“I appreciate how quick you are to understand this, Mr. Rodriguez. I’m disappointed in you. I had brought you on with the understanding that you were an upstanding young man of good Christian character.”
Roberto took his napkin and placed it by the half-eaten cup of soup. He drank some of his water and rose to stand and picked up his portfolio.
“I accept your congé, sir. It has been a pleasure doing business with your organization and I will continue to pray and support the fine work you do, but from a distance so as not tarnish your good reputation with what is perceived as my sinful actions.” He turned and walked back to the entrance. He ground his teeth and the tension in his neck traveled up to his head. The beginning of a monster headache. Robbie fished in his pocket for money and handed it to Stephanie. “Give this to Holly. It should more than cover my meal. I need to leave.” He gave her no other explanation. How could he tell her that he’d lost the ministry he desired most because he was falling in love with her?
* * *
Several men approached Roberto on Sunday after church. One by one, they challenged him on his supposed sin of getting his girlfriend pregnant. Hints of condemnation and veiled threats. He listened and didn’t defend himself. They wouldn’t believe any protestations of innocence. Someone had gotten her pregnant. Being blamed for Luis’s sin rankled him. By the time Stephanie had returned from connecting with some other friends, Robbie was in a foul mood.
“Hey, thanks for hanging around and waiting for me.”
“Hmph.”
“Did something happen? Is your back bothering you?” She placed a hand on his arm, and he took a deep breath to calm himself. The last thing he wanted was to take his frustration out on her. None of this was her fault.
“My back always hurts, but that’s not what’s bothering me, and no, I do not want to talk about it right now.” He glanced at her. He saw the hurt in her eyes. “I’m sorry. Shall we go get lunch? Where would you like to eat today?”
“How about we grab some fast food and head for a park? Or what about a trip to the zoo? Can you handle walking?”
“The picnic would be better. Shall we get something from Culvers?”
“Sounds good. I’ll go home and change into more comfortable attire for this heat—and meet you in the courtyard.”
Robbie smiled. “It’s a plan.” Maybe he could put this morning aside.
Tony came up beside Roberto. “Can I talk with you for a few minutes? In private?”
Robbie sighed. “Stephanie, you go on. I’ll call you when I’m home.”
Stephanie smiled and turned to leave. He resisted the urge to watch her walk away. He enjoyed any view of her.
Tony motioned Robbie to a table on the patio outside the café. He sat across from Roberto, a frown on his face and his hands folded on the table in front of him. “I’ve witnessed several guys from the Thursday night adult group come up to you this morning. The expression on your face caused me to suspect their words were not pleasant.”
“I’d rather not talk about it.”
“No, let me guess what happened and you tell me if I’m on track. All of these men at one point or other dated Stephanie. It’s obvious she’s pregnant and she’s been dating you. My guess is these men blame you for crossing a line they themselves were denied. They are jealous and also defensive of a woman they hold in affection. You have been labeled as a lowlife Hispanic who had his way and refuses to marry the girl.”
“Well, that is a much nicer way of putting it than many have. I lost my position on the board of Every Child a Home due to the same suspicion. Judged and convicted without trial. No one can do the math. I wasn’t acquainted with her when she conceived that baby. How quickly they forget Luis. One spick is as good as another to condemn I guess.” Robbie couldn’t hide the bitterness in his voice. A headache threatened.
“I don’t believe it’s your culture condemning you. Just circumstances.” Tony sighed. “I wish I knew how to help. Once people gossip, it’s hard to stop. Those who really know you recognize your integrity, and I think you need to stand in that, realizing you are clean before God. Joseph probably suffered some slander as well when Mary was pregnant. He got to be the father of Jesus.”
“Yeah, but he married the girl. I’ve not had an angel appear to me to make it clear that is the step I should take.”
“You’ve considered it?”
“All the time. I adore Steph, but I’m not good enough for her.”
“You’re too hard on yourself. Give Stephanie some credit. She’s smart. Luis snowed her to be sure, but you are not him. You’re the better man.”
“Even after what you witnessed last weekend?”
Tony smiled. “As men, we have too much pride sometimes, wanting to believe we don’t need the help of anyone else, much less a woman. Let me assure you, having a helpmate is worth giving up some of that ego for. The benefits can outweigh the risks. I won’t keep you from your date, but remember that I stand as your friend. If you ever need someone to talk to, I would be honored to listen.”
“I have a question. How do I forgive these people? I can forgive Mr. Bixby and the guys a little easier. I can understand their perspective even though they are wrong and never even asked for the truth but assumed they had it. But Luis? Time and again I try to pray, but his sin is hurting me too.”
A sigh escaped Tony. “I can’t begin to understand. I struggle with forgiving Luis as well. I guess we just keep asking God to help us with that.”
Tony stood and reached to place a light hand on Robbie’s shoulder. Robbie rose to his feet and reached out to shake hands. “Thanks, Tony. I really appreciate your words and support.”
“What are brothers in Christ for?”
TWELVE
Cada uno debe hacer frente a sus propias responsabilidades.
Each of us must face our own responsibilities.
~Mexican proverb
Stephanie struggled with what to wear on a hot summer July day. She wanted to look cute, and yet her stomach was definitely not flat anymore, and while she had some new maternity tops, they made her appear obviously, well, pregnant. She swallowed her pride and donned one anyway for comfort. She couldn’t hide it forever. Even this morning, she was sure people noticed her expanding waistline. She sighed as she ran her hand over her abdomen. She wouldn’t regret this life. She couldn’t.
She met Robbie in the courtyard, feeling self-conscious. Her pregnancy was like the elephant in the room because they hadn’t talked much about the baby.
“Hiya, beautiful.” He leaned forward to grasp her hand and kiss her on the cheek. “Shall we head out?”
“Yeah, that’d be good.”
He helped her into his car. They placed their order at Culvers and headed to the park not too far from their apartment and found a picnic table in the shade. Stephanie discovered that sitting at such a table was not as easy to do now with baby taking up space. She tried to eat her turkey sourdough bacon-lettuce-tomato sandwich with grace, but found sauce dripping on her top. Everything grew bigger during pregnancy. She wanted to cry. In frustration, she set her sandwich down and turned to the side to try to wipe away the mess, blinking back the tears.
“Stephanie?”
“What?” Her voice sounded sharper than she would have liked.
“What’s wrong? It’s just a spill, it happens. It will wash out, and if it doesn’t, I’ll gladly spring for a new top.”
“It’s not that. It’s this baby. It’s messing up everything. This”—she pointed to her belly—“is here and growing and I have so many decisions to make, and I just don’t know what to do.” She looked over at him.
“Have the women at church been mean?” There were grooves in his forehead and between his eyes. He cared. He understood.
She shrugged. “I get looks and innuendo. Tony and Renata and their extended family have provided a bit of a buffer. Why?”
Robbie shook his head. “Are you done eating?”
Stephanie
nodded. Roberto packed up the food and put it away in the bag. Once disposed, he grabbed his soda and hers and escorted her to a bench under a tree.
“Let’s talk. Well, how about you speak and I’ll listen. When you are done, it’ll be my turn.”
Stephanie sighed and slumped next to him. He reached an arm around to hold her to his side. For a time, she just sat there, enjoying the silence and the sense of security and peace she experienced in the shelter of his arms. The scent of his soap and sweat comforted her. He placed a kiss on her hair that curled from the humidity. He picked up some with his fingers and played with the long blonde locks. He remained silent. Waiting. She loved the attention. She wished she could just soak it up, but they needed to discuss this.
“I started looking at adoptive families. I like the idea of giving the child to Pastor Dan and his wife, Sharon. They’ve tried so hard to have kids and would be great parents. I think it would be hard to see my child week after week, growing and being loved by someone else and not being able to have any contact, or for that child to not know me. I realize there are more open adoptions, but I don’t think that would be fair to them. They might always fear I would change my mind and want the baby back. If I chose them, I think I would need to leave Orchard Hill. Or maybe even Wisconsin.”
“You would move out of state?” His hand released a curl.
“I’m praying about it. I got a job offer to manage the DeLuca’s Restaurant in Chicago. It’s a generous salary and I’d be closer to family, although that’s not necessarily a positive thing.” She laughed. “My visit Thursday bombed.” Stephanie shook her head. “No, I would live downtown near the restaurant, not in Mundelein with my parents. Distance would still be good.”
Robbie was silent. She heard him swallow. He drew her closer and rested his head against hers. Stephanie continued.
“The thing is, I like my job here. I love Orchard Hill Church, and I would hate to leave what we have together. Can I give that all up so my child might have a better life and I could move on?”
Robbie didn’t speak. Stephanie sat up and turned to face him. “Robbie, I used to believe this was my decision and mine alone, but I want you to have a voice in this, because it impacts you. You have been wonderful, accepting me almost as if there were no child between us. You show me Jesus that way. I can’t do this without you.”
Robbie sipped his soda and stared out at the playground nearby filled with small children and their parents. Her eyes followed his gaze and her heart skipped a beat. If she were married, it could be them sitting and watching their own kids run, laugh and play. Did Roberto even want kids? He was a natural with them from what she had seen. Her grief cut deep, and she blinked back tears.
“I’m not sure what to say, Steph. I’ve avoided expressing an opinion because I didn’t want to influence you. You are right that this baby impacts me. In the beginning, it didn’t matter so much. Now that you’re showing, people are talking and assigning blame to me for getting you in this condition.” He gave a harsh laugh and looked at her. “We haven’t even kissed much less anything else, and yet they assume we’ve been sleeping together because you’re pregnant. I hadn’t even moved to the State when you conceived, yet I’ve been judged a guilty, no-good loser for taking advantage of you. Mr. Bixby decided to let me go from the board because of my supposed lack of integrity.”
“Is that why you stormed out of the restaurant on Friday?”
Robbie nodded.
Stephanie continued, incensed, sitting upright. “How dare anyone assign you blame or say such things about you! You’ve been a gentleman, above reproach in every way. Guilty by association, huh?” She slumped against him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t anticipate that. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own shame I never expected it would contaminate you too.”
“Stephanie, it’s not your fault the assumptions others jump to and what they will choose to believe. Tony reminded me today that those who really know me know the truth. God knows the truth. I admit I am guilty of wanting to be the father of your child rather than Luis. For that I need to ask forgiveness. If I desire it in my heart it is the same as having committed the sin. Maybe I’m not the biological father. I may not have ever been intimate with you, but I’m still guilty of adultery. In that regard, everyone is unwittingly correct in their assessment.”
“You’re too hard on yourself. I’ll admit to being flattered that you wish you were the father. I wish you were too. But the question remains, what are we to do? None of my choices are pleasant or easy.”
“I can’t advise you, Stephanie. I’ll not abandon you. I will support you. I’ll listen. Beyond that, the decisions are still yours.”
“But aren’t we a ‘we?’”
“We are not engaged or married. I respect your independence. Luis tried to dominate you and I refuse to take that role. I love you too much not to trust your instincts or your ability to follow God in this. He will lead you.”
“So ultimately, I’m still alone?” Stephanie looked down at the hand she had placed on her stomach. She reached over to put his hand on her baby bump.
After some time, Stephanie glanced up at Robbie. “I can’t help but think of you as the father of this child. You have been the one walking with me through this pregnancy. I feel like it’s more yours than Luis’s.” She paused. “Speaking of Luis. He has a court date coming up and I’ve been asked to testify. I’m scared about that. Do I need a lawyer?”
“Might not be a bad idea to get legal counsel to help you prepare for the trial. I can’t do it as that would be a conflict of interest. I could refer you to some other partners in the firm. They are all qualified.”
“Thanks, that would help. I dread facing him, especially when it’s obvious I’m pregnant. I was kind of glad he had been apprehended. Because of that, the court date for the restraining order was cancelled.”
Robbie nodded and removed his hand back to the bench at his side. He straightened up, and she noted a grimace cross his face. Her heart ached for the pain she couldn’t understand or relate to.
“Is your back in pain?”
“Always.”
“Are the meds working?”
“Some. I’ve cut back and the pain returned.”
“Why reduce if it helped?”
“Pain is depressing, but the medications cloud my thinking. I’m not sure which is worse. Sometimes, I choose the pain instead.”
“Do you think that sometimes you choose pain as a way to hold back on life and embracing more of what God might have in store for you? Because it is known, even though uncomfortable, it’s safer than the world out there?”
“Are you saying I choose pain because it protects me and keeps me safe?” He turned toward her and frowned.
“I’m not sure. Does it? If you would choose the pain over the medication which would free you up to enjoy more of life, even with some depression as a side-effect, it almost seems like it’s either an excuse to avoid living or a punishment you inflict on yourself.”
Robbie leaned back and closed his eyes. “I never thought of it that way.”
“I care about you. Watching you last Sunday wasn’t easy.” She felt helpless now, as she did then.
“I’m sorry you had to witness that.”
“I’m glad I got to see how bad it gets. I prayed. I discovered how much I love you.”
“Yet you would leave me for a job with a great income in Chicago.”
Stephanie turned her face away. “It was an offer. It has some good points but some things I don’t feel comfortable with. I doubt I could leave. But how could I stay?”
“Choose a different family?”
“But what if God clearly points me to this one?”
“What if He wants you to keep the baby?”
“I don’t want to raise a baby as a single parent. I can’t afford day care on my salary, and I won’t get child support from Luis. I refuse to go on welfare and don’t qualify with my current job anyway. A baby needs a mother and a fat
her. You had that benefit as an adopted child. I made a big mistake in dating Luis and not listening when intuition or the Holy Spirit told me to break it off earlier, before he ra—I got pregnant. I don’t want my kid to suffer for the rest of his life because of it.”
“So single parents are not good parents?”
“Are you trying to be a devil’s advocate? That isn’t what I said. So many can’t help it and are stuck with that choice through death or divorce. There is a choice before me. I choose life and I can choose to give this child the best life through adoption.”
“Even when it tears your heart out to let your baby go?”
“Even then.”
“You were made to be a mom, you know. I saw you with the twins. You’re a natural.”
“Thanks. But what kind of mother would I get to be working sixty hours a week and rarely getting to see my child?”
“You think a mom should be home with her kids?”
“It’s what I want for my children. It’s what is best for me as a mother. Right now, that’s not possible. If that’s what I believe is ideal for my child, that’s the kind of family I need to find for him or her.”
“I agree.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, I do. If I married, I’d want my wife to stay home with the kids.”
“Did your mom?”
“Yeah, she did. She was always there for me, even in high school, when you would think a teen boy wouldn’t need his mother so much. But I did. She was great.”
“Are you still close to her?”
“Yeah. We talk every week, and she sends me cards and cookies. My dad’s health isn’t good, and I feel bad I can’t be there more for them. They live in St. Louis. Even if I were around, I wouldn’t be able to do much of the physical help they need. My sister is nearby, and she and her husband do what they can.”
“They must be proud of you and all you accomplished.”
“They are. My overdose wounded them. They believed they had failed me, but it was me who failed them.”
“But they forgave you and still love you.”
Salsa and Speedbumps Page 9
