Sebastian told Kelly about his grandmother and how much they enjoyed cooking together, and he promised her that one day he would cook something for her. After a few minutes of friendly conversation, she would leave Sebastian underneath the willow tree to play footsie tether ball or soccer, and his eyes followed her wherever she went.
Now that Sebastian was a respected and relatively admired member of his class, he lingered after school sometimes. He couldn’t participate in the spontaneous games that started up like dodge ball, keep away or tag, but he was an enthusiastic cheerleader. Also, there was the chance that he’d steal a few additional moments with Kelly Taylor, and more than once she’d walked with him to the end of the street where he turned left to go to his grandmother’s house and she went straight ahead to go home. Perhaps one day he would invite her to go with him. He’d spoken to Abuela Lola about it, and she thought it was a marvelous idea. Sebastian had already decided that they would make arroz sasonado, and Lola laughed when he explained that he wanted to serve the meal that had ignited her lifelong love affair with Abuelo Ramiro.
One morning while sitting underneath the willow tree, Sebastian found the courage to ask Kelly Taylor to go with him to his grandmother’s house after school. He was so nervous that he could feel the sweat on the palms of his hands penetrating the fabric of his trousers. She nonchalantly replied that she would ask her mother, but that she was almost certain her mother would say yes. Sebastian was so excited that he had great difficulty calming his heart and hardly slept the night before. Lola was delighted to know that she would finally get the opportunity to meet the magnificent Kelly Taylor, and she assured Sebastian that everything would be perfect for her visit.
The next day after school as they walked down the street together toward Lola’s house, Keith caught up to them. He was in an especially good mood because when he’d been awarded his Student of the Month medal, Ms. Ashworth had run out of McDonald’s gift certificates. On this day she was finally able to present him with it, and he promptly asked his two friends to join him.
“I’m going with Sebastian to his grandmother’s house right now,” Kelly said, although there was certain regret in her voice when she said it.
“I’m making arroz sasonado,” Sebastian said.
“What’s that?” Keith asked, making a face.
“It’s Puerto Rican rice with lots of good stuff in it,” he replied, and although he much preferred that he and Kelly Taylor go alone, he said, “You can come too. My grandmother won’t mind.”
“Nah,” Keith said, with a funny smirk. “I’m in the mood for a cheeseburger anyway.” And he strutted off down the street. Kelly stayed where she was watching him longingly for a few seconds.
“We should go,” Sebastian said, taking a few steps away, but Kelly Taylor didn’t follow.
“I guess I’m really in the mood for a cheeseburger too. You don’t mind do you? We can go to your grandmother’s house tomorrow.”
Sebastian shook his head and even managed to smile and wave as Kelly Taylor sprinted away after Keith, her pigtails sailing behind her. As he watched them race each other to the corner, a strange paralysis came over him, followed by a hollow pain that settled in the pit of his stomach. And that’s when he remembered that he had a doctor’s appointment the next day after school. There would be no tomorrow with Kelly Taylor at Abuela Lola’s house.
When Sebastian entered his grandmother’s house and saw the counter organized with all of the ingredients to make arroz sasonado, he felt sick. This green eyed monster was more powerful than he’d ever suspected and it provoked the worst feeling he’d ever known, worse than fear, and humiliation, worse than hate, loneliness and sadness all wrapped into one.
He opened his heart to Lola and his emotions spilled out like so many jagged pieces of glass. She collected them calmly and tried her best to put them back together in the order they should go. “That’s how it is with love, Sebastian. One minute you feel like you’re soaring high in the sky like an eagle, and the next thing you know, you’re squirming through the mud like a worm. But before you know it, you’ll be back up on your feet again, you’ll see.”
“Sometimes I wish that we’d never saved Monkey Boy,” Sebastian said, and after he said it, he shocked himself to silence, and stared into his grandmother’s startled face.
“Do you mean that?” she asked.
Sebastian nodded, shame faced and Lola sighed as she made her way to the counter to begin preparing the meal. Sebastian followed her, and they began with the sofrito as always and the familiar and delicious scent of onions, garlic and peppers cooking in olive oil brought Sebastian back to his senses. “I guess I don’t really mean it,” he muttered.
“I didn’t think so,” Lola replied.
“But I know that if Kelly Taylor ate the arroz sasonado she would fall in love with me just like Abuelo Ramiro fell in love with you because it’s magic,” Sebastian said, sniffing a bit. “We’re making magic, aren’t we Abuela?”
“Well, that’s definitely one way to look at it,” she replied pensively. “Or perhaps the magic is making us.”
Sebastian stopped to look at his grandmother, not understanding what she meant. She chuckled at the sight of his big round eyes gaping at her, and pulled him into an embrace.
Chapter Twenty-six
Dr. Lim was smiling more broadly than ever, and there was a definite bounce to his step when he entered the examining room. “How are you doing today, Sebastian?” he asked. He nodded to Gloria and Dean who were standing on either side of their son, as if claiming the half of him that belonged to them.
“Okay,” Sebastian replied somberly.
Dr. Lim assumed that his patient’s subdued mood might have something to do with his parent’s marital problems. Remembering the awkward exchange between them during the last visit, he decided not to ask Sebastian about it for fear that it would only provoke more tension. The poor little guy had enough stress in his life.
Dean and Gloria stood back as Dr. Lim began his examination. All the while, Sebastian examined his parents, how close they were standing to each other, and the expression on their faces. Were they friendly or hostile? Had the icy barrier between them melted just a little bit? He couldn’t be sure, but it appeared that if his father were to raise his hand he would just be able touch his mother’s elbow. But for the time being his hands were stuffed in his pockets, and her arms were crossed over her chest.
“Has he continued to put on weight?” Dean asked.
“He sure has,” Dr. Lim replied, smiling with pleasure. “Another five pounds, and he’s grown almost a full inch. If you continue at this rate, I might have to put you on a diet.”
Sebastian felt a sudden thrill run through him, lifting his spirits. He knew what this meant and he studied Dr. Lim’s almost feminine looking hands as he wrote in the chart. His fingers were the sleek and steady fingers of a surgeon and at that moment Sebastian had no doubt that they would know what to do to fix his sick heart when it was exposed beneath the glaring lights of the operating room. In this sterile environment filled with shiny instruments and where the sharp edges defined every corner, the outcomes were always clear, measured and precise. There were no dank dark spaces for doubt or fear to hide. In this place, everything always turned out exactly as planned, like a perfectly executed recipe.
“When do you think it would be best to schedule the surgery?” Dean asked.
“Hold on a minute,” Gloria said, stepping forward.
Dr. Lim turned to face her, his face placid but firm. “If we’re going to do it, the sooner the better, Mrs. Bennett.”
“I agree,” Dean said. “Why wait any longer?”
“Because…” Gloria replied glaring at her husband and Dr. Lim, more than ready to take on the two of them at once. “Nothing has been decided yet, because…I’m Sebastian’s mother and I’m not convinced that this is the right thing to do.”
“Then what do you propose we do, Gloria? Just go on waiting f
or the sake of waiting?”
“We don’t know for certain that another operation will help,” Gloria returned. “And Sebastian has adapted very well to his limitations.”
“But at least with another operation he won’t have to go through life as a weakling.”
“For God sake, Dean, how can you say such a thing in front of your own son?”
“He should know the truth…”
“He doesn’t understand…” Gloria said, and they continued to argue about whether or not Sebastian was too young, and too vulnerable to endure another surgery. In her desperation, Gloria brought up what happened when Sebastian was born and how she had trusted Dean and the family which nearly cost Sebastian his life.
Dr. Lim’s face went pale as he watched his young patient squirm and shrink away from his parents. “What do you want to do?” Dr. Lim asked, his eyes focused on Sebastian alone. He set his chart on the table and knelt down before his patient. “With another surgery it’s possible that we’ll be able to mend your heart so that you’ll feel much stronger than you do now. Will you be able to run fast enough to play soccer? I’m not sure, maybe not, but you’ll be able to run faster than you can now without tiring. There are always risks associated with surgery, and there is a chance that things won’t go exactly as planned. But if you don’t have the surgery, there’s a good chance that your heart may become even weaker than it is today.”
Gloria began to mutter and was preparing to protest more loudly, but Dr. Lim raised his hand to silence her. “Sebastian,” he said, “Do you want me to perform the surgery?”
“How can you possibly ask a child…”
“He may be a child, Mrs. Bennett,” Dr. Lim replied calmly, “but it’s his life and his heart we’re talking about here. Surely, Sebastian’s desires should be taken into consideration.” That, said, Dr. Lim focused his attention back on his patient. “What would you like me to do, Sebastian?”
Sebastian tore his eyes away from Dr. Lim’s face to consider his parents. His father’s calm blue eyes weren’t so calm, and the muscles along his jaw were taut as he waited to hear how his son would answer. His mother’s eyes were bathed in fear, and her cheeks were trembling. Sebastian had never seen her look so desperate and it frightened him. Nevertheless, he felt an incandescent power glowing inside of him, and it moved him beyond his fear and it spoke to him clearly, and deliberately. At that moment, he felt even more powerful than he did on the playground when Keith asked him to decide Sean’s fate. This was his own life he was determining now, and for the first time, he actually felt that it belonged to him.
He turned to Dr. Lim and said, “I want the surgery.”
After he said this all was silent for a moment, and then Sebastian heard the jingle of his mother’s keys as she yanked them out of her purse, but he couldn’t bring himself to look up at her face.
“You take him then,” she said.
“What are you talking about?” Dean asked.
“Sebastian can live with you from now on because I refuse to go through this again. You can watch him die on your own. “ She rushed out of the room, and they heard her keys jangling as she ran all the way down the corridor.
That night at his father’s apartment, Sebastian couldn’t sleep. Every time he was about to drift off, he felt something pierce his chest, like a cold blade of steel running through him, and he opened his eyes for the hundredth time to stare into the darkness.
After his mother had rushed out of Dr. Lim’s office, Sebastian and his father left a few minutes later and had hamburgers for dinner. Then they went straight to Dean’s friend’s apartment. Dean suggested that Sebastian sleep in the other room, since his friend was away for a few days, but Sebastian refused. He much preferred to sleep near his father even if his snoring kept him awake.
Gazing at the blurry outlines of unfamiliar furniture in the room, Sebastian reached under his t shirt and placed his fingers on the delicate scar that ran along the length of his chest. Normally it felt numb, but on this night the scar was warm and sensitive to the touch, and he imagined the scalpel slicing through it and the oozing trail of blood that would follow in its wake. He saw his heart gathered like a twisted fist of noodles, quivering and pale under the bright lights. How could anyone unravel such a mess? Maybe his mother was right.
Sebastian turned to look into his father’s face. He was sleeping on his side, and snoring softly. Suddenly, Dean opened his eyes and was momentarily startled when he saw another face only inches away from his own. He’d forgotten that Sebastian was there, but then he remembered and smiled. “Did my snoring wake you up?” he asked.
“It’s okay,” Sebastian replied.
“Is something wrong, little man?” Dean asked noting the despair in his son’s voice.
Sebastian shook his head, and bit his lip. He wanted to feel as strong and sure about things as he had at Dr. Lim’s office, but now in the middle of the night, in a strange bed and a strange room, his courage had abandoned him, and he was a trembling mass of fear. His eyes began to water. “I’m sorry Dad,” he whispered.
“What for?”
Sebastian felt a surge of emotion well up inside of him and then he broke down in sobs. They wracked his body for several minutes, as his father held him close. “It’s okay,” Dean whispered all the while.
“I’m sorry,” Sebastian said again, feeling ashamed of himself for falling apart in the middle of the night and keeping his father awake.
His father whispered, “I understand how scared you must be. I’m scared too, but Dr. Lim is an excellent doctor, and I know that all is going to be well, you’ll see.”
After a few minutes they lay quietly in bed, completely spent. Dean was silent, but Sebastian knew his father wasn’t asleep yet. He was thinking too.
“Dad,” Sebastian whispered.
“Yes, little man.”
“I can’t go through with it.”
There was no response for several seconds, and Sebastian was glad for the darkness so he wouldn’t have to see the disappointment on his father’s face. “First thing tomorrow, I’ll call Dr. Lim and tell him to cancel the surgery.”
Immediately Sebastian felt the pain in his chest subside and a soft veil of tranquility drift over him. “What about Mom?” he asked.
“Don’t worry about your mother. I’ll deal with her,” he said. “Now go to sleep. It’s very late, and tomorrow’s a school day.”
The following afternoon, Gloria arrived to pick up her son at his grandmother’s house, and she found them working in the kitchen side by side as usual. On this day they had made Funche, a Puerto Rican style of polenta that could be sweet or savory depending on whether you wanted to have it for dinner or dessert, but on this day they would have it for dinner. As they worked, Lola told Sebastian that Funche was a much loved peasant dish on the island, although it was enjoyed by all people because it was so simple and versatile.
Sebastian had blended the ingredients together himself. He began by bringing water and salt to boil in a large pot. He then added the cornmeal, whisking constantly to keep it from getting lumpy, and then he turned down the heat to medium low, and stirred for another fifteen minutes. He had to switch hands to keep them from getting sore, but he knew that the smooth creamy results would be well worth it. Once the cornmeal was thick, he took great pleasure in stirring in a bit of cream. Lola told him that while this wasn’t the traditional preparation, it gave the dish a rich and satisfying finish. Sebastian decided that the Funche would be even more delicious with a few additional cloves of garlic. He minced these very finely, expertly working the big kitchen knife, and folded it in with the rest of the ingredients which included sofrito and tender morsels of pork. Only then was it ready to bake.
Lola took the piping hot dish out of the oven a few minutes after Gloria had arrived, and placed it on a trivet on the counter. The top had toasted to a golden brown, and the steam was fragrant and delicious. After cooling for a few minutes, she’d slice and serve it on a p
latter, with a touch of olive oil and roasted peppers for garnish.
Sebastian wanted to forget all about the surgery so that life could get back to normal. He wanted to cook with his grandmother, and spend the weekends with his father. He wanted to do his homework, clean the whiteboard and play footsie tetherball. He wanted to go to sleep in his own room, in his own bed with his mother and sister under the same roof. It would be better if his father were there too, but he was beginning to understand that in life things were rarely exactly as one wished them to be.
Lola left the room for a moment to look for a serving platter she thought she might have packed away in the hall cupboard, and Gloria took the opportunity to ask, “How are you doing today, little man?” as though nothing had happened between them.
“Okay, just a little tired,” he replied.
“You didn’t sleep well last night?”
Sebastian shook his head, and gave her a furtive glance. No doubt his father had related the details of their difficult night together.
“Me neither. I think it was the worst night I’ve had in a long time.”
He smiled and she smiled, and then she held her arms out to him. Immediately Sebastian went to her and she embraced him as he laid his head on her shoulder. She was right, he had adapted very well to his limitations. Life was as good as it could be, and there was no reason to ask anything more of it. And although he could barely admit it to himself, the truth is that it was much easier to disappoint his father than it was to disappoint his mother. Even with all the changes he’d experienced lately, he doubted that would ever change.
Chapter Twenty-seven
The screen door was unlocked as usual, and all was quiet when Sebastian entered his grandmother’s house. Immediately, he noticed that she wasn’t in the kitchen consumed by the preparation of a meal. In fact, from what he could see there was nothing at all on the stove. Then he saw her sitting on her rocker and facing the bloom of photographs on the wall. She was leaning slightly to one side, with a cane resting against her knees. Sebastian approached slowly, afraid of what he would find. He knelt down next to her and looked into her face. Her eyes were closed, and she was breathing peacefully. He gently shook her shoulder. “Abuela, wake up, Abuela.”
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