”
“I thought you were happy here now.”
“Who are you to decide where I’m happy? How would you know, anyway? We haven’t talked in months.”
His eyes narrowed. “That’s not my fault.”
She gave a wry laugh. “Of course not. It’s my fault for not owning up to the affair that I never had in the first place!”
She felt heat rushing through her, making her skin hot. She knew her face was turning red and hated that she couldn’t stop it.
She could see him trying to gather himself. He took a sip of Evian. “Arguing isn’t going to get us anywhere.”
No kidding, Sherlock.
“Let’s look at the facts. I’m going to own JH Realty. Obviously, I can’t leave.”
“Can’t or wont?”
He blinked rapidly. “You know what absentee ownership does to a business. I might as well throw away all the money I’ve invested.”
“And you just expect me to give up my career opportunity?”
“Well, I’m not giving up mine.”
So many thoughts. So many emotions. Too many to decipher. She knew one thing, though. She wasn’t giving up her big chance.
“I’m not either. You didn’t consult with me on your opportunity, and I’m not consulting with you on mine. I’m taking the job.” She turned and walked away.
Linn shoved a pair of jeans in the Kmart bag and looked around the tiny room she’d been staying in. It was the size of some walk-in closets, but it had been a safe haven for almost a month.
She grabbed her tablet of paper off the makeshift nightstand and tucked it carefully inside. Her letters to her baby were her most precious belonging. Well, that was everything.
She picked up the letter she was leaving for George and read it one more time.
George,
Thanks again for letting me stay here. You’ll never know how much I appreciate it. Maybe one day, I’ll be able to pay you back.
I wanted to let you know that I am taking a bus to Chicago. One of my friends from high school has an apartment there and has agreed to let me stay with her for a while. Her aunt is even giving me a job in her bookstore. Don’t worry. We will be just fine. Well, I guess that’s all. Take care, and don’t let the bedbugs bite.
Linn
She smiled as she read the last part. George had said that to her every evening when he’d checked on her. He was a funny old man, and she’d miss him.
She bundled up her things and left through the back door. A glance at her watch told her she had twenty minutes to get to the bus stop. She could make it easy in ten.
Once her bike was loaded down, she carefully straddled the seat and rearranged the duffle bag that was throwing her off balance. Wasn’t easy riding a bike at eight months pregnant, especially when it was loaded down with everything she owned. She gave a wry laugh. Not that she had much.
Haltingly, she took off, shivering in the late October wind. They’d had lots of snow already, but the streets were clear now. It would be a long day for her. She hoped the bus had a bathroom. Otherwise, she didn’t know how she’d make it without an hourly bathroom break. She glanced down at her swollen belly. Sometimes she could hardly believe there was a baby in there.
She felt the baby twist inside her, then thump her with what must have been a foot. “Settle down, stinker, it’s going to be a long day.”
Her legs pumped rhythmically, and her breath came heavily. There didn’t seem to be enough room in her chest for her lungs to inflate anymore. She kept telling herself it would all be over in a matter of weeks, but with her baby“s future up in the air, it didn’t make her feel any better. She’d have to figure out where she was going to have the baby. Would the hospital take her in if they knew she didn’t have insurance? Surely they wouldn’t turn her away.
Her friend’s aunt knew a social worker who was going to help her find parents for her baby. Much as she loved the little one, she knew she was in no shape to raise this child. She dreaded the thought of giving the baby up, though. It would have been so much better if things had worked out with Nat
alie. It would have been perfect, then. Her baby would have been raised with his or her brothers. But now some strangers would raise her baby, and they probably wouldn’t let her keep in contact or send her pictures of her little one.
When her eyes teared up, she blamed it on the cold wind. She sniffed, her legs beginning to ache in earnest now. She passed the town square with its arch of elk antlers. The place was deserted this time of year. “Bye, Town Square,” she whispered. She wondered if she’d ever be back. Her father was still not speaking to her. Maybe, someday, when her pregnancy was a distant memory.
When she reached the Greyhound depot, she slid off her bike, pulled it up onto the curb by the bus stop, and put down the kickstand. She felt in her jeans pocket for the ticket, then went into the shelter of the bus stop to wait.
CHAPTER THIRTY-SIX
Natalie stuffed Taylor’s blankie into his backpack and zipped it shut. Keith would be here any minute, and shortly after that, she would take a step that may change her life forever.
Last night was almost a blur. Finding Linn’s letters to her baby, her phone call to Kyle. But she would never forget his words when she’d told him she forgave Linn and wanted to find her.
“I know where she is.”
Even now, the words sent goose bumps up her back. He’d told her how he’d found her three weeks ago at the Wagon Wheel Campground. How he’d made sure she’d had a place to stay and food to eat. He’d spoken with caution in his voice.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I’ve been feeling guilty about that,” he’d said. “I felt like I was keeping something from you.”
She’d tried to imagine him telling her three weeks ago, and knew he’d done the right thing. She hadn’t been ready to hear he was sympathetic toward Linn. Now it made her heart swell to see how he’d taken care of his former sister-in-law. And it made sense. Of course Kyle wouldn’t have been able to stand by and let Linn suffer.
But the other thing she’d never forget was Kyle’s assurances that Linn was still pregnant. She closed her eyes. Thank you, Jesus. Linn hadn’t had an abortion, and in five weeks, she’d have a baby. Natalie wondered so many things. Had she had medical care? Had she arranged for another adoption? Had she decided to raise the child herself? Natalie didn’t see how, since Linn had hardly been able to look after herself, but she’d known many girls who had unrealistic expectations when it came to raising their own children. Kyle told her Linn had lost her job at Bubba’s and hadn’t yet found another job. It would be hard for a very pregnant woman to get a job anywhere, much less a girl who had no car.
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