Jeremy held me until I was all cried out and my sobs had quieted into gentle hiccups. He kissed my cheeks, brushing my tears away with his thumbs. My throat was hoarse when I finally spoke again.
“Mrs. Sheldon’s words had kept ringing in my ears. ‘It’s so sad. He was far too young to die,’ she’d told me sadly. I hadn’t heard anything else she’d said at that point and barely noticed the sorrow on her wrinkled face or the soft touch as she laid her hand on my shoulder. Eventually she’d walked away and back into her house.
“Everything I’d ever cared about, the one person in my life who I’d loved the most and who had loved me unconditionally, was gone; ripped from my life by a cold, heartless monster. I started to gag and turned to throw up in the bushes until there was nothing left inside me. I’d stared up at the house for a while. The place that should’ve served as a sanctuary, a respite from the bitter rest of the world. Instead, that house had shown me nothing but misery and loss, sorrow and excruciating pain. There was nothing left for me inside those walls, nothing I cared about anyway.
“In hindsight, I probably should’ve gone to the police and told them what my father had done. But at the time, I was an eighteen-year-old kid who was still recovering from surgery after being viciously attacked. I was scared and alone and devastated by the loss of my brother, and all I wanted was to get as far away from there as possible,” I admitted quietly.
“The nurses had given me some money, so I could try to get away from whatever bully or gang they’d imagined had attacked me. I took the money and ran to the nearest bus stop. I didn’t care where I ended up as long as it was far from Chicago. I decided on the bus ride to start going by Zach. I didn’t want to be myself anymore. I got as far as Indiana and was lucky enough to get a job at some diner on my first night. The owner lived above the diner and he let me sleep on his couch. I stayed there a couple of months and then moved on when he decided he’d rather I sleep in his bed instead.” Jeremy growled low in his throat and I couldn’t help but chuckle.
My chuckle turned into a loud yawn though and I realized that it was nearly morning. We’d been talking all night and I was physically and emotionally drained. As if he’d read my thoughts, he picked up his phone and called Edith who was working the night shift at the bait shop. He explained that I wasn’t feeling well and needed to take the day off and that he’d be taking care of me. I heard her through the line, telling him to take good care of her boy and call her if we needed anything. Jeremy assured her he would and then ended the call. He got up and left the room but was back a moment later with a warm washcloth. He sat down on the side of the bed and tenderly wiped away the tears that had dried in a path down my cheeks. When he was finished, he tossed the washcloth into the hamper and climbed beneath the covers with me.
He opened his arms and I slid into his warm embrace. I rested my head on his chest, comforted by the steady beat of his heart beneath my cheek. “Thank you,” I whispered as my eyes grew heavy.
“Sleep now, baby. No one will ever hurt you again. Not as long as I’m around,” he promised. As I drifted off to sleep, I prayed that Jeremy would stay with me forever.
I slept all through the day and by the time I woke, it was starting to get dark outside again. I could hear the shower running, so I climbed out of bed, groaning as I stretched my stiff muscles. A nice hot shower with a very sexy, soapy man sounded perfect, I thought. But first, I walked around, gathering the dirty clothes we’d tossed on the floor when we’d stripped each other down the night before.
I picked up Jeremy’s shirt by the front door, smiling as I remembered how hungry we’d been for each other. I’d never met a man like Jeremy before. He was smart and funny, strong and protective, compassionate and caring. I still wasn’t sure what he saw in me or how long it would last before he decided to move on. Whenever that day came, I knew that Jeremy would take the last piece of my heart with him. I wouldn’t have it in me to ever love someone again, but I was going to enjoy being with him as long as I possibly could.
I tossed the dirty clothes into the wash and shut the lid. I ran back to the bedroom and grabbed a condom out of the drawer. I had a feeling we were going to need it. I slid the drawer closed and started to turn when something caught my eye on the floor. It was a file folder and it was sticking out from underneath the bed.
Assuming it had fallen off the table, I picked it up and started to lay it there. A picture fluttered from the inside and landed faceup on the floor. My face scrunched up and I bent down to retrieve it, sure that I was only imagining things. I held the photo up and my hands began to shake as my own face, the way it used to look, stared back at me. I felt the blood drain from my face and my head began to spin, so I quickly sat down on the edge of the bed.
I couldn’t understand how it came to be there, at the lake, in Jeremy’s cabin. My hands were still shaking as I reached for the folder. I held my breath as I slowly opened the file, dread making my stomach twist painfully. I bit my lip to hold back a sob as I began reading the information typed on the sheets of paper inside.
It was all there in black and white. My real name and birthdate, a description of my physical appearance as well as my medical history from the hospital, both from my time there and previous injuries they’d discovered when they’d run tests on me.
My eyes filled with tears and I suddenly felt like I couldn’t breathe. Dropping the file, I ran from the room. I heard the shower shut off as I ran past the bathroom, but I didn’t stop. I grabbed my shoes from the front room and ran outside, slamming the door behind me as I went. I stopped at the bottom of the front steps, long enough to pull my shoes on and then I was off again, running towards the safety of my cabin where I could lock the door behind me and try to forget that I’d ever seen Jeremy’s face.
I grabbed the bottle of body wash from the shelf and squeezed some into my open palm. The crisp, clean scent of the soap and the warm water streaming over my body helped to clear the remaining cobwebs from my mind. I hadn’t slept well at all. Every time I closed my eyes, I pictured the horrific things Zane had told me.
Listening to the heartbreaking story of his past had nearly destroyed me. I’d never known my father, but I’d had a mother who was loving and kind and who devoted her entire life to making sure I never did without. I couldn’t imagine her ever raising a hand to me in anger or me being afraid of her. But Zane and his brother had felt that way nearly every day of their lives.
I couldn’t imagine the pain he’d endured, both physically and psychologically. The fact that he was still such a kind and gentle man after suffering so much cruelty was nothing short of a miracle. He was a one of a kind man though. I didn’t know many eighteen-year-olds who would be willing to sacrifice themselves to save their brother.
I closed my eyes and let out a long sigh as I thought of the other reason I’d lain awake most of the night. With everything he’d told me, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was the Zane I’d been looking for. I’d loved working alongside him every day, talking with him and getting to know him. It hurt to know that I was going to have to give that all up, but as much as I wanted to, I could no longer hide from the truth.
Micah was counting on me to take Zane back to Chicago, but as much as I loved and respected my boss, my loyalties had changed since I’d arrived at the lake. I no longer cared about following orders. My first priority and my only concern was Zane’s well-being. I still hoped to take Zane back to Chicago, but my reasons for it had changed. Before, I was going to take him there simply because Micah had asked me to. Now, I would be taking him there so he could face whatever demons from his past had come searching for him. But he wouldn’t be facing them alone. Whatever Micah’s reasons for wanting Zane brought back, I would be standing by his side.
That was, if he let me. It was going to be difficult to tell him the truth. I was sure he’d feel betrayed when he discovered why I was really there, but I would do my best to convince him that he wasn’t alone any more. I needed to te
ll him I loved him and that if he’d have me, he’d never have to be alone again.
I had just turned the shower off when the sound of a door slamming caught my attention. I grabbed a towel from the rack as I climbed out of the shower and wrapped it around my waist, not bothering to dry off. I stepped out of the bathroom and peered down the hallway into the living room.
The clothes that had been lying on the floor were gone and I could hear the gentle whirring of the washing machine. The sound I’d heard must’ve been Zane starting the laundry, I thought. Smiling at his thoughtfulness, I walked to the bedroom. I think my man deserves a reward. I pulled the towel free from my waist and began drying my face and chest as I walked into the room.
“Thank you for starting the wash, baby, but you didn’t have to do…” My voice trailed off and my jaw dropped as I saw the file I had on Zane and all of its contents spilled across the floor.
It felt like an icy finger was trailing its way down the length of my spine and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry or throw up. I spun around, hoping Zane would still be there, that he’d give me a chance to explain, but the room was empty, and a feeling of dread filled me.
My heart was racing as I rushed to throw on some clothes. I choked back tears at the thought of him somewhere all alone, feeling hurt and betrayed. I’d caused all of this, and it was time I made it right. I knew he probably hated me and never wanted to see me again, but I had to get him to listen. I had to explain.
I raced out the front door and straight to his cabin, praying the whole way that he was still there and that he hadn’t disappeared again. At that point, I didn’t give a rat’s ass about the assignment I was on. I couldn’t lose the man I loved.
I slowed down as I got nearer to his cabin and nearly doubled over with relief when I saw his truck in the driveway. I gulped in a deep breath and held it for several seconds before blowing the air back out through pursed lips. Once my breathing had leveled out a bit, I climbed the steps.
His door was locked so I went to knock instead, but my fist froze halfway there as I heard the muffled sound of Zane crying through the door. A burning sensation spread throughout my chest and I opened my hand, laying my open palm on the door instead. My forehead fell forward, landing against the door. Tears streamed down my face as the sounds of his cries continued, echoing throughout my heart. The man I loved was in pain. So much pain had already been inflicted on him throughout his life, but that time, it was all my fault.
“Zane? Baby, please open the door. Please, give me the chance to explain,” I begged.
“Just go away,” came his shaky reply.
“No. I’m sorry, but I can’t. I can’t leave you when you’re hurting,” I insisted.
“I wouldn’t be hurting if it wasn’t for you! I trusted you!” he shouted.
His words delivered a direct hit like a flaming arrow and suddenly I couldn’t breathe. I turned around and slid my back down the door. I pulled my knees up to my chest and wrapped my arms around them, as if by folding my body tightly enough, I could keep my heart from shattering.
“Oh, God, baby. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” I repeated over and over.
I cried for several minutes; deep, heart-wrenching sobs. He was absolutely right. I was the reason for his pain. I should go back to my cabin, pack my things and leave. I should lie to Micah and tell him that I’d had the wrong man and that Zane had never been found.
An image popped into my head. It was the memory of my first morning there, when I’d seen Zane floating in the water, his face tilted up and his eyes closed. He’d looked so serene, so peaceful. I knew now how few chances he’d had in his life to feel at peace. And then I’d barged in and destroyed that for him. Shame weighed down on me and I bent my head under its pressure.
Still, I couldn’t make myself walk away. I knew that what Zane and I had between us was real and I refused to believe otherwise. Brushing away the wetness from my cheeks, I stood up and tried again.
“Zane, please, let me in. Let me talk to you. I know you probably have a million questions and you feel betrayed and that’s my fault. That’s all on me, but please, give me the chance to explain,” I pleaded. It was quiet for several seconds and I held my breath as I waited. Finally, he spoke.
“I do have a lot of questions, but the one I want answered the most is, was it all a lie? Everything that happened between us. Was it all just some twisted part of whatever game you’re playing?” I could hear the pain in his voice and it nearly brought me to my knees.
“No, baby. None of that was a lie. Please, believe me. The way I feel about you, my desire to get close to you, that was all real. It had nothing to do with your past or why I’m here.” I caught myself. No, I needed to be fully honest with him if I wanted any kind of chance at him believing me.
“Okay, so maybe at first it did. I needed to get to know you, so I could try and figure out who you were. But that only lasted as long as that first day. Once I started talking with you, as I got to know you and saw the way you treated the people and the animals around here. When I heard you laugh the first time and debated with you over politics and religion. The times when it felt like there was no one else in the entire world except you and me, that was all real.
“It stopped being about who you were before, and it became about who you are now. The man whose blue eyes sparkle when he laughs. The man who hates scary movies but can walk through the woods all alone at night without batting an eye. It became about the man who steals my breath away every time he smiles and who I can’t imagine not holding in my arms ever again.” I stopped as that thought burned through me. I held my fist in front of my mouth as I fought to hold back a scream.
I sucked in a gasp as I heard the lock click and the door slowly slid open. Zane stood on the other side of it, a wary look in his eyes. His eyes were puffy and red-rimmed from crying. A trail of tears still rested on his cheeks and his hair was messy, like he’d been running his hands through it.
I stepped towards him, my hand outstretched, but he stepped away from me and turned his back. My arm dropped down and my hand fisted at my side. He had every reason to refuse my touch, to not trust me, but it was the most difficult thing I’d ever had to do to stand there and watch him suffering without being allowed to comfort him. I’d have given anything to be able to pull him into my arms and show him exactly how real my feelings for him were. I had to give him time though. I was just grateful that he’d opened the door.
Zane didn’t say a word as he walked over to the couch and sat down on one end. His back was ramrod straight, and he wrapped his arms tightly around himself as he kept his gaze on the floor, refusing to meet my eyes. I followed him and looked down at the couch. I knew I only had one chance to get this right and I didn’t want to scare him off, so I sank down at the other end, leaving the cushion between us empty. Minutes ticked by with neither of us saying a word. My mind raced with where I should start. I was terrified of saying the wrong thing and having him turn me away.
“Why are you here? Who sent you?” Zane asked, breaking the silence. His voice was flat as if he were asking about the weather, but I could see the tension in his eyes and the rigid set of his shoulders. I knew him inside and out and I knew that he was suffering.
My voice trembled as I began to explain, and I stopped to clear my throat. “I work for a place in Chicago called Hamilton Security. It’s a firm made up of all ex-military personnel, specifically those who served in the special forces and have particular skill sets. Mine is in search and rescue.”
Zane leaned back in his seat, but his eyes remained straight ahead. “So, that part was true? About you being a pararescueman?”
“Yes,” I breathed. “Everything I’ve told you about myself is true. I spent twelve years in the Air Force then decided to retire when my mom passed away. I went back home to Boston, but then I got a call one day from Micah Hamilton in Chicago. He was putting together an elite team of former spec ops and he wanted me to come work for him. I flew out,
met him and his crew and decided to take the job.”
“What is your job exactly?” he asked. His eyes flitted over to me, briefly, but it brought a spark of hope to my heart.
“Pretty much anything Micah assigns to me. Sometimes I’ve installed high-tech security systems in rich people’s houses. Other times, I’ve acted as a bodyguard for politicians or Hollywood celebrities,” I explained.
Zane shook his head and he turned, holding my gaze for the first time. “Rich people and celebrities? I’m neither of those things, so how did you end up looking for me?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “Micah asked me to. I don’t know why,” I answered honestly.
He looked away, running his hands over his face then leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees. “I don’t even know where to start with all of this,” he sighed.
“Ask me anything you want. I promise, I’ll tell you everything I know,” I assured him. He grunted at that and I stared down at my hands, tightly clasped in my lap. I knew I deserved his distrust, but still, it stung. I missed the easy conversations and the laughter I was used to sharing with him. Will we ever have that again?
“Who is this Micah to you, other than your boss? He sounds like he’s someone important,” Zane said. I thought I detected a touch of jealousy in his words, but it may have just been wishful thinking on my part.
“Micah is one of the best men I know. He’s strong and intelligent and he’d do anything to protect the people he loves,” I told him.
“Does he love you?” Zane asked sharply.
“Yes,” I answered. Zane’s head swiveled, and his eyes widened. I held my hand up to stop him as he opened his mouth to speak. “It’s not what you think. Micah loves me the same way he loves all the men who work for him, like brothers. We’re a family there and Mary, the office manager, is like a mother to us all. I met them right after I left the military and had buried my mother. They’re really great people and they became my family at a time when I felt all alone in the world.” Zane turned his head and his eyes traveled over my face, looking for the truth in my words.
Found_Hamilton's Heroes series_Book 1 Page 14
