by Kirk Zurosky
The sound of claws scraping on stone punished Kunchen’s bruised ears, until finally the din stopped. He knew from experience to keep his eyes averted when the beast was near. Though not yet fully grown, the basilisk was still deadly to him in spite of the large amounts of its poison he had ingested at the Master’s insistence. It would eventually make him immune from the stare of the foulest of fowl. A distorted mix of lizard and bird, the basilisk was nearly his height with a spiked, snaky tail, razor-sharp claws on chicken-like feet, and a rounded body covered with shiny black and silver scales. He had glimpsed the body many times, but knew of the head only from what the Master had told him. The basilisk’s head was a brilliant red with a beak lined with three rows of daggerlike teeth. But the eyes, well, the eyes he could feel upon him. One look would mean his death—for now. But he vowed he would soon be this powerful creature’s master.
“It is time, Kunchen,” the Master said. “Drink in her power and revel in its glory!”
Kunchen nodded and kneeled, gripping the firmness of the chamber’s floor to keep from shaking. The scratching grew closer, and he could feel the vile bird beast fluttering its wings around his head. He closed his eyes and opened his mouth obediently, and with a shrill hiss, the basilisk regurgitated its poison into his mouth. He drank deeply and quickly, choking down the foul mixture before collapsing in a coma at the Master’s feet.
“Come here, my pretty bird,” the Master called. The basilisk obeyed, lowering its head so the Master could pet it. “I think we have a name for you, my sweet,” the Master said, contented by the shrill cooing of the satisfied creature. “I shall call you Atropos—for your breath and stare will be the shears that end the life of Sirius Sinister and give me the power of the Blood of the One.”
Chapter 10
I was happy to be back at Oxford. Not because I viewed that stony, stodgy place as my home, but because it was where my girls were, and thus where my heart truly rested. I had much to tell Hedley and the team, but nothing was going to stop me from first visiting my chambers to see Maria. Hedley and saving the world could wait. I saw Wisdom grin as Maria jumped into my arms when I came through the door. To her, I had only been gone a short time, but the welcome back hug she gave me could have lasted a few centuries and still not been long enough.
“Did you watch out for smelly people?” she asked.
“Indeed I did, sweet one,” I replied with a laugh. “And those eating vegetables too.” She had not mentioned portly harlots earlier, but I was apt at avoiding those all on my own.
I bent to scratch the happy, tail-wagging Garlic on the ears when she barked a greeting. Contessa, Beatrice, Adelaide, and even Mary Grace were also in my quarters for my return. I looked at Mary Grace sitting on the couch with her sisters, with mock surprise. “Well, this is indeed quite the welcome back party. All my ladies are here!”
“I think you might be missing a few ex-wives,” Mary Grace retorted. “Assorted strumpets . . . peck of prostitutes . . .”
“Lovely gone from the college is he?” I stated confidently. “Explains the folded arms, the slumped posture.”
“Don’t forget the sad eyes, Father,” Beatrice said knowingly.
“And the lonely lips,” Adelaide added.
“Uh oh,” Contessa said. “Are you going to awaken the savage, little beast sitting next to us on the couch?”
I braced for an argument, a cross word, or an all-out sisterly brawl, but instead a dreamy smile came over Mary Grace’s face. I looked at Wisdom in genuine horror. “What happened when I was gone?”
Wisdom nodded. “Maria was a darling,” she said, and Maria curtsied. “Your class lessons were never more popular, although the waiting list is now made up of all the eligible bachelors in the college. Go figure.”
“I miss his lips,” Mary Grace announced to the room. “He has such soft and beautiful lips.”
“What happened?” I said, now quite exasperated. “Wait until I get my hands on that aquatic Adonis.”
“I miss his hands too,” Mary Grace said to no one in particular. “So strong, and kind, and capable.”
The rest of the girls burst into laughter, including Wisdom who ignored my best parental glare. “Would someone like to enlighten me as to what is so funny?”
“Relax, Sirius,” Wisdom said. “Nothing happened while you were gone that is anything to be concerned with.”
“Yeah,” Maria offered. “All Lovely did before he left was tell Mary Grace how much he loved her. What’s wrong with that?”
“What’s wrong with that?” I sputtered. “Everything!” I saw the utterly confused look on Maria’s face. “I mean nothing! I mean . . . it is complicated.”
“I thought you liked Lovely, Father,” she said sweetly. “I know I do—he is just so nice.”
“Oh no, sweetheart,” I said. “I do like Lovely. I really do.” I was, however, glad he was gone from the college.
“Great,” Maria said. “Then it is settled. They can get married.” She folded her arms across her chest not concerned with my answer.
But all eyes in the room were on me, waiting with bated breath for my answer, especially Mary Grace’s. Suddenly there was a saving knock on the door, and I quickly opened it to find an anxious Hedley Edrick. He looked at me, took quick stock of the occupants in the room, stepped in, and grabbed my arm. “Ladies,” he said, “I am in need of conversation with your father. Oh, Wisdom, I did not see you there. Greetings, and tell that half brother of mine that he owes me a full bottle of wine. He knows why. All right then, off we go.”
As we left the room, I could hear Contessa say, “Saved by the Master of Masters,” followed by lots of joyous laughter. Seeing that Maria was safe with her sisters, Garlic had decided to join us too. I smiled to myself as we walked to the faculty lounge. Family was ever expanding, whether you wanted it to or not. I would deal with Lovely another day, but a better man Mary Grace was not going to find. Declaring your love was born of lust, passion, and history, but committing to marriage required an entirely different frame of mind. Ironic that what seemed to come so easily to Mary Grace and Lovely still managed to escape me. Maybe I was not meant for true love, or marriage.
“So where did Lovely make off to, Hedley?” I asked. “He seems to have left one of my daughters pining for his love.”
“Good question,” Hedley said. “He didn’t say, and I didn’t ask. All I know is Oliver summoned him back to the House of Indigo. I may be the Master of Masters, but I do not interfere with family business. Rest assured, since Mary Grace is here, Lovely will return at his earliest opportunity.”
“That is what I am afraid of,” I said.
“Are you?” Hedley said with a wink. “Is that it really?”
I opened my mouth to respectfully disagree, when I saw the doors to the faculty lounge right in front of us. Garlic barked a greeting to the black dogs that guarded the entrance, and they issued low growls in return. A set of hind end sniffs followed, and then all the assembled canines were satisfied that protocol had been met.
“Welcome, Master of Masters,” the black dogs howled in concert. “You may pass, and may the fleas of ignorance never bite at your skin and instead be driven away by the scents of your reason.”
“Thank you,” Hedley said to the dogs. “But ignorance is remarkably resilient to even the soundest of argument.”
“Welcome, Sirius Sinister, Instructor in Immortal Self-Defense,” the black dog on the right barked softly. “You may pass. I see you have been the hunter and the hunted all at the same time.”
“Indeed, word travels fast, my canine compatriots,” I said. “Perhaps I should listen to your idle prattle a little more closely.”
“Their prattle is not idle,” Hedley said. “Perhaps I should have mentioned that these gentlemen used to sit at the base of the Oracle of Delphi and seem to have, via osmosis, picked up some of the unique powers of that mystical and
wonderful place.”
“So they give out advice to all the instructors?” I asked, remembering a fun Laurentian lesson on science with Knowledge, which ended with me moving some of my solvent molecules through her semipermeable membrane. “Or is it just me?”
“Actually you are the first one they have ever spoken to,” he said with a tone that conveyed that this wasn’t important to him.
“Why do you think that is?” I asked. “Does it mean something?”
Hedley just smiled, and I almost knew what his answer was going to be. “That is something you would have to ask them.”
I looked to the one on the right that had spoken before, but only a faint curl of smoke wisped from his mouth, and his red glowing eyes just stared straight ahead. Garlic barked, sitting bravely next to the black dog on the left, just out of reach of the steaming green drool. The dog on the left turned to look at me. “What is reflected in a mirror is the opposite of what you see, so don’t be fooled by what is right there in front of your face, trust your nose.”
“All right,” I said. “But I don’t have a nose like yours or Garlic’s, so how am I to know what I am supposed to be smelling?”
“Your nose is all you have, and that is enough.” The black dog’s eyes faded, and Garlic looked at me as if I could make sense of the message. It was apparently clear to her.
“Damn canine prattle,” I mumbled, following Hedley through the door and into the lounge. I had expected cheers at my entrance, or at the very least some sincere pats on the back since the attempt to steal the Moon of Madrid had been so ably rebuffed. I was wrong. Dead wrong.
Not one of the professors made eye contact with me as I took my seat next to Breeze, who pulled her chair closer to Templeton Braddock, the husband she now apparently loved and adored. Templeton lifted his porcine face from the plate of food he was vanquishing and looked with utter disdain in my direction. I wondered if he thought I had taken his dear and loving wife up on her many and varied propositions. I glared back at him in challenge, and for a second I wished I would have done so. The tension around the table was so thick I almost took my sword out and passed it over the table a few times to break the mood. But Garlic leaped into my lap, and I let her sit with her paws on the table, facing down any challengers. What was going on here?
“Good news,” Hedley announced spreading his arms wide. “Sirius and his team of the Professor and Breeze managed to foil the attempt by the Thief to steal the Moon of Madrid! Congratulations are in order.”
But none came, unless you counted the Professor and I nodding to each other politely across the table. She smiled weakly, and I noticed she had something big and green stuck to one of her teeth. I pointed at my own mouth, hoping she would catch the hint, but that just encouraged her to smile all the wider. She was hopeless.
Patrick was the first to speak. “Forget about the Relic. Bad news travels fast! What about this Kunchen guy? We want to know about him! Is he an immortal? If not, what is he?”
“Indeed,” Arthur breathed. “Was he working with the Thief?”
Hopkins had been picking at his fingernails with a knife, and suddenly rose to his feet and stuck it forcefully into the table. It would have been more impressive if he hadn’t instantly started to rub his now sprained wrist. “We need answers, Hedley, answers,” he said, sitting down and putting his injured paw between his legs. I looked at him and could see tears in his eyes. He was to be kept off my missions at any cost.
“Ahem,” said a squeaky voice. “Ahem.” Everyone in the room looked around to see where it was coming from, finally settling on the tiny Miss Sop. The little brownie stepped on to the table, flared out her wings, and flew over to where Hedley sat. She pulled her golden hat up so as to look Hedley right in the eyes. “I think I speak for all of us when I ask this, Master of Masters,” she said. “Are we all now rightfully to fear for our lives?”
Hedley did not answer at first, taking the time to make eye contact with each and every person in the room. “Well of course you are, but then again that was the case the moment each and every one of you signed on to teach here at the College of Immortals,” he said, pausing and waiting for the storm of anger that erupted. I sat back in my chair as everyone, but the Professor and I, started talking at once. Garlic curled up and my lap and yawned, and I did too, as I scratched her behind the ears. “People,” Hedley continued, “one would think you thought you were teaching a day camp, or something even more mundane.” The din of self-preservation continued, and Arthur and Hopkins almost got into a veritable slapping fight about who was the bigger target. I decided it was a definite draw.
“People,” Hedley yelled loudly. He conjured up a fireball from somewhere deep in his pockets and hurled it at the center of the table where it detonated rather spectacularly. “You will come to order, now!” the Master of Masters hollered. “Or so help me, I will make the dragon that had Puttsworth for lunch look like a garden lizard!” The room grew instantly silent, and Garlic perked her ears up and sat with her eyes focused on the Master of Masters along with all the others at the table. “As long as there are those like Kunchen and the Master he serves, you will always have to fear for your lives,” he said. “You people have grown soft and spoiled here at the College of Immortals. I am starting to rethink the tenure of each and every one of you! You are charged with educating the best and the brightest of immortalkind, and all you can think of now are your own self-serving, lazy, and cowardly hides!”
I looked around the room as he spoke, trying to gauge the reaction of the assembled faculty. Arthur and Hopkins had both flushed crimson and were suitably embarrassed. I decided that they were loyal to Hedley, just cowardly. Patrick was nodding as Hedley spoke, and instantly blurted out an apology, which Miss Sop clearly and loudly seconded. My eye caught the Professor staring intently, and I turned to see Templeton rise to his feet.
The galled goblin puffed out his chest. “I am no coward,” he blustered, his face hot with anger. “And I will not have even the Master of Masters address me as such.”
“Sit down, dear,” Breeze said quietly. “Please sit down.”
The goblin’s anger bubbled over, and he turned to his wife with speed belying his size. “Woman, you dare speak to me in that fashion?” His hand flew fast toward her face, but I was faster, grabbing his wrist, twisting it behind his back, and planting his face into the table with a thud. I smiled slightly as a trickle of blood ran from his mouth toward Garlic, who sniffed at it and wretched up a bit of her lunch for dramatic effect.
“You need to learn how to treat a lady,” I said. “And be nice.”
“She is no lady,” Templeton grumbled. “Now let me up!”
“Well that was not very nice, but okay, I will let you up.” I looked to Hedley, who had a slight smile on his face. I lifted the goblin from the table and slammed him down again, but this time he had turned his head to face Hedley, and succeeded in getting his nose broken with a satisfying crunch. I looked to Hedley again, who nodded to me to release the foul beast.
Templeton grabbed for his nose and glared at the room. I could see his irrationality was still in control, as he made a slight move to attack me, but even he was not that stupid. He turned to Hedley. “I hereby tender my resignation,” he said. “Come on, Breeze, we are leaving.”
“You are leaving,” she said softly. “I still have a job. Good-bye, Templeton.”
I almost felt sorry for him, as he was rendered quite speechless. He ripped his faculty pin from his shirt and dropped it on the table, where it clattered loudly. “Good luck to all of you,” he said, turning to face the door. Then he looked at me. “Not you, Sinister. I hope you die a miserable death.” And with that he lumbered out of the faculty lounge and left the College of Immortals.
“Now then,” Hedley said. “That was a bit of unfortunate family business. We have not seen the last of Templeton. We have not seen the last of Kunchen.
We have not seen the last of the Thief. Are we clear?”
A chorus of ayes answered the Teacher of Teachers. “If we do nothing, say nothing, and teach nothing, then all of humanity will be—”
“Shit, shit, and more shit,” Patrick called out. He grinned widely and pointed to the ceiling, then frowned and pointed to the floor. “That was for you, dear Puttsworth, wherever you are.”
Hedley thought for a moment and instead of scolding Patrick said, “He is right. We must continue our missions. You are dismissed. Except for you, Sirius. You and Garlic need to stay for a moment.”
Breeze lingered behind as the others filed out of the faculty lounge, their moods happy and their spirits lifted. “I want to thank you,” she said, placing a hand on my arm.
“Oh no,” I said. “That is really not necessary. I was doing what any gentleman would have done.”
“No, I mean it,” she said. “No one has ever stood up for me before.”
“I know you could have easily dodged his punch,” I said. “But you didn’t. Why?”
“He is my husband. What else can I do?”
“Let me write down a name for you,” I said. “Sounds like you could use a little Justice.”
Her eyes went wide in terror. “No. Templeton Braddock is an oaf and a coward. Yes, he is mean to me and completely disgusting, but I do not want him dead!”
“You don’t?” I startled. I did not understand some women! “Right, you don’t. Justice won’t kill him, but Templeton might end up wishing he was dead.”
“Torture?” Breeze exclaimed. “No, not that either!”
“No, Breeze,” I said as I began writing Justice’s contact information on a piece of paper. “You just don’t need to be married to him anymore. And I have no idea why you feel you should show him mercy when he clearly has shown you none. But don’t you worry, because torture in Immortal Divorce Court is apparently just for me. Templeton will be just fine, as long as he doesn’t get his big hairy ass up on the Head Magistrate’s bench and do his business.”
