He grimaced, and his voice was a jagged whisper. "I'm always turned on."
"But Griffin-"
"No, you don't get it," he said. "Because it didn't turn me on. I didn't like anything they did to me. None of it. But French said that subconsciously, I must have. She said I must have latent homosexual desires and that I should give in to them, and that..." He grasped my wrist, moving it off his chest. "That's what always scared me. That I'd have to go back to that willingly. That some part of me wanted it."
Tears filled my eyes. "No. That's not true. It wasn't your fault."
"Then why do I wake up like that?"
"Um, I'm a girl and all, so I don't know for certain, but I'm pretty sure that guys always wake up with hard-ons. Like... naturally."
He shook his head. "It's different."
"Is it different? Or is what that woman said to you making you think it's different?"
He was quiet for a minute. Then he released my hand, letting it rest on his chest again, and searched my eyes with his own. "You think that's really all it is?"
I nodded. "I do."
He tugged me close, folding me into his body. His lips murmured over the top of my head , and he spoke into my hair. "This is why I need you."
* * *
"Um, I really can't remember her name," I said to the guard at the door. The building next to Dewhurst-McFarland's lab also belonged to the corporation, but suits and businessmen worked there. The building didn't have super tight security, but there was a guard at the door. My job was to keep him distracted long enough for Knox and Griffin to get in and get onto the elevator.
"Look, lady," said the guard. "I have a list, and if you're not on it, then I can't let you inside."
"Oh, I totally understand that," I said. "I'm not trying to make you break any rules or anything. I'm just saying that the woman I'm supposed to meet with... I can't remember her name."
The guard was facing me, holding the door open, gripping a tablet that contained his precious list. I could see that Griffin and Knox were inching their way along the building, heading for the open door. If they were quiet and discreet enough, they'd be able to slip in right behind his back.
"Maybe," I said, "if you could show me the list-"
"I can't show you the list, ma'am," he said.
"Well, not to let me see the names of the people allowed in," I said. I laughed. "That would be stupid. Because it would tell me my own name, and I already know that."
Griffin and Knox were closer still. A few feet away.
"But so that I could see where my name was, and then I'd see who it was I'm supposed to be seeing, because this is really embarrassing. I'm going to get in there for that meeting, and-"
"You're not going to get into any meeting if you don't give me your name so that I can check my list," said the guard.
Griffin and Knox were almost there.
"My name?" I said. "Oh, gosh I didn't tell you that?"
"No, you didn't." He narrowed his eyes. "Did you hear something?" And he began to turn around.
Griffin and Knox were right behind him.
Chapter Seventeen
I improvised. I grabbed the man by the shoulder, turning him to face me. "Okay, you got me. I'm not here because I have an appointment."
"I didn't think you were."
"The truth is," I said, "I walk past here on my way to work every day, and I always notice you." I batted my eyelashes. "I think you're really attractive."
Griffin glared at me, but he and Knox slid inside, undetected.
The guard looked taken aback.
I did my best to appear embarrassed. "I didn't know how else to start up a conversation with you. I guess that was really lame."
He squared his shoulders. "No, not lame. Not really." He tried a smile.
I smiled back. "You don't think so?" He shook his head. "It was kind of inventive."
Griffin and Knox halted at the elevator. Griffin was watching the guard with an annoyed expression on his face. Knox hauled him into the elevator.
Good. They were safe. They were in. We'd done it.
"You want to go out for coffee or something sometime?"
"Huh?" I said. "Oh! Yeah, definitely. Let me give you my number." He got out his cell phone, and I rattled off a totally fake number.
"That doesn't sound local," he said.
"Oh," I said. "Well, um, I just moved here. And I haven't changed the number yet."
"What's that area code?" he said.
"Florida?"
"What part of Florida?"
God, why was he harping on this? "Um, Miami."
"No, my grandma lives in Miami, and the area code there is-"
"Well, I'm going to be late for work," I said, scurrying away.
"Wait," he called after me. "You didn't tell me your name."
"Muffy," I called back, throwing out the first thing that came to my brain. I waved. And then I practically ran to the agreed-upon meeting spot.
* * *
"Jim Bradford, employee of Dewhurst-McFarland, was killed in an isolated incident this morning," droned the television in our hotel room. "He was shot through the head by an unknown gunman who managed to do so from a building across the street from Bradford's place of work. The weapons used were found abandoned, but there were no clues as to who might have perpetrated the crime. Police-"
Griffin muted the TV. We were sprawled on the bed together. "I still don't like that you flirted with that guy to get us in."
I rolled onto my back. "When are you going to let this go?"
He caressed my cheek. "It's not like that. I just keep thinking about it."
"Is this because of the stripping thing?"
He rubbed his face. "Sort of."
I sighed. "You don't trust me." And maybe he had good reason not to. Maybe because of my past, because of everything I'd done, it was tough to believe I would be faithful.
He drew back, offended. "I trust you."
"Maybe I don't deserve your trust."
"Doll, come here." He tugged me into his arms.
I lay my head on his chest. "I did things in the past that were trashy."
"So, that's the past. I'm sorry I ever said anything about that. I was out of line."
"You weren't. I'm ashamed of myself."
"Listen, you are important. And if I make you feel that way, then good. I should never have mocked your feelings. I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone else." He ran his fingertips over my back. "You know more about me than anyone on earth. I trust you with all my secrets."
That was true. "So then, if you're okay with my past, then why does flirting with the guard bother you? I only did it to help you and Knox."
He stroked my hair. "I guess I worry. You say you're okay with things the way they are between us, but how long will that last? How long before you want more than I can give you, and I see you looking at another man like that for real?"
"I would never do that."
"I wouldn't blame you if you did. You'd be well within your rights. We don't have sex. That's got to be frustrating for you."
Oh. He was talking about that again. I slid one leg over him, writhing close. "Griffin, you are very good at pleasing me."
He raised an eyebrow, one hand coming up to caress the thigh I'd draped on his body. "And that's enough?"
I shifted, straddling him. "Who says you're never going to be able to do it anyway?"
He shut his eyes. "What if I can't?"
"You said you wanted to keep trying," I said. "You said you didn't want them to be able to steal this from you forever."
He nodded, his eyes still shut.
I ran my hands over his chest, my fingers brushing his defined muscles.
He grabbed me by the wrists, but he didn't stop my movement. He held on while I touched him, eyes slammed shut, breath rapid.
I eased my hands under his shirt. His skin was warm and sleek. I loved the feel of him under my fingertips. I pushed his shirt up, expos
ing his bare skin.
He opened his eyes. "I don't know, doll."
"Does it feel good?" I whispered. "When I touch you, does it feel nice?"
"Yeah, but I keep thinking about-"
"You're not there," I said. "You're here with me. I love you." I leaned over him. I kissed him.
He met my lips eagerly, kissed me with enthusiasm.
He let me take his shirt off.
Bare chested, he lay under me, searching my eyes with his gray gaze. He looked so afraid.
I touched his cheek. "Do you want me to stop?" I didn't want to push him. I didn't want to hurt him.
"Yes," he said. I started to move off of him. He stopped me. "No."
I leaned down to taste his lips again. "Maybe," I said between kisses, "if you didn't have to do anything. If you just let me... take care of you."
"Maybe," he said. His voice was faint.
"You don't have to do this," I said. "We can stop. We can cuddle. We can just kiss."
"No, I want to," he said. He closed his eyes again.
I placed my lips on his chest, kissing him as softly and sweetly as I could. Surely my light touches couldn't make him think of anything rough or ugly. I thought of the way they had used him, they way they had hurt him, and it made me ache for him. I kissed him tenderly, as if I could kiss that pain away for both of us. My mouth made its way over his chest, down his stomach, and all the way to the place where his jeans were fastened.
He gasped.
I raised my eyes to see him looking down at me. "It's okay. It's only me."
He nodded.
"Do you want me to stop?"
"No," he said, but his voice was insubstantial, barely there.
Carefully, gently, I unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans. I peel them aside, and I could see that he was aroused. He strained against the fabric of his boxers.
We hadn't been intimate in this way, not really, and the sight of him that way stirred a longing inside me. I wanted him. I wanted to give him pleasure. I wanted to see him and touch him and taste him.
My breath quickened as I pulled away the thin fabric, freeing him.
I'd seen his body before, but not this close, and in so much detail. I smiled at it. I always thought this particular part of the male body was neat on a level that I couldn't quite explain. I wasn't drawn to it aesthetically, not exactly, but it fascinated me, and it urged me.
He was thick and long and beautiful.
I couldn't stop myself. I knew I should have asked, but I felt something roused inside me, an impatient longing. And I put my lips to him, tenderly enveloping his length.
At my touch, he shrunk almost immediately, softening in my mouth.
Griffin groaned. "I'm sorry."
I released his sex, sitting up. "I'm sorry. I went too fast."
"No," he said. "You were..." He sat up, reaching for me. "Take off your shirt. Let me look at you."
I complied, but there were questions in my eyes.
"It'll help," he said. "You're beautiful, and you turn me on."
I unclasped my bra.
He covered my breasts with his hands and pressed his lips against mine. I straddled him, and he sat up against me. His tongue teased mine. His fingers coaxed my nipples. And almost at the same time, we both seemed to wake up between our legs. His hardness was pressing against my dampness.
He tugged at my pants. "Off." He pushed me backwards, so that I lay down, and he looked down on me.
I wriggled out of my pants, kicking them off the bed.
He lay down over me, and we were completely naked against each other for the second time ever. I moaned, relishing the sensation of skin against skin. Fiery desires worked their way through my body. I wrapped my legs around him.
He was pressing against my stomach, dragging the length of his hardness over the softness of my belly.
"Are you okay?" I asked him.
He raised hooded eyes to mine. "I'm okay. Better than okay. Is this bothering you?"
I shook my head. Maybe I had been wrong earlier. Maybe it wasn't better for me to take care of him. Maybe he needed to take the initiative. Maybe if things were in his hands, he'd feel more in control, not as if he were being forced or hurt. "Nothing you do bothers me."
He buried his face in my neck, trailing a scalding line of kisses over my skin. I felt ablaze everywhere his skin touched mine, as if the two of us were catching fire. I clung to him, readjusting my legs so that I pulled him even tighter against me there.
He thrust again, but his thrust went lower than my belly. I was squirming under him, and I guess I was hard to pin down. He brushed me between my legs.
Sizzling thrills of pleasure went through me. I moaned, and I twisted my body, wanting him to rub me there again.
He did. I felt him slick and rigid, sliding over my sensitive skin.
And with his next thrust, he plunged inside of me.
We both cried out. Neither of us had quite expected it, I don't think. He hadn't planned it. I hadn't been thinking of anything other than the fact he felt good.
He didn't move for a minute. He rose up over me.
I gasped. He was filling me up, completing me, and it felt wonderful.
Our eyes met. He swallowed. I touched his face.
He kissed me. And he moved inside me, easing into rhythmic thrusts.
I sighed. His strokes were making something deep inside me smolder. Something exquisite and blissful was building.
He was still kissing me. His lips fluttered over my eyebrow, my cheekbone, my forehead. "Doll." His voice was ragged. "You feel..."
"You feel amazing," I said.
"I love you," he heaved.
I undulated beneath him, joining his rhythm. "I love you."
* * *
Later, we lay together, our bodies sweaty and spent. Griffin ran his fingers lazily over my arm and shoulder. My back was to his front-we were spooning.
"I didn't think I could do that," he said.
"You were actually very good at that," I said. I liked the different way our voices sounded now-relaxed and lazy and dreamy. Every bit of fear or discomfort or shyness had been swept away.
He nuzzled the back of my neck. "It's because of you, doll. Thank you."
Why was he thanking me? "I didn't do anything. I mean, it was an accident. We just ended up... you know."
"Mmm," he said. "A very nice accident."
I snuggled into him, sighing. Content.
Neither of us spoke again for a while. There was nothing but the sound of our breathing, and we drew breath together, in the same rhythm. We would fall asleep now. And I'd wake up in his arms. We were connected now, bonded. I felt it, the invisible ties between us. I'd never felt something so strong before. Of course, I didn't think I'd ever slept with someone for the first time after I was in love with him. And I hadn't ever loved anyone quite the way I loved Griffin. It was intense and bright hot, like a raging fire. It consumed me.
Then I realized something. I tensed. "Shit."
"What?" said Griffin. "What's wrong?"
I twisted in his arms. "We didn't use a condom. And I didn't even think about it."
"So what?" said Griffin, kissing my forehead.
"So what?" I said. "So what? So... what if one of us has AIDs? Or syphilis? Or herpes? I mean, thank God I'm on birth control, so we don't have to worry about that, but-"
"Doll, calm down."
I sat up. "I can't. I mean, I could have AIDs. I could have just killed you."
He laughed. "Leigh. You were injected with the serum, and I was too."
Oh. He was right. "The serum cures AIDs?"
"It cures everything," he said.
"Even herpes, which isn't life threatening?"
"Lie down." He tugged me back against him. "You are the most beautiful, wonderful, amazing thing that ever happened to me, and all I want to do in this moment is keep you close."
I took a deep breath. "So, I'm like impervious to STDs."
"S
top talking about STDs. It's unromantic."
"Sorry," I said.
"You're fine," he murmured, his voice a low rumble. "I won't let anything happen to you." His strong arms wrapped around me, and I did feel safe. I closed my eyes, snug and surrounded by Griffin.
* * *
"No way," Griffin was saying from Knox's hotel room. Their voices drifted through the open adjoining door.
"Look," said Knox. "If you weren't so busy making the springs squeak over there, maybe you'd be thinking clearly. We have to go into Op Wraith. Neither Caldwell nor French leave often enough for us to be able to make a hit on them otherwise."
"I'm thinking clearly," said Griffin. "And how is what's going on in my bed any of your business?"
"Walls are thin, bro."
I hid my face in a pillow. That was embarrassing. I didn't like the fact that they were essentially arguing over me in the next room, and I could hear everything they said.
"Since when am I your bro?"
"Yeah, since never," said Knox. "I don't want to be around you anymore than you want to be around me. All I want is to kill French and Caldwell, and then we can part ways and never see each other again."
"Fine. You and me. We go into Op Wraith."
"That's not going to work, and you know it. The only way it works is if I show up with Leigh. She was my mission. I was supposed to bring her in alive. I can pretend to have gotten confused and bring you both in alive."
"Bring her in alive? What?" Griffin sounded confused. And I had to admit, I was convinced they were trying to kill me, not capture me.
"Those were the orders," said Knox.
"Why didn't they want to kill her?"
"I don't know," said Knox. "They didn't tell me."
"That doesn't make any sense."
"Maybe they want to question her before they kill her. Find out if she told anyone about the serum."
"Maybe," said Griffin. "But I'm not taking her in there. Once she's inside, we'd all be separated, and I couldn't keep track of her. I can't let anything happen to her."
I went to the open door. I cleared my throat.
Griffin was standing. Knox was sitting on his bed. They both turned to look at me.
"Is it true that this is the only way to kill Caldwell and French?"
"Yes," said Knox.
"No," said Griffin.
"Knox, you've been gone for a long time," I said. "Will they believe that you're still working for them?"
Knox folded his arms over his chest. "I'll say Griffin was torturing me, which is the truth, and that I finally got free."
"Then what?" said Griffin. "They'll kill both Leigh and me. Maybe they'll kill you too."
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