“It was because my guidance counselor suggested it,” Hailey finally answered Emma’s much earlier question. “I needed more activities or something.”
“Not in a lot of clubs or sports?” Emma leaned confidently against the locker immediately next to Hailey’s.
She was so close. Hailey could smell something like coconut and suspected it was either her lotion or shampoo, until she glanced at the top shelf of her own locker and remembered her lotion, which was coconut and mango, and had apparently been left uncapped inside. She was losing her damn mind. Why did she care what this girl smelled like? That was creepy. That was most definitely a thing creepy people do.
“No, not really,” she replied honestly, pulled her bag out of her locker and dumped two textbooks inside it along with some other study supplies.
She couldn’t tell anyone what textbooks or even if she had work to do in those subjects because she kept feeling how close Emma was to her. She closed the locker and hefted the bag onto her shoulder.
“I’m on the dance team myself.” Emma continued walking alongside Hailey.
Hailey wondered two things. She wondered what class Emma was clearly going to be late for, as the rest of the students seemed to be in that patented high school hurry and beat the bell pace toward their classes; and two, she wondered why Emma was still talking to her.
“Dance?”
“Yeah, I’ve been doing it forever. It’s pretty fun most of the time.”
“Cool,” Hailey replied.
“We perform at the games. You haven’t seen us? With the cheerleaders?”
“Games?” Hailey turned her head to get clarification.
“Football,” Emma returned with a lifted eyebrow, and Hailey wanted to marry that eyebrow. It had this somewhat thin point when it was arched. She thought it was possibly the sexiest thing she’d ever seen. What? She was nearly toppled over by a large boy who was trying to run past her, but in all her lack of focus on anything other than that eyebrow, she’d failed to notice. “Jake, calm the fuck down! You could have killed her,” Emma half-yelled at the boy in the football jersey and jeans.
“Sorry, Emma and-”
“Hailey,” Emma told him.
“Hailey. Sorry, Hailey.” He rushed off.
Hailey returned her bag to the proper spot on her shoulder and regained control over her body only to finally discover that Emma’s hand was on her back. It must have been there for a minute because Hailey knew if it had only just appeared, she would have definitely felt the touch.
“You okay?” Emma asked her sweetly.
“I’m good. Thanks,” Hailey told her and then motioned with her finger toward the library. “This is where I’m going. Don’t you have a class to get to yourself?”
“I’m a student aid this period,” she explained. “I have to go to the office and file stuff, so I’m good, but have fun in the library.” She smirked at her and Hailey nearly died.
“Thanks.”
“Are you going tonight?”
“To what?”
Emma laughed.
“To the game? Sorry, to the football game. It’s at home tonight, in that giant stadium behind this building.”
“Oh, I don’t usually.”
“You should. They’re pretty fun. Maybe if you do, we can hang out. I have warm-ups right before half-time and then the performance, but before and after that, I’m pretty free.”
“Hang out?” Hailey queried.
“Yes, like teenagers do sometimes.” Emma was finding Hailey’s questions funny, but not in a rude or a condescending way.
“I might,” Hailey offered. “I don’t know.”
“Well, if you do, just find me. I’m usually either around the concession stand or at the bottom of the bleachers with the rest of the dance team.” She turned to walk off and then quickly turned back. “Nice to meet you.” She gave her a shy smile.
That smile was all it took for Hailey to fall endlessly in love with Emma Colton. Hailey went to her first ever football game that night and happened to catch Emma in an almost private moment. She’d been on the phone with someone and had, therefore, been separated from the pack of girls she’d just been surrounded by. Truthfully, Hailey had seen her and watched for about ten minutes before approaching. The thought of walking up to her when she was around all those other people was a little too much. Hailey hadn’t ever had a boyfriend, that was true, but she’d never been asked out either, so that explained that part. The thoughts she was having about that eyebrow and the eyes under it, and the hair and the hands and the lips and the fingers, and how the shirt she’d been wearing at school seemed to fit her perfectly in all the right ways had Hailey’s head spinning. She’d never been attracted to a girl before, and she needed to not be attracted to this one; because Emma was nice, but Emma wasn’t gay. Hailey knew that much. Hailey knew she was feeling something more intense than friendship, but friendship would be all that was offered in return. She gulped back at the thought of how Emma looked in that dance team uniform.
“You came?” Emma smiled at her and placed a hand on Hailey’s elbow. “I was just talking to my dad. He was checking in, as usual. Did you just get here? It’s after half-time. Did you see the performance?” That was rattled off quickly, and Hailey didn’t know which question to answer first.
“I got here a few minutes ago, and yeah, I missed it. I got here earlier, technically, but I had to park on Shallows because I was late. I walked all the way here, tried to get in, and they told me I needed my student ID, so I had to walk all the way back and then here again and wait in the entrance line to get the ticket and-”
“That seems like a lot of work. I hope you didn’t just do that for me.” Emma’s smile was still plastered on her face.
“Oh, I-”
“I’m kidding,” Emma saved her and removed her hand from Hailey’s elbow. She looked past Hailey to the girls on the dance team. Hailey heard one of them call for her. “Do you want to walk around a little? It’s your first game. We can check everything out.”
“I don’t want to take you away from your friends.”
“It’s okay. I do this with them every week,” Emma pressed. “Come on.”
They walked around the stadium on the outside. Hailey didn’t see a single second of the game that night. What she did see was the outside of the stadium from every angle as they continued on, and Emma regaled her with stories about herself and peppered Hailey with questions about herself too. There was laughter, and some serious topics were shared between them as they continued around for the second time. There had been cheers from both sides of the stadium, so Hailey didn’t know who was winning. Their school butted up against about an acre of woods and she noticed a couple walking in that direction. She’d never thought to even go back there before, but she saw another couple proceed down what appeared to be a path.
“What’s back there?” Hailey pointed in that direction and watched Emma’s eyes follow her hand.
“Oh, that’s where people, you know,” she stated vaguely.
“They…?”
“They mostly make out. I’m sure some of them go further, but thankfully, I’ve never encountered that.”
“You’ve been back there?”
“Not to do anything, no,” she pointed out as if she needed to defend something. “There’s this little pond back there. There are these frogs or toads or something that croak. It’s kind of cool at night. Do you want to go back there? I can show you.”
“The pond?”
“Sure. Why not?”
Hailey was seventeen when she was kissed for the first time, and she was kissed by a girl. Emma walked them down the path. Before Hailey knew it, they were holding hands. It wasn’t like the friend hand-holding she’d seen gaggles of girls do either. It was the fingers linked together kind of hand-holding that after only a few minutes had escalated to Emma’s head on Hailey’s shoulder; and Hailey knew it then. She knew it. She liked girls. She liked the softness of Emma’s
hand in her own. She liked the head on her shoulder, and the feeling of a warm body pressed against her side, and the warm breath and the giggles against her neck as they continued to walk and talk.
When they sat in front of the pond and were completely alone, Emma confidently sat between Hailey’s legs and encouraged Hailey’s arms around her waist. Hailey had it figured out now. She’d never felt comfortable talking to boys. She could talk to a guy as a friend with no problem, but the moment it could possibly turn into something more, she’d make an excuse to end the conversation.
Hailey felt completely normal for the first time in her life. It was because her arms were wrapped around a girl, and she could rest her chin on Emma’s shoulder. There were more words exchanged, but none of them had to do with orientations or what they were doing at that moment. Hailey was afraid that if she brought it up, it might stop, and she did not want this to stop. In fact, she wanted more. She didn’t know if Emma wanted more though, so she kept holding her as they had minutes of sporadic yet comfortable silence. Then, Hailey felt Emma’s head begin to turn. It was just a small turn at first, but she slowly began inching her head to the side. Her lips were so near Hailey’s. They hovered there for a moment, and each girl stared at the other. There was a gentle press of lips at first, and they both pulled back but not far and not long before they rejoined. Hailey managed to open her mouth just slightly, enough to indicate that she wanted to take the kiss further. Emma, apparently, did as well because her lips were parted and she took Hailey’s bottom lip between her own and then Emma’s tongue was inside Hailey’s mouth, and Hailey’s body was on fire. She was being pressed backward to the ground. Emma was hovering over her in an instant. Their lips remained attached as their limbs began to entangle themselves, and it was only after an announcer’s voice boomed through the loudspeakers of the stadium that someone had done something worthy of cheer that they broke apart. Emma remained where she was, still on top of Hailey and staring down at her with expressive dark eyes, and Hailey felt right. She felt happy.
They started dating in secret that night because neither of them was sure what it all meant yet. It took them some time for each to determine how they’d identify themselves when they came out to their respective parents. Hailey was happy to have Emma there when she’d told her mother about not only the fact that she was gay, but that she had a girlfriend and that they’d been together for three months. Emma’s mom had died when she was young. She only had her father, and he was great about the whole thing.
When graduation came, Hailey cried. Emma had gotten into Rutgers and planned to study veterinary medicine there. That meant they only had three months left before she would only see her girlfriend on breaks from school, when they could make it work. Hailey knew she wouldn’t follow Emma to Rutgers and had no intention of applying to schools out there merely because her girlfriend was there. They had a great summer together and managed to make it until Emma’s spring break her freshman year before things ended. It wasn’t a horrible break up. There was no yelling or cheating. And that might have made it worse for both of them. They were still in love. There were tears during and after the breakup on both sides. For about an hour after, Emma just sat up in Hailey’s bed right next to her. They were both silent, save sniffling and tears that flowed every so often, and then Emma got up, walked around to the other side of the bed, reached down to take Hailey’s hand, squeezed it, and then kissed the top of her head.
“A part of me will always belong to you. You know that, right?” She uttered as her lips hovered over Hailey’s head.
“Yes. For me too.”
“I should go.” She released Hailey’s hand, and they said their goodbyes.
She saw Emma for the first time three years later at her father’s funeral. She found Emma first in the church for the service, but she’d been unable to approach and wouldn’t have anyway. It wasn’t the time. When they arrived at the cemetery, the crowd was smaller and sat in white wooden chairs in front of the casket. Emma was one of the last to arrive. That was when Emma’s eyes found Hailey’s. Hailey hadn’t yet sat down because she wasn’t sure where to sit at all. Emma let go of her uncle’s hand and hurried in heels and her requisite black dress in Hailey’s direction. She wrapped her arms around her neck, pulled her in, and Hailey knew she needed her own arms around Emma’s waist. They held onto one another like that for several minutes, Hailey guessed, as she heard sniffs and felt warm wet teardrops land on the sweater she’d worn over her own dress. She squeezed Emma as tightly as she could, as if that would somehow bring her father back or stop this pain. Emma pulled back and wiped her eyes. She let out something about thanking Hailey for coming, to which Hailey said words she no longer remembered, and then felt Emma’s hand pull her in the direction of the front row of chairs. She sat there next to her, holding her hand for the entirety of the rest of the service; even daring to offer Emma a kiss to her temple while moving the hair away from her neck.
That was years ago now. They’d been friends on and off since then. It seemed as if they both found it easy to be in contact when they were single, but the moment one of them started dating someone else, the other disappeared. They’d speak via text until there was a breakup.
◆◆◆
As she sat up in Charlie’s bed that morning and pulled the blankets off of her to head into the kitchen, where she knew she’d find Charlie making cereal and coffee, she wondered why she’d been thinking about that one real time she’d been in love so much these past few months.
CHAPTER 3
When Charlie woke up to find Hailey lying asleep beside her, she had a moment of panic rush over her. She knew she’d fallen asleep while watching the show and that Hailey had been next to her, but Hailey always slept on her couch, despite Charlie offering her the bed time and again, and even offering to sleep on the couch herself if Hailey wanted, but Hailey liked that thing. She’d been in her bed this morning though, and she looked so beautiful. Her eyelashes were long. Charlie could picture the light green eyes under the closed lids, and she smiled. She rarely got a chance to just stare at Hailey, because that would make it pretty obvious that she wanted her. When Hailey slept on the couch, she always managed to be turned facing the back of it, revealing only her back. Charlie had stared at that a few times. She knew she was pathetic. She worried for a moment that maybe she’d done something while asleep, like, try to hold her or maybe she’d just drooled. She’d shaken that out of her head, climbed out of bed slowly so as not to wake her sleeping friend, and made her way to the kitchen to make breakfast.
“Morning.” Hailey ruffled her already messed hair as she made her way into the kitchen and sat on the stool in front of the island.
“Hey.” Charlie pushed an empty bowl, the half-used gallon of milk, and the fruity cereal she knew Hailey liked over toward her and then sat beside her.
“Sorry, I crashed next to you after the show.”
“I noticed. No big deal.” Charlie took a bite of her somewhat soggy cereal. “Coffee?”
“No, I’ll get some on the way to work. I’m going to grab a muffin or something too, but thanks.” She pushed the cereal and other items back toward the center of the island.
“You never turn down sugar cereal. What’s up?” Charlie questioned with a sip of her own coffee.
“Nothing,” Hailey offered in reply. “I just feel like hitting up Sally’s on the way in. I’ve got to head that way,” she said, referencing their local coffee shop.
“Well, you can have the bathroom first. I’m working from home this morning and going to a site later.”
“Cool. Thanks.” Hailey stood and made her way to the bathroom to ready herself for work.
Something was off with her. Whenever Hailey stayed over like this, it was the same routine. She slept on the couch; Charlie would inevitably wake her when she went to the kitchen to make her breakfast. Hailey would join her, pour her favorite kid’s cereal, and eat alongside her while they sipped on coffee neither of them ma
naged to finish.
Charlie finished her cereal and coffee and found Eddie standing near the door doing his outside dance. She’d tried to take him out as soon as she’d woken up, but he’d been uninterested and was instead interested in playing with his toy rope by himself. She took her dishes to the sink and attached his leash to his collar, which was a mistake because she’d yet to put on her shoes or coat, and Eddie was now whining.
“Where was this sense of urgency when I tried to take you out like ten minutes ago?” she questioned the animal who didn’t understand or care.
She finished getting dressed and thought about yelling to Hailey that she was taking him out, but she’d figure it out when she noticed them both gone. Eddie was picky about where to do his business and had already grown tired of marking his territory on the nearby trees, posts, and sidewalks, so it was a solid twenty-five minutes before Charlie returned to her apartment to find that Hailey was gone. That girl had always been quick at getting ready. Part of it was because she wasn’t the kind of woman that spent forty-five minutes on her hair, and the other part was that she was naturally beautiful, so she wore only a small amount of makeup.
Charlie let Eddie off the leash so that he could run around as usual, grabbed another cup of coffee and went to her desk that was against the side wall of the wide apartment. She’d thought about dividing up the space with panels or shelves, but she hadn’t gotten around to it in the beginning and then liked the open feel of it after all. The couch faced the wall with her living room TV. The kitchen was in front of the living room, and then there was the space behind the couch, which was an office and Eddie’s play area. She didn’t have a dining room table yet, but when she got one, that would be where it would go. It would cut down on Eddie’s runaround space, and because he was cooped up in an apartment for most of the day, especially during the winter, she felt she owed it to him to have a place to call his own. Her office was really just a desk with a few shelves on either side, but it worked for her. The desk faced the wall, but she’d put it directly in front of a window. She often took brain breaks as she worked, and she found having something to stare at was helpful for her process.
Just Tell Her Page 3
