Lunch was a relaxed affair as Tony grilled out on the back deck and they enjoyed the warm weather. Summer hadn’t gotten too hot yet.
After the meal, the babies awakened from their nap. Renata fed them in their room and brought them outside to join the company.
“Robbie, allow me to introduce you to my lovely daughters, Rosalinda and Rochelle, often called Rosa and Ella.” Tony beamed with pride as he took one of the girls from his wife’s arms.
“Would you let me hold one of them?” Robbie asked. Stephanie had already reached for Rosa who was being held by her mother.
“Here, this is Ella. Ella, meet Robbie.” Tony handed off the infant to Robbie who handled the baby like a pro, talking to her and eliciting giggles and coos. Tony and Renata exchanged grins as their daughter charmed their guest.
“Three months old, I’m guessing?” asked Robbie as he glanced up at Tony.
“Almost to four now. They grow fast.” Tony grinned.
Stephanie took Rosa and started to walk out in the yard with the little girl snuggled up on her shoulder as she patted her back, whispering all the while to the baby. It was a bittersweet thing to hold this little girl in her arms. Her gummy smile enchanted and those bright eyes watched everything. Pudgy hands batted the air, hitting Steph’s shoulder. The soft, downy hair and the scent of baby shampoo tugged at her heart. She struggled inside as she wandered around the yard, grappling with the reality that this was not going to be in her future any time soon. The baby growing inside would be held and loved by someone else. She fought back the tears and tried to focus on Rosa and the garden Renata had worked hard to cultivate.
* * *
Robbie watched Stephanie as she meandered through the yard and noted the wistful look on her face. “She’s a natural isn’t she?” he said to no one in particular. In his mind, he imagined her holding their child and it twisted his heart.
Renata nodded. “It’s been difficult for her to be around the girls while at the same time considering giving up her own baby for adoption.”
“Has she been talking more about that?” Robbie asked.
“She has an appointment tomorrow morning to meet with a counselor to begin the process. Emotionally, she has so much going on. She’s not discussing it.”
“It’s a big step,” Robbie said.
“Stephanie told me you do work with an adoption agency?” Tony asked.
“I provide counsel for Every Child a Home. That’s how I met Stephanie, when they had the annual fundraiser at your restaurant a week and a half ago.”
“I remember booking that but wasn’t there for it. It went well?” Tony sipped his lemonade. The odor of charcoal and cooked meat from the grill hung in the air, competing with the scent of honeysuckle from a nearby hedge.
“Yes. We raised the funds needed for the upcoming year, and we had several families come to investigate adopting children.” Robbie was stuffed and content. He had enjoyed this afternoon with Stephanie’s friends more than he had expected to. If he was being scrutinized, the benefit of the doubt hung in his favor.
“What led you to want to work with an adoption agency?” asked Renata.
“Working with this group is ministry. I was adopted, so I have a deep appreciation for the beauty of that kind of gift. I was blessed in the family I grew up in because my birth mother made that choice.”
“Have you ever been curious to meet her?” asked Tony.
“Sure. When I investigated, I hit brick walls. All I know is that she was Caucasian and that he was Puerto Rican. I have yet to meet either birth parent. It’s like they dropped off the face of the earth after the adoption, and records were not as well kept as they are now. I’m not too concerned about meeting them. I had the best parents God could have provided for me.”
“They must be proud of what you’ve accomplished,” said Renata.
“They are, but my mother keeps reminding me that a man with a good income is in need of a wife and children. She’ll mumble something about Jane Austen and Pride and Prejudice. She longs to be a grandmother and reminds me with every visit how I’ve fallen short of making that happen for her.” Robbie grinned. “So until I have achieved those goals, I’ve not come far enough for her satisfaction.”
“I remember that kind of pressure from my family. They worked hard to get Renata and I together. I don’t regret the outcome. I recommend marriage and children, Robbie, but only when the Lord brings that about for you.”
Robbie smiled. “My parents have a good marriage and I want nothing less for myself, so I refuse to marry just to please my mom. She’s right, but there’s no need to rush into anything.”
“I’m sure God will lead you as you wait on Him.” Renata filled his glass of lemonade.
“I’m banking on that.” Ella spat up on him and he laughed as he reached for the burp cloth to wipe up the front of his t-shirt. “Have I been neglecting you, princess, by talking to your parents?” Ella patted his face with her chubby hands.
Tony shook his head and grinned. “I can get you something else to wear if you want. It’s not fun to go through the day with the smell of sour milk on your shirt.” Robbie stood up and Renata leaned over to take the baby.
“Thanks, that’d be great.” The two men entered the house.
* * *
Stephanie came up to the deck. “Rosa says she prefers the orange tiger lilies in the back over the red and pink roses you have climbing on the trellis.”
Renata laughed. “It amazes me that Rosa loves the color orange, and Ella is my pink gal.”
“Where did the guys go?”
“Ella spit up on Robbie. They went inside so Tony could get him something else to wear.”
Stephanie sat down, sitting the baby on her lap facing out to see the world around her. “So, what do you think of him?”
“I like what I see and hear, Steph. The guy seems like a keeper. He’s a natural with the girls. He treats you with respect.”
Stephanie smiled. “I fantasize that he might marry me. How desperate is that? I feel guilty for even thinking of it because I would be using him so I could keep my baby. But he’s delicious to look at, sweet, and he loves God.” Stephanie sighed as she rubbed Rosa’s back. “I don’t have time to wait for a relationship to grow and develop and it’s wrong of me to think that Robbie can save me from the pain of giving up my child. I wouldn’t marry Luis just for the sake of the baby, so why would I consider it with Robbie? I must be insane.” She shook her head and planted a kiss on Rosa’s head.
“You are not insane. Only human. I remember how tumultuous my hormones where when I was pregnant. It’s hard to make decisions when you have all that is going on in your life like you do, and a time limit as well with the baby’s due date in early January. I worry about you.”
“I worry about me too.” Stephanie chuckled. “I’ve always been the one with my act all together. Amazing how one sin has unraveled everything.”
Tony and Robbie returned with Robbie wearing a blue t-shirt that made his eyes sparkle as he gazed over to her.
“I appreciate your hospitality today. You have a beautiful family and it has been fun to be a part of it. Would you be offended if I stole Stephanie away for a few hours?”
She looked up, surprised. “Where are we off to?”
“How about the Boerner Botanical Gardens?”
“Sounds lovely.” Stephanie handed Rosa over to Tony. “You don’t mind if we take off?”
Tony laughed. “Steph, I’m not your father who you need to ask permission from to go on a date. But since you did ask, when do you think you’ll return?” Tony looked at his watch and wiggled his eyebrows at her.
Everyone laughed and Tony acted surprised. “What? I’m serious.”
“I’ll bring her back before dark, and you have my cell phone number if you need to check up on us,” Robbie said.
She witnessed an unspoken message as the men made eye contact.
SIX
La ira y el odio son obst
áculos al buen consejo.
Anger and hate hinder good counsel.
~Mexican proverb
As they got in Robbie’s car, Stephanie remarked, “I was afraid that after Tuesday, you’d never allow yourself to be alone in my presence again.”
Robbie frowned. He appeared focused on getting his car on to Highway 41/45 to head south to Hales Corners. Stephanie chafed at the silence but willed herself to wait. After a few miles, he spoke.
“I like you Stephanie, and I’m worried about you. You could use time away from your problems. I hope I am sufficiently in control of myself this afternoon to avoid ravishing you in the gardens or my car. You don’t need lust muddling up your life as you make decisions about the future.”
Stephanie was silent. The traffic was light, and they made the trip without incident. They gained access to the gardens, meandered side by side, and stumbled across a wedding that had begun in the rose arbor. Stephanie stood and observed with longing. Robbie went to lean against a wall of the arbor. She was certain he watched her. A lone violin played as the bride made her way to where her groom stood waiting. Love radiated from both their faces. Steph sighed before turning to walk down a different path onto a bridge through a wooded area. Robbie stayed by her side.
“Penny for your thoughts.”
“With the economy tanking, is that all they are worth now?” She fought tears as she stopped and focused on some flowers below the bridge.
“It’s just a phrase. Whatcha thinking about?”
“Nothing profitable or new. Just how much I’ve lost with one bad decision.”
“I disagree.”
“Excuse me?” she turned to him as he stood next to her. He looked out at the shrubs around them. He leaned his bent arms on the railing of the bridge.
“I don’t think it was one bad decision, but probably a series of them. I suspect that while you lost some things, you might be gaining others you haven’t even realized yet.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Your life before was pretty easy. You worked and had your apartment, friends and independence. You only had to think about yourself. Am I right?” Now he glanced over at her.
“Yeah, I guess so. And that was bad?”
“It just was. Yes, you cared for your friends, but you had more control of events in your life. Now you have someone else to think about—this baby. There are new decisions to make that force you to depend on God and seek Him. You have been shaken out of your comfort zone. Your level of safety and security is gone. You are forced to trust more and more in God to be God—faithful, loving, trustworthy, just, good, and more. These are not easy things, but by wrestling with them, you will grow into the woman Jesus desires you to be. Without the challenges, you would stay the same, year after year after boring year. But now, God is crafting something beautiful out of the chaos. You just can’t see it yet.”
“How’d you get to be so wise?”
“When pain is a constant friend and comfort unavailable, I’ve been forced to question and re-evaluate what my life is about. Why am I here? Is God punishing me for something? Or is there some greater reason for my suffering? I don’t have all the answers, but I believe God’s word that says ‘All things work together for good to them that love the Lord and are called according to His purpose.’ I may not see the end this side of heaven, but God promises to walk through the pain and struggle with me right here and now. Trusting Him in that process changes me, grows me more and more into who He wants me to be. I’m not there yet, but I’m at least on the journey. I’m not stuck but moving forward in faith.”
“Could you choose to be stuck?”
“I think so. I could revert back to drugs to numb my pain and live in a cycle of pain and relief and pain and relief and avoid growth while destroying the people around me. It’s a choice to follow Him when I don’t understand, or to wallow in the mud of a pity party and cave into something familiar.”
“Guess I’ve been throwing a little pity party myself.”
“Yup.”
They stood there, side by side, in the shade. Stephanie noticed creases in Robbie’s forehead.
“You okay?”
“As good as I ever am.”
“You’re sad.”
Robbie turned and leaned against the rail and crossed his arms in front of him. “It’s hard to watch you struggle. I wish there was something I could do to ease your way. I can’t rescue you. God has work to do and I don’t want to interfere with that.”
“Oh, and here I thought your back was bothering you.”
“A given. I try not to think about it.”
“Is it worse right now?”
“It doesn’t matter. Shall we move along?”
“Robbie, why is it that I can share, and yet, when I attempt to understand you better, all I get is theology and a closed door to your heart? I find it maddening.”
“You think I’ve shut you out?” He stood with his arms folded and his legs spread.
“Yes, I do.” They stared at each other for a moment. She sighed, and they resumed walking. “I do have a lot going on in my life, that’s true, but it doesn’t mean I don’t care about your struggles too. You are wound up tight and working hard to maintain control of your emotions. That can’t be healthy.”
* * *
Something inside Roberto snapped. He turned to her, stopping them in their tracks. “You really want to understand what’s bothering me?” He recognized the harshness in his tone and was glad they were in a more remote area of the gardens with no one else around to witness him losing it.
Stephanie nodded, but there was a wariness in her eyes he ignored.
“Fine. I’ll tell you. I work hard, yet there’s a ceiling above me I keep hitting my head against. People come in day after day wanting to waste my time on frivolous lawsuits that would be better served by civil conversations. I witness marriage after marriage, even among so called ‘Christians,’ dissolve in anger and recrimination in my office. I see the guilty go free and the innocent suffer.
“I go home to a lonely apartment at night and wonder how you are doing and why I should even care. My heart aches for you. My back and neck tighten up and I feel ready to scream for some kind of release, but my thoughts tend towards directions that are far from the honorable man I want to be before God.” His words came out in a fast, clipped tone. His breathing was ragged. He stopped. Her face registered shock at this explosion.
Robbie started to walk away, running his right hand through his hair in a failed attempt to push it off his forehead. The day had become warm. Sweat caused his t-shirt to cling to his back. He heard her follow.
When she put her hand on his right shoulder, it twitched in response.
“Please don’t touch me,” he growled and moved on.
“Robbie?”
“What?” He halted, his voice sounded defeated even to his own ears.
“I’m sorry.”
“For what? None of this is your fault.”
“No, not that, I’m just sorry I didn’t understand the pressures and challenges you face. I assumed you were this guy who has it all together who I can lean on in my troubles. I was using you and that was wrong. Please forgive me.”
Robbie dropped down to sit on a boulder alongside the path and pain shot up his spine and down his legs at the same time. He leaned over with his head in his hands. “There is nothing to forgive. I’m the one who should apologize.” He kicked himself inwardly. This was what had ruined every attempt at a relationship in the past. He cared too much, too fast. His pain and low frustration tolerance would erupt and the women decided they didn’t want any part of him. His congé was coming. It was predictable. Why did he even try?
Stephanie walked up to him and dropped to a crouch by his side, placing her hand on his shoulder. “I forgive you, but I also thank you for letting me see this side of you.”
“Why?” he ground out through gritted teeth.
“Because I don’t want to fall in
love with a picture perfect man who has it all together. I would never feel like I could measure up. I want to fall in love with a man who understands the ups and downs of life and would walk by my side through them. I find that far more real and comforting.”
He lifted his head to stare into her face to gauge her sincerity. He leaned forward and planted a kiss on her cheek. “You are a priceless jewel, Stephanie. No woman, other than my mother, has given me as much grace as you just did.”
Stephanie gave him a half smile. “Not many men would be willing to date a woman in my circumstances and be so supportive to boot.”
“Tit for tat?”
“Tit for tat. Do you need to stretch or should we leave? I’m feeling light-headed.”
“Let’s go get some dessert. How does The Cheesecake Factory sound?”
“Sounds wonderful as long as mine has chocolate. The baby has been asking for it.” She looked bashful, but Robbie laughed.
“Here we go with the cravings now? I’m in trouble.” Robbie smiled at Stephanie and saw her pale face. “Light-headed, you said?”
She nodded.
They sat there together on the rock until her color returned. When she was able to, they stood up and Robbie put his arm around Stephanie to hold her close as they made their way to the exit and the car. It felt good to have someone to care for who cared in return. He wondered if he was falling in love.
What a messy business that could prove to be.
SEVEN
Al empezar a llover, no hay más que abrir el paraguas.
If it starts raining, one has nothing left but to open up one´s umbrella.
~Mexican proverb
The next morning, Stephanie woke with a sense of dread. She was to meet with the adoption counselor. She kept hoping some miracle would occur and she could marry Roberto and keep the baby and experience a nice, happy, secure life. She realized she couldn’t rush a relationship that was new. To do so would be a mistake and lead to disaster. Still, her heart struggled and despaired over the choice she needed to make.
Salsa and Speedbumps Page 5
