by Mia Archer
We walked down the sidewalk and through the groups of people streaming out into the neighborhoods surrounding campus. I’d looked at all of them and thought about what a grand time they were having going out to parties, but now I looked at all of them and wondered something else. I wondered how many of them had gotten too drunk at a party. How many of them, guy and girl alike, had been taken advantage of because they had a little too much to drink and things got out of control.
I shivered. It was good to remember that there was a dark side to life at college. A dark side to life in general. It wasn’t all happiness and rainbows and getting drunk.
Thankfully I hadn’t had all that much, though I wasn’t sure how much Alyssa had. She wasn’t stumbling or anything. She seemed to be more in shock than anything else as I led her away from student housing and back to the relative safety of the dorms.
I say relative because I didn’t think I was ever going to feel completely safe on campus again. Probably a good lesson to learn this early, and I could take comfort in the fact that I’d given more than I got. I smiled to myself as I thought of my fist making contact with that Todd asshole’s face. It had hurt, but damn had it been worth it.
We finally stumbled into the dorms. I looked down at Alyssa and thought she looked okay enough. I pulled us over to the elevator and it dinged happily. Everything seemed so clean and bright in here. The sort of place they’d take prospective students on a tour. Nothing like the seedy underbelly they probably didn’t include on any of the tours that was just a few blocks away from this palace built on student loan debt.
Once we were in the elevator Alyssa started shaking. I ran my hand up and down her arm and pulled her close. I had a feeling the shivering didn’t have anything to do with how cold it was in this damn elevator, but I also figured she probably just needed someone to hold her close.
At least I hoped that would make her feel better.
“It’s going to be okay Alyssa,” I said. “We got you out of there. Nothing really bad happened.”
“Because of you,” she sniffled. “I was so meant to you and then you were right there when I needed you. I’m such a bitch!”
I was inclined to agree with her, but I also wasn’t about to say anything like that. No, that seemed like it would be counterproductive. Better to just hold her and tell her what she wanted to hear. No point in arguing.
“It’s okay,” I said. “You just had a bad night. You ran into a jerk that probably tries to take advantage of freshmen girls like that all the time. He’s the bitch, not you.”
Alyssa reached up and wiped a tear from her eye. She actually managed to get out a little laugh.
“There we go,” I said. “Isn’t that better than crying? Don’t cry because of what that asshole did.”
“You really did make him your little bitch, didn’t you?” she said.
“I guess I did. The asshole had it coming though,” I replied.
“Yeah, he did. I can’t believe he’d do that. I really should’ve listened to you,” she said.
Alyssa pulled me closer and I fought the sudden urge I had to reach down and kiss the top of her head. She was leaning against my shoulder. Her arms were wrapped around me. My body was on fire and I would just have to lean down a little bit and press my lips against her hair.
Only after everything she’d gone through tonight I didn’t want to add myself to the mix. She’d been dropping pretty heavy hints all night long, hints that I really wanted to act on, but something had stopped me. I guess it was fear. Plain and simple. These feelings were new and scary and I worried that I was seeing the world the way I wanted to see it rather than the way it really was.
I realized what a mistake that was when Alyssa stormed off in a huff, but by then it was too late. Damn it.
The elevator dinged and the doors opened onto Alyssa’s floor. I pulled her out into the hall. She still seemed to be having a little bit of trouble getting around. I really hoped that was just because she was processing everything and not because she was hurt or something. I wondered if I shouldn’t just take her to the campus clinic, but I wasn’t too keen on the idea of pulling her down there after she’d had a drink. Visions of them realizing she was underage and her losing her scholarship danced through my head.
I really didn’t want to be responsible for something like that.
“Alyssa, we’re at your dorm,” I said. “Can you go ahead and open the door?”
She reached into her pocket and pulled out the little plastic dongle that everyone staying in the dorms got. She waved it in front of her dorm room and a little light turned green and beeped to let us know we could go in. I turned the knob and stepped inside, depositing Alyssa on her dorm bed and sitting down next to her.
I looked around the room and finally back to Alyssa. She was staring off in the distance and seemed to be completely dead to the world. I thought about waving a hand in front of her face or something like they used to do in old cartoons, but that felt like a bit too much.
Instead I settled with putting an arm around her again. We’d walked all the way back to the dorm arm in arm, after all. That didn’t seem like it was too big a deal. I was still a little reluctant to get too close with her. I didn’t want her to think I was acting like that asshole. It felt a little dicey getting too close so soon after she’d had such a bad experience with a guy trying to get too close for all the wrong reasons.
Alyssa sighed and leaned into me. I smiled. This might have been a horrible fucked up evening, but at least I’d gotten her out of there and now she was leaning against me. Despite the argument, despite punching out a guy I barely knew, things didn’t seem quite so bad in that moment.
I decided to enjoy it.
14: Opportune Moment
Alyssa:
Sarah felt nice pressed against me. I felt safe and secure knowing she was there. Knowing that she was the one with her arm around me and not that asshole. I shivered, but it was for a completely different reason this time around than when we’d been walking home.
That time I was reacting to the memory of what had almost happened at that house party. What might have happened if Sarah wasn’t there to save me. This time I was shivering thinking about all the things I wanted to do with Sarah but was afraid to give voice to. That she was afraid to give voice to.
All the anger I’d felt at her for being afraid to do that seemed silly now, though. A whole evening arguing with each other because I was mad at her for doing exactly the same thing that I was doing now. It hardly seemed fair. I’d been a jerk and still she’d been my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me from the drunk dragon.
I felt a little wobbly and lightheaded. It had to be from the alcohol. Sure I hadn’t had much, maybe half of that cup by the time I tossed it in Todd’s face, but I’d never drank before. Maybe that was enough to have me feeling tipsy and a little out of control. I looked up at Sarah. It was certainly enough to bring all the thoughts percolating in the back of my mind for some time now about how nice it would be if Sarah was more than a friend right to the front of my brain where I couldn’t ignore them any longer.
Where I couldn’t deny them any longer.
I reached up and pushed a strand of hair away from her face. It wasn’t even out of place, but I wanted an excuse to touch her face. She smiled and I melted.
“You were wonderful tonight coming to my rescue like that,” I whispered.
Sarah shrugged. “You would’ve done the same for me.”
I giggled. “Taken on a guy who was twice my size? I don’t know if I would’ve been brave enough, but you were. You’ve just been there for me lately and I really appreciate it.”
I was having trouble saying what I really felt because there really weren’t words that could describe the depth of how much I appreciated her being there for me. She was like the best friend I’d never had growing up because I was always so busy. If I had a best friend that I was also deeply and inexplicably attracted to.
It wa
s odd, but it felt right. I couldn’t deny how much I liked these feelings.
“It’s really nothing,” Sarah said. “I saw a guy who was doing something wrong and I gave him a piece of my mind.”
“Are you sure that’s all it was? Because you seemed awfully jealous of him earlier in the night when you thought I was interested in him,” I said. I lowered my voice to a whisper. “I was just saying that to try and make you jealous. I don’t know why I did that.”
“Yeah, I don’t know why you’d try to make me jealous either,” Sarah said, a nervous laugh coming out. “I mean there’s no reason for me to be jealous of a guy, right?”
“No, I’m not talking about that,” I said. “I don’t know why I thought I needed to make you feel jealous. It’s obvious what’s going on here and I’ve been too afraid to admit it. I think you’ve been too afraid to admit it.”
I moved a hand back up to her face. Ran it along her cheek. I figured if there was ever going to be a time that she ran screaming for the hills this would be it, but instead she closed her eyes and leaned into my hand. Let out a contented sigh. I smiled. That was just the reaction I was hoping for.
This was an opportune moment if there ever was one. I kept stroking her cheek and she kept her eyes closed as I spoke.
“I was always so busy concentrating on swimming that I never really had time for friends,” I whispered. “I’m sure you know how that is. The people you could be friends with were always in competition with you even though we’re all on the same team. They resent you for being so much better than them and you resent them because it’s not like they put in all the work you do.”
Sarah let out something that almost sounded like words. I took it for her agreeing with me and smiled. If anyone could understand how I felt growing up it would be her.
“I never really had friends, and I certainly didn’t have time for a relationship. I always thought I wasn’t that interested in guys because I didn’t have time for them, but now I’m starting to realize that might not be the case. Not exactly,” I said.
I moved my other hand down to take her free hand. Her eyes flew open and she searched my eyes. It was so cute the way they darted back and forth, searching my face for answers that I was finally willing to give her. Sarah coming to my rescue tonight even after the way I’d treated her made me realize that she’d be there no matter what. That she didn’t deserve the way I’d treated her.
I wanted her in my life, and I needed her as so much more than just friends.
“What are you talking about Alyssa?” Sarah asked. She licked her lips and her eyes started darting around the room. As though she was afraid to look at anything but me.
That loose tingling feeling I’d had ever since I downed half that glass of beer was growing more and more intense. I realized it had only really started when I was being pulled out of the house and Sarah had her arm around me. I realized it wasn’t any alcohol causing that feeling.
No, I was drunk on Sarah. It was time to show her what I was talking about. It was time to be brave and do what I’d been thinking about all night.
I closed my eyes and leaned forward. This might be a huge mistake. This might be taking things way too far. Still, this felt like a moment if there ever was one. Every other time there’d been a moment between us it was interrupted or I’d chickened out, and I wasn’t chickening out this time around.
I was taking what I wanted.
I moved the hand on her cheek around to the back of her head to pull her against me, though I shouldn’t have bothered. She was leaning in to meet me and our lips brushed together. I opened my eyes and saw Sarah staring at me with wide-eyed astonishment and I couldn’t help but giggle which sort of ruined the kiss but I didn’t care.
I pulled back and smiled. Blushed just a little. Our lips had only been in contact for a moment, but holy hell what a moment it was!
“Was that wrong?” I asked.
“No,” Sarah said quickly. “I liked that. I liked that a lot.”
“I liked it too,” I said. “That felt right.”
I leaned in again. I had a teacher in high school who used to say “fortune favors the bold” all the time, and this seemed like one of those times when I needed to be really bold. I pressed my lips against Sarah’s again, but this time around I didn’t open my eyes. I moved my hands down and wrapped them around her again, but this time it felt so much more intimate than any other time we’d held each other.
Her mouth opened and I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I was going on instinct and what I’d seen on TV. It struck me as sort of pathetic that I was taking all my social cues from what I’d seen on TV lately, but whatever. I opened my mouth too. That seemed like the right thing to do.
I got one hell of a surprise when I felt her tongue dart into my mouth. I almost yelped and pulled away I was so surprised, but I stayed pressed against her. It felt weird. It was wet and kind of ticklish and I could taste her, but it was also like her tongue was a live wire that went right to the core of my being and fanned a flame that I didn’t even know was in there. Turned it from a flame to a raging bonfire.
Damn that was an intense feeling. I wanted more of it! I experimented a bit and pushed my tongue into her mouth and she let out a noise that sounded like a gasp and a purr and that just sent me off on a whole new wave of hotness.
This felt good. This felt right. This felt like it was something that had been missing my entire life. Damn!
I got lost in the moment. I allowed myself to be washed away on a tsunami of feelings that were more intense and better than anything I’d encountered so far. The closest I think I’d ever come to the euphoria of making out with Sarah was when I hit the wall and knew I’d just won a race because there wasn’t a chance any of the girls in the pool were going to come close to me.
Only making out with Sarah was so much better than any of that!
Finally, unfortunately, that first intense session came to an end. I felt a loss as I pulled away from her lips. I knew something had just happened that was going to change my life. It was going to change the way I thought of myself. I was into girls and there was no denying it after those fireworks. I felt a fire raging in me at the thought of Sarah that couldn’t even be touched by the thought of a guy.
And that first moment of discovery was gone. At least I could realize that I’d just had an experience that would be a cherished memory for the rest of my life even as I felt its loss. Though I didn’t feel it too much, because Sarah was still right there in front of me and I had a feeling there were a whole lot more firsts to come with her.
I couldn’t wait.
I bit my lip and looked down. Blushed just a little. I didn’t know that I was quite ready to have any more of those firsts tonight, but I did know that I didn’t want Sarah to leave me alone. Partly because I was afraid of being alone after what happened earlier, but mostly because I didn’t want her to leave me.
“What would you think of staying the night?” I asked. Her eyes went wide and I quickly stepped in to make her feel better. I didn’t want her to think I expected her to hop into all that stuff because we’d shared one kiss. “I don’t want to be alone tonight and that felt so nice and we don’t have to go too far or do anything you don’t want to but I need you here tonight…”
I trailed off. I was rambling. I probably sounded like an idiot. I looked up, wondering if Sarah would be upset that I’d suggested she stay the night when we’d only just shared our first kiss. I’d practically thrown myself at her and I was dreading her answer either way because if she rejected me I wouldn’t get what I wanted and if she said yes then there was a chance I would get what I wanted and I was still having trouble thinking of myself like that.
Only she was grinning. All my worries melted away at that smile. Sarah always made me feel safe and secure, and this was no different.
“I think that sounds like a wonderful idea,” she said as she pulled me close and leaned down to kiss me again.
15:
Responsibility
Sarah:
I woke up and immediately regretted the decision. The tight clothes I wore the night before were perfect for going out to a party. They were perfect for rolling around in a tiny dorm bed meant for one person having the most intense makeout session of my life.
Never mind that it was also the first makeout session of my life.
Those clothes weren’t designed for a night sleeping in a bed designed for one person though. I felt pins and needles running all over my body that had nothing to do with how wonderful it was to wake up with Alyssa right next to me cuddled in my arms.
I paused to stare. I couldn’t help it. She was so damn beautiful. So perfect. It didn’t seem natural that a girl that beautiful would be interested in me. I thanked the fates above that had thrown us together through the spirit of good old fashioned competition.
Looking at her lying there smiling as though she had some sort of secret dream that only she was privy to made me ache for her. It also brought to mind some of the fun we’d had the night before which caused an entirely different sort of ache. I’d worried I was taking advantage of things and that I’d somehow be no better than that jerk face who’d tried to push himself on her, but it turned out she was more than willing to get up close and personal with me where she hadn’t been willing with him.
I grinned as she stirred. Her eyes fluttered open and that small secret smile grew even wider.
“Good morning,” she said.
“Good morning yourself beautiful,” I replied.
I leaned in and brushed my lips against hers. It seemed like the thing to do. That was how you greeted your girlfriend when you woke up in bed together, right? My girlfriend. I shivered at the thought. Sure we hadn’t made anything super official yet, but it felt good to think of her like that. I figured that’s where things were going.
I fell back on the bed. Yeah, things were pretty perfect right now. Alyssa beside me in my arms. The sun streaming in through the window right next to us. Birds chirping in the trees outside.
