Edith, Ethan’s grandma, sat beside me on the bed and placed a gentle hand on my arm. “He doesn’t want… he doesn’t want you to go see him, love.”
I chewed on my bottom lip to stop the tremble as I gulped. “Why?” I whispered more than asked.
“He’s just… going through a rough time. Don’t take it to heart; he needs to deal with this himself. He’ll be back.”
I looked at her as my body erupted in goose bumps “He blames me doesn’t he?”
She glanced at Bill but shook her head, “No.”
“Yes, he does. Don’t lie to me. It is my fault. It’s all my damn fault! If I hadn’t… if I hadn’t gone back to him, if I had stood up to Kyle all those years ago, he would be happy right now. He would have some tart in his bed and…”
“That is enough!” Bulk barked at me and we all jolted on the bed at his voice but I stood up and held a hand up at him.
“Just…” I shook my head in despair before I picked up my stuff, left the room and went in search of something I knew would fill the void… beer and coke.
Chapter 37
Bulk, Jax and Zoe found me four days later; high, pissed and filthy in a house full of smelly people and some dirty windows. Through all my internal dialogues over the previous few days, my ramblings had been mainly about the disgusting grimy windows and I had chastised anybody who had bothered to listen to me.
I was broken. Split in two then smashed to smithereens, slowly, brutally and horrifically agonizingly. My soul had buggered off, my spirit had slapped me in the face as it taunted me and my heart was dust that had drifted out through my nostrils in every exhale I had managed.
There was nothing left apart from a husk, nothing internal apart from a pair of lungs that wouldn’t stop taking damn breaths.
‘Just keep breathing’ some random hippy had said to me, ‘you don’t need to be alive but just keep fucking breathing, sweetheart.’
How true was that statement!
I wasn’t alive, far from it. I was dead; deceased and departed from the world and I was currently enjoying my new emotional freedom.
That was until Zoe slapped me hard around the face and Bulk dragged me backwards through the house and into his car.
***
I was trembling so hard and I couldn’t seem to get warm, no matter how many blankets Zoe huddled me up in as we watched, well I say watched it was more stared at really, a documentary on the upcoming extinction of polar bears.
“You hungry?” she asked softly as she rubbed her hands up and down my arms in an effort to warm my skin. I didn’t have the energy to tell her I was frozen from the inside.
I shook my head, answering her without words as I kept my gaze on the TV screen as two polar bears decided to have a humping session. Ethan would love this.
A knock sounded on the door but it opened without invitation as E walked in with Lily and Bruce.
Bruce bounded over to me and jumped into my lap before his tongue wiggled in my ear. “Give her a song, Brucey” E said and Bruce’s lips puckered as he rolled out a tune in the only way Bruce could.
I smiled faintly at him as I rewarded him with a scratch behind his ear.
He was an ugly dog, a black and tan cocker spaniel that sported one eye and half of an ear was missing but he was such a happy and pleasant thing. I couldn’t help comparing his wounds to Ethan’s, but I supposed a dog wasn’t bothered what he looked like as long as somebody loved him.
Hell, I loved Ethan, why couldn’t he accept that? Why did he care what he looked like? It was everybody else that had to look at him, not himself, and if we didn’t have a problem with how he looked, why should he?
But then the blame and guilt rushed through my head. It wasn’t his looks that he hated me for; it was the fact that I was to blame for his beating. It was the fact that Jake had got away with it, for his horrific attack on the man that I loved and it was the element that if I hadn’t bounded back into his life, his brother would still be alive, Ethan would still be fucking faceless randoms happily and his heart and spirit would still be intact.
Jake and his friends had run after what they did. The police had caught two of the gang but Jake had managed to escape and nobody had seen or heard from him since.
Luckily Ethan had managed to escape suspicion on Kyle’s murder because he had been in Germany at the time and also because I had told the police that Kyle had built up a bad rep by sleeping with everybody’s wives and daughters, which hadn’t been a lie.
I frowned at my thoughts and glanced at E. She narrowed her eyes on me, her suspicious personality making her aware that I wanted something.
“Can you get me in with Sal?”
She shook her head but smiled at me mischievously, “If it’s for what I think it’s for, it’s already been dealt with.”
“Oh.”
She winked as she plonked herself down beside me and wiggled a grumbling Lily on her knee.
“Who sorted it?”
“I did. Well my dad actually… who knew.”
I should have known really, she loved my man almost as much as I did. I nodded and smiled at the thought of Jake getting what he deserved.
“How is he?” I asked quietly without looking at her.
She pursed her lips and sighed. “As self-destructive as you are. In fact all this is damn stupid. Christ, look at the pair of you.”
“He doesn’t want me, E. What the hell am I supposed to do?”
“Of course he wants you, but you’re both as bloody obstinate as the other. All you do is get fucking high and drunk. All he ever does is sit in his room, singing bloody Run whilst he plays his damn guitar, over and fucking over. It’s driving me nuts, even though he sounds really good. Didn’t realise he had such a good voice, even with a damaged voice box” she finished with a look of reverence.
“What?” I stuttered as I stood up sharply, much to Bruce’s displeasure.
He was playing our song. He still loved me.
Oh my god, he still loved me. He still bloody loved me.
She gave me a small frown as my old damaged heart swept up all the dust and rearranged the pieces, suddenly forming a new one; a new pumping, thumping strong one. A heart that was as determined as my soul that it wanted its mate back, the other half that kept it alive.
“Where is he? Yours or his?”
“Mine” she said with a knowing grin.
I nodded, picked up my keys and made my way to sort out my man.
Once and for all.
***
“Where is he?” I asked a stunned Jax when he opened the door to my relentless beating.
He moved aside, gestured up the stairs with a sweep of his hand and smiled widely at me with a ‘go for it’ wink.
I nodded firmly, my anger and my determination preventing me from actually speaking as I flung myself up the stairs and followed the sound of the sad song that was filtering through the air.
He looked up sharply as I flung the door open but his eyes narrowed on me to hide his guilty look of playing our song.
“Don’t you dare!” I warned him as he stood up and made a move towards the door. He frowned at me but still held his stern expression. “Don’t push me away, Ethan.”
He scoffed loudly, “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be getting high and screwing some random somewhere?”
“Jealous?”
He snorted lightly through his nose as he shook his head but I noticed he nibbled his lower lip before he screwed up his face and stared at me, “Do what you want Jen, what you do has nothing to do with me anymore.”
“Would you listen to yourself? You bitter bastard.”
“Bitter? Bitter?” he fumed as his eyes fired angrily at me, “look at me, Jen. Fucking look at this…” he snarled as he flicked a hand over his face.
“It’s you, Ethan. Just the same as always, it’s just you.”
His eyebrows hit his hairline, “This isn’t me. It’s… this is fucking hideous.”
&nbs
p; I took a heaving breath and stared into him, “Do you blame me, Ethan? Is that what you’re mad at me for, for dragging you into my pitiful life and… and screwing you up? Is that what you want, for me to say I’m sorry?”
I took a step closer to him my anger forcing me forward, “You want me to say sorry for everything shit in your life. Well, yeah, Ethan. I am fucking sorry, I’m sorry with everything I am for what I’ve done to you, okay?”
His expression was full of confusion as he stared at me. “What the hell? I’m not mad at you, I… I just don’t want…”
His fists clenched in anger as he squeezed his eyes shut, as though the stance would protect his heart from what he needed to say.
“Say it!” I ordered softly, knowing every single thought that was rearing its ugly head in his own battered head. “SAY IT!”
He jolted and I smiled inwardly at the fury on his face. Anger and ire was better than nothing, than numbness and resignation.
“FUCKING – SAY – IT!”
He practically growled at me when I pushed my hands into his chest, my own anger feeding my courage. “You’re…”
I nodded angrily at him, “Come on…”
“You deserve…” he clenched his fists angrily, the words refusing to surface as his lip disappeared behind his teeth in his frustration.
“I deserve better?” I finished for him, knowing he wouldn’t say it and we wouldn’t get anywhere.
“Yes,” he choked out as he turned away from me. “Why would someone like you want… this?”
I laughed, loudly and bitterly. “You really don’t know me do you?”
He spun round, hurt and astonishment radiating potently off him. “I know you’re sweet, you’re beautiful, you’re tender, you’re funny, you’re bright and smart and you’re so damn sexy that I want to make love to you a million times like I promised all those years ago, Jen but now… now why the hell would you want those things with me? Eh? I’m fucking ugly, messed up so fucking much, scarred to the extent that I hardly have any original skin left and I…”
I nodded again, urging him to finish.
“I hurt, Jen, okay, I fucking hurt everywhere. Every single fucking inch of me is bitter, twisted and fucking resentful of everything.” He sighed and ran his hands over his face in vexation, his whole body humming with distress. “Okay, you got what you wanted from me, now go.”
He turned and faced the window, his shoulders now sagged in defeat as his fists unclenched and slumped by his sides.
“You wanna know why I always call you beautiful, Ethan?” I stood behind him watching the slow rise and fall of his shoulders as he sucked in huge quantities of air whilst he fought to control his rage.
“Yes, you’re handsome and good looking but it’s the pure love in your heart that’s beautiful. It’s so fucking beautiful, it’s blinding.”
His head dropped as he faced the floor and I closed my eyes, praying with all my heart that my words penetrated his thick skull. A skull so thick it had saved his life.
“It wraps around me, it comforts me when I’m sad, it makes me smile when you tell me you love me, it makes my own heart beat just by looking at you. And it makes my soul whole, Ethan. You’re beautiful heart is what keeps me alive, and to me you will always be that beautiful boy that told me he loved me when I had reached the lowest point in my life. You will always be the boy who lifted me up and put me back together and I will always think you’re handsome. And right now all I wanna do… all I wanna do is strip you down to nothing and make love to so damn hard that I feel like I won’t be able to breathe until you’re inside me, loving me like only you can, because it’s not how you look, it’s how you make me feel that makes me hot for you. It’s how your hands worship me, how your mouth idolises me and how you, you make me feel so damn good that turns me on. So yeah, you’re still damn sexy and I still fancy the bloody pants off ya’.”
He didn’t turn, he didn’t move; he just remained silent and unmoving and I sighed in resignation.
He’d given up. I could feel it in the air of the room and as a tear dribbled down my cheek, I closed the door behind me and whispered, “by the way…”
Chapter 38
4 WEEKS LATER
“You know how he feels about you, Zo. He just…”
“Ah, ah, ah, we are here to have a good time. No talk of men. Unless it’s to flirt obscenely with tonight.” She winked and I rolled my eyes at her.
“I don’t think so, treacle. I don’t want anyone else.”
“Lighten up, Jen. Relax and enjoy yourself. There’s no harm in flirting.” She grinned at me cheekily and hoisted her chin towards a couple of guys looking in our direction, “Now those two look like trouble.”
“Trouble?”
“The kind of trouble that means – hot, naked and sweaty trouble.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her interpretation of what ‘trouble’ meant but my humour dropped when the men approached us. “Ladies, may we?” the tall dark, tanned guy asked as he pointed to the spare seats at our booth but kept his eyes trained on me.
“Not at all” Zoe smiled her sensual smile and budged up to make room for the sleek blonde Adonis that reminded me of a Greek god I’d read about in school. The other guy perched himself next to me.
“Hal” he introduced with a killer bright white smile and a huge out-stretched hand.
“Jen” I smiled back shyly and took his hand. He lifted it to his mouth at once and placed a soft kiss on my knuckles. I noticed Zoe’s eyebrow lift at me but I chose to ignore it.
“It’s really busy tonight” I murmured to make some kind of conversation. I hadn’t done the chat up thing for years and it made me nervous to be doing it again.
He nodded with a soft smile, “Yeah, there’s supposed to some sort of band playing. I think they’re setting up already.”
“Ah.” I shot a look past him to see who it was and smiled when I saw River Ink preparing their set on a small stage at the end of the room. They had done a few support acts for Room 103 as I had followed them over the years, privately of course. If Kyle had ever found out my monitoring of the group… well.
I shot a glance at Hal; his stare on me was making me a little nervous. “You come here often?” I asked nervously.
He smiled with humour and I groaned, “God, I’m sorry. I haven’t done this for a while.”
He laughed, “It’s fine. You been out of the game for a while then?” He lifted his bottle to his lips and my gaze dropped to his adam’s apple bobbing rapidly. It was one of those that were really prominent and its dance entranced me.
“A while.”
He nodded and I noticed his eyes did a swift perusal over me, “So, Jen. Let’s get rid of some of those nerves. How about a quick rapid fire?”
My eyebrows lifted at his forwardness but he laughed me off. “Relax, nothing too personal, it just helps ease into conversation, especially if you’re nervous.”
“Okay” I shrugged hesitantly.
I did wonder what the hell he was still doing sat next to me, and why he hadn’t run from the club screaming yet, but I’d play. I had no idea what the rules of flirting were anymore. In fact I had never had to flirt with anyone, what with Kyle chasing me at school then Ethan, I had never done this and I realised how hard it would be to get back in the scene again. If I wanted to get back into it.
He shuffled to get himself comfy as he gave me what I can only describe as a crafty grin, “Favourite drink?”
Oh, okay, this was easy.
“After coffee it’s gotta be Bud.”
He nodded and gestured for me to go, “Uhh, favourite music?”
He wobbled his head a little in deliberation, “Well, I like allsorts really. Love blues and jazz but I can kick back at rock too. What about you?”
“Rock definitely but rather embarrassingly, I have a thing for Bananarama, but we won’t discuss that.”
He laughed loudly and I flushed a little with my own smirk. “You’re really p
retty when you blush.”
I swallowed at his words and grimaced. “Sorry, sugar. I didn’t mean to embarrass you” he said quickly.
I shook my head and gave him an apologetic smile, “I’m just not really used to this, sorry.”
“How long…”
We both looked up as a waitress approached and placed a bucket of champagne on our table.
“Ooh” Zoe exclaimed excitedly.
“Courtesy of…” she made little finger quotes and said, “…‘Superman’ at the bar.”
My stomach lurched as she turned and pointed to Ethan sat on a barstool smiling with what I presumed was a ‘see told you, you were a whore’ expression.
“What the hell…” Zoe gasped.
I looked down at my lap, to hide my shame or anger I wasn’t sure which, but I heard Hal snort from beside me. “What’s up with Quasi?”
Wow!
“Excuse me?” I asked so quietly I wasn’t sure if he had heard me until he turned and gave me a small smirk.
“Superman? Yeah, right, more like Quasimodo. Does he seriously think he can send champagne to women and they’ll jump on him? Look at him, Christ, who would?”
I could see Zoe’s wide eyes on me as she noticed the boil of my blood and the rise of my temper.
“I would, arsehole” I hissed in his ear.
His face shot to mine in confusion. “You wanna know why…” it was my turn for the air quotes now, “… ‘Quasimodo’ looks like that? He looks like that because he saved my life and got beaten to a fucking pulp for doing it.”
I poked him hard in his firm chest and I was secretly respectful of how solid it really was. “That man over there is more fucking beautiful than you will ever be, slimeball. He’s more desirable than you will ever be, with your bleached teeth, your phoney orange tan and probably your small dick. So go chat up another woman, a woman who doesn’t give a shit that you’re a small minded, sycophantic twat.”
Thrilling Heaven (Room 103) Page 22
