Assuming the baby was really his, how could he have done such a thing?
Drinking too much was really no excuse. Alcohol didn’t fundamentally change a person’s character, and Zach sleeping with Janis? It went against everything he believed in. Worse, it had hurt Micah.
Brody snorted, shaking his head. “Whatever, Zach. We don’t all do stupid things. You managed to turn out all right. You always make the right choice, but I’m just a fuck-up, just like my old man. I—”
“Brody,” Zach snapped, cutting him off. “Stop it.”
Too harsh, but Brody’s blind faith in him was a little too much at the moment. The self-condemnation hitting a little too close to home.
Was Brody right, though?
Was there just no escaping one’s genes?
Sure, the circumstances may have been slightly different, but while Zach would like to believe he wasn’t his father, he’d already found far too much of John Pearce inside him, ever since Janis had sprung the news on him. A part of him wanted to be selfish. Didn’t want to be tied to Janis for the rest of his life. Wanted a future with Micah.
Precious had flinched away at his outburst, but now she whined softly, lying her still-wet head back down on his lap. Zach took a breath, letting it out slowly as he tried to get a grip. Petting her helped.
Precious looked up at him with her big brown eyes and licked his wrist, pressing closer. Forgiven. Brody, on the other hand, was staring at him like he’d grown a second head.
“You okay, Chief?”
“Sorry,” Zach said. Brody hadn’t come over for Zach to take out his frustrations on him; he was looking for help. Zach cleared his throat. “None of us always makes the right choice, Brody. And anger-management therapy is probably a good idea for you. I’m sure we can find you a—”
“Zach,” Brody interrupted. “Seriously, you doing okay? Uh, I didn’t mean to just barge in, it’s just, you know, that call this morning got me riled up. You know I don’t even care about the promotion, or even about a demotion, if it comes down to that, but an assault charge? That could mean I’m fucking out, you know? And what would I do with myself then? A dishonorable discharge would—” Brody snapped his mouth closed, stopping the tide of words and then eyeing Zach warily as he started over again. “But I mean, is everything good with you, Chief? You seem a little… off.”
Zach sighed. As much as he wanted to be there for Brody, his own problems were definitely a distraction today. He’d lost track of time while dealing with Precious, but a glance at the clock on the microwave told him that his problems were going to be more than just a distraction pretty soon. Janis would be showing up any minute.
“Yeah,” Zach said, feeling weary. He rubbed Precious behind the ears, then stood up, trying ineffectively to dry his wet hands against his even wetter shorts. “I guess you could say I’m feeling a little off. I’m… in love with Micah.”
“O-kay,” Brody said slowly, looking confused by the non sequitur. “Uh, so that’s a good thing, right? I mean, he seems pretty into you, too. I’m no expert on the love shit, Zach, but I mean… congratulations?”
Zach laughed despite himself, heading to the sink to wash the smell of wet dog off. That hadn’t been what he’d meant to say. If anyone would understand his need to make sure he didn’t repeat his own father’s mistakes, it would be Brody, and it might actually be a relief to talk it through with someone. But instead of telling Brody about Janis being pregnant, Zach had blurted out this other truth, the one he feared might turn him into exactly who he’d never wanted to be.
His father.
John Pearce’s failings hadn’t just included neglecting his own son or refusing to marry Zach’s mother, his worst offense had been that he’d been a selfish, self-centered bastard who’d always chosen to do whatever he wanted, regardless of who got hurt along the way. The man had always put his own wants and needs in front of everything else, and all week, Zach had been battling with the temptation to do the exact same thing.
He wanted Micah—hell, his heart insisted that he needed him—but if Zach put that first, Janis’s baby could suffer the same fate Zach had… and the thought of someone else having to grow up feeling as unwanted as Zach had as a child, hurt him almost as much as the idea of his future without Micah in it.
“You gonna make me work for it, Chief?” Brody asked, his eyes tracking Zach across the kitchen. “How is this love thing a problem? Because not gonna lie, you don’t look that happy about it. Isn’t that what you wanted?”
It was everything Zach had wanted.
“It’s not a problem,” he said firmly. Even if he had to end things with Micah, loving him was the opposite of a problem. It would always be a blessing Zach was grateful to have had. “The problem is my ex.”
“Oh, that narrows it down,” Brody said sarcastically, smirking at the look Zach threw him. “Just sayin’, Chief, there’ve been a few, right? Can’t blame me for not instantly catching on to which of your former fuck buddies we’re discussing here.”
Zach’s lips twitched, Brody’s irreverent teasing lightening his mood for the first time all week. But then he sighed, because the answer to Brody’s question was definitely a mood killer.
“Janis.”
“Yeah?” Brody asked, raising his eyebrows as he leaned across the counter and grabbed an apple out of the fruit bowl Zach kept there. “We talking about Cheating Bitch Janis?”
Zach laughed. “That’s one way to refer to her, yeah.” Then he sobered. They were talking about the mother of his unborn child. Jesus. Not something he’d ever considered having to say in relation to Janis. “She’s pregnant.”
“Huh,” Brody said, crunching into the apple.
“She says it’s mine.”
Brody burst out with a disbelieving laugh, spraying bits of apple over the counter.
“Sorry, Chief,” he said, hopping up and grabbing a paper towel to clean it up. “But… yours? What’s she smoking? Hasn’t it been like a year since you fucked her? Because we are talking the kind of pregnant that means the bun is still in the oven, right? She hasn’t suddenly sprung an actual kid on you?”
“Right,” Zach said, scrubbing a hand over his face as the brief moment of humor from earlier drained out of him. “No kid yet, but shit, Brody. If it is mine? I need to do right by it.”
“Of course you will,” Brody replied instantly. “The kid’s gonna be lucky to have you, Chief. Like, I get why you’re freaking out—makes me glad I only go for the D—but at the end of the day, you’re gonna be a great dad. You know that, right?”
Zach tried to smile, appreciating Brody’s faith in him. And it wasn’t that he hadn’t thought about having kids someday, but Christ, he’d imagined it happening so differently.
He hadn’t even noticed that Precious had finally crept out from under the table until he felt the warm, damp weight of her pressing against his legs, as if she’d somehow sensed that he could use someone to lean on for a second. Zach dropped a hand down to rest on top of her head, not sure if he was offering support or seeking it, but definitely glad she was there—water damage and all.
“Seriously,” Brody went on. “You’re like the jackpot of baby daddies, Chief. You sure That Cheating Bitch didn’t arrange for your little hookup just for that alone? Because just sayin’, I mean, no judgment, because I know it’s not my business, but you and Janis again? That’s… uh, surprising.”
“No, she couldn’t have planned this,” Zach said, his stomach roiling at the thought. It was exactly what his mother had done, but there was no way Janis could have known the state she’d find him in at the beach that night. In fact, even before that night, she’d been after him for a while about needing his help with… something.
He frowned.
Something she’d never actually talked to him about, had she? Or was that just another detail his memory had lost that night?
“So, what, is she hitting you up for child support and whatnot now?” Brody asked, interrupting t
hat train of thought.
Zach nodded, at least, he was hoping they’d start talking about those details when Janis came over that afternoon. It felt a little overwhelming, but like she’d said, the baby wasn’t going to wait around for the timing to be convenient.
“She doesn’t even have medical insurance at the moment,” he told Brody. “The baby deserves more than just money, though. It should have a father who will put its needs first and be a part of its life.”
“The way your dad never was, huh?”
“Right,” Zach said, feeling bleak.
“So… okay. I get it,” Brody said, drumming his fingers on the counter. “I mean, not get it—I sure as fuck could never handle a kid—but getting blindsided with a baby you weren’t expecting? I remember how it was for my sister when she first found out she was knocked up. Mel’s glad to have Lexi now, of course, but it was scary as fuck when she first found out.”
“I’m not… scared,” Zach said slowly, feeling the idea out. He wasn’t. The idea of being there for a kid, of giving someone the kind of life he hadn’t had, that was actually going to be the one blessing out of this. “But the idea of spending my whole life with Janis, marrying someone I don’t love and giving up what I’ve got with Micah—”
“Whoa, Chief,” Brody interrupted, holding up a hand. “Marrying her? Janis?”
Zach nodded. “I’ll have to put off medical school and reenlist to make sure she’s got prenatal care, but even after that, I can’t just walk away. The baby deserves to have an actual family.”
Brody stared at him. Then he stared some more. Then he shook his head.
“No.”
“No… what?” Zach asked.
“No, the baby does not deserve that kind of family. Are you fucking kidding me? Is Janis seriously asking you for that? Like, she thinks this is 19-fucking-50 or something? Unless you’re talking about the kind of temporarily-and-just-for-the-medical-insurance ‘family’ that I don’t think you mean, I call bullshit.”
Precious whined. Zach kind of wished he could, too.
“I can’t turn into my father, Brody,” he said instead. “I won’t.”
“Yeah, I feel you on that one, Chief, but from what you’ve said, your dad’s fuck-up was that he was a dumb fuck who didn’t care about you, it wasn’t not marrying your mom, and Zach… come on. You just don’t have it in you not to care, so why are we even talking about this?”
The weight Zach had been carrying around ever since his lunch with Janis felt like it was going to crush him. He wanted to buy into what Brody was saying—a part of him even suspected it might be true—but a larger part of him couldn’t see past the past. Couldn’t let himself justify doing what he wanted, when it felt like someone else would have to suffer for it if he did.
When Precious whined again, bumping against his leg and looking up at him with her big, dark eyes, he let out a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding, easing a little of the pressure. Janis had known exactly which of his buttons to push when she’d sprung the news on him, but even though he could see that, it didn’t change the fact that it worked. Zach just didn’t see a way forward that didn’t mean someone got hurt.
A knock sounded at the door.
“That’s going to be Janis,” Zach said, glancing at the clock. “Sorry, Brody, but I’m going to have to ask you to go.”
“Yeah, I’m definitely out,” Brody said, getting to his feet. But then he hesitated, “Look, Chief, we both know I’m the last person to give you advice on kids, right? They scare the shit out of me. But when I asked if you were okay, you didn’t start out talking about your soon-to-be daddy status, or about knocking up your ex, or even about your old man.”
A second knock sounded at the door, sending Precious diving back under the kitchen table, but when Zach made a move toward it, Brody grinned, blocking the exit.
“Nuh-uh. Listen, Chief. I get that you’re worried about all that other shit, but I’m gonna do you a solid and remind you that the first thing out of your mouth a few minutes ago was a cheeseball, romantic declaration about your boyfriend. So either Micah’s got the sweetest ass on the planet and you’re afraid your dick will fall off if you give it up, or you’ve really and truly gone and fallen in love, right?”
“Right,” Zach said, biting back a smile. The answer was definitely both.
“Mm-hmm,” Brody said, smirking. “I thought so. So, for real. Pull your head out of your ass. I have no doubt you’ll nail the kid thing, but love? It looks good on you. Don’t fuck it up.”
24
Micah
Micah wiped his sweaty hands on the sides of his pants. Telling Sam to leave had definitely been the right thing to do, right? Because even if Zach was taking forever to come to the door, his truck was in its usual parking spot, and Micah wasn’t going to let himself start doubting his plan of action now.
Although “plan” might be a bit of a stretch.
Micah bit his lip. Zach would say yes, right? Even though Micah still wasn’t entirely sure what to say to convince him?
He took a deep breath, doing his best to calm the nerves that kept trying to surge up inside him. Zach would say yes. Micah wasn’t going to let himself consider anything else, because Zach always did the right thing, and Sam had been right.
Zach loved him, and love was always the right thing to do.
Besides… hadn’t Zach sort of promised?
I’m always going to say yes to you.
And sure, Zach had said that post-sex, when everything was always lovely and perfect, but it had still felt real, and the memory calmed Micah’s jitters a bit.
At least, it did right up until the moment that the door finally opened.
The minute Micah saw Zach, all those nerves went a little crazy again, unleashing an entire legion of butterflies in his stomach as all the words he needed to say crowded into his mouth at once, tangling up there so that none could actually get out.
“Micah,” Zach said, looking sort of frozen, too.
“Did you know that a bunch of butterflies are actually called a kaleidoscope?” Micah blurted, pressing a hand against his stomach to try to settle it down. “I thought it would be called a flock, or maybe a herd… or a swarm? But it’s not. And it never made sense to me while I was blind, but now it does. Because of the colors, you know? All swirling together. And I’ve got that, right now. An entire kaleidoscope of butterflies in my stomach, because I’m not exactly nervous but maybe I also am, just a little bit?”
Zach was still staring at him in surprise, and Micah took a breath, trying to calm down enough to get to the point before he threw up or something.
“So, I’m not sure if you actually broke up with me last weekend or not, but if you did, I’m here to unbreak up with you,” Micah said, the kaleidoscope still wheeling frantically inside him. “I love you, Zach, and in case you were wondering, I like kids, too. And I think I might be like you said, about sparrows? And the mating for life thing? Because the idea of being without you doesn’t work for me. I just don’t want anyone el—mmph!”
One minute Zach had been standing there staring at him, and the next, Micah’s feet were off the ground and his back was pressed against something hard—the door?—and Zach was kissing him.
Inhaling him.
It worked wonders for finally calming the butterflies down.
The reassuring feel of Zach’s big, hard body—pressing against him so tightly that he could feel every beat of Zach’s heart—told Micah without words that he’d been right to trust in love. Zach’s answer was going to be yes, and the achingly familiar taste of him—greedy and hot and flavored with just a hint of desperation—told Micah that Zach had missed him, too.
Like, really missed him.
“Yeah, that’ll probably do for not fucking it up,” a non-Zach voice said, breaking through the haze of love-lust-relief Micah was feeling like a dash of cold water.
Micah’s eyes snapped open and he clutched at Zach’s shoulders, blu
shing with his whole body at the realization that they weren’t alone. Zach’s friend Brody O’Shay was standing there, smirking at the two of them… Zach didn’t seem to notice, though.
Or maybe he just didn’t care?
He still had Micah pinned against the door, was still kissing him with an intensity that made Micah feel like he was the center of Zach’s entire universe, but then the sound of Brody’s low laughter finally had Zach’s eyes opening, too.
He put Micah back down on his feet.
“Um, hi, Brody,” Micah said as Zach pulled him inside the apartment, his face still burning up. “I didn’t realize you were here.”
Brody grinned. “Hey, Micah. Finally decided to come get your man, huh?”
“Weren’t you about to leave, Brody?” Zach asked, sending a pointed look at the door as he wrapped an arm around Micah’s waist and tugged him close—probably a good thing, since the whole kissing part had made Micah’s knees a little wobbly.
“Well, I was,” Brody said, raising an eyebrow that seemed to be held together by two butterfly bandages. “But now I’m undecided. I mean, the entertainment here is pretty good, so…”
“Out,” Zach said, his dimples showing even though Micah could tell he was trying to look stern.
Brody laughed, but didn’t push it. Instead, he mumbled something under his breath about priorities, clapped Zach on the shoulder, and left.
Zach closed the door behind him, then turned back to Micah. “I’m really glad you came,” he said, pulling Micah back into his arms. “Can you say all that again, baby? I was a little distracted the first time.”
“Um,” Micah said, feeling pretty freaking distracted himself. “Not… at the moment.”
Zach’s hands were roaming up and down his back and his mouth was nuzzling against Micah’s neck and after six whole days of thinking he might never feel either of those things again, Micah was having a lot of trouble focusing past the wonderfulness of it all.
Looking For Love (Semper Fi, The Forever Faithful Series Book 2) Page 28
