by L B Pavlov
“So I don’t have to go back to school?” I asked her.
“Not if you don’t want to,” she said, and she stroked my cheek.
I closed my eyes because her touch made me feel like I wasn’t alone at that moment. “Lenora, I don’t want to go back. Daniel doesn’t love me anymore. He doesn’t want to be with me. He was with someone else. I can’t ever go back,” I said as the tears started to stream down my face.
“Charlotte, I know that Daniel loves you. Anyone who knows you both could never believe that he didn’t love you, but maybe for right now, you both just need to be on your own. But never doubt that he loves you, OK?” she said sweetly, looking into my eyes.
She fed me some more soup, and I ate a homemade biscuit. I pulled myself out of bed and got dressed for my run. When I pulled my hair into a ponytail I was surprised by the reflection in the mirror. I looked pale and tired, but I didn’t care. My eyes were puffy from crying, and I had dark circles under both eyes. I was glad that I didn’t have to go back to school.
I walked downstairs and through the kitchen and into the workout room. My dad brought in a bottle of water and handed it to me. “Thank you,” I said apathetically, and I turned and stepped onto the treadmill as he walked out of the room.
I ran twelve miles, and it seemed to go by extremely fast. I had only planned on running eight miles, but once I got going, I lost track of time. I had so many distractions to keep my mind occupied.
I replayed the conversation with Daniel. I just couldn’t comprehend it. He had slept with Crystal Bryant when he went out with his friends for his birthday. That was the only night that we hadn’t spent together in months. The next night we went out on the boat, and I had packed a picnic. We had had the most romantic night. He had told me that he loved me so many times. Why would he do that after he had cheated on me? I thought about everything that he had done for me with the prom dress. Why would he go to such an effort if he wanted to be with someone else? I didn’t understand any of it. First he applied to Stanford because he couldn’t be away from me, but when he didn’t get in, he cheated on me?
I replayed so many conversations of me asking him if he was OK with the fact that I wasn’t ready to have sex. He never pressured me. He never made me feel like it was too difficult for him. But I guess if he was having sex on the side, it probably wasn’t difficult. The thought made me physically ill. I couldn’t stand the idea of someone else touching Daniel. I couldn’t stand the idea of someone kissing his perfect lips. But Crystal did. And maybe the truth was that Daniel just didn’t love me that way. Maybe he only wanted to be friends, and he never really wanted me.
I turned off the treadmill right at that moment and lay down on the floor next to it. I started to sob. I couldn’t stop. How could I want him so bad, and he not want me at all, I thought. I could never have considered being with someone else. Never. All I thought of was Daniel. My heart hurt. I was so tired. I pulled myself off the ground, and I wiped my eyes and calmed my breathing. I had such a horrible headache.
I walked upstairs and took a shower. Lenora had called up to see if I wanted something to eat. I told her that I wasn’t feeling well, and I climbed back into bed. Once I was l in bed, I thought back to prom night and how it felt to sleep in Daniel’s arms.
I missed his touch, I missed his voice, I missed his smell, I missed everything. And it had only been a few days. I climbed out of bed and got my Charlotte’s Web CD. I put on my headset, and I listened to his voice, which made me cry some more, and I fell asleep.
I woke up the next day to sunlight shining in my face. Lenora was in my room packing up boxes. I sat up. My head was pounding. My heart hurt even more today than it had yesterday, which I didn’t think possible.
“What time is it?” I asked quietly.
“It’s almost noon,” she said, and she walked over to me and sat on the bed.
“I know you’re sad. I know you’re hurting. But you have to eat or you’ll get sick, Charlotte,” she said in her motherly voice.
I tried to talk, but the tears came right away. “I don’t feel well, Lenora. I’m not hungry,” I said as she hugged me tightly.
I had never, ever cried this much in my life. I was sad to the core. Nothing felt right. I was leaving in a few days, and my whole world had just been turned upside down. All I wanted to do was sleep.
“I know you don’t feel well, but you have to eat if you want to run. You don’t have to eat a lot, but will you try for me? I will make you anything you want,” she said, smiling.
Lenora was hard to turn down. She was so genuine and kind. Plus, I had caused her to cry so much lately that the least I could do was agree to her simple request.
“I will try. How about tea and toast?” I said softly.
“That’s a start,” she said, smiling.
“What are you packing?” I asked, looking at the boxes.
“Well, I picked up some new bedding, towels, and toiletries for you. I have packed up most of your clothing, and we will put the rest in a suitcase,” she said proudly.
“Thanks for taking care of everything, Lenora. I can’t believe that I’m leaving Sunday,” I said, my voice quivering.
“I know, my love, it’s a lot to take in,” she replied, and she went to get the tea and toast.
I sat on my window seat to see if I would feel better out of bed. I looked out the window, and I stared at Daniel’s house. Tears were streaming down my face once again. I looked at the spot where our tree used to stand. It was bare.
I closed the blinds and the curtains. I couldn’t look at his house, his driveway where his truck would be parked after school, the street in between our houses where we would meet for our runs. Every part of my body ached. I felt so nauseated; my head was pounding, and I pressed my hand to my heart to see if it was still beating. I truly believed that it would stop beating at any moment without him.
I climbed back into bed. Lenora brought up the tea and toast, and I ate as much as I could, which consisted of a few bites. I thanked her and explained that I needed to lay down for a little bit. Looking out the window had brought everything back up for me again. Maybe it was good that I was leaving. Maybe that would be better for me.
I wondered if he was eating lunch with Crystal now. Would he bring her home to Grace and Tom? Did he love her? I never asked any of those questions when he told me because I was caught off-guard. Maybe it was better that I didn’t know the answers.
I put on my headset so that I could hear his voice. I drifted off to sleep. In my dream Daniel was swinging me around and laughing. I saw his beautiful green eyes, and his perfect lips were pressed against mine. When someone shook me out of my dream, I wasn’t happy. It was my father.
“Charlotte, you need to eat dinner,” he said.
Damn him. I started to cry when I sat up because I realized that I had been dreaming. It seemed so real. I was no longer sobbing; I didn’t have anything left in me—just lots of tears would stream down my face, and I had a lump in my throat. I wiped my face.
“I’m not hungry, Dad, but I will run, OK?” I said in a hoarse voice. My throat was dry. My heart was aching.
“I told Coach Little you had a bug, and he said to take a few days off. You can run when you get to California, OK? But I still want you to eat.” I recognized his voice. There was a hint of my father in there.
“Thanks. I will eat something, I’m just really tired, Dad,” I said, and when he looked at me, there was sadness in his eyes.
“Charlotte, I know it hurts to get your heart broken, but you and Daniel are very young. You will be fine in a few days,” he said.
I wasn’t sure whom he was trying to convince, himself or me?
“Dad, I will never be fine. I will never love anyone like I love Daniel. And no one will ever love me the way that he did. But I will go to Stanford. And I will try my very best to make you proud with my running. I promise you that because I know how much it means to you, and I love you, even after everything th
at has happened. But, Dad, I will never be fine again,” I said, staring at him intensely.
I put my head back on my pillow, and I was gone again. Unfortunately I didn’t dream this time. It was just dark—dark and lonely, which was exactly how I felt. When I woke up, the room was bright, and Lenora was there again packing. I didn’t have any idea what time it was or what day it was.
“Hi,” I said softly.
She smiled at me, and I felt comforted.
“Hello, beautiful girl,” she said brightly. She sat down on the bed.
“What day is it? What time is it?” I asked, confused.
“It’s Friday, Charlotte. It’s noon. And I made your favorite cheese enchiladas. Will you eat?“ she said sweetly.
“OK,” I said, sitting up.
“Come on, let’s get up, honey. Let’s go eat in the kitchen together, OK?” she requested, her beautiful eyes looking at me with worry.
“OK, let’s go,” I said, getting out of bed.
There wasn’t much that I wouldn’t do for Lenora. This was the least that I could do to make her happy. As I walked around the bed, I saw his house in my peripheral vision, and I quickly shut the curtains as I walked by.
I was past lightheaded. I stopped in the bathroom to brush my teeth, and I looked in the mirror and was horrified. I definitely needed a shower. My hair looked grimy so I threw it up in a bun. I looked at my face. How could I look so tired when I had slept so much? I looked a little gaunt, and my eyes were puffy. I realized that if today was Friday that meant that tomorrow was Saturday.
I was supposed to graduate tomorrow. I was supposed to speak at graduation. How was I going to do that? I couldn’t see Daniel and keep it together. I couldn’t even look at his house without crying. Oh my gosh, what if I stood up in front of the entire school and started crying, I thought. How could I face Grace and Tom without crying?
A part of me wanted to run back to my bed and pull the covers over my head, but I didn’t. Lenora was waiting for me. I mustered up all of my strength and walked downstairs. Lenora had set the table with china for our lunch. Lenora was one of a kind. She was the only person in the world who would set the table with china for a girl in dirty pajamas with puffy eyes. As soon as the thought crossed my mind, I thought of Daniel. He would do that for me as well, and the tears started.
She saw me, and she pretended that it was normal to come to the table crying. She grasped my hand and led me to the table. The tears kept coming, and she patted my back and started talking about all the things she had packed for me. I wiped my face and smiled at her.
“Thank you,” I said softly.
“I love you, Charlotte. I would do anything for you,” she said with absolute honesty in her voice.
She really did love me, and I was so blessed to have her in my life. I ate a few bites of enchiladas, and they were delicious. She made me a big glass of chocolate milk, which made me laugh because the glass was large enough for a family of four. I had a few sips.
“Where am I going to live?” I inquired.
“Well, you are going to live on campus. Your roommate is another girl on the team named Misty, and she is a sophomore. Coach Little thinks she will be a nice friend for you,” she said kindly.
“OK,” I said quietly.
“Are you nervous about running at Stanford?” she asked, obviously trying to get me engaged in conversation.
“Actually, I’m not nervous at all about running. I have lost everything important to me, so I have nothing to lose. Plus, Mom always takes care of me when I run,” I said confidently.
She smiled, “Yes, she does.”
“Can I ask you something?”
“Of course,” Lenora said.
“Was Dad different before Mom died?” I asked.
Lenora thought for a minute, but not about her answer. I could tell that she was thinking about how to word her answer. “Yes, he was very happy before your mom passed, more open to giving and accepting love, not so closed off. He loved her so much, and her death was very traumatic for him,” she said sadly.
I heard the door close, and we both stopped talking. It was Dad. He was home early again. He had been home more that week than he had been the last few years. He smiled when he saw me awake and eating. He sat down at the table and looked at me.
“Tomorrow is graduation, Charlotte. I’m assuming with the way that you’ve been feeling that you don’t want to attend. Would you like Jack to read your valedictorian speech for you? I have already phoned the school to let them know that you are still sick,” he said.
This was unlike my father. He would never allow me to miss a moment like graduation and giving the speech. But I realized that he was happy for me to miss it if it meant not seeing Daniel before I left Sunday. For the first time in days, I agreed with him. I couldn’t handle it. What if Daniel was with Crystal? How would I deal with that?
“That would be good,” I said, staring back at him. “Thank you.”
“Do you have the speech written?” he inquired.
“Yes, of course. It’s all done. I’ll print it out. Oh, um, it’s on my computer. It’s saved under ‘graduation speech’ if you want to print it,” I said quietly.
My dad actually looked momentarily sad at being reminded that he had taken everything away from me. I stopped to think about that. He had literally taken everything away from me, in every sense of the word.
“Are Eric and James coming home too?” I asked softly.
“No. Your brothers are not speaking to me, Charlotte. Jack is only coming for you. He has agreed to read your speech and fly with you to California. He is coming home tonight.” I heard the sadness in his voice now.
I know you are in there somewhere, Dad, I thought, but almost too much has happened to ever recover from this. I felt it would be impossible to ever get past the way he had treated me at the lowest point of my life. The thought of Jack coming home brought a huge lump in my throat. I needed him. I wished they were all three coming home, but I was happy to have one right now. Why weren’t they speaking to my father? Was it over all of this? Had he done something to them? My whole family seemed to be falling apart. I would have Jack with me until I got to California. That would help me so much. I felt a small sense of relief when I thought about getting through the next few days. I hoped my speech was acceptable. I hadn’t looked at it since I had written it. But at this point, I really didn’t care.
chapter 15
leaving home
I would be leaving for California in two days. I would not be attending my high school graduation, nor giving my valedictorian speech, and I no longer had a boyfriend or a best friend to talk to. In one short week, my life had completely changed. It was more than I could comprehend. As I lay in bed, my heart aching, my head pounding, and tears streaming down my face, I thought about the loss of my mother and how it had been extremely painful for me. I had an image of what she would have been in my life, and I felt that we both missed out when her life ended so early.
Losing Daniel was traumatic in a different way for me. He was the love of my life. He had been a part of my life for the past thirteen years, almost on a daily basis. The majority of my life thus far had been spent with him as a constant. It felt as if I had lost a limb, or I was missing a part of me. The worst part of all was that he had a choice, and he chose to leave me.
This was unfathomable for me. Daniel wasn’t taken unfairly due to an illness or in an accident. He was still here, but just not with me. He no longer wanted me. This hurt so bad, it was something that I couldn’t think about. Sleeping was easier than believing this to be true. I reached over to my nightstand and picked up my charm bracelet and my promise ring, and I squeezed them in my hand. I didn’t feel right wearing them any longer, but I wasn’t ready to put them away. I pressed them against my heart, and as the tears continued to pour, I fell asleep again.
“Hey, Charlie, are you awake?” I heard a soft, sweet voice.
I wasn’t sure if I was dreaming
. I sat up. My brother Jack was sitting at the end of my bed in the dark. I jumped up, crawled across the bed, and hugged him. He wrapped his arms around me, and I rested my head on his shoulder and cried.
I cried because I didn’t feel alone with him there; I cried because I knew that he understood why I was sad; I cried because I was happy he was with me; and of course I cried because my life had been turned upside down.
“Hey, it’s OK. You’re going to get through this, Charlie. James and Eric want you to know that they love you so much. They are going to come visit you at school soon. They don’t want to be around Dad right now. But we all love you, and we know you are going to get through this. Do you believe me?” he asked.
I pulled away and wiped at my endless tears, trying to smile and nod my head yes. “Thank you, Jack. I’m so happy you’re here,” I said in a quivering voice.
“Me too,” He said. “I will read your speech and get you through tomorrow, and then I will get you the hell out of this prison on Sunday morning, OK?”
I nodded. I couldn’t speak.
He looked at me intently. “Charlie, I have a phone if you want to use it. Dad can’t stop you from using my phone,” he said, looking into my eyes for a response.
Tears started streaming down even faster. “I have no one to call anymore,” I said, my voice barely a whisper.
He hugged me tightly. “Dad’s a fucker!” he said sharply.
That was very unlike Jack. He was not that the kind of person who ever spoke like that. I wondered why he was so angry.
“Dad’s not the reason that I have no one to call,” I said, surprised that I would even want to stick up for my dad because I agreed with Jack right now; my dad actually had been behaving in an unforgiveable way.
“Yes he is!” he shot back.
But Jack didn’t really know what had gone on with Daniel, and he didn’t know about Crystal, and I didn’t want to talk about it.
“And what the hell did he cut the tree down for?” he asked, and we both started laughing over the fact that my dad had done something so crazy. It felt good to laugh, if even for just a moment, while tears were still streaming.
