I went to bed early, a plan beginning to form in my mind as I forced my thoughts away from the edges of the desolate pool of abandonment that beckoned as a result of Cam’s hasty departure.
Chapter 14
I rose early and sketched some ideas on paper for the idea I’d allowed to gel in my mind the night before. I was a photographer. With no clients. But I could change that. I had a portfolio, a collection of decent shots that were lingering in a cloud account that I hadn’t accessed in at least two years. I could put up a website with a feature gallery. I could reach out to previous clients, ask for recommendations. And I could start the new venture that I’d imagined in the darkest hours of the previous sleepless night. It might not result in the immediate money that I needed. But it was better than doing nothing. And it was better than hurting someone who’d been hurt enough recently—someone who needed a friend, not a betrayal. Someone who also happened to be sinfully hot…
Before I could go to use the computer at the library, however, I needed to see my brother before he left. Try to make things right.
I drove to the lodge and parked out front, relieved to see Cam’s big truck still there. I was heading for the doorway, a monstrosity framed in fallen logs that had been varnished to a high shine, when I saw Jess sitting on a bench down the walk. She was looking out at the wide clearing around which the parking lot flowed. It wasn’t a meadow exactly, but it was full of grass and wildflowers, and in the mornings it sometimes held a low mist that floated above the greenery.
Jess sat with her eyes closed, breathing deeply. Her skin was almost translucent and something about her struck me as angelic, ethereal. Otherworldly.
“Hey,” I ventured, walking close to her. “I don’t want to interrupt.” Though that was exactly what I was doing.
Her eyes opened slowly and a friendly smile spread across her face. “I’m happy to see you, Maddie. Will you join me?”
I barely knew this woman. And she’d known my brother only since the time he’d decided to keep me from his life because of my choices. I had no doubt that she’d heard all about the worst aspects of me, and she knew the good parts of me only through what she might have gotten directly from me over the phone. I wasn’t expecting an easy friendship between us. I sat down softly, keeping several feet between us.
“I don’t bite,” she said, scooting closer to me.
I had no idea what to say. The idea of my brother having a wife had been strange enough, and she’d emailed photos so I knew what to expect in some ways. But finding that Cam had married this fragile soft creature was like a revelation to me, and a new view of my brother’s personality was revealed in her. I tried to smile, to look calm.
“I’m so sorry that we haven’t met in person before,” she said. She seemed undaunted by my inability to speak, leaning toward me and smiling warmly. “I tried to get Cam to close this gap years ago.”
“You’ve been amazing. If it weren’t for you, I would know even less about my brother’s life. At least, thanks to you, I have a vague idea what’s going on with him.” We sat silently for a moment, Jess wearing an easy smile. “Hey, Jess? How did you guys meet?” We’d never discussed her first days with Cam.
“We met after your mother died. It was a really hard time for him. For you both, I’m sure.”
I nodded. Cam had never acknowledged that it might have been hard for me to lose Mom.
“He was angry. About a lot of things.”
“How did you meet?”
“In a grief group, actually.” She said it matter-of-factly, and I tried to imagine Cam going voluntarily to any kind of therapy.
“I didn’t know.” My heart was threatening to pull apart, the seams starting to stretch and fray. I cleared my throat to make sure no tears would find their way out.
“He’d lost your mom and dad at the same time, in a way.” She smiled sadly. “But all he talked about was you. That was how I knew I needed to help him hang on to you.”
I couldn’t help but stare at her. I’m sure my mouth fell open, and everything I felt must’ve been clear on my face. It had been hard for him. He had cared. He’d walked away from me, and then he’d grieved my loss as if I’d died. In one way I was touched, but a much more tangible and virulent emotion rushed through me—rage. “I didn’t die,” I bit out. “He left me. He abandoned me.”
Her smile didn’t waver. “Every situation is colored by your experience of it, right?”
I wanted to tell her to fuck herself, being all sage and wise in the face of my anger. But she was calm, and her smile was a small comfort. And she was far too nice to swear at. She was also right.
“He has missed you so much, Maddie. He has photos of you from childhood. He looks at them when he thinks I’m not paying attention.” The smile finally faded. “I need you to make up.” She said this with a plea in her voice and a finality that got my attention.
It must be true then. She must be really sick. But my future with Cam was not in my control alone. “He pretty much told me how it would be last night. He left me again.” I looked down at my hands, momentarily embarrassed by my ability to regress so completely, to blame everything on my big brother as if we’d just been scolded for making a mess.
But I did blame him. He could stay and try to make this work, but he was going to turn his back and leave, knowing that I had failed, that I was suffering, too. Maybe he couldn’t help me at all, but he could at least be my brother. It didn’t matter though, because I didn’t have what he needed. I couldn’t help him. Now I felt like I wasn’t just failing my family and myself. I was also failing this ethereal stranger, this frail angelic girl before me. “I don’t have any money. I can’t help.”
“Cam doesn’t need your money, Maddie.”
“That’s what he asked for.”
“Because he’s too proud to ask for what he really needs.”
“Which is?”
“Forgiveness.” She sat back then, and I got the feeling that she was letting that sink in. After a moment she spoke again. “I’m not going to be here for long, I know Cam told you that I’m sick. And I love your brother with everything I am, with all the strength I have. And he needs you. He’s going to need you more soon.” Her eyes filled with tears, and I felt like I’d do almost anything to comfort her, this near-perfect stranger who loved my brother as much as I did. “Please fix this, Maddie. Please.”
I shook my head slowly. “I have no idea how.”
Heavy footsteps approached and Jess’s face told me that Cam was walking towards us. “What’s this?” he said, his voice strained. He was trying to sound jovial. “A meeting of the minds? Am I in trouble?”
“Probably,” Jess said.
He took her hand and lifted her to her feet. “Ready to go, darlin’?”
She looked pointedly at me and then up at him. “No, actually. I’d like to stay another night. I felt so tired last night, I really didn’t get to look around at all. I’d like to see these big trees I’ve heard so much about.”
“They’re just trees, Jess,” Cam said, putting his arms around her. He cast a sideways glance at me. “They’re nothing special.”
I couldn’t help myself. I coughed out the word “bullshit” as if we were drinking beers in a bar. For one second Cameron’s face lightened, and he almost laughed. But then he remembered that he was angry with me, I guess, because he shook his head.
“We should get you home, honey.”
“I’m tired of home. I’m tired of rest.” Jess pulled out of his embrace. “I’ve asked to meet your sister for years, and I am not leaving now.” She stood before us, her hands in fists at her side. I had the impression that she was gathering all her strength for this show of defiance.
And Cam’s face revealed everything. He couldn’t deny her. He loved her completely, and I could see that he would do anything for her. He looked at me, and I could see the struggle on his face. A half-smile appeared, as if coaxed there. “Tour of the big trees, sis?”
&nbs
p; I could play along. With Jess’s plea ringing in my head, there was certainly no way I could say no. I’d go to the library to set up my website later.
*
The grove of trees for which the village had been named was a short drive from the village. Healthy tourists walked there every day, but Jess was clearly spent after her show of defiance, and I wondered if she’d even be able to navigate the paved pathways and gentle grades around the fenced grove. We all rode in Cam’s truck, and her face was pale and her breathing noticeably labored as we rode down the hill.
Cam needed no directions this time. He’d been here thousands of times. So had I. When we needed adventure away from our parents, we’d wandered into the town or down here. It was a couple left turns from the village and the way was clearly marked. This was tourist central, unlike the residential part of the village where you needed a compass and a great deal of luck to get around if you were from somewhere else.
I’d always laughed at how tourists got completely distracted in the tiny parking lot at the base of the grove. There were two Giant Sequoias at its edge, grown together over centuries or millennia. The trees shared one hulking trunk and then separated to reach side by side towards eternity above. It was breathtaking. But there was so much more to see if you ventured up the trails beyond.
Jess stood beside the twin trees, leaning up with her camera in hand. She squatted, she stepped back, she turned the camera and fiddled with the adjustments on top. While she tried to capture the giant trees in one frame, I quickly snapped a few pictures of her. Finally, Cam stepped up and pulled the camera from her hand. “If you spend the whole time trying to capture them on film, you’ll never see them at all. They’re too big for pictures.” He took her hand and guided her toward the path, leaning over to plant a kiss on the top of her blond head.
Something in my heart squeezed. It felt a tiny bit like jealousy, but I knew that wasn’t really it. It was true, my brother had cared for me gently at one time—for most of my life, actually. And he’d always been quick with a hug or a sweet kiss on the cheek. He’d never been embarrassed to hold my hand, even when we’d changed elementary schools and he was in fifth grade and I was a terrified second grader. He led me down the hall to my classroom by my hand and hugged me goodbye at my classroom door, ignoring the looks that other kids gave us. He would handle them later, I knew. Cam had always been good at taking care of himself. And everyone else. I was glad that he had someone to care for in Jess, but the thought of her dying nearly sent me to the ground in a puddle. What would Cam do then? Would a pile of money really help them? All the thoughts I’d had of trying to get a picture of Connor flew from my mind. Cam didn’t need money. Maybe in the short term, but it wouldn’t solve the real issues here.
I shook my head and vowed to be cheerful, to win Cam back so that I could be there to help when he really did need me. Jack may have taken him from me, but he wasn’t going to stop me from getting him back, and I didn’t need his friend’s dirty money to do it. My heart lifted as I realized this—maybe I was finally free of Jack’s influence on me after all.
We strolled along the path, which climbed at a steady rate as we approached the back of the small grove. Enormous trees with red flesh and soft bark stood majestically beyond the fenced walkway, making the ground we walked feel almost sacred. A natural hush came over visitors who walked at the feet of these trees; it had always been true. And on days like this, when I had the time to really look at them, and appreciate their massive size, their sheer tenacity, I realized that I lived so near them most days in thoughtless oblivion. These trees made you appreciate how short human life is, how little time we really have. They were here when I was born, and they’ll stand when I die. Lives like mine, like Jess’s, are just a blip on their radar.
“It’s humbling,” Jess breathed as we sat inside the hollowed out log of a fallen giant. The trunk we rested in had been used over the centuries as a stable, a shelter, even a barracks for soldiers. And now it was a part of history.
“I love showing this to people,” Cam said. “I’ve forgotten how amazing it is up here.”
He was talking to Jess, but I pretended he was talking to me. “It makes you realize how fast the rest of the world is moving, how busy we all are spinning our wheels,” I said.
They both looked and me, and for a second I thought Cam would say something awful. But he just nodded.
Jess looked pale, and a thin sheen of sweat coated her forehead. “It’s beautiful,” she said. “I think I’m ready for a little snack, though.” She forced a smile, and I could tell she was struggling.
Something passed through Cam’s eyes for a split second as he looked at me, and then it was gone. Fear. It had been a wild fear that I’d seen before he recovered himself. “Sure, babe.” He rose and helped Jess to her feet. “Let’s go back.”
They walked along slowly in front of me, his arm around her shoulders as she gazed upward. I took shots of them walking and smiling at each other, their heads close. At times they stopped as we headed back to the car, and one of them would point upward, showing the other something high up in the treetops. Their love for each other was so clear in those instances that I envied them. But almost more than I wanted that kind of companionship for myself, I was happy to see that my brother had found it. I was glad he hadn’t been alone these last few years.
We got back to the car and Cam took us to the diner. “Is this still the only game in town for food?”
“Pretty much,” I said.
“Then I think we’ll need some more of that pie.”
We went inside and Miranda brought us each a slice of Frank’s pie, and for a little while, Cam talked to me like an old friend.
Maybe the pie turned the tide for a short time, or maybe it was Cam’s distraction. While he and I talked, Jess smiled and nodded, but she was clearly exhausted. I wondered what she was suffering from, but if they weren’t bringing it up, I was certainly not going to ask.
“So, sis. The idiot is gone, you live in a trailer and work in a diner. What’s the plan?”
Straight to the point. “By idiot, I guess you mean Jack.”
“Who else?”
“Right.” Jess looked embarrassed for me, so I explained. “It’s fine. He was an idiot. I don’t know what I was thinking.”
“Me either,” Cam breathed.
“I’m sorry,” Jess said.
“It’s for the best,” I told them. “And for now, there isn’t a huge plan. I’ve been kind of feeling my way along. It’s been less than a year.”
“Right, but. I mean…” his eyes softened and for a minute, my big brother was back, sitting across from me. “You can’t stay up here. This isn’t the right life for you.”
I cocked my head to the side. “I like it up here, actually. It’s not about location,” I said. “But you’re right that I can’t live in a trailer, work in a diner and live on the bloody edge of poverty much longer.”
Cam’s face darkened at the mention of money, and I knew he was thinking about whatever care Jess required and my Dad’s bills, too. I wished I could help.
“The lawyer is still working on a few things,” I said quickly. “That part of things might get better. But until that happens, I’ve got some ideas.”
“Any hot mountain men up here?” Jess asked, smiling brightly.
“That’s all she needs,” Cam spat.
“Actually…” should I really tell them? Jess’s eyes lit up when I started talking, so I plowed ahead. “There is a guy up here. He’s a writer.”
“Who?” Jess’s voice was excited and she sat up straighter.
“Connor Charles. Do you know of him?”
She clapped her hands. “Oh my gosh, yes! I read all his books. I even have one with me! They’re pretty crazy. Very dark, and…” She stared at me hard for a second, a strange look on her face. “Oh my God, I bet you’re exactly his type.”
What the hell? “Why do you say that? Did you read an interview or something?
”
She shook her head, still watching me like she was trying to figure something out. “No, but…any time there’s a victim in one of his books who gets saved, who escapes whatever horrible psychopath is on the loose…” she paused and glanced at Cam. “She looks just like you.”
“What?” I dropped my fork. What did that mean?
“It’s uncanny, now that I’m thinking about it…but yeah, all the victims that get rescued or escape or whatever, they all have brown curly hair and blue eyes.”
That was strange. But not really earth shattering. “Seems like he could think of something else once or twice…”
She shook her head. “I think it’s kind of his thing.”
“Or a lack of originality,” Cam said.
“Huh, well, maybe I’m his type, like you said.” Connor could save me all he liked with that incredible hair, and the strong arms that I could still feel around me if I closed my eyes.
“Earth to Maddie.” Cam sounded irritated.
“Sorry.” I blushed. Clearly they knew I’d been thinking of Connor.
“Look, Maddie. I’m happy for you, I guess.” Cam didn’t look happy.
“You sound it.”
“Well, maybe it isn’t the best time for you to be running around with some guy. I mean, you have a lot of shit to straighten out up here. Maybe you don’t need a distraction like that. And your track record with men…”
“Point taken.” I wanted him to stop. I felt happier than I had in years, just thinking about Connor and the sweet honesty that seemed to live between us. Now that I had definitely dismissed the idea of selling a photo of him, I was eager to see his face again. Cam wasn’t going to ruin it for me. “Maybe you should meet him while you’re here.”
“No, I…” Cam started to disagree, but didn’t get a chance to finish.
“I’d love to meet Connor Charles! Do you think he’d sign a book for me?” Jess was practically bouncing.
Love Rebuilt Page 16
