“No! Who?” Dariouse asked as he scratched his head. I could see his eyes become shifty as he tried to take in what I’d just told him.
“The rumour was that she escaped to meet a lover in one of the other mental institutions on the other side of town. It was only a rumour until they caught her one day, lying fast asleep in her lover’s arms.” I had to hide my smile and pretended to be perplexed. “It was after that incident that she escaped for good and returned to you and father. It would have been roughly…, when you were fifteen.” I said as Dariouse looked like he wanted to explode. His face was turning a bright pink, his body language told me he was ready to throw up. This is perfect I thought, feeling pleased with myself for the blatant fat lie I’d just told.
“No… no Khedlar, it can’t be, she wouldn’t, and she would have told me. She tells me everything!” he wailed out in pure disbelief.
“I’m sorry but I had to tell you, I couldn’t bare my own brother not knowing the truth about the one who calls herself our mother and acts so fake like you are her everything.” I said knowing I had won him over, sweet revenge whispered in my head. I felt happy and excited how I would now be able to use Dariouse to destroy mother! He was falling apart at the seams. It was time to go in for the kill.
“Brother, let’s work together to find out what else she is hiding. She has messed with your mind and heart enough don’t you think? I want to help you get back your self-respect. I didn’t want to get involved in the lies and deceit, but for you, I will brother.” I sounded convincing even to my own ears.
“Yes, you are right… I feel like such a fool believing all her lies of how she loved me. It makes me sick to my stomach but I am happy you told me. Khedlar does father know all this?” he asked like a scared child.
“I don’t know but we have to keep it to ourselves for now until we find out if father is in on the lies as well, okay?” I said asking for him to see how delicate the situation was.
“Okay I trust you,” he said as we both finished off our lunch and agreed to keep our secret.
We were going to be spying on Georgia whether she liked it or not. I needed to know her routine, who she saw, what she did, every detail of her life as she knew it to be if I was going to understand her motivation to lie so freely to me.
We left my home and drove the battered ford to Georgia’s house. I parked a bit down the street so we couldn’t be seen from the mansion. The evening air was chilly and still, as anticipation filled my racing thoughts. We sat there chatting about our lives in general, neither of us giving away anything important about ourselves. I asked him detached questions that I didn’t really care about the answers to and he gave me answers which were just feasible enough to be classified as an explanation.
I kept my eye on the mansion from across the road and at about eight forty-five Georgia appeared and started to walk down the driveway to her car. She had a red Renault Laguna in good condition apart from a couple of scratches and a small crack on the left hand side of the rear bumper. She was obviously a bad driver and bumped into things quite a bit.
She wore her hair down and a wedding ring on her chicken skin finger. By the time she drove away the street lights had come on as darkness had descended. It was the perfect time to go have a closer look around her house.
We broke in with ease as night latches are the equivalent of leaving your door wide open for anyone who knows how to use a credit card. I slipped my card down inside the door frame to release the pressure of the lock. I held it in place while I quietly opened the door. I waved at Dariouse to follow me inside and he nodded his understanding.
Everything was going to plan when the alarm went off in the mansion. The high pitched sound sent my mind back to the past, reminding me of my aunt’s screaming and my mother crying. I stood rooted to the spot as my dazed, panicked mind tried to figure out what to do next.
I snapped out of it when Dariouse grabbed my arm and dragged me out the back door of the house. We ran to the car and jumped in quickly. I fumbled to get the keys in the ignition and tried to turn the car on. It didn’t start straight away and took several goes before the engine finally came to life. Sweat was dripping down my face at this point due to the exertion and me cursing the stupid car I’d bought. We drove off and the clapped out car served its purpose as a nondescript getaway vehicle. I knew nobody could find us because the plates were untraceable. It was amazing what a twenty bill slipped into Sky’s hand could do. The car could have whatever desired escape features you wanted.
Dariouse and I got back to the house and couldn’t look each other in the eye. I was suspicious of him and wondered if he knew there was an alarm and hadn’t told me. He looked untroubled by what had happened. I told him I was going to bed and was going to read for a bit. I waited patiently for an hour or so to pass before I tried phoning Georgia. There was no answer and I wondered if she had even realized that I had tried to break into her house. She probably did, knowing her. This bothered me to the point that I couldn’t bare it. I went to Dariouse’s room and knocked on the door.
“Yes,” said Dariouse. “Come in.”
Dariouse was sitting on the bed reading a newspaper. He had a sly look on his face. His sideways grin was almost the happiest I’d ever seen him.
“Dariouse, I feel confused. I’ve tried calling Georgia and there is no answer. Do you think she knows that we returned to the house?” I asked in genuine concern and voiced my thoughts. “What do you think we should do now?” I asked him allowing him to feel like he was in control.
“It’s Wednesday,” he said. “Mother always goes to the club at this time. I’m sure she doesn’t have a clue.” His eyes avoided contact with mine.
“Okay, that’s good then I guess, but we need to think about what to do next,” I said. He raised an eyebrow and I could tell he might not have been on my side completely. What was he hiding? He was easy to read or so I thought. I wasn’t sure if what I saw in his expression was what he wanted me to see or what he actually felt. He might have been hiding what he really thought and felt just like I was.
“I think we should try again,” he said. He gave me an expression I’d never seen before on him. It looked like he was making a joke out of the plan and had no care in finding out anything about Georgia. I think I stood silent for too long and his expression started to change into a lighter mood. He must have realized that I had seem something he never meant to show. He peered at me for a moment in such a way that I felt like my suggestion was basically stupid and then his face changed instantly as his eyes became wide set and he rubbed his neck.
“Are you hungry?” I asked trying to take away the solid tension that hung in the air.
“Yeah, a bit. I’ll fix us something to eat, no debating.” He got up and headed straight for the kitchen slamming the door behind him.
I felt his behaviour was slightly irregular but if I got a meal with no effort involved that would be acceptable. Within no time he emerged from the kitchen with his face all red and flustered. I sensed he was angry and I had a feeling he was hiding something.
I looked around the room while we ate his wraps. God only knows what was in them, they had no flavour, no sauce and every bite stayed stuck to the roof of my mouth.
In a moment of silence I looked around the living room spotting every miniscule piece of dust. I thought that now was the best time to clean the whole house. I ate the last of the culinary disaster and stood up ready to get all the dirt out of my home, my sad, white, dirty house.
The second I stood up he looked at me with a face so full of anticipation I thought he was going to jump me. The whole time we had been eating it felt like he was stalking me, as if I was his prey. I ignored his odd response to me standing up and started to collect the plates and cutlery to wash.
He stood up abruptly saying, “I’ll do that, brother.” I saw beads of sweat make its way down his brow. His eyes shifted while he waited for my response. He started taking the plates out of my hands when I took a d
eep breath.
“What’s going on Dariouse? Do you think I’m not even capable of washing some dishes?” I just felt like he was limiting me in my own white, depressive house. His eyes softened as he backed off. It was very strange how he suddenly wanted to do everything and yet seemed unhappy to do it. The thought that he might have poisoned my food came to mind. I thought dying at this point wouldn’t be such a bad thing, in a way he would be doing me a favour, I wouldn’t have to see his ugly face again!
“Sorry, brother, I was just … I mean. I just wanted to help and I wanted you to relax, that’s all,” he said in a worried voice. He sat himself back down on the chair and watched me clean the dishes.
“Just don’t look in the deep freezer, I, I got you a surprise for tomorrow, okay? Deal?” He said unexpectedly. He was firm in his voice and I started to wonder what it could be. I knew as I’d gotten to know Dariouse better, a surprise could be anything, especially something sinister.
I had been so harsh with my brother thinking he’d been hiding something evil from me. I didn’t feel bad about it. He deserved it, he was really getting on my nerves to the point my house was dirty and filled with his germs. I hated having to share my lair with him.
“Okay,” I replied as I tried to smile. The smile itself felt strange and uncomfortable, but it seemed to make things okay between us as far as I could tell. I was willing to chip away at my chilled exterior when it came to him as I knew he knew a lot more than what he was letting on.
I finished washing the dishes and decided it was time for bed. It was quarter to twelve. My head was feeling numb and for once it was keeping me from trying to unravel the web I was so deeply trapped in.
I changed my sheets to allow my crawling skin to feel relaxed and lay down on my bed. The ceiling fan rotated above my head and was almost hypnotising. The soft, whirling sound was drowning my soul and I was overwhelmed, so overwhelmed I actually shed a tear. I knew all tears I would have ever be able to shed would be tears of hate and frustration as no other emotion seemed to be accessible to me any more.
Two strong sleeping tablets later and I was out like a light. I had looked forward to a good night’s sleep at last but I was trapped in dreams and nightmares of the shadows that surrounded my bed. Nothing is as it seems and sometimes our dreams are closer to our own reality than we care to think.
Chapter 25
Ignorance Is Bliss
In my vision of untainted light I dreamt of Sue as a distant, abstract thought materializing before me. She looked like an angel as I held her in my arms, promising I would keep her safe. I could see her laughing in the sunlight, she looked so happy… so alive. She had a vulnerability about her that I’d always wanted to protect, she was my little girl. The only person in this world who loved me. The thought of my disintegrating relationship with Sally angered me but the one good thing she’d ever given me was the chance to be a father. All that changed when I found out that Sue wasn’t my biological daughter. I didn’t care. I picked up Sue and hugged her, I wanted her to know how much I loved her. In my eyes she could never be anything less than my daughter.
The dream changed as the rays of sunlight around Sue started to tarnish and blot out, becoming darkness. She was lying motionless by my feet, lifeless … she was dead. Why was this happening in my mind over and over again? I couldn’t take it! I saw her mottled face fading in the dark space that lay just beyond her. My lungs burned as I screamed at seeing her body on the floor. She looked so small and her form became hollow. My heart had died that day along with Sue and yet I never got so say goodbye before she took her last breath, even though I’d been there for her first.
I tore my face off with my bare hands revealing the beast that lay deep within. A horrid manifestation of the pain and anger that had tainted my heart so black, lingered. A mirror hung in the abyss from human hair. I peered into the antique framed reflection only to stay entranced in disbelief at what was staring back at me. I was a monstrosity, a hollow lifeless depraved animal, a reaper waiting for my next kill to help me get closer to the revenge I so indisputably craved.
My brother emerged from the darkness shifting towards me in segments of movement stilted in time. His unnatural motions came from beyond the grave. He was holding a box. Tightly gripping it in his hands, he firmly pressed it against his chest. He placed it down carefully on the ground. He looked up at me, his eyes were just as hollow and dead as mine. Demetrius stood up and walked over to Sue, picking her up in his illuminating arms and carried her off into the abyss.
The wooden box seemed to glare at me with an evil intent that begged my numbed body to approach it. I lurched forward on unsteady legs that had a mind of their own as my curiosity screamed out to be heard. The malevolent energy sent ripples of festering, miniscule flies in waves at me that I inhaled through my reluctant nostrils. I kept my jaw clamped firmly shut trying to filter the rot of death permeating my lungs. This thing was sinister to its core just like me and I laughed wildly at the irony that I was scared of my own shadow.
I extended my finger to poke at it and noticed blood dripping off my hands onto the greedy oak that seemed to lap it up like mother’s milk. Nothing happened to startle me and I became more confident that this was a sign sent from the dead to help me, not something to do harm. I pried the lid open and admired the silver inlay, designed to look like a bleeding heart. The sticky substance smelled strongly of burnt bones and metal. A black piece of paper was stuck to the bottom of it and I almost missed it as it faded into the colour of the darkened wood so well. I picked it out and opened it up to see what was written on it. The word ‘REVENGE’ illuminated off the paper and floated into the air. I watched in fascination as it drifted into my ear, burrowing its way deep inside like a worm trying to lay its eggs inside my mind. I heard that word repeated over and over again, echoing and vibrating with pure malice, driving me on. My eyes slowly shuttered open taking in brief glimpses of daylight as I woke from my dream. I could still hear ‘revenge,’ reverberating through my head and I smiled feeling absolute clarity settle into my bones. I thought that taking the sleeping pills had been a waste of time as once more I’d had a restless night’s sleep with invasive dreams. My dream lingered deep inside my mind as I wondered what message Demetrius was trying to send me or if it was a clue to my puzzled life.
My body gleamed in sweat as my pores tried so desperately to extract the flies I’d inhaled in my dream. My body was convulsing and my mind was interchanging between my dream and reality. I ran into the bathroom and jumped into the shower, I had to scrub myself with wire wool until I bled. I saw the streams of blood mix in with the scalding water. I held in the pain as ridges of serrated flesh rose from my skin, like a portrait of torture. The words ‘not clean,’ resonated in my mind. Maybe Ann was right, I could never be clean enough. The very things that used to scare me as a child had become so ingrained in me they had become a part of me. I knew I was getting closer to something but I had no idea what. I dried myself off and decided to get dressed, making sure my wounds wouldn’t stain my clothes and give me away.
I felt like a feral animal ready to take back my kingdom, as I stalked about my house, reclaiming every inch of space.
I entered the living room where Dariouse sat drinking black coffee and devouring rounds of butter-drenched toast. I glared at him like he was an unwanted stray. Who does he think he is I thought as I snatched a piece of toast from his plate? He was eating my food, drinking my coffee and just sitting on my chair wearing my face acting like he was me! I might have seen my true face in my dream but I knew that however horrid my face was, Dariouse’s face was more hideous.
“Hello brother, sit and have some breakfast,” he said with a sly grin on his face. It was the only time that his tone of voice had really shocked me, the smile was almost sinister and his eyes were too calm. Why did he look so ridiculously happy? I stopped the sudden urge to punch him and decided to use him instead of kill him… for now.
I sat down and had s
ome toast while I secretly observed and analysed him. He had scratches on his right arm which were visible below the sleeve of his t-shirt. His heart was racing and yet on the outside he looked calm. What on earth is he up to? The thought crossed my mind that he might be able to see the ridges of self-inflicted cuts through my shirt. I pretended to flick off a crumb of toast as I glanced quickly at my arms. It was fine I couldn’t see the blood showing through. I thought I’d possibly been taken for a fool. Could all of it be lies? It seemed as if I could trust no one to tell me the truth. Even though I had a mind filled with uncertainty I tried to appear like a pillar of calm. I smiled and exclaimed, “It’s time!”
Just as I had settled into my turbulent mood there was a knock at the door. I hoped that it was Gary, I could do with some stress relief. Dariouse looked as if even he was caught out by surprise and stood up to go answer it. I gave him a dominating glare and he sat back down in his chair, the coward. This is my house and I will open the door! As I approached the front door I could hear the knocks growing louder, to the point I could hear the letter slot rattle with every pounding blow.
I opened the door to see what I could only describe as trash in human form. The woman who stood before me was reeking of alcohol and stagnant piss.
“What do you want Len!” I barked at her. This woman was Sally’s sister and was in one of her dosed up, junkie train-wrecks.
“Let me in… I wanna… wanna talk to you,” she said in dunked spills.
“Go away Len,” I said, warning her to back off as she wasn’t welcome, not now, not ever.
“If you won’t let me in… I will force my way in,” she said, getting too cocky for my patience.
“Fine come in and tell me how the heroin is like these days,” I said scratching her nerves deeply as she pushed passed me and into my house.
“Get out!” she screamed at Dariouse, who was sat on the sofa looking more awkward than ever. “I want a word with this one!” she said pointing her tobacco stained, bony finger in my face.
Psycho-Analysis: The Beginning Page 23
