by Martin Bryce
look. ‘Would you like a cup of tea? T’kettle’s on.
Rowena said that that would be lovely and wondered if I’d be a darling and unload the boxes from the Porsche while she chatted with the Hs.
There were ten gift wrapped boxes wedged tightly in the car, they were medium size and surprisingly heavy. How she managed to pack them in all by herself was a bit of a mystery. I carried each one up the stairs and stacked them against the wall underneath my window. Finally I staggered back downstairs blowing hard and handed the keys to the car back to Rowena.
‘Ready to go, darling?’ she asked.
‘Well, I was thinking of having a bath, actually. I wasn’t expecting you so soon.’
‘You can have a shower at my place, come on,’ she chivvied lovingly and went to wait in the car while I collected my coat and wallet from upstairs.
‘Nice lass that,’ H said as I descended the stairs again. I smiled proudly. ‘Don’t know what she sees in you,’ he added.
There must be something akin to a faulty light switch in the minds of such people. You know the sort of thing I mean. You turn it on and the light shines brightly for a second or two, before you hear a little click and the light goes out again all by itself.
A light drizzle began to fall as we weaved at breathtaking speed through the evening traffic.
‘Look, darling,’ I began, feeling a little embarrassed, ‘I can’t pay you back all the money you lent me. Will ten pounds do until next week?
She told me not to be silly and to put my money away until I could really afford it. I went to kiss her cheek, but the seat belt locked solid as we hurtled round a corner and I wrenched my neck.
As soon as we reached her place she gave me a huge, thick, dazzlingly white bath sheet and directed me to the bathroom. While I was in the shower she fed Cloudesley and Mandy arrived home from a shopping trip. She breezed into the bathroom for something as I was exercising naked in front of the mirror wall.
‘Don’t worry,’ she said as I hastily covered myself with my hands. ‘I’ve seen it all before.’ Of course she had, she’d been a nurse. ‘But that’s quite a nasty one, isn’t it?’
‘What is?’ I asked, taken so much off guard and feeling so conspicuously vulnerable that I took my hands away from my groin to check everything was alright.
‘Your black eye, of course. Hope you’ve done something about it.’ With some relief I told her that the nurse at Harridges had had a look at it. She looked me up and down for a few seconds. ‘Not much to you, is there?’ I rapidly replaced my hands. ‘You need building up,’ she said. ‘And I’m not sure we shouldn’t take you to the hospital with that eye.’ With that she breezed out calling to Rowena and suggesting they should consider taking me to the hospital again.
Please, NO!
A surprisingly large collection of men’s toiletries stood on the white marble vanity unit. I splashed on some of the more expensive looking stuff then put my shabby clothes and hiking boots back on. If I didn’t look like the playboy of the western world, I assumed I smelled like him. In the lounge Mandy had kicked off her shoes and was relaxing with a gin and tonic. Rowena handed me a can of Fosters and went to get changed. Cloudesley was asleep on the tiger skin rug in front of the fire and didn’t give me so much as a glance.
Without looking up from the pages of Country Life Mandy told me that they’d decided not to take me to hospital after all.
‘But you must let me know if you start feeling odd, or anything.’
‘Yes, thank you,’ I said with a huge measure of relief. ‘I hope you don’t mind, but I used some of that splash-on stuff.’
‘Yes, I noticed. Do what you like, darling, it’s not ours, just keeps getting left here.’
‘By who?’ I asked.
She looked up, puzzled. ‘Why men, of course,’ she replied and returned to her mag.
‘Men? What men?’
‘Good heavens!’ She called to Rowena. ‘Remember that creepy Isadora Pugh, darling? Well, she’s getting married to the Swiss Ambassador’s son. Looks like she finally did something about those ears,’ she added peering closely at the photograph in the magazine. ‘But I suppose they could have done a blow job on the pic.’
She turned her attention back to me. ‘What?’
‘You said men.’
‘Did I? Oh, yes, of course. Mostly Rowena’s.’
‘Rowena’s?’
‘Yes, lots of them actually; all the time. She’s a very popular girl.’
I was shocked and Mandy saw it.
‘Oh, I see. No, actually she’s a trained physio; treats a lot of sports injuries. Privately. Here. In the evenings.’
‘And none of them are women?’
‘Apparently not. She specialises in contact sports and things; you know, the testosterone charged stuff. Shouldn’t we be going?’
Rowena returned. She’d dressed down, but couldn’t help looking a million dollars.
‘Mandy says you’re a bit undersized,’ she said. ‘So, as we’re slumming it tonight, we thought we’d start properly at the Hard Rock and fill you up.’
They were as good as their word. I was plied with a huge New York strip steak with seasonal veggies and fries, followed by apple cobbler. It was the best meal I’d had in weeks. I washed it down with ice cold Stella as Mandy recounted the tale of how she spent six months travelling round Australia in road trains. She described the gleaming rigs and the men who drove them with genuine fondness. Apparently the sleeping compartments are comfortable if a little cramped, but that just made it more exciting in her estimation.
We all piled into the Porsche and sped eastward through the city.
‘What’s the name of Harry’s pub again?’ Rowena asked as I craned my head to watch a police car on the other side of the road start a ‘U’ turn to give chase. A taxi following us started a similar manoeuvre and the two met violently in the middle.
‘Pug and Drummer,’ I replied massaging my sore neck. I should not have been so interested in the traffic incident. Not in the back of a Porsche, anyway.
‘What a delightful name,’ Rowena remarked and Mandy told us it had to do with ferrets. She knew this because she once spent some time with a lot of gamekeepers in Norfolk who had lots of them.
‘Stone me!’ Harry greeted us warmly as we entered the pub. ‘If it isn’t old Wally and look what ‘e’s brought wiv ‘im.’ He gathered his mates round and introduced us to them. Charming people like Gobber, Dangerous Des, Wheels and Rodent.
‘’Ere this is the dog I was tellin’ you all about,’ Harry said generally. ‘Right dark ‘orse ‘e is. Aren’t you, Wally?’ he remarked, giving me a painful dig in the ribs. ‘Dear, oh lord, you didn’ ‘alf cop it this afternoon, didn’ you? You want to be more careful, sunshine.’
Rowena and Mandy were already enjoying the company of several other denizens of the Pug
‘What we ‘avin’, then?’ Harry asked. I said that was very nice of him and took the girls’ orders as Harry found us a table before coming to help me carry the drinks.
‘That’ll be twenty-two pounds fifty,’ the barmaid said as she handed Harry his pint of mild.
‘Give ‘er the rest,’ he said as he handed her a tenner. ‘That makes us square then, don’ it?’
‘I beg your pardon?’ I said.
‘Granted, son. Granted.’ I stared at him blankly. ‘Look, I owe you ten sovs, what I just gave ’er, right. Now, you give her twelve pound fifty and everythin’s ‘ysterical, innit?’
‘But I thought you… oh, never mind.’ It was no use trying to shout over the sound of the band that had started up in the corner. Harry was already sitting between the girls, so I sat down opposite them.
‘I got you all wrong, didn’ I, Wally?’
‘What d’you mean?’
‘Well, you tellin’ me you was a Mr Sheen an’ all that. You was just windin’ me up.’
‘Was I? I really don’t kno
w,’ I replied. Harry laughed and put his arms around the girls.
‘D’you know what I seen today?’ He went on to describe to everyone the unfortunate incident with the farmer. His highly colourful and detailed account of the affair was enjoyed enormously by all, especially Rowena and Mandy.
‘It was just a mistake,’ I said.
‘Mistake! I should say so,’ he laughed. ‘Your first mistake was getting caught wiv your trousers round your ankles and your second was not duckin’.’ Everyone laughed uproariously.
‘Well, tell us about this milkmaid of yours,’ Mandy ordered, ‘we’re fascinated. Was she creamily delicious?’ More laughter.
‘I’ll tell you later,’ I said, feeling slightly irritated by the direction the conversation was taking. I didn’t want Rowena to get the wrong idea about me. ‘Can we drop the subject, please?’
‘’Ere, that wasn’t the bird wiv the two kids I saw you snoggin’ in the Grotto Thursday, was it?’ Harry continued. The girls raised their eyebrows and made salacious noises.
‘Ooh, do tell. What was she this time, a shepherdess who’d lost her flock?’ Rowena asked with her glass to her lips.
‘I was not snogging her and she happened to be my sister,’ I seethed.
‘Keepin’ it in the family, eh,’ Gobber guffawed.
‘Ding-dong, ding-dong,’ Harry laughed as he raised his left leg and swung it around. ‘S’alright down ‘ere, aint it, girls? What you reckon?’
‘You girls play darts, do you?’ Rodent asked.
‘Try anything once,’ Mandy replied with a gleam in her eye.
‘You might ‘ave to, ‘angin’ about wiv Wally,’ Harry remarked. More general laughter. ‘’Ere you come on the right night, there’s a stripper on later. You girls’ll like that. Don’t know about Wally ‘ere, though. Your round, Wally, I got the last lot. Same again, girls?’
‘Thanks, Harry,’ they both said.
THANKS HARRY??
‘But I thought…’ I began and realised it was pointless arguing. Harry was on a roll.
‘Be alright carryin’ them on your own this time? The drinks.’ With that he took Rowena and Mandy to the dartboard.
I ordered the drinks – same as last time except I had a large whisky chaser.
I shouldn’t have started on the whisky, I really shouldn’t. I’ve never been able to handle the stuff.
I woke the following morning on a sofa in a room I didn’t know. Furnished some twenty years ago, it was about the same size and shape as the Hs’ front room. There were cold ashes in the grate and someone in the kitchen was noisily filling a kettle and whistling. My head was full of small nuclear bombs which were going off at regular intervals and my mouth felt as though it had been filled with quick-drying cement.
‘Watcha, Wally,’ Harry said as he sailed into the room. I sat up very slowly and held my head.
‘Where am I?’
‘My gaff,’ he replied. Everyone else’s out.’
‘What time is it?’
‘’Bout quarter to twelve. ‘Ere, you didn’ ‘alf enjoy yourself last night. Right sailor’s bunk you was.’
‘Was I? I don’t remember. Where are the girls?’
‘They scarpered, mate, just before you passed out.’
‘Passed out?’
‘Yeah, on Ruby’s knee. Said they ‘ad to see to a cat, or somefink. I said I’d look after you.’
‘Ruby? Who’s Ruby?’
‘You seemed to know her well enough last night,’ he laughed.
‘What?’
‘Yeah. Mind you, I’d stay out of the way for a while, ‘er old man’s a right GBH merchant. Still, you can’t blame ‘im, not wiv the way Ruby spreads ‘erself around, can you?’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘Right apple charlotte, she is. Wouldn’t be surprised if she got the Queen’s Award to Industry, amount of business she’s sent down the clinic. Fancy a cup of Rosie?’ he offered as he returned to the kitchen and took up whistling again.
I sat in silence trying to rescue the thoughts that were struggling to get out of the
