by Fiona Gibson
‘Poor Mummy!’ Grace’s eyes are glossy with concern as she grips my hand.
‘God, Laura, that was pretty spectacular,’ Jed says, shaking his head despairingly.
‘You poor, poor thing,’ Celeste witters, craning forward as if eager to witness what kind of stunt I’ll pull off next.
‘I’m fine, thank you,’ I snap. ‘I just slipped, that’s all.’
‘Does it feel as if you’ve broken anything?’ Beth asks gently, easing her way between Jed and Celeste. As they appear to be almost surgically attached, this is a major feat.
‘I . . . don’t think so,’ I reply, wishing everyone would melt away, apart from Beth. Then I’d spill it all out – about Celeste picking something off Jed’s top and how the sight of them together made me feel sick and disorientated.
‘Are you sure?’ cuts in Miss Marshall. ‘That was a pretty serious fall.’
‘You might have sprained something,’ Beth suggests.
‘Yes,’ I blurt out, figuring that this is my only way to save face: to turn it into a medical situation. ‘My left ankle really hurts,’ I groan.
‘Let’s get her to the doctor’s,’ someone mutters.
‘No, I don’t need a doctor, I’ll be perfectly okay . . .’
‘Miss Curwin will take you to the office,’ says Miss Marshall firmly.
‘It’s fine, I’ll look after her,’ Jed says quickly.
Damn. I might have been able to feign a sprained ankle in front of the school secretary, but not with Jed. ‘What are you doing here anyway?’ I hiss as he helps me to my feet and leads me towards the school building.
‘We’re due for a meeting about this inter-schools art competition,’ he says.
‘Oh,’ I say hollowly. We. How fantastically cosy. Flanked by Jed, Celeste, Grace and Miss Curwin, I hobble towards the main entrance. Over by the goalposts, Finn and James are locked in conversation with Beth’s daughter Kira, the golden girl of his class. I pause, waiting for Finn to charge towards me, desperately concerned about my wellbeing. Nothing happens. Anyone would assume I’m some random crazy who’s blundered onto school property. Not the woman who carried him in her womb and has tended to his every need for the past eleven years.
In the office, I lower myself onto a chair. Miss Curwin produces the first aid box, extracts a bandage and starts to bind my left ankle. It’s quite a crush with everyone packed into the tiny room. So many eyes are fixed upon me that I begin to feel like something that’s been dug up from a field and put on display in a museum. ‘You’d better go back to the playing field now, Grace,’ Miss Curwin says. ‘Your mum’s going to be fine.’
‘Okay.’ She smiles unsteadily.
‘See you at home time,’ I say. ‘Don’t worry – I feel much better already.’
‘Sorry I nagged you and made you break your foot,’ she murmurs.
‘Oh, darling, it’s not your fault. It’s mine for being such a clumsy idiot.’
‘Yeah,’ Grace brightens, turning to leave. ‘No other mums fell over, did they, Dad?’
‘Er, no, love.’ Jed clears his throat, and I catch him throwing a quick look at Celeste.
‘Are you in a hurry?’ I ask sharply. ‘Because I don’t want to keep you from your meeting.’
‘Well,’ he says, ‘we are supposed to be meeting Miss Marshall . . .’
‘Oh, I can deal with that, Jed,’ Celeste insists, widening her pale blue eyes. ‘You should take Laura home. Poor thing, she must be in agony.’
‘I’m fine,’ I say quickly, horrified now at the prospect of keeping up the bust-ankle pretence all the way home. ‘I’ll have to wait for school to finish anyway. That’s only an hour. Then I’ll pick up Toby and walk home, no problem.’ I pull myself up, gripping the edge of the desk for support.
‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ Jed says. ‘I’ll drive you home and come back to collect the kids.’
‘That’s crazy! You don’t need to do that—’
‘Where are your shoes?’ he asks.
‘I don’t know. It doesn’t matter, they were just old things . . .’
‘Do call the surgery,’ Miss Curwin adds as we leave. ‘I’m sure they’ll give you an emergency appointment, get you checked out.’
‘Yes, I’ll do that.’
‘And get plenty of rest,’ Miss Curwin calls after us.
I nod gravely, wondering how I might possibly rest in our house, until I remember that there is nothing physically wrong with me.
Our car is parked in the next street. Jed and I don’t speak as I hobble barefoot towards it, having been unable to face prowling around the playing field to look for my sandals. As I lower myself onto the passenger seat, wincing with ‘pain’, Naomi saunters towards us, dangling my turquoise beauties by their straps. ‘I rescued these for you,’ she announces. They are smeared with mud, plus a curious slug-like substance.
‘Thanks, Naomi,’ I murmur, tossing them onto the back seat.
‘No problem.’ She touches her red winner’s rosette which she’s wearing as a jaunty hair accessory behind her left ear.
I shut the passenger door firmly. ‘Better luck next year!’ she mouths through the window before guffawing and cantering off down the street.
‘Spectacular,’ Jed grumbles, starting the engine. ‘Honestly, Laura, that really was one spectacular stunt you pulled off there.’
Chapter Three
‘Mum broke her foot today,’ Grace announces over dinner.
‘Aww,’ Toby says. ‘Poor Mummy.’
‘You mean she pretended to break it,’ Finn cuts in, carving grooves in his mashed potato with his fork. ‘Dad, didn’t she take the bandage off as soon as she got home and start walking normally? She was totally putting it on.’ He takes a noisy slurp of his orange juice and bangs his glass on the table.
‘Well, yes,’ chuckles Jed.
I glance down, checking that I still exist. Yep, all evidence suggests that I am a functioning human being with a beating heart and everything.
‘Why?’ Toby asks, wide-eyed, twirling a fork through his still-blond curls.
‘To make people feel sorry for her,’ Finn replies, ‘because she’s . . .’
‘Excuse me,’ I butt in. ‘I am here, you know. You don’t need to talk about me as if I’m somewhere else.’
‘Like hospital,’ Finn mutters.
I shoot him a look and push my shepherd’s pie aside, unable to face another mouthful. ‘I know it sounds stupid,’ I start, ‘but I didn’t mean for that to happen. You see, I was dizzy and confused – concussed maybe . . .’ I refrain from adding: and you know what? If it hadn’t been for the shock of seeing your darling father and that teacher woman, prodding each other on the sports field, I would never have fallen in the first place.
‘Were you really concussed?’ Jed sniggers.
‘It’s not funny, Jed. It’s one of the most embarrassing things that’s ever happened to me.’ I eye the pea which Toby has flicked off his plate, and which is now rolling steadily towards the table’s edge. It drops off, lands on the floor and trundles towards the cooker.
‘And me,’ Finn adds. ‘It was embarrassing for me as well. Everyone was pointing and laughing . . .’ He tosses his head so his dark, heavy fringe falls over his eyes.
‘Were they?’ I ask, appalled.
‘Oh, come on, honey.’ Jed smiles and reaches for my hand across the table. ‘Maybe you’re just not built for speed.’
‘What are you saying, Jed?’ I blink at him furiously. It’s okay for him; he’s still in excellent shape. Taut tummy, toned legs, infuriatingly firm butt. He even has his own hair and teeth.
‘Just that . . . your talents lie in other areas.’ He grins cheekily, trying to lighten the mood.
‘And what areas might they be?’
He pauses. I can virtually hear his brain whirring as he tries to dredge up evidence of my brilliance. ‘All the, er, stuff you do,’ he says, glancing in desperation at the children. ‘Doesn’t Mum do lots for you?’
Grace nods eagerly. ‘She packs our lunchboxes.’
‘She wipes my bum,’ Toby says approvingly, flicking another pea off his plate.
‘You should be doing that for yourself by now,’ Jed mutters.
‘He can’t wipe his bum!’ Grace titters. ‘Dirty boy with a dirty bum . . .’
‘I’m not dirty,’ Toby roars, and furious tears spring into his eyes.
‘Can I stop having cheese sandwiches in my lunchbox?’ Finn cuts in.
‘Okay,’ I say lightly, ‘but what would you like instead? You said you didn’t want ham, tuna, salami, chicken or beef . . . and didn’t you complain that the egg ones were smelly? It’s tricky to think of stuff you do like, Finn. Maybe you should start having school dinners?’
‘I just don’t like cheese, okay?’ He shudders dramatically, as if I’ve just tried to force-feed him a pilchard. ‘Ham is fine, I suppose,’ he adds, ‘but not the cheap stuff you usually buy.’
‘What on earth’s wrong with our ham?’
‘It’s kinda . . . wet. And see when you cut my sandwiches? Instead of two fat rectangles could you cut them in triangles like the ones in shops? That’s what James’s mum does.’
I hold his gaze. This is what my life has become. Not only am I not built for speed, I can’t even make an acceptable sandwich. Not like James’s mum does anyway. James’s mum who has a nanny even though she doesn’t work. ‘Would that be an isosceles triangle?’ I enquire. ‘Or would you prefer an equilateral or, um . . . that other kind I can’t remember the name of?’
Finn scowls. ‘Scalene. It’s called scalene, I learned that when I was eight, Mum. Didn’t you get that at school?’
‘No, I only got taught how to pick things up off the floor and wipe arses,’ I growl.
‘Uh?’ Finn barks.
‘I only asked because I might need to borrow your protractor to cut them really accurately.’ I smile brightly, aware of Jed’s caustic gaze.
‘For God’s sake,’ he snaps. ‘It’s time you all stopped being so fussy. Mum has enough on her plate without these ridiculous demands.’
‘Yes, she does,’ I shout, even though I feel physically ill when people refer to themselves in the third person.
‘I’m not fussy,’ Grace protests. ‘I think you make nice lunches, Mummy.’
‘Thank you, darling. I’m glad someone appreciates them.’
‘Wanna Penguin biscuit,’ announces Toby, whose dinner has congealed in unappetising brown heaps on his plate.
‘I don’t know why we do this,’ I mutter under my breath.
‘Do what, love?’ Jed asks.
‘This! These family mealtimes. I always thought, you know, that sitting down to eat together means we’re doing something right, that we’re good parents and are functioning as a family, getting on and enjoying each other’s company . . .’ I laugh hollowly.
Finn snorts through his nose.
‘But it doesn’t, does it?’ I rant. ‘It always seems to descend into bickering and shouting like this. Give me one reason, Jed, why family mealtimes are a good thing.’ He opens his mouth and decides to shut it again. ‘The whole concept’s overrated,’ I add, grabbing a dishcloth to mop up a small pool of juice from the table. ‘Sometimes I think we’d all be happier if everyone just foraged in cupboards or picked up scraps from the floor.’
‘Yeah!’ Toby exclaims, banging the table with his fist.
‘What’s foraged?’ Grace asks.
‘It’s when you go out and find food in the wild,’ Jed says quietly, casting me a frown as he gathers up the cutlery.
‘What wild food is there around here?’
‘None,’ Finn says with a smirk. ‘Mum’s just saying it ’cause she’s sick of cooking for us.’
‘No, I’m not.’ I pause, looking around at my children. ‘I’m sorry,’ I add. ‘I don’t mind cooking at all. It’s just sometimes, when everyone’s so picky and critical . . .’ My voice catches in my throat. ‘It’s just been a bit of a day,’ I add quickly.
‘Hey,’ Jed says, squeezing my waist as the children stomp out of the kitchen. ‘Why don’t you chill out for a while? I’ll clear up in here.’ I look at his handsome face: the deep brown eyes, which our three children have inherited, and the full, generous mouth which I loved to kiss, before kissing no longer seemed like the thing to do.
‘It’s okay,’ I say, glancing up at the ceiling. Finn has started drumming upstairs, causing the whole house to reverberate. I’m glad he drums, in that he clearly has musical talent, but occasionally I wish he’d chosen something gentler, like the oboe or flute. I glance at the tragic remains of Toby’s dinner which now looks like a small, collapsed volcano. For some reason, the sight of the unwanted meal – its ingredients shopped for and lovingly cooked – brings a lump to my throat. Ted is lying beside the plate with a daub of gravy on his matted ear.
‘Oh, love,’ Jed says gently. ‘Not still upset about that stupid mums’ race, are you?’
‘No, of course not.’
‘Yes you are. I know you.’ He takes a plate from my hands and sets it on the worktop. I nod, because it’s easier than admitting how crushing it was to see him and Celeste, watching the races, as if she were the mother of our children. I know I’m being paranoid. They work together; they’d come for a meeting, that’s all. ‘Know what you need, darling?’ Jed says gently.
‘A diet,’ I mutter. ‘Did you see all the other mums? How lean and skinny they were? Especially Naomi . . .’
‘Well, she’s obsessed,’ Jed scoffs. ‘She’s a freak of nature.’
‘No she’s not. She’s just fit. And what about Beth? Why did I have to choose someone so athletic and sporty to be my best friend around here?’
‘It’s just the way she is,’ Jed insists. ‘She’s just made that way, love, while you’re, er . . .’
‘I feel so fat and useless,’ I cut in. ‘I don’t know what’s happened to me, why I don’t have any willpower. I try to start diets but on the first day, at the first twinge of hunger, I’m scrabbling about for a snack, a biscuit or something . . .’
‘Then have a biscuit!’ he exclaims. ‘Who cares if you’re not built like a stick? You’ve had three children, haven’t you? You’re normal. You’re fine . . .’
‘Well, I’m sorry but I don’t feel fine.’
He grabs both of my hands and squeezes them tightly. ‘You just need some time to yourself, all right? A day doing, well . . . whatever you want to do. What do you really love doing?’
‘Can’t remember.’ I glare at the floor, sounding like Finn at his most petulant.
‘What about shopping?’
‘I don’t need anything,’ I say, silently mourning my wrecked turquoise sandals.
‘I’m not talking about needing things,’ Jed insists. ‘I mean you could just go out and buy yourself something nice.’
‘Don’t you think I look nice, Jed?’ God, woman, get a grip on yourself. Stop being so damned needy.
He inhales deeply, and I detect a flicker of impatience in his deep brown eyes. ‘All I mean is, if you buy yourself something new, it might make you feel better about yourself. And you’d have a bit of time away from us lot.’
I nod, shamefaced. Jed is instructing me to cast off the shackles of motherhood and spend money on frivolities. If the playgroup mums could hear this, they’d faint with lust. ‘Maybe I’ll go into town on Saturday,’ I mutter.
‘Great.’ He smiles. ‘Celeste was talking about some new shop – some little boutiquey place by the station . . .’
My heart does a mini-thud. ‘I’d rather go into York,’ I say quickly. ‘There’s a lot more choice.’
‘It’s just, Celeste said . . .’
‘I know all the local shops inside out, Jed,’ I bark. ‘The clothes are either for teenagers or people over 150. There’s nothing in between. I’d like to go to York if that’s okay with you.’
‘Of course it is,’ he snaps back. ‘You can go wherever you like.’
I can sense him glowering as I gather up Toby’s Lego bricks from the kitchen floor and fling them into their red plastic bucket. I’m trying not to obsess over this new friendship of his. I haven’t interrogated Jed when he’s come home two hours later than expected, having stayed on to help The Celestial One with her wall display. I have even resisted reading all the texts she pings at him, perhaps scared of what I’ll find.
I march through to the living room to sort out a fracas over whose turn it is to use the remote control. Upstairs, Finn is bashing the life out of his drum kit. A day out on my own, away from all of this: I should be ecstatic. Yet I fear that my patience is stretched dangerously taut, and is about to twang like frayed knicker elastic.
Chapter Four
What the jiggins is wrong with you, Laura Swan? I ask myself this question as I drive to York on Saturday morning. Usually, I’d jump at an opportunity like this. A few hours in town without Finn complaining bitterly if I dare to venture into the wrong kind of shop – i.e., one with clothes hanging neatly on rails. Grace is tolerant, as long as we schedule a visit to the fancy dress shop. As for Toby – he loves the bustling streets, for about eight seconds, after which I have to placate him with a visit to Jorvik to hang out with the Vikings.
Not today, though. This is what the glossy magazines call ‘me-time’. It’s supposed to be soothing and restorative. As I stand in a changing room cubicle, with some girl chirping, ‘D’you think this makes me look too thin?’, I suspect I might be having a jollier time sniffing the authentic Viking cesspit with Toby.
‘No, you look gorgeous,’ her companion enthuses. ‘God, I wish I had legs like yours. They go on forever.’
All right, all right. No need to over-egg it, lady. I peer down at mine, which absolutely do not go on forever. They are the colour of raw pastry and urgently require a shave. Disconcertingly, the changing room mirrors are angled in such a way that you can view yourself from every conceivable angle. They should have a warning sign outside, saying it’s unsuitable for those of a nervous disposition.
The thin girl is now in the communal changing area. She probably looks like Penelope Cruz and has a Lancôme advertising contract. Standing in my bra and knickers – once dazzling white, now a lardy pale grey – I scrutinise the garment I grabbed randomly from a rail, simply because it’s in my favourite shade of blue. Actually, I’d assumed it was a top with little pearly buttons down the front. Nothing too controversial. Nothing to make the children shriek in horror and refuse to be seen in public with me. Now, though, it’s clear that this isn’t a top – at least not for a woman with a normal-shaped body. It has some kind of bottom-scenario attached. It’s a romper suit for a grown-up. My mind fills with a picture I once saw in a Sunday supplement, showing adults who dress up as babies for kicks. Grown men in knitted matinee jackets. Has the world gone insane? This is a respectable department store. They do wedding lists and Nigella Lawson tableware. Surely they haven’t started catering for sexual freaks.
