by Lucy Vine
I’m not saying that’s how the world should be. Obviously it would be a better place if we could look at each other more, and be kinder, but we are flawed human beings. And it does mean that whatever happens in my life only has to matter to me. I can focus on myself without fear of being thought of as a bad person. And whatever happens in my life now – whether I get back with Will, whether I get a promotion at Quiz Monsters, whether Fuddy-Duddies United takes off – I am excited about all of it. I love my work, I love my friends – I even love pretending to have a perfect life on Instagram. It’s all part of who and what I am. And that’s cool.
Next to me, Joely knocks over her glass and swears loudly.
‘Sorry about your carpet, Lil,’ she says, but I’m not worried about it. It’s only a little prosecco. I fill her glass back up and she asks me if we should make a toast.
‘To weddings!’ I say, and we clink our glasses.
Wedding Number Thirteen (lucky for some): Lauren and Charlie, Elvis’ Lagoon, Vegas
Theme: Everyone-can-back-off-this-is-about-us theme.
Menu: Chips and curry sauce, apparently.
Gift: A cheerful Skype congrats.
Gossip: Lauren claimed their Elvis officiant was flirting with her, but then Charlie admitted the dude tried to kiss him in the loos at the end of the night.
My bank balance: £62. YES, I AM BACK IN THE BLACK, THANKS TO A CONSOLIDATING LOAN. THIS WILL LAST ABOUT EIGHTY SECONDS. Oh, my rent just came out, never mind.
From: [email protected]
To: 10+ contacts in your address book
Date: 22 December
Hello awesome human beings!
I just wanted to say I’m sorry I didn’t get to see you at Lauren’s wedding after all, but I’m excited to see you at the elopement party in April! We’re about to get stuck into helping Lauren organise that, so wish me luck. I think it’s going to be pretty massive!
Thanks again for the best hen do ever. You guys were all wonderful.
Merry Christmas!
Love Lilah, AKA Todd Wilkins
Xx
From: [email protected]
To: You
Cc: 30+
Hey Lilah,
Katie Jacks here!!!! Nice to E-MEET YOU! Lol lol lol.
Thanks for the email, how exciting!!! I’d soooo love to come, just checking what dates you reckon the hen will be????
Thank you soooooooo much, can’t wait!!!!!
Katie xxxxxxxx
From: [email protected]
To: You
Cc: 30+
Hey Lilah,
Katie Jacks here!!!! Nice to E-MEET YOU! Lol lol lol.
Thanks for the email, how exciting!!! I’d soooo love to come, just checking what dates you reckon the hen will be????
Thank you soooooooo much, can’t wait!!!!!
Katie xxxxxxxx
From: [email protected]
To: You
Cc: 30+
Hey Lilah,
Katie Jacks here!!!! Nice to E-MEET YOU! Lol lol lol.
Thanks for the email, how exciting!!! I’d soooo love to come, just checking what dates you reckon the hen will be????
Thank you soooooooo much, can’t wait!!!!!
Katie xxxxxxxx
Where are they now?
Shiny Naked Man AKA Stanley Morris
Stanley decided to quit his work as a Butler in the Buff after a heart-to-heart with a ‘weird’ maid of honour he met recently in Marbella. He thinks her name was ‘Delilah’, but he doesn’t think that can be right because who’s called Delilah in this day and age? He is currently living with an older woman called Jill and is training to be a world-class heart surgeon.
Flora Ives
Flora decided that, yes, she would help her boyfriend spray tan his balls. They are both pleased with how it turned out and would recommend it to anyone thinking about doing it.
Rex Powers
Rex was recently scarred in a terrible chest-waxing accident and is suing the beautician who did it. He says he will never be contoured in the same way again, but his pores remain magnificent. His show Quiz Monsters continues to pull in impressive ratings despite his chest problems.
Petra Mooney
Shortly after attending a wedding in Scotland with some old school friends, Petra got caught up in an unfortunate incident at her local zoo. A pack of hyenas got loose and stampeded, and no one realised she was trapped in the middle of it all, because her cries for help sounded uncannily like a hyena mating call. Luckily the animals adopted her as one of their own and she was eventually rescued, three days later. She says the incident ‘changed’ her, and she has finally become a better person who cares about others and values the milk of human kindness. Oh, she’s also getting divorced because Richard caught her getting off with his second cousin.
Tom Jones Fox
Delilah’s brother is still living in his ‘urban commune’ but has recently become a much more active and involved member of the family. He says it’s because his big sister gave him a kick up the arse, and he finds her to be much less ‘boring’ these days. In fact, he says he likes to ‘wind her up’ because she gets so cross now. Tom confirms that during his last visit she put him in a headlock.
Tom Jones
He remains a very popular Welsh singer with incredible hair.
Fiona (TBC)
It turns out the staff member at the spa is not called Fiona, she’s called Natalie, and yes, she’s still working there. She was recently promoted to deputy manager and is having a baby with her line manager, Darren. He hasn’t told his wife yet, but all of Natalie’s friends say they’re sure he’ll do the right thing.
Alice and Harry Fox
Their romantic reunion lasted three whole months before Harry caught Alice selling some of his old Tom Jones records to her ex-lover, Jack the gardener. He said it was a deal-breaker and wrote a really long update on Facebook about betrayal and loyalty. Seven people liked it. They later reunited but they’re still fighting a lot. They often ring their son, Tom, to bitch.
Joely Bolt
Instagram recently had a crackdown on spam bots and Joely lost 300,000 of her followers overnight. She’s really upset about it and doesn’t want to talk right now. Come see her again on Friday night after she’s had a few drinks. According to the MailOnline, though, Joely recently eloped with Calum Best, leaving her boyfriend David Walliams devastated. The marriage was annulled shortly afterwards and she’s currently dating a non-celebrity teenager she met at a wedding last summer.
Lauren Bolt-Sweets
Lauren is in the process of looking for a part-time job in a pub to supplement her income, as she now owes her parents a ‘significant sum’ of money. Despite this, she and Charlie say they are very happy with their decision to elope. They regularly exchange emails with the Elvis who married them, and are hoping to visit again next year. Lauren is still writing adverts for tampons. Her latest innovation is to stop using blue liquid, because ‘what the cock is that? Who is bleeding blue water?’
Simone Sweets
Charlie’s younger sister is currently serving four years in a Nigerian prison for fraud charges, after she flew out to meet a ‘prince’ she encountered online. She was carrying £50,000 in a carry-on bag and, after a lengthy trial, she was locked away – mostly for her own good.
Katie Jacks
She still doesn’t know how to work her fucking email.
Oliver Canid
Mr Canid has been taking improv classes in order to ‘better develop his sense of humour’. He says it’s going really well and he’s considering a new side-line in stand-up comedy. His friends and sister, Annie, are all very emphatic that he should not do that. He’s hoping the development of his personality will be enough to persuade Lilah Fox to go out with hi
m on a date one day.
Dean Clark
Dean never did get those period stains out of his white jeans and his mum went mad at him about them because they were brand new from Burtons.
Will Hunt
Will quit his job and went travelling on his own. He grew his hair long and says the whole thing has been a life-changing experience. He still wants Lilah back, but he’s happy to settle for being friends right now. He hates Oliver Canid.
Will’s friend Daniel
He still sends people the thumbs up emoji and it really riles everyone up.
Sam
Sam just got a new job as a researcher at Good Morning Britain. She says Susanna Reid is a delight but that Piers Morgan is utter dog shit. Worse than Rex Powers.
Andrea
Andrea is on Guardian Soulmates and if you know anyone she might be right for, she is up for blind dates. She would also like you to sponsor her for the 1.5 km walk she’s doing next summer.
Franny Fox
Granny Franny has recently been recruited as a regular on Quiz Monsters. Her specialist subject is the Kardashians and she’s currently ‘actively pursuing’ Rex Powers as Husband Number Five. She says he reminds her of a young Tony Robinson with the spunk of a blue-haired Kylie Jenner. She’s delighted with the new FU building and loves telling everyone how she single-handedly saved the club.
Molly
Molly recently received a parking ticket through the post thanks to a mobility scooter left abandoned outside the council offices last October without a permit. She seemed OK about it, but it’s hard to tell because she recently had her tear ducts fixed and no one can tell how angry she is anymore. She still likes talking about fields.
Delilah Fox
Lilah was recently made series producer on Quiz Monsters. She’s really enjoying it and is still having lunch with her grandma every day. She continues to attend the FU, and her latest youth outreach project has been picked up by branches around the UK. She’s also getting kind of chubby again and she quite likes it.
She’s still pronouncing Mr Canid’s name wrong.
Acknowledgements
OK guys, bear with me here because I’m still in shock that this book thing is happening at all – never mind writing thank yous for my second novel in a year (pause for applause). The first people I should toast – given the subject of What Fresh Hell – are all my brides. You have never been any bother at all, I swear, and I truly loved being a bridesmaid for each and every one of you. So, thank you Lisa, Alysia, Lyndsey, Kate, Liz, Carey, Clair and Sarah. All of your weddings were my favourites.
Probably more importantly (though what’s more important than a bride?) I would also like to raise a glass to my incredible publishers, Orion. You have been the best possible set of humans I could have asked for throughout all of this, and I’m so happy I get to keep working for you (this is a written contract and you are hereby agreeing to let me keep writing novels for you until the end of time). Thank you x a million to my clever, insightful editor Clare Hey. Sorry for that time I said I would have sex with your dad. Thank you to the dazzling and award-winning (pause for applause) Elaine Egan, you are my hero in all things. Thank you to Laura Swainbank, who has taught me that GIFs are everything. Thank you to Olivia Barber, Harriet Bourton, Jen Breslin, Krystyna Kujawinska, Hannah Goodman, Paul Stark, Mark Stay, Georgina Cutler, Loulou Clark and everyone else amazing who has worked so hard on this. And mega thank you to Katie Seaman, for y’know, everything. Also thanks to Jeremy Vine, just because I’m trying really hard to make everyone think we’re related.
Thank you to my fabulous agent, Diana Beaumont, who is as cool as her name suggests. I will never stop being obsessed with you and occasionally trying to lie in your lap. Thanks also to Luke Speed and Guy Herbert, whose laps I have been nowhere near.
Shout out to all my future bridesmaids for when I marry myself: Lynds H-D, Sarah C-A, Clair G, Jo U, Kate D, Katie H, Abi D, Shelly H, Daisy B, Angela C, Daniel K, Kate H, Emily S, Carey B, Becky V, Emma L, Kate W, Issy S, Rhiannon E, Emily P, Kelly A, Zoe B, Lynn R, as well as Lollipop, Tizz, and Boo. And thanks to Sam, who explained what a TV producer is and why that makes him special even though he’s not. And a massive thank you to all my family, especially my mum, who made me a lot of food while I was writing this and is probably definitely one of the best people on the planet.
That’s it.
Dude, why are you still reading this? It got boring three paragraphs ago.
About the Author
Lucy Vine is a freelance journalist based in London, who regularly writes and edits for the likes of Grazia, Heat, Cosmo, Stylist and Marie Claire. She also writes a weekly newsy column for Grazia Daily. Her debut Hot Mess was an eBook Number One bestseller.
Follow her on Twitter @Lecv
Also by Lucy Vine
Hot Mess
Copyright
AN ORION EBOOK
First published in Great Britain in 2018 by Orion Books
Ebook first published in 2018 by Orion Books
Copyright © Lucy Vine 2018
The right of Lucy Vine to be identified as the author
of this work has been asserted in accordance with the
Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted in any form or by any means, without the prior permission in writing of the publisher, nor to be otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published without a similar condition, including this condition, being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.
All the characters in this book are fictitious,
1 any resemblance to actual persons, living
or dead, is purely coincidental.
A CIP catalogue record for this book
is available from the British Library.
ISBN: 978 1 4091 7223 9
The Orion Publishing Group Ltd
Carmelite House, 50 Victoria Embankment
London EC4Y 0DZ
An Hachette UK company
www.orionbooks.co.uk
