by Rina Kent
“Fuck everyone else. They don’t matter more than you and I.”
And with that, he leaves. I hit the button to Mum’s flat, my shoulders drooping as I absentmindedly eat the Snickers bar.
Maybe I should save it for when Mum and I watch a film — not The Notebook.
I enter the code to her flat and go inside, still nibbling on the chocolate.
It’s dark inside, the only light coming from her room. I’m just outside of it when the sounds filter in.
Moans. Groans. Slaps of flesh against flesh.
My cheeks heat. I probably should’ve called first. But then again, Lucien barely comes to Mum’s flat, and I kind of thought they were in a non-sexual relationship.
I turn around to leave when I hear the unmistakable name.
My fingers slowly push the door open. What remains of my Snickers drops to the ground. I’m scarred for life.
Mum is on her back as a man fucks her hard.
And that man isn’t Lucien.
It’s Papa.
41
Silver
The three of us sit in Mum’s living area.
To say the air is awkward and full of tension would be the understatement of the century. This isn’t how I’ve imagined our family reunion.
Mum ties the satin robe around her nightgown and keeps touching her hair, trying to submit the dishevelled blonde strands to order.
Papa appears completely normal, all tucked in his suit as if he were born in one.
God. I can’t believe I walked in on my parents having sex. It’s even more disturbing now considering they’re no longer married.
They sit beside each other while I’m across from them, arms folded like a judge out to prosecute her defendants.
Mum flashes me an awkward smile. “It’s not what it seems.”
I scrunch my nose. “I think I saw exactly what it seems.”
“Princess.” Papa clears his throat. “We’re sorry you had to witness that.”
“Shouldn’t you be sorrier about other people? I don’t know, like Helen and Lucien?”
“Lucien and I are just friends, Babydoll. We only go out together to avoid the hassle of finding dates to the countless of events we attend.”
“How about Helen then?” I jut my chin at Papa. “How could you do this to her?”
Mum studies her red nails. “They’re not sexually active.”
“Cynthia,” Papa reprimands
“What?” She feigns nonchalance. “Silver is old enough to understand that. She’s sexually active herself.”
“I did not need that image.” Papa looks at me weird, almost horrified, as if he’s just realising that I’m not his little girl anymore.
“Mum!” My voice lowers. “How do you know that?”
“I know everything about you, Babydoll. You think I wouldn’t notice that you’re in love?”
“I-I’m n-not in love.” I clear my throat. “Anyway, this isn’t about me. Papa?”
“Helen and I only got married for convenience. She had no idea how to handle the fortune William left behind, so I offered to help. One thing led to another and we sort of formed a partnership.”
“And a marriage.” Mum huffs. “She thought if she had you long enough, you’d probably fall for her graces. That woman is a snake.”
“Cynthia.” Papa releases another breath.
“Still, this isn’t right, Papa.” I’m such a hypocrite. I’m fucking his stepson under his roof every night, after all.
“Didn’t you always want us to be together?” Mum asks. “You planned it for years.”
“Not at the expense of someone else’s happiness. This isn’t right by Helen, and you know that, Papa. These are your core principles and you betrayed them.”
“Silver!” Mum scoffs. “I can’t believe you’re taking that snake’s side over your mother’s.”
“She’s right.” Papa’s lips thin in a tight smile. “I’m sorry I disappointed you, Princess.”
“Give me a fucking break.” Mum throws her hands in the air. “So now I’m the bad guy in all of this?”
“Language, Cynthia.” Papa’s voice lowers.
“You didn’t mind the language when you were fucking me earlier.”
“Mum!”
“Cynthia!” Papa says at the same time.
“Fine.” Mum jerks up. “I’m always wrong. I always say the wrong things. Apparently, I can’t make any personal relationship work and should focus on my job instead. If my own daughter and the man I thought was the love of my life don’t understand me, it’s useless to keep trying. Go back to your soft, sweet Helen.”
She’s about to storm out, but Papa and I stand up. He catches her by the wrist before she can go.
Tears glisten in her eyes and she tries to hide them. Feelings have always been Mum’s curse. I see it now. The fact she couldn’t keep up with her career and her married life at the same time was her doom. She never forgave herself for giving up on her marriage, and that’s why she developed depression after the divorce. But she had too much pride to ask Papa to try again. As did he. So they kept fighting every chance they got instead.
Papa’s face softens for the first time in…years. For the first time since Mum left the house. “Helen is indeed soft and sweet.”
“What are you waiting for then?” she snaps. “The door is right there.”
“But she’s not the woman who drives me crazy with every word out of her mouth. She’s not you, Cynthia.”
My heart nearly explodes as Mum’s expression becomes gentle, almost as if she’s ten years younger.
Papa caresses her hand. “I’ll end it properly with her tonight, and we can have a family breakfast tomorrow?”
Both Mum and I nod.
As much as I feel sorry for Helen, I believe in fairy tales. I believe in Mum and Papa. I always have. The only reason I gave up on them is due to thinking they were more at peace apart. Turns out, they were both miserable.
Mum and I walk Papa to the door. I hug him and tell him that I love him, that I’m proud of his decisions, even if this turmoil can damage his campaign.
He kisses me on the temple, then Mum on the lips. “I love you both.”
“And I love you, Bastian.” Mum closes her eyes, inhaling his scent. “I never stopped.”
Papa kisses her again and leaves. After Mum closes the door behind him, she squeals.
No kidding. Cynthia Davis squeals and wraps her arms around me. Her happiness is infectious and I hug her back as she whirls me around in place.
“I knew he’d eventually choose me.” She pulls away and flips her hair. “Helen, who?”
“Mum, you don’t have to be a bitch about it.”
“Oh, but I do. She knew about our feelings for each other and pretended to be Mary Sue. I hate her goody two-shoes type.” Mum’s expression falls. “Okay, I lied. I didn’t know he’d eventually choose me. I thought I’d lost him to her for good.”
“I’m afraid to ask, but since when did you two start your affair?”
“Since I came back from France.” She smiles, her cheeks reddening. “Your father was jealous about Lucien.”
After he found out about the cutting. But Mum doesn’t need to know I told him that.
In a way, I participated in this reunion.
I’m happy for my parents, but I feel so sorry for Helen. She doesn’t have feelings towards Papa, right?
“I love you so much, Babydoll.” Mum hugs me again, and this time it feels warmer. “I’m sorry we had to make you live through our fuck-up, but you know, sometimes it takes a loss to realise who you really want to be with.”
“A loss?”
“I lost your father, and that’s when I realised how much you both mean the world to me. Even more than my career, my principles. Everything.”
Mum hugs me to sleep that night — in my bed, not hers. I’ll never sleep in hers after the scene I’ve just witnessed.
Her words keep playing at the back of my mind
. The part about needing to experience a loss to realise who you really want to be with.
The only person who keeps barging into my mind is Cole.
Since that day at the doctor’s office, something shifted and now I know why. I also know why my feelings for him scared the shit out of me in the car park.
It’s because they’re the truest I’ve ever felt. Despite his dickhead nature and how twisted he can be.
I might be his chaos, but he’s also mine.
My chaos and my safety.
Now that Papa will end it with Helen, we can finally have a chance. It’ll take us some time because of the media attention, but we can do it.
I contemplate texting him, but he was so mad earlier. I’ll speak to him in person tomorrow.
The next morning, he texts me first.
I nearly jump out of my skin when I find his text message after freshening up.
Cole: Meet me at my old house.
Silver: Okay! I’ll see you there!
I sounded a bit too excited in that text, but whatever.
After I throw on last night’s dress and a pair of shoes, I snatch my mother’s keys. “I’m borrowing your car, Mum!”
“Hey, where do you think you’re going, young lady?” She emerges from her room wearing a stunning red dress. “Your father will be here any second.”
“I’ll let you guys catch up and join later.” I grin. “He’ll need to catch up when he sees you like that.”
“You think?”
“I’m sure. Bye!”
I’m flying down the hallway and into the lift before she can reply.
Mum isn’t the only one who’s excited. I feel like I’m going to fly out of my skin. Cole might be possessive to a fault, but he gives an infuriating silent treatment. If he’s angry at me, it takes a lot for him to break his silence.
Not that I make it any easier… I’ve got Mum’s stubbornness. And while it’s good to not let anyone step on me, it’s not so good when I recall how I kept denying what Cole and I both craved.
I arrive at his house in record time. Since I know the code, I put it in and step inside.
The house is empty. I think he mentioned something about moving back in after he’s out of RES.
Is that why he called me here? Will this be our place after we leave school?
I bite my lower lip to suppress a smile.
Don’t get ahead of yourself, Silver.
Pushing the door open, I step inside the mansion. “Cole, I’m here —”
My words die when something pricks my neck from behind. My tongue feels heavy in my mouth.
Black spots form behind my eyelids as my body hits the ground with a thud.
“Cole…” I murmur
“Shh. Your master is here, Doll.”
The world goes out.
42
Cole
It’s strange how you spend your entire life with someone and it turns out you don’t know them at all.
You don’t know yourself.
You wake up every day and take yourself for granted when that self has dissociated into something else.
Something potent.
Something criminally insane.
I spend the entire night reading the book. Dolls.
The alter ego never allowed me to read the book before, or come near it until completion.
Until I went in to search for that alter ego and didn’t find it.
I found the book, though. The full manuscript was left in an envelope on the table for the agent.
I found the clever words that hinted something real but still remained in fiction land.
What Gav did to his dolls, though? Yeah, that was described in meticulous detail.
But Gav didn’t want any of those dolls. They were plastic. They weren’t real.
Gav’s father didn’t let him play with dolls. After Gav’s mother’s death, his father brought him to his knees and told him he’d now take his mother’s duties.
Gav’s father hit him and touched him. Gav’s father took his virginity when he was nine because he had the right to before anyone else. He made him, so he got to own every part of him.
Gav’s father was depraved.
Gav became insane.
He didn’t know it, though. Gav is like Antoine Roquentin from Nausea. Antoine didn’t know he had an existential crisis, and Gav didn’t know he was insane.
Criminally. Psychologically.
Gav hid his favourite doll under his pillow and kept looking at it while his father fucked him, pushing his head against the pillow to muffle the sound so no one in the house could hear.
The doll had long blonde hair and bright blue eyes.
The doll smiled at him every night his father came for him.
The doll kept him sane.
The doll made him feel safe.
He became her Doll Master because that was the only thing in his life he had control over.
Gav’s father fucked him until he was eighteen. Every night. No exceptions. He told Gav he loved him and he couldn’t live without him, as he bled him. He told Gav he was his one and only as he whipped his back.
Gav just looked at his doll. Even when he grew older. Even when everyone at school called him a nerd, and the most popular girl told him to watch it when he tripped into her.
Gav promised to ruin that girl’s life.
Then Gav’s father died in an accident. Gav was no longer tormented, but he cried that night. He cut himself to feel the blood his father used to extract out of him.
He cried when no one hit him and fucked him.
Gav masturbated with his doll, but he wasn’t satisfied anymore.
So Gav decided to find a replacement for his father. He married an abusive woman who spoke like his father did and raped him in the same way.
Gav got his father back. He got his balance back.
And every night, when his wife was asleep, Gav stared at that doll. He’d smile and tell her, “Your master is here, so you can sleep, Doll.”
She didn’t listen to him sometimes, so he placed her between his legs and punished her.
Gav had a daughter, but she wasn’t a doll. She was just an extension of him. He didn’t love her like he loved his doll.
His daughter was a reminder of his cruel wife, too. She looked so much like her, and every time he saw her, he wanted to push her away so that his wife would only beat him.
Gav knew he had to act normal. He was good at acting normal. No one suspected him — not even in his father’s mansion. His wife didn’t suspect him either.
Gav was a good boy.
He raised his daughter to be a good girl. He knew when to cry and how. Gav practised smiles and tears every day. He practised people, too.
He watched them and knew how to get to them — how to make them like him. The more people liked him in parties, the harder his wife raped him. So Gav made himself more likeable until his wife nearly killed him with her beatings.
Gav smiled when he fell asleep hugging his doll.
Then Gav’s wife found the doll. She made fun of it and of him. She told him he was a psycho and threw the doll into the fireplace. Gav screamed as the smell of burnt plastic filled the air.
His wife killed his doll.
Gav didn’t know how it happened. One second, his wife was laughing as she left. And the next, Gav ran behind her and pushed her.
She fell and then she no longer breathed.
Something inside Gav unlocked. His father was dead. His wife was dead. No one understood him or his needs.
The night his wife died, Gav cried because he couldn’t smile anymore.
He’d lost his doll.
But then he found her. He’d seen her before, but he had his doll at the time, so he didn’t care much about any other doll.
But that night was different. That night, she was crying. His doll didn’t cry, she only smiled.
Now, she cried for him. She was sad for him, and Gav decided he’d found his doll again.
Gav knew that he’d own that doll.
He didn’t want to hurt her, though. He didn’t want to unleash how much he missed her.
So he found other dolls, temporary ones. He hit them from the back, masturbated to their helpless bodies, then left them in the forest.
They had golden blonde hair and bright blue eyes. They looked like his doll, but weren’t.
Now, Gav has his doll. She comes to him. She smiles at him and compliments him.
He cooks for her, washes her, and brushes her hair. He changes her clothes and takes pictures of her. When no one is looking, he masturbates to them.
To her.
His doll.
The one he’ll own forever.
No one believed in his happily ever after, but he did.
He believed that he and his doll would have forever. One way or another.
My hands are unsteady as I find the pictures in the box. Countless pictures of Silver in several indecent positions — while she’s asleep, half-naked, through the shower peephole.
The door to the office opens and I glance up.
Sebastian stares at me. “What are you doing here?”
“Do you have a gun?” I ask in a voice I don’t recognise.
He nods.
I never saw it coming when I should’ve.
That’s what happens when you watch everyone else except for yourself. When you observe everything except for the thing that’s right in front of your eyes.
I never recalled Dad’s last words, but now, I do.
When I ran outside that day, I was scared because I’d heard Mum scream.
I thought something had happened to her.
Dad is drowning in the pool, blood oozing from his head.
The sound of gurgling nearly suffocates me. Dad is going to drown.
I don’t want him to drown.
He reaches his hand out and I extend my smaller one. The red water is pulling him under. The red water is taking him away.
“Dad…” My whisper is haunted, my small hand trembling along with my entire body.
His face contorts. Chaos. It’s coming back.
Just like it took me to the dark, it’s now taking him.
“Y-you’re a monster,” Dad gurgles on the water. “R-run, Cole.”
