by Todd Young
“I don’t want to sleep in a bed with you, you get that?” Jason said loudly, reemerging from the bathroom. “I don’t trust you. I don’t trust this …” Jason paused, shaking his hands worriedly in the air as though he were a child, “… sweet little boy thing. You’re some sort of prick. You’re fucking with my head!”
20
And so that night, Jason slept on the couch while Angel shared the bed with Finn.
“I like to sleep naked,” Finn said, after he’d closed the bedroom door.
“Sure.”
“You don’t want to take your things off?”
“I like to wear boxers.”
Finn nodded. He stepped out of his sneakers, untied the apron, and then stood naked by the bedside light, his pale body glimmering.
“You think I’m attractive?”
“You know you are.”
“Could you go for me — if it wasn’t for the angel thing?”
“Hell, I don’t know.” Angel fluffed his pillow and turned away. Then, with a sudden thought, he turned to Finn again. “You’re not very nice.”
“Nice?”
“No.”
Finn frowned.
“You know all about how I’m coming out here. You get in touch with Jason. And then you have it all worked out so we get the bed together tonight.”
“It was a fight.”
“It was a fight you started, Finn.”
“Can you fuck me?”
“What?”
“Can you fuck me?”
“I don’t have any condoms.”
“I don’t want you to use a condom.”
“Finn, I’m not just going to lie here and infect you.”
“You won’t — not if it’s just the once. We’d have to really go at it.”
“Why do you sound so convincing? Where do you get this tone from? I sometimes feel like you could make me do — anything.”
“Can I suck you off?”
“Suck me off?”
“Yeah.”
Angel turned away.
“Come on,” Finn said, kneeling on the bed and putting his hand on Angel’s shoulder. “How’s me sucking you off going to hurt anyone?”
Angel took a deep breath and exhaled roughly. “Okay,” he said, trying to put the thought of Finn’s hustling out of his mind.
“You want to pull your shorts off?”
Angel squirmed, slipped his boxers over his feet and kicked them over the edge of the bed.
“You been getting much?” Finn said.
“Getting much?”
“Been with anyone or been jacking off?”
“No. I … that time we jacked off in the shower, that’s the only time I’ve touched myself since …”
“You started to change?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you afraid of it or something?”
“I don’t know. I just don’t feel like it. I mean, normally, three or four times a day I jack off, but now, it’s like I’m a different person.”
Still, Angel’s cock had grown hard now and Finn nodded at it. He eased himself onto an elbow beside Angel and then reached for Angel’s cock, taking the head of it between his fingers and spreading a coin of slick over the eye of it with his thumb. Gradually, he worked his fingers onto Angel’s shaft. “Guys like you. It’s easy for you to jack off,” he said, “not having been circumcised. You’ve got all this extra skin. I really need lubricant.”
“You want me to look for some?”
“No. I’ll suck you off. I’ll show you how good it can be.”
Angel nodded, expecting Finn to move, but Finn stayed where he was, lazily working his hand along the shaft of Angel’s cock, the top of his head tucked under Angel’s chin.
Five minutes ago, Angel would have said no, that he wouldn’t have done it in a million years, but now, feeling as though he was doing something forbidden, and for which he ought to be ashamed, he slid his hand down Finn’s side, over his hip and onto his ass. The skin here was impossibly smooth and taut, but Angel wished Finn had left the apron on. He would have liked to toy with the ties, to have rolled them into the cleft of Finn’s ass and out again.
He sighed.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.”
“Not angry with me any more?”
“How could I be?” Angel said, and let a groan escape him. He gripped a handful of Finn’s butt and squeezed to show Finn what he meant. How could he be angry when he had this?
Finn hooked his finger in Angel’s navel. He cleaned it out with a circular movement, and then, as Angel rolled onto his back, he stuck his tongue in it and began to suck. Angel froze, his eyes wide in the darkness. Finn pulled away and Angel waited, thinking it wouldn’t happen again, but after a moment Finn began to move. He shuffled toward the foot of the bed, settled himself between Angel’s thighs, and then began to suck on Angel’s navel again, his fingers spread over Angel’s hips.
Angel’s cock rose insistently until it was pressed against the underside of Finn’s neck, where it slithered and wobbled as Finn eased himself forward and away again, sliding in an ever widening trail of precum. As Finn dug his tongue insistently into Angel’s navel, Angel gripped fistfuls of the sheets and tried to still his jittering legs. Then, unexpectedly, Finn reached between Angel’s legs and pinched the center of his sac. Angel’s legs spasmed and Finn laughed.
“You like that?”
Angel didn’t want to answer. He wanted them to be silent now — to pretend, somehow, that they weren’t where they were and weren’t doing what they were doing. Reluctantly, he broke the silence, though he wasn’t sure whether he’d liked it or not. “I guess,” he said.
“First time?”
“Yeah.”
“Are you ticklish?”
“Not really.”
“I kind of figured.”
There was silence.
“It’s better if you’re ticklish.”
It was too dark to see Finn’s face, or too dark to see it clearly. Still, Angel had the impression that they were staring at one another in the darkness, each of them turned to the other, each of them thinking of a kiss. Angel was on his back, Finn propped on an elbow, so Finn would have to lean forward. Angel expected it to happen. He saw Finn move, but then realized Finn was headed for Angel’s groin.
As he felt Finn’s warm breath brush over the skin of his hips, Angel stretched out a hand and placed it tentatively on the back of Finn’s neck. Finn’s hair was as smooth and slippery as a varnished surface. Angel managed to fold a lock of it between his fingers just as Finn ducked forward and took the head of Angel’s cock between his teeth.
Angel froze.
“Finn?” he said.
Finn managed to answer without letting go of Angel’s cock. “What?” he said, speaking with Angel’s cock held firmly between his teeth.
“Let it go.”
“I don’t think I can do that.”
Angel sighed in frustration and felt a bead of precum trail from the head of his cock, trailing down the underside as he lay rigid — and frightened, when it came right down to it — because he didn’t trust Finn.
“Finn?”
“Mmm.”
“Can you let go of it?”
“Mmm,” he said again, as though it were indeed possible, but Finn didn’t move. Then Angel realized Finn was increasing the pressure, bringing his teeth slowly together as he worked them from side to side. It wasn’t exactly hurting, but it was freaking Angel out. If Finn bit down he could take Angel’s head off.
Unexpectedly, Finn’s tongue began to work it’s way over the eye of Angel’s penis and Angel’s body spasmed. His cock jerked in Finn’s mouth, grating against his teeth, and Angel released an angry cry. He gripped Finn’s head, thinking he could somehow lift it off his cock, but as his fingers sank into Finn’s smooth, silky hair, Angel involuntarily closed his eyes, overwhelmed by pleasure. The head of his cock felt like it was on fire. Finn had his tongue folded over it,
the tip of it working its way insistently into the eye of Angel’s penis. The sharp sting of Finn’s teeth, biting into Angel’s flesh, somehow turned to pleasure in a confused firing of nerve endings, and at that moment, as though Finn knew exactly what Angel was feeling, he opened his mouth and fell forwards, forcing Angel’s cock deep into his throat as he released his weight onto it. He closed his mouth and sucked with all his might, Angel’s cock buried in his neck. As Angel came, Finn pulled away, sucking the cum from Angel’s cock. He moved off it with a loud kissing pluck, meant to be humorous, Angel guessed.
But as Angel came he had sat up, surprised more than anything, as he hadn’t expected it to happen. He frowned, gripped his cock and turned the bedside light on. The teeth marks were visible, as he might have expected. He lifted his eyes to Finn, who wiped his lips with something dark, with something thick and viscous the color of blood.
“Did you draw blood?” Angel said, his voice rising with anxious concern as he turned his attention to his penis again. He turned the head over and inspected it fearfully.
“Blood?”
“You’ve got blood on your lips,” Angel said, nodding at it.
Finn knelt forward and stared at Angel’s cock as he reached for his lips in silence. He licked his finger and frowned at it, confused, apparently. But a moment later he put his hand on Angel’s elbow, stilling Angel’s renewed efforts at finding a tear in the skin of his penis.
“It’s not blood,” Finn said.
“What?”
“It’s not blood.”
“What is it?”
“It’s …”
“What?”
“Black blood. A drop of black blood — from heaven.”
“Black blood?” Angel said, satisfied now that Finn hadn’t exactly damaged his penis.
Finn was sitting on his heels and had his thighs locked together, his hands held loosely in his groin. “Here,” he said, lifting himself onto his knees. He leaned forward and gripped Angel’s cock, holding it gently. Slowly, he started to milk the head. A drop of dark, gummy liquid rolled lazily from the head of Angel’s cock, and again, at first sight Angel thought it was blood.
“But it’s—”
“Cum,” Finn said.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
Finn let go of Angel’s cock and sat on his heels again. He pressed the heels of his hands into his groin and grinned enthusiastically, as though at a joke, and perhaps at the joke of them being naked together.
“You okay?” Angel said, making it clear by his tone that Finn looked a little cracked.
“Yeah,” Finn said, altering his tone so that it was suddenly serious.
“Did you know it’d be like that?”
“Yeah — I mean, I guessed.”
“And you swallowed it?”
“Yeah.”
“Why, Finn?”
“Because I want it in me, what you have. I want your disease.”
“But then you’ll be like me.”
“Well, that’s a whole lot better than being like me.”
21
Angel went to the bathroom, and when he returned, Finn was lying on his back with his hands behind his head.
“You do that a few more times. You fuck me. And then we’re brothers. Even if we can’t love each other, you’ll have a burgeoning angel for a friend. Someone to talk to.”
“Finn, you’re a hustler. You told me that yourself. I’m not going to fuck you without protection. And really,” Angel said, closing his eyes and with them his mind, “what the hell was with the blood? Is the inside of your mouth cut?”
It was silent for a moment. When Angel turned to Finn, Finn was watching him warily.
“What?”
“You saw it!” Finn said, his voice a whisper, as though he were a child, appalled at a parent’s capacity for dishonesty.
“What?”
“The jizz.”
“The jizz?”
“Your jizz.”
Angel opened his mouth and lifted his chin, ready to protest, but he had seen it, and as he closed his eyes and shivered he saw the dark bead of blood roll out of the head of his penis again. “And it’s blood?”
Finn laughed. “Well it’s not my blood,” he said. “It’s your blood.”
“My blood?”
“You come blood. Or it’s some kind of bloody stuff, dark and gooey.”
“And it looks alive,” he said, wanting to make a joke of it.
“And it looks alive,” Finn confirmed.
“And you’ve swallowed it.”
“Sure I have, and if you’re not careful, I’ll bite you on the neck while you’re sleeping and drink you into me. I’ve always fancied the idea of being a vampire.
“Here,” Finn said after a moment, motioning Angel to the bed. “Let me put my arms around you.”
Angel climbed onto the bed and lay beside Finn, shuffling into his arms. They breathed heavily, suddenly warm and awkward, but then, as they settled, Finn began to run his fingers along the deep valley between Angel’s shoulder blades.
“Feel better?”
“A little.”
“Not so tender?”
Angel shook his head.
“I’m already in love with you, you know? If you let this thing run out the way I say, then we can … escape.”
“Escape where?”
“Into the light.”
Angel was still for a few moments, trying to picture Finn as a potential partner, but the memory of Finn’s teeth on his cock emerged suddenly, and he pushed himself away from Finn, feeling a measure of renewed anger. “I just don’t think I’m ever going to be able to feel like that about you,” he said. “There’s something you’re not telling me. It was fucked up to get this disease. I see all sorts of shit. I’m living in some parallel world. But now, if I give it to you, everything’s going to be fine, you say.”
“Why can’t you trust me?”
“Because you’re not honest, Finn. You say you’re going to suck me off and you bite my cock. You tell me you’re a shard — as if that makes any kind of sense — but I don’t know anything about you.” He took a breath. “And you’re hustling.”
“I’ll stop hustling. I’ll get myself clean, get myself checked, and then, will you do it for me? Infect me?”
“I need to sleep,” Angel said, “and don’t touch me. I don’t want you touching me.”
22
They woke in a tangle of limbs. The skylight was spilling sunshine into the room as though pouring heat and light from a cauldron in an iron works. Outside, in the kitchen, Angel could hear Jason fixing himself some breakfast. Angel drew his boxers on and staggered into the kitchen. Jason had his head turned aside, fixed on the toaster.
“You sleep okay?” Angel said.
“That couch has lumps on lumps.”
“If you want, we could share the bed. I don’t have any particular love for Finn.’
“What was that?” Finn said, appearing in the bedroom doorway in a pair of jeans.
“I said I didn’t have any particular love for you.”
“Right. Well aren’t you dark this morning? I suppose you want me out of here, the two of you?”
There was an uncomfortable silence.
“You can sleep on the couch, Finn,” Jason said. His bright-eyed look from the previous evening had evaporated.
“Well, don’t expect to get his cock up your ass,” Finn said, “because he’s fighting his nature.”
“My nature?”
“You’ll know. You’ll know soon enough.”
Finn sat down and pulled a pair of sneakers on. “Well, I’m off to the clinic,” he said, standing and disappearing into the bedroom. He reemerged a moment later, struggling to pull a T-shirt over his head. “Off to see if I haven’t got AIDS or gonorrhea. I suppose you want some sort of document?” he said, turning to Angel.
“Finn. Like I said. It’s just not going to work. I’m not going to do that to you.”
“Yeah? Well how about you come for a walk?”
“A walk?”
“Yeah. You know? Fitness? Sunshine? All’s right with the world?”
“Can I have some cereal and a coffee?”
“Sure,” Finn said, and disappeared into the bathroom.
“That thing with his eyes. It really freaks me out,” Jason said, whispering now. “It’s like there’s no one in there. Like I’m looking at a mirror.”
Angel nodded, a vision of Finn as some sort of robot boy flitting across his mind. He fixed himself some Nutri-Grain. If he could somehow get everything into his pack right now, he would take off to Maine and stay with his Aunt Faith. All of this was too … fucked up. And Finn was fucked up. How could he ever expect anyone to like him?
Finn trotted ahead of Angel down the stairs, light on his toes, as though he didn’t have a care in the world.
“It’s over on Greenpoint,” he said.
“Yeah. Well, you’ll have to show me where that is. This place is a jungle.”
They walked along Manhattan Avenue. Finn said he knew the place inside out. “Two days and it was like being home again.”
Angel thrust his hands into his pockets and hunkered down in his jacket a little. In the canyons it was dark, and there was a cold wind blowing.
“You want to get some crack on the way back?”
“Some crack? Finn, you’ve got to be kidding. I don’t do drugs.” He turned to Finn, glimpsed a smile plucking at the corners of his lips, and realized Finn was messing with him.
“No. I don’t do them myself,” Finn said. “Not that I haven’t, but I don’t. It doesn’t help things.”
Then Finn said, “Look out,” and gripped Angel’s sleeve.
“What?”
“Keep your head down. Don’t look at the black dude coming toward us.”
“What was that?” Angel said, once they’d passed the guy and Finn had let go of his sleeve.
“He’s a master. A lord. You don’t get in the way of a guy like that. He can do pretty much anything he wants.”
“Anything he wants?”
“Yeah — like — mass murder. Let loose with an assault rifle.”
