by Lynn Burke
Someday, I told myself, setting to work on the carrots. Someday soon, I’ll tell the truth and fight my way back up to the top of the hill Gott would have me stand upon.
Chapter Fifteen
Bored to death and missing Dani, I spent Sunday morning fishing at the pond. The whirl of engines from the cars to the south reached me, but didn’t overpower the swishing of the reeds and rustling of tree leaves from the gentle breeze. Birds tweeted and flitted from branch to branch nearby, but I couldn’t find it within myself to be happy along with them.
Less than a day until I could steal a few minutes of Dani’s morning, but it seemed a lifetime away. I cast my line and worm, wondering if Dani had ever gone fishing. Nature and the rhythmic reeling usually soothed my mind. Did she have a hobby that did the same for her?
A fish nibbled, but decided it didn’t want a snack. I reeled in the rest of the way and cast once more.
Creaking and the jingle of harnesses sounded behind me, and I glanced beyond the house toward the driveway.
Mr. Lapp and Bishop Stoltzfus sat in an open carriage.
My stomach flipped. As commanded by Gott’s Holy Word, Mr. Lapp had stated the day before when he had come to me about my sin. I should have known he would return with a witness—also as the Bible commanded.
Absently, I ran a hand over my neck, knowing from studying the mark in the mirror earlier that morning that it had faded somewhat, the teeth marks less pronounced. I wanted to ignore the two men, pretend I hadn’t seen or heard them approaching, but the memory of a disapproving frown from Mamm had me gathering up my tackle and heading toward the house.
Keeping my shoulders back and standing tall, I strode toward them and forced a smile.
Bishop Stoltzfus hitched his horse to the rail in front of the house as we exchanged pleasantries. Mr. Lapp once more wouldn’t look me in the face.
“Would you like to come in for some coffee?” I asked, setting my tackle box on the steps and leaning my rod against the porch.
“No, but thank you,” the bishop said, closing the distance between us, his gaze flitting down to my neck. “We’ve come to discuss the mark on your neck, Abel.”
I stood straighter and squared my shoulders, blocking off the steps to my house. “Like I told Mr. Lapp yesterday, I scraped it when I fell off a ladder.”
Bishop Stoltzfus lifted his gaze, as unwavering as my own. Obvious disbelief lined his face and pursed his lips.
I held my silence although words wanted to pour from my lips, deepening the lie—and definitely make me appear guilty.
“Mr. Lapp told me that you were talking to an outsider last Monday morning.”
In my periphery, Mr. Lapp shifted on his feet, and I fought the urge to curl my hand into a fist. Tattletale, I wanted to toss his way like the twins so often had done. “No different than chatting with outsiders at the farmer’s market or the furniture store,” I replied, my voice relaxed and easy-going.
The bishop inhaled a deep breath and slowly let it out, his brow furrowed as he peered at me. “You’re well aware of the steps we must take when one in our community chooses to live in sin,” he finally said.
Although I had been living in sin, his assured comment curled the fist I had been fighting off. Warmth flushed through my face, but I held tight to my self-control and remained peaceful. “I do know how we’re to go about confronting someone living in sin, but you’re wrong in your assumption about me.”
Again, his lips pursed. He replaced his hat. “I would ask that you consider your vows to Gott made before the church when you were eighteen, Abel. Consider the memory of your parents and how you’ve chosen to honor them in your decision. Please don’t make us take this situation before the church.”
The muscle in my jaw jumped as my mind conjured up memories of Eli leaving the community. He had been arrogant and unmoved by the community’s coldness toward him when he left us, but the thought of what my parents would think, how they would feel about such a thing happening to me, knifed my gut.
I dipped my head in acknowledgment of having heard—but nothing else. “Thank you for the visit, but I’ve got to get some work done.”
Both men replaced their hats and turned toward the buggy.
Without waiting for them to leave, I entered the house and shut the door behind me. My breath left in a rush as I leaned against the door, eyes closing. Neither man was convinced of my innocence—as they shouldn’t have been, considering the obvious teeth marks on my neck.
I saw myself standing before the church as Bishop Stoltzfus uncovered my sins for the entire congregation to hear and make judgment upon. I thought of my parents and how they would feel sitting in the fold, hearing of the filthy things I had done and thought about.
The knife-like feeling twisted in my stomach, spreading an ache up through my chest. Anger dissipated, and I squeezed my eyes shut as my throat tightened and fists loosened at my sides.
Daed and Mamm wouldn’t be mad. Pain and disappointment would fill their eyes as they peered at me, their hearts crushed by my choices.
I swallowed, but a tear slipped between my eyelids and ran down my cheek.
I’m so sorry.
The words rang in my head over and over as the old, suppressed grief rose and more tears fell. I slid down to the floor and buried my face in my hands as sobs shook my shoulders. A disappointment, I told myself, to the ones who had loved me the most. I dishonored their memories by my choices, and couldn’t begin to imagine their heartache over how I had been living my life since they’d been taken from me.
What else needed to happen before I chose to repent and live a righteous life in the sight of Gott and man? Who else would Gott take from me?
Dani. Eli. The only two I had left.
The thought of Gott taking either of their lives to punish me sent raw fear ripping through my body.
Please, Gott, I’m sorry. Please don’t punish them for my sins.
I continued my supplication while on my knees, the tears still falling as my buried grief rose up to choke me.
All the pain and loneliness crashed into me, trying to crush my soul.
****
I dreamed of Naomi that night. She didn’t speak a word, only stared at me with sadness and disappointment in her eyes. The memory of her telling me I was a gut, Gott-fearing man whispered in my mind, waking me in the pre-dawn darkness.
Staring at my ceiling, my curtains rustling with the wind, I tried to reason away the fear still gnawing at my stomach. I had never found peace with Gott for taking my family from me for my sinful ways—regardless of those who had told me countless times He had done no such thing.
I clenched my jaw against the burning in my chest, the desire to rant and rave, the need to allow my emotions freedom to express.
Stoic. Reserved. Both of which a gut Amish man ought to be.
Releasing a pent up sigh, I flopped onto my stomach and punched at my pillow, trying to get comfortable.
The second I closed my eyes, I saw Naomi’s face again—but the bruised, unrecognizable one from the sterile hospital room. Heaviness settled in my limbs as a cold shiver swept over me. Fighting off the sudden ache in my chest and tightness in my throat proved ineffective. Hot tears dropped off the end of my nose to my pillow.
No more, I vowed. No more watching and waiting for Dani on the bike trail. My obsession wouldn’t allow a simple friendship. It would be best to avoid her altogether and submerge myself in the Bible and community.
Emptiness took up residence in my heart, and rather than focus on the depression I expected would creep into my mind, I hauled my ass out of bed and made for the coffee pot. Working in the wood shop always kept my mind occupied. Best to focus on what needed to be done.
Once the cows ceased their bellowing and I had stored the fresh milk in the refrigerator, I strode back to the woodshop, keeping my gaze focused on the door rather than wandering southward. I started up the diesel engine, the loud whirl doing little to drown my longing for Dani.
&
nbsp; Mr. Lapp and Matthew never showed up—not that I had really expected them to. What Amish man would want his young, impressionable nephew working alongside a sinner like me?
I needed to make things right, but the thought of standing before the church and uncovering all of my sins…
They would want to excommunicate me regardless of my repentance. No plain woman would want me after learning the truth of my sick desires. No father or mother would allow their daughters near me, let alone agree to any courtship I might decide upon.
I left the workshop long after darkness fell, stretching my neck side to side and trying to ease some of the tension in my shoulders. My stomach growled, but I didn’t have the energy or desire to cook. Three sandwiches filled the void, and I settled on Daed’s hickory rocker, the propane lamp beside me throwing off more heat than was comfortable.
Smooth and worn, the cover of the Bible fit in my hand, and I settled it onto my lap. Rustling through a few pages, I came upon Acts and remembered hearing a verse about repentance. Three, nineteen.
“Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord…” I mumbled the words out loud, considering them deep within my mind.
What was the difference between being sorry and actual repentance? I had begged Gott for forgiveness countless times, but never experienced any type of promised refreshing. Perhaps coming clean before the congregation would bring about the peace and contentment I had only found with Dani.
“Sunday morning, then,” I told myself, shutting the Bible. I would stand before the church and tell them I had sinned against Gott—turned my back on the Ordnung. I hoped such a confession would suffice, for I had no intention of going into unnecessary details that would without a doubt ruin whatever lonely future life I might find within the community.
Chapter Sixteen
Thursday morning, a tingle ran down my spine as I ate my oatmeal, drawing my gaze to the kitchen window. Without thought, I found myself moving across the room.
Dani stood on the bike trail in the distance, facing my farm. I felt as though a sledgehammer smashed into my chest, knocking the breath from my lungs. My heart raced, palms grew damp, but I didn’t move. I had made up my mind.
Fists clenched at my sides and jaw aching from clenching it so damn hard, I stared at the woman in the distance. A painful hard-on pressed against my trousers, and need for her like I had never experienced before tensed every muscle in my body.
I wanted to sprint across the field to her. Pull her into my arms and inhale her flowery scent. Kiss her lips and breathe in her exhale, deep into my lungs.
Slowly, so damn slowly, she started back toward town, walking as though on deadened legs. Did she think something had happened to me?
“Fuck.” I clenched my eyes shut as she moved from sight. My cock throbbed—leaked with abandon. Rather than grab hold of my hard-on and jerk myself off all over the kitchen floor, I recited verses about purity and abstaining from evil. I focused on the fiery inferno of hell, and the eternity ahead of me if I pursued the lusts of my flesh.
It was some time before I moved back to the table to finish my cold oatmeal, my mind troubled over the fact that Dani might be in turmoil.
****
Friday morning, I again felt the tug of Dani’s presence to the south, but I didn’t allow myself a peek out the windows.
Hours later, I sat in Daed’s rocker as I did every night, but couldn’t focus on the Bible on my lap as I continued to worry about Dani.
I owe her an explanation.
But seeing her face to face would prove too much of a temptation. I rifled through Mamm’s unused desk and found a few sheets of paper. Pencil in hand, I stared at the lined pages. Everything I considered writing in explanation sounded like a lame excuse, a lousy way to break up with a woman as Eli had done on many occasions.
I sat and listened to the clock tick two hours away without making a single mark on the paper as I replayed every minute of our time together. A thunderstorm rumbled in the distance, and hard and aching, I finally gave up on the decision to write Dani a letter.
I crawled into bed and stared at the ceiling as lightning split the sky. The seconds between the flashes of light and rumbling thunder lessened, growing more urgent and loud with each crash.
I wanted both lives. The one honoring my parents, the one where I was free to be a man in the world beside Dani where I felt I belonged—but knew I didn’t.
The storm outside of my window matched the one inside of my mind. Break things off with Dani warred with tasting her skin one last time. One final memory to plant in my brain for the future I had chosen—and needed to content myself with.
I pressed my palms against my eyes, a growl growing in my throat.
Sin and face eternal damnation. Submerge myself in her sweetness, in the peace and contentment I had only been able to find in her presence. Confess my sins before the congregation.
Opening my eyes to another flash of lightning, the burning need for Dani raced through me and overran my fear. I would endure whatever damnation Gott threw my way in order to touch her again.
Fuck it.
I leapt out of bed and yanked my clothes back on.
Celibate for a week, I had been dealing with a hard-on pretty much non-stop the entire day. Tugging up my trousers brought another curse upward. Bending over to tug on my boots was a joke. Still muttering curses, I stalked out the door into the night, my cock leading the way.
Rain slashed sideways, pelting me and soaking me through before I made it halfway across the field. Lightning flashed across the sky, bright as a sun-filled afternoon, shots of illumination in a dark, smothered world.
I tossed my bike over the fence without hesitation and climbed over as another crash of thunder boomed overhead. My heart wanted to explode in my chest, and I had thought the last bike ride to Dani’s had proven torturous with a hard-on. Scowling, I pedaled like hell those two miles through gusts of wind and rain, my focus on Dani’s skin, the taste of her pussy.
The house stood dark, no light shining down on the yellow door, but I strode across the back yard anyway. My consuming need lifted my hand and I knocked, not giving a shit if I would wake her up.
I knocked a second time, louder and more insistent.
The overhead light flipped on, and the curtain in the window stirred. With a click and twist of the knob, the door flew open.
I didn’t give Dani time to speak, but stepped over the threshold and grabbed her waist and hair, yanking her against me. Crushing my mouth to hers thrummed the blood in my veins, and I swept my tongue into her mouth, needing her taste, her breath.
She melted into my arms, her hands tangling in my hair and yanking hard as she bit my bottom lip. “I knew you would come to me tonight,” she whispered against my lips before biting me again.
I kicked the door shut behind me and yanked off my suspenders without breaking our kiss. As though starved and Dani my sustenance, I devoured her mouth, tasting every part I could reach with my probing tongue. A flick of my fingers released the clasp on my trousers, and I pulled Dani up into my arms.
She wrapped her legs around me, and I turned, slamming her back against the door. Reaching between us, I found her pantiless and soaked, her folds swollen and slick.
“So perfect,” I groaned against her mouth and thrust hard and fast into her heat.
“Abel!” Dani ripped her mouth from mine and arched her back, offering her neck as I ground my hips against her. “Harder,” she panted and bit her lower lip.
My mind lost to the need raging through me, I slammed into her over and over again, her whimpers spurring me on as I held her tight against the door.
“Look at me,” I growled the command, and Dani lifted her head. Green eyes hazed with passion appeared beneath half-mast lids. We stared into each other’s eyes as I fucked her. Every thrust brought a moan or gasp, every grind of my pelvis against her clit a hitched breath.
“I want you to come hard around me, Red. Squeeze me. Pull my cum deep into your sweet cunt.”
Dani’s breath caught, and I captured her mouth again, her body shuddering in my arms as her muscles clamped down around my cock. My hips moved with abandon, retreating and thrusting as her cum dripped off my balls.
Forget tingles. My climax rushed through my body, and I shouted with the booming thunder as I exploded deep inside her pulsing heat.
Dani clung to me, gasping for breath as my hips slowed and I leaned against her, my face burrowed in her neck.
No words. None.
I didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to slip from the perfection of Dani’s body. I didn’t want the chill of the rain still soaking my body to settle in.
Squeezing her tight against me, I allowed a heavy shudder to ripple down through me on a sigh.
Her fingers disentangled from my hair, and she pulled my head up. We peered at each other again as another flash of lightning lit the entryway.
“You’re my peace.” I swept my lips across hers. “My only joy.”
She pressed her lips against mine. “Take me upstairs and fuck me again.”
My hands palming her ass and holding her against me, I kicked off my boots and trousers. I stumbled through the dark, finding my way to the stairs between stolen kisses, her pussy muscles squeezing in time with my footsteps, quickly making my semi hard again.
I flicked on her bedroom light and laid her on the bed. Pulling out of her tight cunt furrowed my brow, and I tore off my shirt, uncaring of the stray button pinging off the wall. Dani scooted back on the bed, pulling her T-shirt off and tossing it aside. She reached for me, desire and a deeper emotion in her eyes I didn’t understand—but felt deep inside my chest.
My cock strained for her, coated in both of our cum, but I glanced at the bed stand.
“Drawer,” Dani said as if reading my mind.
I yanked open the drawer and pulled out the lube. “On your knees, Red.”
With a saucy smirk, she flipped over and drew her knees up, raising her ass high in the air. She wiggled back and forth while pressing her chest against the mattress. “Fuck my ass, Abel Beiler. Fuck me hard and deep.”
