She opened her eyes and smiled.
“Have you been asleep for long?”
“No, I don’t think so,” she replied. “I sat down for a moment to rest, and closed my eyes.”
Sebastian noticed that her white hair was starting to grow in again and that the bright strawberry color had faded to frosty pink. In a couple of weeks, she would look as she had before and when he thought about how their lives had been before, he felt a vague emptiness come over him. The Senior Center meals, and artificial candles, the long afternoons spent together chatting about not much of anything. It had been so comforting before, but now it seemed like a dreary empty existence. He much preferred the new colorful life they had created, splendid with flavors and stories that were as vibrant and alive as a real fire.
He took hold of the cane resting against her knees. “I’ve never seen you use a cane before.”
“Oh,” she said, as if noticing it for the first time. “This was Charlie’s cane. Nobody wanted it, so I took it as a memento. My knee was bothering me a little bit this morning, just a touch of arthritis,” she said and she stretched out her right leg and rubbed her knee in a circular motion. “It feels much better now.”
“Are you sure?” Sebastian asked.
“Quite sure,” she replied.
He glanced over his shoulder toward the kitchen. “Aren’t we cooking today?”
She inhaled deeply. “I guess I’m a little tired today,” she said, but seeing the distress in her grandson’s eyes, she chuckled and asked, “Are you hungry?”
“I’m always hungry,” he replied.
Lola seemed pleased to hear this, and her expression brightened. “I have an idea,” she said. “Why don’t you cook for us today?”
“Me? But I don’t cook as well as you do.”
“I’m not so sure about that,” she said pointing Charlie’s cane toward the kitchen. “We have everything you’ll need for a tasty picadillo.”
“But it won’t be the same if I make it.”
“It might be even better, and I’ll guide you from here if you need me to.”
“I think you should call the doctor,” Sebastian said.
“And tell him what? That I’m an old lady who’s tired at the end of the day? There’s no cure for that. Anyway, the only medicine I need is the delicious meal my grandson will prepare for me. How will you start?”
Sebastian thought about this for a moment. “I’ll start by chopping some garlic, onions and peppers,” he said.
She nodded. “And then?”
“I’ll prep the other vegetables and take the meat out of the refrigerator so that it’s not too cold when I start browning it.”
Suddenly energized, Sebastian scampered away to the kitchen to organize his ingredients while Lola looked on. In no time he had everything ready - the ground beef, the onions, peppers and garlic chopped and sizzling in olive oil, and the can of tomato sauce open on the counter.
“Don’t burn the garlic this time,” she said.
“I won’t,” he replied. “I’m going to make a lot just in case more people come over.”
“Yes, you do that,” Lola said closing her eyes again, but she wasn’t asleep. She was listening to the happy sounds coming from the kitchen, the sizzle of the sofrito, the clack and scuffle of the wooden spoon scraping the bottom of the pan, and the steady chop of the knife on the cutting board.
“Did I ever tell you how your grandfather died?”
Sebastian stopped what he was doing to look at his grandmother. “No, you never told me,” he replied.
“You and your grandfather were in the hospital at the same time, you at the beginning of life, and he at the end. There was great hope that you’d pull through, but there was little hope for your grandfather. The cancer was too advanced, and his heart was too weak to survive an operation.” She shifted in her chair and rested her head back, her eyes still semi closed. “The last time I saw him alive, he told me to go be with you, and he promised that he’d be waiting for me, but when I returned to tell him you’d come out of surgery, he was already gone.” Lola opened her eyes. “I failed him,” she muttered. “I wasn’t even able to bury him on the island as he wished. It was impossible. I…I…couldn’t leave the family when they needed me most. But I’ve been thinking about going back.”
“Where?”
“Home.”
“To the island?” Sebastian asked, surprised.
She nodded. “I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it.”
“Take me with you Abuela,” he pleaded.
She sighed and began to rock slowly in her chair. “It isn’t time for that yet, but even so, I can just see you running up the mountain all the way to that place where you can sit on the edge of the world and see the ocean below. It’s steep and slippery in places, especially after it rains, but with a little practice you’d do just fine.”
“But I can’t run,” Sebastian said.
“Really? Why not?”
“Because I have a bad heart, remember?”
“I’m sure you’d be able to run there.”
Sebastian stared into his grandmother’s face, trying to penetrate the gray haze that had settled there. She wasn’t herself, but neither was she exactly her old self again and this confused him. She was changing again, shrinking away, and he feared he was losing her all over again.
“Abuela Lola,” Sebastian said, walking around the counter to go to her. “I don’t want things to change anymore. I don’t want you to change anymore.”
She smiled sadly. “Yes I know, and I also know that some changes are easier to accept than others. When your grandfather died it was very difficult for me, but now I find great comfort in the thought of him in heaven waiting for me.”
Sebastian remembered what his sister had told him, that Abuela Lola had purposely started the house fire to be with Abuelo Ramiro, and while he had almost convinced himself that this couldn’t be true, doubts still lingered in his mind. Something told him that this might be the only opportunity he’d ever have to bring it up.
“Everyone thinks you started the fire on purpose so you could be with Abuelo Ramiro. Is it true? Did you start the fire on purpose?”
Lola jerked her head up to face Sebastian, her eyes cold and challenging, but then her expression softened and she appeared to be ashamed of herself more than anything. It took her several moments to find her bearings and respond. “I’m going to tell you a secret, but you must promise not to tell a soul.”
“I promise,” Sebastian said, his eyes as big as plates.
“It is true that I was cooking beans the day of the fire, but I didn’t fall asleep and forget about it as I told you everyone I did. Before I started the beans I lit many candles in preparation for the cleansing ritual we did on the island to heal our spirits after a painful time. I hadn’t preformed it for many years and I couldn’t remember exactly what to do, but I felt so badly after losing your grandfather, that I had to do something to go on living without him.”
“Before lighting the candles, I took a flask of Florida water, a perfume that smells just like spicy oranges, and poured a good amount out into a bowl near the candles on the table, but I forgot how flammable it was, and when I turned away for a moment, the table cloth went up in flames and then the carpet, the drapes and everything else. The only thing that survived was your grandfather’s chair, and the house of course.”
“And you survived,” Sebastian said.
Lola nodded, looking more ashamed than ever. “I knew your mother, and the others would be even more upset if they knew the truth about the candles and the Florida water. They never appreciated the old ways very much. Your Aunt Gabi, is a little more understanding, but it was better to let them believe I’d fallen asleep. I certainly never imagined…” she peered at Sebastian over her glasses. “They really believe I tried to do away with myself?”
Sebastian nodded, relieved to know that it wasn’t true, but he suddenly regretted bringing it up at all
. Perhaps it wasn’t good for her to relive such difficult memories.
As though reading his mind, Lola sighed and patted his arm. “Oh well, these things happened a long time ago Sebastian and it doesn’t matter anymore. I’m still here while my dear Ramiro waits for me in heaven. When you think about it, nothing’s really changed all that much.”
Feeling encouraged, Sebastian asked, “Do you really think there’s a heaven where people go when they die Abuela?”
“Of course there is,” she answered, sitting up straighter in her chair. “But I don’t think it’s like they make it out to be in church and in the movies with pearly gates and angels playing golden harps on big white fluffy clouds and all of that nonsense.”
“What is it then?”
“I’ll tell you what heaven is for me,” she said. “It’s this table right here, and everyone I love and have ever loved sitting around it. We’re enjoying a feast that we’ve made together, and we’re laughing and telling stories, and sometimes we cry a little bit too, but mostly we’re having a wonderful time. That’s my heaven,” she said smiling.
“Just people sitting around the table? That doesn’t sound very much like heaven to me.”
Lola nodded, and motioned for Sebastian to come closer. “I’ll tell you another secret if you keep this one just between you and me too.”
“Okay,” Sebastian said.
“When I was in the hospital and everyone thought I was in a deep sleep, the voices sounded like echoes from very far away, but I understood the words perfectly. Eventually, I was able to move and open my eyes, but I remained very still for awhile longer so you would all think I was still asleep. I know it was a sneaky thing to do, but I needed more time to think things through. You see, when I first heard you around me, together again after so many years, I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Soon I realized I was only in the hospital, and I feared that when I got better, we’d all go back to the way we were before. But then an idea popped into my head.” Lola smiled a sly little smile. “I wondered what would happen if I didn’t get better right away, and if I acted a little strange. I thought that maybe this would keep us together just as we were at the hospital.”
“Is that why you colored your hair?” Sebastian asked. “And why you broke the rules and started burning real candles?
Lola nodded, and studied the cane resting against her knee for a moment. “And I thought that if I started cooking the foods from the island that everyone had always loved, it would remind them of how it used be, and your mother and aunt would find a way to get along, but things didn’t work out as I planned.”
Sebastian shook his head vigorously. “Even if Mom and Aunt Susan are still mad at each other, things did get better Abuela. Lots of people have come around since you became a red head and started cooking again.”
“Maybe you’re right, and if I want to see my family sitting around one table, then I’ll just have to settle for weddings and funerals.” She looked into Sebastian’s wide eyes, and felt badly for burdening him with so many revelations at once. “But I don’t want you to worry anymore because I’m done acting crazy and breaking rules. There’s something to be said for acceptance as well, and today I’ve decided that what’s good enough for my family, is good enough for me.”
Sebastian returned his grandmother’s smile, but he could see in her eyes that it wasn’t really good enough. She was letting her idea of heaven go, and with it, her spark, her energy and maybe even her will to live.
“I…I like your heaven Abuela,” Sebastian declared. “It’s the nicest heaven in the world, maybe even the whole universe.”
Lola chuckled. “Oh don’t pay too much attention to an old woman’s ramblings. Anyway, you have to get back to the kitchen and see to my dinner.”
Sebastian was about to do as she asked, hoping that maybe she wasn’t slipping away as quickly as he feared, when she gently touched his shoulder, and he turned to see her eyes shining like stars. “Tell me Sebastian, what is your heaven?”
He thought about it for a few seconds. It didn’t take long for him to vividly picture the scene because it was always there, playing over and over again in his imagination. “In my heaven I’m on a soccer pitch and I’m running like the wind while my fans cheer me on. I’m kicking the ball past everyone, and when I get near the goal, I pop the ball up off my toe and do a spectacular backwards scissor kick into the net. The crowd goes wild and the announcer yells ‘goaaaaaaaal!’ at the top of his lungs. After the game they give me a big trophy for being the Most Valuable player of all time.”
“That sounds wonderful,” Lola said laughing. “I like your heaven very much.”
Sebastian smiled as he pictured his teammates lifting him up over their heads and carrying him off the field a hero, and then he sobered up when he realized that this version of heaven was even more impossible to attain than his grandmother’s.
By the time Gloria and Jennifer arrived, Lola had left her rocking chair to go to the kitchen and help Sebastian with a few things, although she was still using Charlie Jones’s cane and leaning on it quite heavily at times. After Sebastian lit the candles all throughout the room and everything wavered with the soft glow of light that usually inspired conversation, they were mostly silent as they ate the picadillo that Sebastian had prepared. It was quite good. Not as good as Lola’s perhaps, but the balance of flavors was nearly perfect. Everyone agreed.
Gloria watched her mother with worried eyes. She’d noticed the dampened mood, the fatigue that had settled over her shoulders like a heavy blanket.
“You seem tired today, Ma,” Gloria said.
“I feel fine,” Lola replied, smiling. “I’m enjoying a delicious meal with my daughter and grandchildren, and I couldn’t be happier.”
Jennifer asked, “Would you like me to help you color your hair again, Abuela? It’s faded a little bit. It’s not red anymore, but kind of pink…a nice pink, though.”
She ran her fingers through it. “Really? Well, as long as it’s nice,” she returned with a wink.
“When do you see the doctor again?” Gloria asked, pushing her empty plate away.
“Next week,” Lola replied.
“Maybe I should take you to see him tomorrow,” Gloria said.
Lola thought about it and shook her head. “Not tomorrow, I’m far too busy tomorrow.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. How could you be busy? I’ll cancel my afternoon appointments, and we’ll go. It’s no big deal.”
Lola sighed. “I’m fine, Nena. Let it be.” And then to clear the air and change the subject, she said, “You know, I’ve been thinking about redecorating in here - just throwing everything away and starting over again.”
“What are you going to throw away?” Sebastian asked. As far as he was concerned, her little house was perfect just the way it was.
Lola looked around the room and shrugged. “Everything,” she said. “Out with the old and in with the new. I’ve always liked that expression.”
“But you’ve had some of these things for years,” Gloria said. “Pop’s chair, and you always said that sofa was the most comfortable sofa you ever owned”
Lola shook her head. “It’s not so comfortable anymore. And I can’t sit in your father’s chair for more than a minute without getting a backache.”
“Can I have it?” Gloria asked.
“Take it,” Lola said with a wave of her hand. “And whatever else you want.”
“What are you going to do with all your old photographs?” Sebastian asked, especially uncomfortable with the idea of their family photos coming down from the wall.
“I’ll throw them out too. By now I should know what everybody looks like.”
“I’m with you Abuela,” Jennifer said. “Sometimes it’s good to change things up a bit.”
“No time like the present,” Lola said, and she pushed herself away from the table and walked over to her bloom of photographs. One by one, she took them down and tossed them on to her rocking c
hair, until the only one left hanging was her wedding portrait, surrounded by nothing but faded empty squares. Eventually, she took that one down too.
“The room looks bigger already, wouldn’t you say?” Lola asked.
“Much bigger,” Jennifer replied. “But we’ll have to repaint the walls.
Gloria and Sebastian were silent as Lola and Jennifer chatted about what color to paint the walls. Then Gloria stood up and walked over to the photographs Lola had tossed on the chair. She began sifting through them, and separated about a third which she placed next to her purse.
Later, as they drove home, Sebastian stole a peek at the photographs his mother had salvaged and was happy to see that along with pictures of her children, she’d taken the one of her and his father sitting together at the beach, with the sun in their eyes and the wind in their hair. His father’s adoring expression, as he gazed at her, was still more lively than the sea crashing behind them.
Soon after they arrived home, Gloria began making phone calls. She called her sister first, and this time Gabi took the situation more seriously. “Yes, that’s right,” Gloria said. “And when she took all the family pictures down from the wall it really scared me. She’s giving up, just like she did after Dad died.”
Sebastian was lying in his bed, feeling as lost and bereft as he’d ever felt. Perhaps if he told his mother what his grandmother’s secret heaven was it would save her from having to leave Bungalow Haven, but he had promised not to reveal any of her secrets. This quandary made him feel tired and useless, and all he wanted to do was sleep.
“There were a couple of places that looked pretty nice,” Gloria said, talking to her brother now. “There’s a place not too far from Bungalow Haven where they have round the clock nursing care and a large dining room for the residents.”
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