by Harper Bliss
Liv and Chris sat there, leaning back in the sofa, with a stupefied look on their faces. Poor things. They’d never seen it coming.
“Is she your first, then?” Gina asked, making Micky truly wish she’d told her mother on a separate occasion. She’d overlooked the fact that she would have questions of a different nature, and she’d also believed, wrongly it appeared now, that her children would find comfort in their grandmother’s presence, in not having to face the news alone.
“Yes, Mom, she is.” Micky couldn’t keep a hint of annoyance from creeping into her tone.
“I don’t understand,” Olivia said. “You were married to dad for so long. You’re not like auntie Amber, who’s been gay forever. How can it just change like that?”
“How, I don’t know, honey, but well, people can change over time and fall in love with totally different people in the course of their lives, even people of a different sex.”
“I hope you’re not rushing into anything just because Darren has a girlfriend now,” Gina said. Of all three of them, she seemed to be taking it the hardest. Or perhaps she was just better at translating her shock—and other emotions—into words.
“It has nothing to do with Darren.” And I met Robin before he even told me about Lisa, Micky added, in a very petulant voice, in her head.
“I would like to meet her as well.” Christopher’s voice was confident. “So what if it’s with another woman? I just want you to be happy, Mom.”
Micky felt a tear pearl in the corner of her eye at the words from her beautiful boy. His reaction she had been afraid of the least, perhaps because he was the eldest of her children and he understood the most. And he’d always been a bit of a mommy’s boy. His comment earned him an eye roll from his sister, though.
“Thank you, Chris. That means a lot.” Micky wanted to get up and give him a long hug.
“Whereas I will need some time to process this information about my only child,” Gina said. She’d barely touched her tea. Now, she rose and started looking around for her purse.
“Liv, Chris, why don’t I take you guys out for some fro-yo so your mom and granny can talk,” Amber said. She rose and made for the door and, in between, caught Micky’s gaze and mouthed I’ve got this.
✶ ✶ ✶
“I’m your mother, Michaela,” Gina said, “and I didn’t have the faintest idea.” After Amber had ushered the kids out of the house, her mother had sat back down. “You used to always tell me what was going on with you.”
“I didn’t tell you sooner because I was still figuring it out myself.” Perhaps this was the hardest part for Micky. She hadn’t just one day woken up and realized she only wanted to be with women for the rest of her life. It had been a slow, gradual process of small lightbulbs going off, often with years in between them, and finally illuminating a path for Micky through the darkness in which the desires of her subconscious mind had been cast.
“But you and Darren were married for eighteen years. I think that’s what baffles me the most. You were always happy, Micky. Up until a few years ago, when you lost some of your luster. I never gave you a hard time about the divorce because it’s not my place and I’d like to think you have a decent head on your shoulders and you knew what you were doing, but this… this I can’t understand.”
“The information is still so new. You’re still absorbing the shock. At least I’ve had time to get used to it—it took me years, in fact, to get to this point. I don’t expect you to throw your arms around me and tell me you understand. I’m as much a realist as you.”
Gina nodded. “Just for the record, I love Amber, and I have no moral or other objections to her lifestyle. You know that. I’m not some homophobic bigot, I just… as your mother, I can’t help but question this. Are you sure, Micky? Isn’t this just some midlife thing? How old is this woman, anyway?”
“Not that much younger than I am.” How could Micky possibly explain that being with Robin felt so right, so satisfying, so like coming home after a lifetime of traveling nowhere, that she felt it in every cell of her body? “And no, I can assure you it’s not a midlife crisis, even though I have the age for it.”
“What did Darren say?” Gina kept fidgeting, her glance skittering around the room. This was a hard conversation for her to have as well, Micky imagined. She could only hope the hard line of questioning would soon make way for softer words of understanding.
“He was happy for me.” Micky tried to hold her mother’s gaze but failed.
“I’m not trying to give you a hard time here. I’m just trying to make sense of this. You’re my daughter and I love you more than words could ever say, and of course I want you to be happy, I just…” Gina fell silent. At seventy-three, she was still a striking woman, but suddenly, startlingly, she looked her age. As though Micky’s news had accelerated some processes inside of her that had been magically slowed before.
“It’s okay, Mom. You need time to digest.”
“I would like to meet her. It must be serious if you’re telling the kids about her.”
Define serious, Micky wanted to say. Of course, she was very serious about Robin, but that didn’t change the fact that it was still early days for them. “She’s pretty amazing,” Micky said, failing to keep her voice from sounding schmaltzy.
“Set it up then. I’ll be there with bells on and on my best behavior. I’m a Ferro, after all, you know I can turn it on for anyone.”
Micky knew it was meant as a joke—an inside joke they’d had between them forever—but still, it came out wrong. She was, however, in no position to demand an apology from her mother. Micky was also pretty certain that Robin would have no problem charming Gina Ferro.
“I watch Wentworth too, you know,” Gina said. “They’re all lesbians in that prison.”
Micky broke out in a chuckle. “Don’t worry, Mom. They won’t throw me in prison for falling in love with a woman.”
✶ ✶ ✶
“I think they just can’t imagine it,” Micky said. It was the day after she’d told her children and her mother, and she lay with her head in Robin’s lap, looking up at her. “Or they have all sorts of images running through their head of things that they should never imagine their mother doing.”
“You’ve done your part.” Robin was stroking her hair. “You’ve told them. They know you’re there for them if they have questions. That is really all you can do. It’s up to them now.”
“I keep thinking about how easy they were about Darren and Lisa. It’s so unfair. Why should it even still matter in this day and age? Aren’t we all supposed to be so much more evolved now?”
“Says the woman who took ages to admit to herself she had feelings for other women.”
“All I was waiting for was for the right woman to turn up in my life.”
“And there I was, ordering a wet cappuccino in The Pink Bean. Imagine if you hadn’t taken that job. We might have never met.”
“I’d be going out with Martha.”
“Much to Amber’s dismay,” Robin said.
“Christ, imagine the drama. Me dating Martha and Amber having the hots for her. She’s already so reluctant to do anything about it now, because she’s Amber and these things always have to be a huge deal, and thoroughly talked through and whatnot.”
“Maybe Martha would have dumped you for Amber.” Robin smirked down at her.
“Are you saying I can’t keep a woman? You? Who brushed me off only to come rushing back to me because I’m so irresistible.” Micky found Robin’s hands and braided her fingers through hers.
“You are, you know. Irresistible. Maybe it’s because you’re Italian. I’ve always had a thing for the darker-haired, more exotic chicks.”
“Oh yeah?” Micky couldn’t stop gazing into Robin’s bright blue eyes. “How many chicks are we talking about here, now that we’re on the subject?”
Robin laughed heartily, making Micky’s head shudder in her lap. “More than you’ve had, that’s for sure.”
“You really want to know how many women I’ve been with? Because I would have to sit down and count. I’ve been at this lesbian thing for a while.”
“Next you’ll tell me you’ll need a calculator.”
“I just might.” Robin keeled forward and kissed Micky on the forehead. “But hey, those spectacular orgasms you’ve been having are only the result of my vast experience.”
“Oh, please, Robin. Your orgasms don’t seem any less spectacular than mine, and I’m a beginner. Your argument doesn’t hold up. You’ve been slutting it up for years, you might as well admit it.”
“And you best be careful what you say.” Robin’s interlaced fingers suddenly grabbed down hard, squashing Micky’s hand in a painful but not unpleasant grip. “Or I’ll have to punish you.”
Micky was still looking up at Robin, whose features had gone a bit more serious, though her eyes still sparkled. “I’d like to see you try.”
Robin scrunched her lips together. “You asked for it.” She let go of Micky’s hand, pulled up Micky’s top, and started tickling her mercilessly, her fingers running over Micky’s skin, making it impossible for her to remain still.
Somehow, Robin ended up on top of her. Micky’s blouse had ridden all the way up and her abs hurt from giggling uncontrollably.
Fuck, I’m happy, she thought. I’m so incredibly happy. She didn’t say anything, just pulled Robin close to her and kissed her for a long time, until darkness started falling outside—autumn really was creeping closer—and she had to hurry home before the kids got back from the movie they were seeing with Amber.
“Shall I go with you?” Robin asked, after Micky had meticulously smoothed down her clothes and finger-combed her hair back into shape.
Micky didn’t know if Robin was joking. “Not just yet,” she said. “Maybe in two weeks, after they’ve had a week at their dad’s and more time to come to terms with it.”
Robin got up from the sofa and walked over to Micky. “If they’re anything like their mother, they’ll be head-over-heels with me in no time.” She kissed Micky on the cheek so sweetly, that Micky didn’t want to leave anymore.
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN
Micky had made it clear to Christopher and Olivia that she was there for them if they had any questions, but after the weekend, they had quickly reverted to their habit of spending most of their home time in their bedrooms. When Olivia wasn’t around, Chris continued to assure her that he had no issues with what Micky had told him, while Olivia appeared to still be stuck in a let’s-pretend-that-conversation-never-happened phase.
Micky thought it best not to force either one to talk about it and give them—and especially Liv—the time they needed to adjust to this new, other side of their mother. But it was only the next Wednesday morning when she went into their rooms before heading to work the way she always did, to make sure they were awake and had all their stuff packed before going to their dad’s for the next week, that she realized how much tension had been hanging in the air in the house.
Since the divorce, Micky had always dreaded Wednesdays because they were change-over day, but this particular Wednesday, for the very first time, she felt an odd kind of relief at having the house to herself for a week. Because, it hit her, she had been walking on eggshells, and she had been feeling guilty for changing her children’s view about their mother once again. Micky had already upended their lives once and ruptured the stable home environment they’d always enjoyed. Now, once more, she was asking them to accept more change, while all they wanted, she guessed, after finding their feet again in a new neighborhood and at a new school, was for everything to stay the same, at least for a little while.
But Micky didn’t believe in the sort of motherhood that sacrificed everything for the children. She’d divorced Darren to “find her truth,” as Amber would call it, to “walk her own path” and she would never have done that if she didn’t truly believe that, in the end, her children could only benefit from seeing their mother at her happiest. Now especially, after having told them about Robin, she had to hold on to that. Because no matter how much the news had upped the level of tension in the house and brought up another subject her son and daughter disagreed on, for Micky, a sense of relief was starting to set in.
She’d only gone and had the most difficult conversation of her life. Sure, she could probably have done it better, been more eloquent, injected more patience into her tone when she’d talked to her own mother, but nobody was perfect. They weren’t actors in a TV movie, where, after a big reveal like that, the heroine worded her feelings in a perfectly understandable way that moved her family members to the point that the only outcome was complete, instant acceptance and teary hugs.
“Bye, honey,” she said to Chris, who still had the covers pulled over his head. She walked into his room, sat down on the edge of his bed briefly and planted a kiss where she thought his face would be. “I love you.”
He grumbled something she didn’t understand. Micky had never been that much of a morning person herself, but the way teenagers could overdramatize having to get up early in the morning was quite impressive.
She hesitated in front of Liv’s room, knocked twice, and when no answer came she opened the door. Olivia was up already, staring at her phone screen.
“Hey, you,” Micky said, ignoring the fact that Olivia hadn’t replied to her knock on the door. Being a mother to teenagers equaled being able to forgive their impoliteness as instantly as it occurred. “Are you okay?” Micky leaned against the doorframe.
“I didn’t sleep very well,” Olivia mumbled.
“How come?”
Olivia just shrugged, but Micky knew to give her some time to articulate her thoughts.
“Everything’s changing. Dad’s got Lisa and you…” She huffed out some air. “You’re a lesbian now.” She barely pronounced the l-word.
Micky headed into her daughter’s room and parked her behind on the edge of the bed. “I know it’s a lot, honey.” She brushed a strand of Olivia’s bedhead hair away from her face. “So much change all at once, and it may feel unfair, but it will all work out in the end, I promise you that.”
“No it won’t, because now you and dad will never get back together,” Liv blurted out.
“Is that really what you want? For your dad and me to get back together?” Olivia had never expressed that wish before.
“I don’t know, Mom. All I know is that how things are now isn’t exactly what I’ve been dreaming of.”
Micky scooted a little closer and put a hand on Olivia’s shoulder. “I know, honey.” Micky was about to apologize, but how could she possibly say sorry for falling in love with a woman and the subsequent happiness that had taken hold of her? She just had to keep believing that, in time, Olivia would understand this was all for the best. Though, looking at her, as she sat so frumpily in bed, looking a couple of years younger than her fourteen years, Micky felt a pang of guilt rush through her again for not putting her children’s happiness before hers. “It’s going to be okay.” Micky didn’t know what else to do but utter a few generic phrases. Olivia was still so young and vulnerable and susceptible. She still needed her mother to tell her this. “I promise you.” She pulled Liv in an awkward hug and said, “I love you so, so much.”
✶ ✶ ✶
At The Pink Bean, Josephine was missing in action due to some long-announced activity at the university she had to attend. Micky had assured Kristin she could handle the morning rush by herself by now, but she sure was glad that Kristin was there to help.
Micky had discussed her weekend of coming out with her boss quite a few times over the course of that week already, but the conversation with Olivia was still fresh on her mind and Kristin had become some wise lesbian guru to her who held the answers to many questions.
“Despite being well into the twenty-first century and the great leaps in acceptance that have oc
curred over the last decade alone, we still live in a heteronormative society,” Kristin said during a break. “It’s what 99 percent of children still grow up seeing all around them and accepting as the one true way.”
Micky had to chuckle at the irony. “That’s exactly how my children grew up, despite having a lesbian woman as a godmother.”
“There’s only so much influence a single person can exercise.” Kristin looked so well put-together again, as though her clothes were freshly laundered this morning, and her subtle makeup had been applied by a professional. “But there’s some excellent literature on the subject and you know that Sheryl teaches gender studies. If you want to give them a broader perspective, I’m sure she wouldn’t mind talking to them. You know how she loves to talk.”
With a nice bottle of wine by her side. Micky berated herself for that instantly. “That might be a good idea. And either way, it won’t hurt them to get to know a few more lesbians.”
“Sheryl and I have a bunch of nieces and nephews, and I can assure you that they are the best-educated young adults on gender- and queer-related topics.” Kristin smiled. “She even managed to convince my very conservative Korean parents to embrace the fact that their daughter was never going to marry a respectable man. And this was years ago. But I guess when someone with Sheryl’s natural gravitas and intense stare looks at you and tells you it’s okay to be gay, you just can’t argue against that.” Kristin chuckled. “And once she’s on her soapbox, it’s really hard to get her off. Unless you’re waving around a bottle of 1999 Barossa Shiraz.”
Micky didn’t know what to say to that last remark, so she focused on what Kristin had said before. “I would really appreciate Sheryl taking the time to do that. Between her and Amber, my kids don’t stand a chance of not accepting the fact that their mother has a lesbian lover.” Micky was so grateful to be able to discuss all of this so openly at her workplace and with her boss, who was quickly turning into a good friend.
