Riddled with anxiety, I did my best to fake my feelings. I wore a face that said I was happy, in love, and eager for my dinner date with Jackson, knowing full well that the majority of the photos being taken of us now would soon be shared on social media.
Power through this, I thought. Don’t you dare let them see for a moment how you really feel…
“What do you need from me right now?” the captain asked Austin.
“If you’d lead us to the paparazzi, Jackson and Sienna will pause for photographs. We will give them only a moment, because we aren’t going to allow them to press Sienna about what happened to her today. She will smile at Jackson’s side, but she will not answer them. When I nod at you, I need you to get us onto that yacht.”
Who’s to say I won’t answer them, Austin? I wondered.
“Done,” the man said. “Follow me before this turns into something none of us want. We’re not far from the yacht.”
“We need to make this quick and dirty,” Austin said.
“I’ll make that happen,” the captain said.
When we came upon the paps, Jackson and I were overcome by flashing lights. Smiling, we stood as one before the questions began in earnest, all of which were focused on me.
“Sienna, what is your response to what happened to you today?”
“Sienna, the man who accosted you has been arrested. What do you have to say to him?”
“Sienna, you were sexually assaulted today. Would you please share with the world how you’re feeling now?”
That was exactly the kind of question I’d been seeking, so I chose to address the reporter. I turned to her.
“As anyone who has been sexually assaulted, today has been difficult. To get through it, I drew on the strength of all of the brave women and men who have recently come out to share with the world their own experiences. Did I ever think this would happen to me? Never. Did any of those who came before me think it would ever happen to them? Not once. But it did, and I stand united with them in love and in solidarity. What happened to me today will not define me, but it will inform me, and I promise you that it will strengthen me. I thank God for the women and men who have come forward with their stories of sexual assault. They have selfishly put their reputations on the line in an effort to shed light on an ugly truth that must be told. I want to give my profound thanks to them for getting me through today, because they did. My promise to them and to you is this—my voice joins theirs. And together? As more voices rise up to be heard? We will create change.”
When I said that, the cameras flashed rapidly as Jackson gripped my hand in a show of support.
“Sienna, please…turn to the left. Let the world see how beautiful and strong you are tonight.”
I rather liked that question, so I did turn to my left. And I did so with Jackson at my side. With every turn we were asked to take, I made certain that Jackson turned with me until I saw Austin catch Jackson’s eye.
And that was that.
Jackson held up a hand, we thanked everyone, and with the captain leading the way, we boarded the yacht together—with Austin and David joining us for the ride.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
For the next hour, Jackson and I explored the yacht together, eventually finding ourselves on the third deck, which offered the best views of Manhattan.
It was twilight. With Jackson at my side, I stood at the railing and allowed the cool breeze to wash over me as the yacht traveled upriver. It was a welcome relief after what had been a searing day in the city—in more ways than one. With my dress fluttering around me and my hair lifting off my shoulders, for the first time that day I felt a sense of calm. Seeing Manhattan ablaze in lights like this was as heady as it was amazing.
“You’re quiet,” Jackson said to me.
“Am I?” I said. “I’m sorry. I’m just enjoying the show right now. Look at how beautiful the city is like this. And there’s no noise. No photographers. Nobody shouting questions at us. I get to enjoy tonight and this yacht with my friend—which is you, Jackson. Together we get to admire a city I’ve come to love from a perspective I’ve never seen before. It’s kind of perfect.”
“I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself, Sienna. You deserve it after today.”
I looked over at him as I wrapped an arm around his waist.
“How about you?” I asked. “How are you holding up?”
“Me?” he asked with a shrug. “I’m OK.”
“Just OK?”
“Yeah…I mean, the shoot is going well. You’ve been great throughout all of this. And the noise surrounding my sexuality seems to have ended. I guess this whole fake-relationship thing worked. Good for me.”
When he said that last part, it sounded almost sarcastic to me.
“Are you happy about that?” I asked.
He looked out at the water. “In some ways I am. In others, I’m not.”
“Jackson, if you need someone to confide in, I’m always here for you. And I’d never betray you.”
“That’s the thing about you, Sienna,” he said as he looked at me. “I know you wouldn’t.”
I took hold of his arm and squeezed it. “Look, how about if we have a martini together and chill out in those chairs behind us. We’re alone now—it’s just the two of us. We can talk freely here. Dinner will be different. There will be waiters around us.”
“And less privacy?”
“Exactly,” I said.
“I’m down for a martini,” he said.
“Good, because I’d love to have one.”
“Let me use the phone to order them,” he said as we left the rail and moved toward the two deck chairs that had been set out for us. Between them was a table, on which was the phone to call the staff. He took my hand and helped me into my seat before he picked up the receiver and ordered our drinks. “Five minutes,” he said as he hung up the phone. “Let’s enjoy the view in the meantime.”
* * *
Over the next hour, Jackson and I sipped our martinis and enjoyed each other’s company. Before I went there with him, I wanted him to feel relaxed and safe with me, so we just started to talk about everything and anything.
He shared more of his Hollywood stories with me, which ranged from the downright racy to the outrageously hilarious. He was curious about what it was like to be a model, so I shared a few priceless stories of my own, including the time I’d been ambushed with an unexpected waxing before a Victoria’s Secret show—and that it hadn’t been just me. It had been all the models. When we’d arrived before the show, we’d been asked to disrobe and lie on yoga mats scattered around a large and otherwise empty room. And then, before I knew it, women in white surgical jackets arrived, and it became a waxing free-for-all.
“Imagine the screams!” I said to him. “I felt like I was in a Fellini movie.”
“I can’t believe they sprang that on all of you,” he said with a laugh. “And with zero privacy.”
“In the modeling world, you get used to the no-privacy thing,” I said. “Naked bodies everywhere. But the group waxing thing? The suddenly no-hair-down-there thing? That shit was just bizarre. Some of the girls had done the show before, so it was nothing new to them. But since that was my first and last show, it sure as hell was new to me.”
“Women get the raw end of the stick,” he said as he finished his drink. “I mean, I’m down with keeping everything groomed down there, but to rip it out with hot wax? That just sounds like torture to me.”
“It is torture,” I said. “And you’re kind to admit that men do have it easier. Men, for instance, don’t have Aunt Flow visiting them every month. They don’t have to push out a child. Or feed that child when it’s hungry. Or go through menopause later in life.” I finished my own drink. “The list is endless.”
“Shall we salute to the bravery of your kind with another drink?”
“Please, let’s.”
My aim wasn’t to get Jackson drunk—I already knew what that looked like. Instead, my aim w
as to get him to a point where he’d be willing to let down his formidable guard and be open with me. If I could get him there, then I could set into motion something that might offer Jackson everything he was denying himself.
Love.
When the waiter left us with our second round of martinis, we touched glasses and took a quick sip. I waited until I was certain we were alone before I spoke.
“So…who dressed you tonight?” I asked. “You wouldn’t say in the car, but whoever it was nailed it. You seriously look good.”
“You think?”
“I know.”
“And you also know it was another man, don’t you?”
“Am I that obvious?” I asked.
“In the most endearing of ways, yes. But it’s OK. I was weighing out whether to talk to you about him tonight, anyway. To be honest, I’ve got no one to talk to when it comes to this. If I said anything to Mimi, she’d just warn me away from him and tell me to think about my career. Austin’s instinct would be to protect me—in whatever form that might take, which is unpredictable. What I need is someone who’s just willing to listen to me.”
“I think you found your girl, Jackson.”
“I know I have—and I appreciate it more than you know, Sienna. Because I’m really struggling right now.”
“You are?” I asked in surprise.
“Yeah,” he said. “I am.”
“Jackson, I’m so sorry. You should have some to me sooner. You should never feel that you are isolated. Who’s the guy?” I asked.
“His name is Ash,” he said.
“Is he the man you kissed on the plane?”
“Yes. We’ve been seeing each other on the sly for about eight months now. When it comes to Austin…I know you don’t know this about him, but he’s kind of brilliant when it comes to doing things undercover.”
“A side of him I’ve never seen,” I said.
“It’s true. He got Ash into my apartment today. It was the first time we’d seen each other since that kiss of ours went public. And guess what?”
“What?”
“Seeing him again confirmed everything I was trying not to feel before we had to separate because of my career. But being with him today, just when I thought I was about to lose him? Fuck it. I’m in love with him, Sienna, and it took the possibility of losing him for me to even realize that I was. I need some guidance here. Have you ever been in a situation even remotely like this before?”
As realization struck, it occurred to me that I was in that exact situation right now. I closed my eyes as my heartbeat quickened.
I’ve been in denial, I thought. After what Eric did to me, I never wanted to put myself in the position of being hurt again. And because of that, I didn’t want to recognize what was right in front of me. And that’s love. I’ve tried my best to call it a million other things, but somehow I’ve fallen in love with Austin. I can try to convince myself that it’s something else, but that’s what it is. That’s what I’ve been feeling: love.
In earnest, I turned to Jackson.
“If you were to look back on your relationship with Ash, how long were you seeing him before you think you fell in love with him?”
“I don’t believe in love at first sight,” he said. “That’s for fucking sure. But when it came to Ash, I don’t know why, but it didn’t take me long to feel just that. Looking back, I think we had been seeing one another for only a month or so when I first started to have those feelings for him.”
“Only a month?”
“About that,” he said. “I know it sounds ridiculous to feel that way after such a brief period of time, but I fell in love with him quickly. He’s that great. He’s that smart, kind, sexy, funny, loving—everything. Being with him has been powerful.”
What the hell have I been doing?
“Look, Sienna—I’ve been with a lot of men in my life, but there’s something about Ash that’s special. He gets me. He’s exactly the kind of person I want to spend the rest of my life with, but I can’t. And I hate that I can’t. I’ve tried my best to fake it through this ‘relationship’ of ours, but it’s getting harder and harder to do. You want to know why?”
I already knew why, but I wanted to hear him say it himself. “Why?” I asked.
“It’s because I feel like a fucking fraud,” he said, his eyes becoming bright. “Ash is it for me—he’s the one—and yet because of my fame and my career, I can’t allow him fully into my life. I’m angry about that. And it’s breaking my heart that I can’t.”
I reached out and held his free hand.
“Have you told him that?”
“I did. We made love this afternoon. And when we did, I told him I was in love with him. That’s when things got emotional between us…but in a good way. We held each other, just soaked each other in. But when he wanted to talk about our future, that’s where I disappointed him.”
“How?”
“Ash has been out of the closet since he was nineteen. He understands why he feels I can’t come out, but in the end, he also said that if I don’t, what’s the point of putting ourselves through this? Was he just someone to be put away? To be seen in quiet and on the side? I told him he wasn’t, so what now? He’s given me one month to get my shit together. He said that for the sake of his own heart, he’d have to walk away, because it would be the right thing to do for both of us.”
“Let me ask you a question,” I said.
“Please, ask away. I need whatever kind of insight I can get from you.”
“What does your life look like without him in it?” I asked. “If you broke up right now, what does it feel like without him in it?”
“Fucking bleak,” he said. “What if you were in my situation, Sienna? What would your life look like if you were in my shoes?”
“The same,” I said.
Because it already does.
“Right?” he said.
“Jackson, I need you to listen to me now.”
“I know what you’re going to say.”
“You probably do, but are you going to listen to me or not?”
“I’ll listen.”
“Good, because ever since I learned that you’re gay and that there was this mystery man on the side, I’ve been thinking about your situation. I’ve turned it over in my head time and again, and I still come down to one thing.”
“What’s that?” he asked.
“What if you did come out? What if you owned who you are? What if you set an example for people who are struggling with the same issues you’re struggling with? What if you skewered the stereotypes that continue to plague gay men? Everyone views you as this butch alpha male, which you are. The fact that you’re gay changes none of that, because that is who you are. I mean, you strap yourself to fucking planes, Jackson. Show me how many straight men would get off on that in ways that you’ve told me you do! You once told me that you didn’t want to come out because you feared it would harm your legacy. But here’s what I think you’ve missed—what if your legacy is greater than the movies you’ve made? What if it’s also about being a role model and a badass game changer?”
He didn’t answer me—and for the first time since I’d been talking to him about his sexuality, he also didn’t shut me down, which was a gold-star win for me. So, I just seized the moment and charged forward.
“Listen to me now. What if your legacy isn’t what you originally thought it was? What if you were put on this earth to become a celebrity for a reason? What if your life is to be remembered not just for the movies you’ve made but also for becoming a trailblazer? Someone people look up to? Someone who has saved other people’s lives because they look up to you? Have you considered any of that?”
He looked shell-shocked when I said that.
“No,” he said. “Not like that.”
“Fair enough,” I said. “Because I get it—this is overwhelming for you. So, my best advice is that you rethink the kind of legacy you could leave behind as opposed to the false, uns
poken legacy you were thinking of leaving behind before Ash came into your life. Is that what you want? Is hiding behind a curtain how you want to leave this earth? And then there’s Ash. Since you’re in love with him, you must also consider that you might never find a man like him again. I heard the love and conviction in your voice when you told me all the reasons why you love him, Jackson. I felt all of it to my core. What we both know at this point in our lives is that men like Ash don’t come around often, do they? No, they don’t. Men like them are fucking rare. And just so you know, here’s some breaking news I’ve only shared with Julia, who is my best friend—but since I can see you and I becoming great, lifelong friends, I’ll come clean with you. I’m in the same situation you’re in right now.”
When I revealed that to him, his eyes widened.
“You are? With whom?”
“It’s still fresh and personal,” I said. “Unlike you, his name is not something I’m ready to share with anyone just yet. But when I am, I’ll share it with you first in honor of how open, honest, and trusting you’ve been with me tonight. I’ve got a lot on my mind right now, but our conversation tonight made one thing very clear to me. I’m also in love with someone…someone I’ve been pushing away from me because I’m contractually bound to you. If I can, I plan to correct that. So, please…wish me well with that.”
“Sienna, I had no idea.”
“Before our conversation tonight, neither did I, Jackson. But after listening to what you’re going through, I knew that in a similar way, I’m going through the same thing. I’m in love with someone who is actively distancing himself from me right now because I keep throwing up walls. I need to fix that…although I’m not sure how.”
“We can talk about it if you want,” he said.
“Tonight isn’t about me,” I said. “Tonight needs to be about you, because you’re the one who’s been handed a deadline. We both know that you have two choices: either you come out and allow Ash to be part of your life, or you continue to focus on your career and lose him in the process. You have worked hard to get where you are at this point in your life. I understand your fear. But I will always champion real love first, which I believe is what you feel for him. Is it?”
Faking It Page 19
