by Todd Young
“That probably wasn’t ideal,” Finn finally said. “But it looks like it might be okay.” He paused. “We’ll have to work on it.”
81
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding, Finn. There’s no way I’m ever doing that again.”
“Come on, Angel, look how much fucking stronger we are. Hell, I’m touching everyone now. I can hear them all.”
“Can you tell Cole—?”
“Fuck Cole!” Finn spat and turned away. He crossed the cell and stood in the corner, his back heaving.
“Finn, I do love you,” Angel said after a few moments had passed.
“So you keep saying.”
“It’s just … Cole …”
“Cole comes first. You think I don’t know that, Angel?”
Angel crossed to Finn and laid a hand on his shoulder. “Hey,” he said gently, and tried to turn him.
Sulkily, Finn pulled away.
“You know, Finn, you kept pushing me, so you got what you wanted.”
“And you didn’t want it?”
“No. I wanted it.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Hell, Finn, I still want it, but I’m not going there again.”
“That bad, was it?”
Angel heard the bitterness in Finn’s voice and shook his head. He couldn’t help loving him all the more now. He’d seen inside him. But that … that couldn’t have been right. What the hell would have happened if they kept …?
“Did you know that would happen?”
“What?”
“That we’d … join together.”
“Is that what you’re calling it?”
Angel hesitated to speak.
Finn wheeled on him. “I’ve just had the most profound experience of my life and you want to belittle it?”
“Finn.”
“Don’t ‘Finn’ me, Angel. I see you now. You’re a fucking coward.”
This hurt, because Angel realized it as being essentially true. The courage he’d seen in Finn was something he’d never have. He was too afraid of getting hurt, of being humiliated, too afraid of dying, Finn had no fear of these things.
Angel walked away. He wandered across the cell and sat in the corner with his head in his hands. He wished he could get away from Finn and at the same time wished he could touch him again. He nursed loneliness, his chest empty, feeling it acutely after having been so close to another person.
After minutes had passed, he lifted his head and glanced at Finn. Finn was lying on his side, in a fetal position. He was sleeping, cocooned in his wings.
82
Despite the cold, they slept apart. Angel was too angry to make a move. He watched Finn sleep, hating his beauty and raw sexual appeal and paradoxically wishing Finn would wake and cross the cell and lie with him. Deep in the night, he turned onto his back and stared at the darkness, barely able to make out the shape of the grid.
It might not have been like that with Cole. He was closer to Cole, and he didn’t think there was anything in Cole’s personality that would have come as a huge surprise. With Finn, it was just too weird. Jason might be able to put up with that sort of thing, but Angel knew he couldn’t. Chains and whips and all that sort of stuff sickened him, or it had, though now he’d been close to Finn he could see the temptation of it. He understood how and why Finn wanted it, and despite his own nature, it was seductive.
But how much nicer would it be to spend time with Cole, the two of them loving each other wholeheartedly?
Angel sighed.
Of course, he said to himself, and closed his eyes.
When he woke in the morning, Finn was standing over him.
“What?”
“I can’t handle not touching you.”
“Well, it wasn’t my fucking idea.”
Finn nodded. He bit his lips and turned away, his face coloring. “And that’s all the invitation I get, is it?” He nodded at Angel, who hadn’t moved.
Angel opened his arms.
After staring at him for a moment, Finn relented. He sank to the floor gracefully, lay beside Angel and let himself be comforted. “You’re never going to bind with me, are you?” he said, safe in Angel’s wings.
“Finn.”
“Just tell me.”
Angel considered things for a moment. “You think that’s what we were doing?”
“I know it is.”
He frowned. “Yeah, but you know, I don’t think it felt right. It couldn’t have meant to be like that.”
“Well, of course not. We’re not mates.”
“But we were … we were … the same person. We were just … one person.”
“Well, almost, if we hadn’t panicked.”
“What do you think that would have looked like?”
“What?”
“Being one person?”
“Hell, how should I know?”
“It felt … sick, Finn.”
It didn’t feel sick to me.
Well, that’s because you were the one … Angel stopped, realizing they’d slipped into thought.
But it was too late. Finn understood and he got up.
“Finn.”
“No, I’m too sick for you,” he said, and wandered away.
83
The following day, Angel woke with his face crumpled against cold stone. He turned abruptly, anxiety flooding him. He wanted to know where Finn was and if he was okay even if they hadn’t spoken since yesterday. Finn was already awake, seated with his back against the wall and his thighs apart. His cock was stiff and he was jacking off.
Angel watched in silence, an erection rising beneath his feathers. When Finn came, he lifted his eyes and gazed at Angel impassively, jism spurting from his cock and onto the greasy floor.
Angel closed his eyes. He wasn’t going to let Finn get to him. Sure, he loved the guy; there was no way he could deny that. But he didn’t love him the way he loved Cole.
In fact, if Finn hadn’t checked with Cole and made sure it was okay, Angel never would have agreed to try and bind with Finn. He was sure of that now. It was a mistake, and they were paying the price.
Finn broke their long silence by unexpectedly saying, “Can you hurt me?” He glanced at Angel pitifully, breaking into his thoughts.
“What?”
“Can you kick me or punch me or cut me or something.”
Angel closed his eyes. Now that he was so close to Finn, he couldn’t help understanding. Finn was so wretched he was prepared to let Angel hurt him in the hope of sparking any interest, no matter how self-seeking on Angel’s part. As long as Finn had the illusion of love, the way his father had wanted him, he didn’t care how much it hurt.
For Finn, the pain was proof. It was love.
“Finn, I’ve told you I love you. Isn’t that enough?”
Finn twisted his face in bitterness. “Don’t fucking psychoanalyze me,” he said. He got up and began to pace the cell, crossing along the back wall.
An hour or so passed. On the other side of the corridor, Juan and Ben slept quietly, cloaked in each other’s wings. Finn eventually stopped pacing and sank to the floor just as Hunter appeared, passing the cell on his daily rounds. Angel squinted, watching him sink into the darkness. It was always interesting to see who he’d reemerge with. There were so many angels, and they were all so different. No matter how broken or battered they looked, Angel found them all invariably beautiful, some of them startlingly so. In fact, now that he considered the glimpse he’d caught of himself yesterday, when he was hanging over Finn’s body, he realized there was something very obviously odd about the way he, the way all of them, looked.
Ethereal suggested a certain type of delicate perfection too flawless for the world, and this wasn’t quite right. There might have been something delicate about Jason or Cole, but there certainly wasn’t anything delicate in most of the angels. They were not only masculine, but frighteningly powerful, or the heft of their wings gave them that impression. They could really only be called ethereal in the sense
of seeming otherworldly, the force of this carried in the set of their eyes, as gleaming and unfathomable as deep space. Angel was unable to shake the unease that had coursed through him as he stared into his own eyes yesterday. It was as though he were a creature he didn’t know, a being now familiar with arcane mysteries.
He shivered.
A door clanged in the darkness, and a moment later, footsteps approached. A pale light bobbed in the distance, a shock of fair hair. Angel blundered to his feet. He knew, even before he saw his face, that it was Cole.
“Cole?” he cried, gripping the frigid bars as Cole surfaced from the darkness. More than anything, he wanted to talk to Cole about Finn. He wanted to make sure it was okay with him.
Cole stopped, his face ashen. “Angel?”
Angel nodded, drawing his hands from the bars and taking a step backwards. Cole was so … different. Angel had been looking at Finn for so long that he’d forgotten how … real Cole was. He was so genuine. So honest. He was staring at Angel now with wide, incredulous eyes. He looked confused.
“Angel?” he said, his voice rising shakily.
“Cole.”
Cole swallowed, staring at Angel as though astounded. He stood stock still for a moment and then turned to Finn. “Am I seeing things?”
Seeing things? Angel thought.
Finn dropped his head and stared at the floor.
“Finn?” Cole said, prodding him.
Angel stepped forward. “I’m right here, Cole. I’m right here.”
“No,” Cole said, shaking his head and backing from the bars. “You’re not real. I know it’s not you. You’re dead. Finn said you were … dead.”
“Dead?”
“Jason told me. He said you died weeks ago.”
“Dead?” Angel took a breath and said, “What?” rounding on Finn, his voice explosive. “You told him I was dead?”
Finn shrugged.
“You told him I was dead?”
“Girls, girls, girls.” Hunter said. He lifted the cattle prod and struck Cole on the back of the head. Cole’s eyelids fluttered. His knees buckled and his head hit the floor with a crack.
For a moment, Angel was too stunned to react. Then he lifted his head, rage overwhelming him. “If you fucking hurt him …”
Hunter prodded Cole’s shoulder with his foot. “Get up, you little faggot.” He stared at Cole for a moment, as though he held a passing, perhaps scientific, interest. Then he said, “Looks like he’s dead.”
His chest was rising and falling steadily. “You knocked him out, you fuckhead.”
“What did you say to me?”
“I said you knocked him out.”
“Right. Well, I’ll come back for you, then.”
He bent forward and gripped Cole by the wrists, stretching his limp, naked body and crushing his wings as he dragged him back into the darkness.
84
Angel turned to Finn. He opened his mouth, made a strangled sound and closed it again.
Finn stared at him impassively.
“You told him I was dead?”
Finn failed to move, and Angel, enraged, began to advance on him.
“You told Jason I was dead?”
“Angel.” Finn lifted his hands. “You don’t—”
Angel swatted his hands away. “I don’t what, Finn?” He gripped his throat and clutched hard. Crazily, Finn smiled, and Angel, sickened, released him. As he turned away, a door clanged in the darkness.
“Angel, really …” Finn began. “I …”
But now Hunter was approaching.
“Hey!” Angel said, crossing the cell rapidly and gripping the bars. “He doesn’t have it.”
“What’s that?”
“Finn. He doesn’t have AIDS. He lied to you. Neither of them have it.”
Hunter raised his eyebrows and considered Angel for a moment. “Is that so?” he said, a knuckle on his chin. He glanced at Finn and then at Angel again. “That’s not what his boyfriend says.”
“Yeah … well,” Angel spluttered.
“Stop, Angel,” Finn said, advancing quickly from the corner. He gripped Angel’s arm. “You know I’ve got it. We went for those tests. I gave it to Jase. You know that.”
Angel shook his head determinedly, his eyes burning into Finn’s. He didn’t care what game the little fuckhead was playing. He thrust him away and Finn stumbled, falling to the floor.
Angel turned to Hunter, opened his mouth, and said, “He can …” before stopping. He’d been about to tell Hunter that Finn could communicate with Jason and Aaron and the other angels, but he pulled himself up. It didn’t make sense. Why would Finn tell Cole he was dead? Why was he so desperate to protect himself from Hunter?
Because I love him.
A cold shiver rocked Angel. He knew Finn so well he couldn’t fail to understand. He turned to him. Finn was sprawled on the floor where Angel had thrust him. You love … him?
I can’t help it.
Angel gazed at Finn, inhaling fearfully.
He’s so cruel.
Angel bowed his head just as Hunter said, “What are you two talking about?”
“Nothing.”
“He said something to you just now.”
“It’s nothing,” Angel said, rounding on him. “I got it all wrong. He doesn’t have it.”
Hunter narrowed his eyes. He stared at Angel for a long time before turning his eyes on Finn. “I tell you what,” he said, glancing at Angel. “I’d say, with a little persuasion, I’ll be able to get the truth out of Jason.” He lifted the cattle prod, waggled it, and then turned and walked away, trailing the prod along the bars with a series of sparks and echoing clangs.
85
“You love him?”
“I can’t help it. I’ve tried to tell you before, Angel. I fall in love with everyone.”
“But, him?”
“He reminds me of my dad — I mean, he’s twisted.”
“Finn, he’d fucking kill you if he thought it’d be fun. How much pain do you want? You want to be dismembered? Torn apart?”
Finn was sitting huddled now, with his arms around his knees. He dropped his head, and a moment later, Angel realized he was crying.
He turned away. He was simply too angry to comfort Finn now. He frowned, playing back over what had just happened, and then turned to Finn with a renewed sense of anger.
“What was the point of it? Why the fuck did you tell Cole I was dead?”
“Because I want to bind with you,” Finn said, lifting his head and all but screaming the words. His face was twisted, distorted with tears. “I want to get out of this fucking place!” He was getting to his feet. “And I’m doing everything in my power to achieve that while you,” and here he thrust his face against Angel’s, “keep acting like a fucking child!”
“Piss off, Finn,” Angel said, and pushed him in the chest. He turned away and closed his eyes.
A moment later a door clanged, and Angel inhaled, steeling himself for Hunter’s return. He heard their voices before he saw them, Jason talking conversationally, as though to a friend. Hunter paused in front of the cell, stopping Jason with a hand on his elbow.
Jason was almost unrecognizable. He was pale from the cells, but Angel hadn’t seen him since he’d changed. His appearance had altered in the most startling manner. He was taller, his muscles ripped. Tawny, chestnut wings towered over his head. His bearing was graceful, as though he were a dancer, his face was so painfully beautiful that Angel winced when he caught sight of it. Jason was as perfect as a porcelain doll, and yet beneath it, so obviously calm and kind and gentle that the overall impression was irresistible.
Angel swallowed, a frisson of desire licking at him.
“I thought I might try it with Jase first,” Hunter said. “He has been off limits, and I do kind of fancy him. I might save you up for tomorrow, Finny.”
He had Jason’s wrist now, and though Jason looked calm enough, there was a burn mark on his nipple. It didn’t seem
to be troubling him. He had his eyes fixed on Finn, his face dreamy and devoted.
Finn rushed forward and gripped the bars. “Just do as he says, Jase.”
Jason nodded, a lock of auburn hair falling over his brow. Hunter tugged on his wrist and he jolted, turning away. A moment later they were gone.
“Fuck!” Angel said.
“What?”
“What the hell’s going to happen tomorrow, if you have sex with him?”
Finn shrugged.
“But you love him? I mean — really?”
Finn averted his face. “Maybe you ought to kill me.”
“Kill you?”
“Hell, I don’t know.”
“Can’t you …?” Angel scrambled to think. “If you stay out of the sun and refuse your water, then maybe you’ll be too weak to …” But Angel knew it was hopeless.
“It wouldn’t make any difference. I love him, and if we’re together … I mean, it almost happened with you. There’s a good chance we’ll bind.”
“But he couldn’t love you. He couldn’t love anyone.”
Finn shrugged. “Maybe,” he said. “I suppose that’s our only hope.”
86
That night, Angel and Finn slept in each other’s arms again. Deep in the night, Finn woke Angel, moaning and twitching. Their bodies were pressed tight together, their cocks erect, and as Angel woke, Finn ejaculated, flooding the space between them with sticky fluid, groaning in his sleep.
Angel smiled, unable to ignore the humor of it. His instinctive reaction was to pull away, but he was too cold.
Finn’s cock gradually softened as Angel’s jerked, straining now with the urge for release. He began to hump Finn’s leg as gently and as quietly as he could as he didn’t want Finn to wake and realize what he was doing. He was sinking into the pleasure of it when a disturbing thought intruded. It suddenly occurred to him that Finn couldn’t have asked Cole if it was okay for the two of them to bind, because as far as Cole was concerned, Angel had been dead.
“Fuck you’re a cockhead!” Angel said, thrusting Finn away in disgust. “And you’ve fucking come over me.” His voice was rising angrily.
