An overwhelming urge to get home pulsed through me. Cracking my eyes open, I was about to turn and check the time when I made the most horrifying discovery of my life.
I gasped and jerked away from the person lying next to me.
“Shit,” I whispered.
My eyes were bugging out so wide it was almost hard to see. I gripped the covers to my body, suddenly aware I was naked.
“No.” I shook my head, tears popping onto my lashes. “Oh, God, please no.”
My entire body started trembling as vague images of hands, lips, and drunken moans wafted through the back of my mind. None of them were clear. It was like watching a movie out of focus. Fuzzy memories that weren’t enough to give details, but were enough for me to know what I’d done. I wanted it to be a dream…a nightmare, whatever.
But life wasn’t that kind.
“No.” My voice shook as I scrambled off the bed. The sheet slipped down, exposing my naked torso. I gasped and tried to cover myself, but the man in the bed just let out a grunt then sighed.
He was still dead to the world, his handsome face relaxed and peaceful. Snatching my dress off the floor, I slipped it on, not bothering to secure the back properly. All I could think of was escape. With a cringe, I snatched my underwear and heels, clutching them to my chest before shuffling across the massive room. My purse was on the coffee table in the living area next to an empty bottle of champagne and two long-stemmed glasses. Sobs were shaking my stomach, making it hard to breathe.
I stumbled into the hallway and ran to the elevator, pressing the button like I had a nervous tic.
“No, no, no,” I kept whispering. Tears streaked my face. I jumped into the elevator and took it down to the twentieth floor. I don’t know how I made it to my room; spots were blinding me when I shoved my keycard into the slot and lurched through the door.
I only just made it into the bathroom before hurling. I clutched the toilet bowl and threw up violently, my body heaving as I poured out my guilt and shame.
How could I have let that happen?
Justin was the only man I’d ever been with. How could I let someone else touch me that way? How could I betray the only man I loved?
“My husband,” I whispered, spittle dripping from my bottom lip…or maybe it was tears.
My retching turned into whimpering sobs. Dropping to the cold tiles, I curled into a ball and slapped the floor until my palm stung.
“No,” I sobbed. “No. Justin, I’m sorry.”
I cried until it hurt to move. My stomach ached like I’d been doing sit-ups all night. My head pounded. But I stayed on those tiles. I didn’t know how to get up and face it all. So I just lay there and let silent tears dribble off my face and onto the floor.
Chapter Fourteen
Justin
The house looked amazing. For a place I’d never one hundred percent loved, it was looking pretty damn cool. I had set my alarm for six and gotten up right away. It’d taken me all morning, but I’d cleaned and tidied every inch of the place. If Sarah’s parents came to visit in the next minute, I wouldn’t have minded at all. I couldn’t help feeling a touch of pride. Spending a few hours paying attention to our place had given me more satisfaction than an entire week at the office.
It felt good to take care of Sarah again. I’d always been a really attentive boyfriend, and I’d let the ball drop. Work and tragedy had taken over everything.
It was time for that to stop.
Taking off my sweaty shirt, I walked into the laundry and dumped it in the hamper before snatching a clean one out of the dryer. I paused in the doorway and spun back, emptying the entire dryer into a fresh basket and carrying it up to our bedroom. As I folded, images of Sarah flashed through my mind—the first time I saw her, the smile on her face that time we danced under the stars, the way she giggled that time I cooked her dinner. It’d been my first attempt—macaroni and cheese that tasted burned and looked more brown than yellow. She’d eaten it anyway, and I’d fallen just a little more in love.
My cooking had improved big time since then. She’d taught me so much.
I thought about the first time we’d made love. We’d skipped class one afternoon, and she’d taken me to her empty sorority house. She’d giggled nervously as I’d undressed her. I’d tried to act like I knew what I was doing, but we were both clueless virgins. We’d spent the afternoon figuring it out, and by the time I kissed her good-bye, I knew I wanted to marry her.
The sound of a key in the lock made me spin. She was home early.
Placing her pink T-shirt on the top of her pile, I turned from the bed and headed down the stairs, meeting her at the front door. She looked tired and pale. The shadows under her eyes and the way she winced when she dropped her bag on the floor had me concerned.
“Hey.” I jumped off the last step and rushed over to her. “Are you okay?”
She gave me a tired smile and nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.”
Her eyes looked dead with sorrow. Kind of the way they did at Blake’s funeral. I veered away from the memory, determined not to bring him into the moment. I’d been doing a lot of self-talk throughout the morning. If I wanted to make things work with Sarah, I had to take Blake out of the equation. It would be a struggle, I couldn’t deny that, but maybe if I talked loud enough and long enough, I could make it work.
I skimmed her cheek with my thumb and gazed at her. “You’re home early.”
She shied away from my touch and looked to the floor. “I caught an earlier flight. Jules and the others were gambling and I just… I didn’t feel like it.” Dropping her keys on the table, she shrugged out of her denim jacket and hung it on the hook. Her hands were shaking.
I reached for her quivering fingers and gave them a tender squeeze. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I’m just not feeling very well,” she whispered. Her eyes glassed over and she blinked rapidly before stepping past me. Jerking to a stop, she scanned the open-plan living area, from the spotless kitchen counter to the clutter-free floor and plumped pillows on the sofa.
“Wow.” She said it like a sigh. “This place looks amazing.”
“I know it doesn’t make up for me bailing on you, but I really wanted to do something to apologize. Work keeps getting the better of me. I know I can’t keep doing this to us, and I—”
“It’s okay.” She shook her head, staring at our enlarged wedding photo on the wall. It’d been a gift from her mother and was hanging there when we got back from our honeymoon. Neither of us had the heart to take it down, but I didn’t think either of us loved it. We probably would have, if the memory hadn’t been bathed in tragedy. Funny how Blake’s death could extend so far, killing one of the most memorable days of our lives in the process.
Sarah caught me gazing at her and forced a tight smile. “I get that work’s busy. It’s the same for me, too.”
“I know, but I still wanted to make it up to you. I’m going to cook you dinner and maybe we can…” My voice trailed off, trepidation working like a hand around my throat. I swallowed and made myself smile. “This is our night, Sparks.” Heading for the stereo, I selected the playlist I’d created earlier.
“Where I Belong” was the first song I chose. A Lindsey Ray concert had been our first date. She’d performed an acoustic set in an open field—her, a guitar, and lovesick couples dancing on the grass. Sarah and I had shuffled beneath the stars and fallen in love.
Tears lined Sarah’s lashes as she stared at the stereo then dragged her gaze to my face.
“What is it?” My concern spiked again, and I rushed to her side.
“I love this song,” she whispered.
My worries eased, and I gave her a relaxed smile. Taking her wrist, I led her to an open space in the living room then drew her against me. She fitted into my arms so perfectly. Her small fingers threaded behind my neck, and she pressed her head against my chest.
I started swaying, leading her in a slow dance.
And she started c
rying.
Her tears were soft at first, soaking into my T-shirt like slow raindrops sliding down a pane of glass. I didn’t understand them. I hoped they were happy tears.
Her husband was finally giving her the attention she deserved. Maybe she’d been bottling everything up like I had, and she couldn’t contain it anymore. My long-awaited kindness was working like a corkscrew, freeing her pent-up emotions so they overflowed like bubbling champagne.
My guilt was thick and metallic. I tried not to let it swallow me whole, but I couldn’t deny the truth. I’d waited too long to get my act together. I’d failed her, and now she was whimpering against me. It hurt my heart to listen to her.
Blinking, I pressed my lips to Sarah’s head and kept swaying. “I love you, Sparks.”
My whispered words made her shudder. A fresh wave of tears took her, but these weren’t the soft, gentle kind. They were ugly sobs. She wriggled free of my arms and covered her mouth, turning away from me and stumbling into the dining room.
“Sarah?” I lurched after her.
Her hands slapped onto the back of the wooden chair, and she gripped it until her knuckles turned white.
I didn’t know what the hell was going on, but I hated seeing my wife distressed. Gently running my hand up her back, I squeezed the nape of her neck and whispered, “Baby, what is it?”
“I cheated on you.” She choked out the words.
My brain froze for a second. I must have heard her wrong.
I snickered—a disbelieving, breathy sound. “What?”
She spun to face me, her blotchy cheeks warning me that I wasn’t going to like the truth. Pulling in a ragged breath, she tried again. “I slept with someone last night. I’m sorry. I…”
I let her go. I stepped back from the world’s most beautiful woman as if she were toxic. My heart started thrumming, sending a sick drumbeat coursing through my veins. I was suddenly filled with an army of marching soldiers ready to wipe me clean off the earth. Their boots pounded inside me, cutting off my ability to think straight.
I backed away from her until I crashed into the kitchen counter.
“Justin, I’m sorry,” she whispered, sagging against the chair.
Rubbing my temple, I frowned at her, still trying to compute what the fuck was going on.
“Who?” I finally hissed then shot my hand into the air. “No, wait! I don’t want to know.” My voice turned low and hostile, my anger swerving out of control.
I gritted my teeth and tore my eyes away from her.
“Please, I’ll tell you anything.” Sarah stepped toward me. “I’ll do whatever it takes to make this right.”
“You slept with someone else!” I thundered.
She flinched at my roar. I’d never yelled at her before. Her face crested with agonized torment, but it wasn’t enough to quell whatever the hell was going on inside me.
“I didn’t mean to, Justin. I…”
“Can’t do this.” My stiff neck managed a short shake, and I held up my hand to stop her approach. “P-please, stop t-talking.”
Sarah’s lips parted with a gasp. I’d heard it too. My stutter—the one that never happened around her. It was happening, and I couldn’t seem to stop it.
“I-I…” Pushing off the wall, I stumbled for my keys. “I’ve g-gotta g-go.” My stomach jerked and spasmed as I tried to speak, fear pulsing through me so strong I couldn’t see straight.
“Justin, please.” She held out her hand to me.
I whipped my head around to look at her—my lighthouse, my sparkling star.
But all I could see was another man holding her, running his hands over her porcelain skin, squeezing her, kissing her…making her moan.
Yanking the door open, I tumbled to my car before she could stop me. I tore out of our driveway so fast I nearly hit another car. The driver blasted his horn and swore out the window. I ignored him, swerving the other way and accelerating down the street. I had no idea where I was going or what the hell I was supposed to do when I got there.
I just had to get away from an ugly truth that was set on hammering the final nail into my coffin.
Chapter Fifteen
Sarah
I cried so much I had to call in sick on Monday morning. I could barely get out of bed. My legs were weak from exhaustion. My face was puffy and tender. Staggering to the bathroom, I relieved myself, digging my elbows into my knees and starting to cry all over again.
Seriously? Even while I was peeing?
I wondered if I’d ever stop.
When Blake died, I had Justin to hold me. He was solid as a rock, stoic and calm throughout the funeral. That night, we lay in bed together. Neither of us could sleep. We just lay there in the darkness, listening to music and holding each other.
Our only communication was a few whispered words—a promise.
Swiping at my tears, I left the bathroom and slumped down the stairs. I didn’t know what I was going to do with my day. I hadn’t had a day off since we got back to LA. I started work three days after Blake’s funeral, and I hadn’t stopped since.
The house was quiet, but not in a comfortable way. If anything, I found the silence disconcerting. Heading for the stereo, I pressed Play, not even caring what came on.
“Bulletproof Weeks” by Matt Nathanson started. It was a mournful, slow tune that hurt my heart, but I let it play. Wrapping my bathrobe around myself, I shuffled into the kitchen. I hadn’t eaten since throwing up in Vegas. I couldn’t imagine ever enjoying food again, but my growling stomach only accentuated how light my head felt.
Reaching into the pantry, I pulled out a packet of graham crackers. I nibbled the corner of one and shuffled across to the coffee machine. I didn’t really want to wake up and face my nightmare, but I had to be at work the next day. I had to pull myself together and keep moving. Staying in this lonely house would kill me.
I’d tried calling Justin a few times since he’d taken off, but he had yet to reply. There was nothing I could do but wait it out. Hopefully, he’d come back to me soon.
The front door creaked open. I jumped away from the coffee machine and rushed into the entranceway. Justin eased through the door. His rumpled T-shirt and unshaven face matched his wild curls. Where had he slept? What had he been doing all night? Fear pitched inside me, and I scrambled to put my armor on as I approached him.
Justin’s eyes rounded when he saw me, but he didn’t linger for long. His expression went bland as he shuffled past me and headed upstairs.
“Justin?”
I raced after him, nearly slipping on the steps. Pressing my hand into the carpet, I scrambled up the last two stairs and rushed into our room.
Justin was standing at our closet, shoving clothes into a large sports bag. His movements were fast and jerky as he punched the clothes into it.
“What are you doing?” My jaw trembled so hard I had to grit my teeth in order to talk.
“I need my stuff.” His voice mirrored his face—dispassionate and lifeless.
I shuffled away from the doorframe. “Where are you going?” My voice hitched.
He didn’t answer, just kept packing his stupid bag.
My nostrils flared and I moved into his space, snatching the bag off him and throwing it on the floor. “How long will you be gone?”
With a light sigh, he avoided eye contact and calmly picked up the bag. Clearing his throat, he pulled out the last of his pants and pushed them in.
“No.” I shook my head, crossing my arms tightly to hold myself together. “You can’t leave me.”
He shot me a dry glare before turning for our dresser. Opening the top drawer, he ripped out handfuls of underwear and socks, sprinkling them into his bag like herbs into a pasta sauce.
“Justin, please!”
He flinched at the way I screamed the words. Turning slowly, he gave me a look that forced my eyes to the floor.
“Why’d you tell me?” His whisper came out broken and weak.
My lips bunched tog
ether, my eyes filling with tears. My voice was a quaking mess when I spoke. “Because I need to fix this. I didn’t want anything between us. If I’d kept it a secret, I was scared you’d find out and I’d lose you. I want to be honest. Please, we need to work this out.”
“How?” he spat, zipping up his bag. The sound shot through the room with a finality that hurt. “Sarah, I can’t even look at you.”
His words were a punch to the chest. My jaw worked to the side as I fought for air. Finally, I managed to whisper, “But…I didn’t mean to.” I shuddered. “Justin, I love you.”
“Really?” His skeptical tone slapped me in the face.
I blinked, my neck feeling weak and rubbery as I tipped my head. “You know I do.”
His face bunched with an angry scowl, and he threw his bag on the floor before running his hands through his reckless curls.
“I can’t stop thinking about some other guy inside you.” His voice was thick and ragged. “It’s tortured me all night. I can’t…” Pressing his lips together, he looked to the ceiling and shook his head. “We’d only ever been with each other. You were mine, Sarah…and now some other guy’s had you. How do I move past that?”
I shuffled closer to him, hating the distance between us. “I know it’s going to be hard, but you need to trust in my love for you. You need to forgive me.”
His expression softened for a fleeting moment, giving me hope.
But then his words killed it.
“I want to, but I don’t know if I can.”
My forehead wrinkled. Desperation made my voice high and shaky when I pointed at him. “You made me a promise, Justin Doyle.”
“So did you,” he clipped, snatching his bag off the floor. “And you broke yours.”
I had no comeback. All I could do was slump against the wall and watch him leave me. The second the front door clicked shut, I slid to the carpet and drew my knees to my chin. Clutching my legs, I tried to hold my shaking body together. Tears burned my aching eyes, but they didn’t fall. They would eventually, I was sure of it. I was caught in the middle of a raging ocean, and I didn’t have a life jacket anymore. The tears would come. They’d fill up every inch of me until I was drowning in them.
Rough Water (Songbird #7) Page 7
