“Are you feeling better, Zach?” she asked, worry causing her forehead to crease as she looked me over for signs of illness. I felt my face heat with shame for having lied to her.
“Edith, I need to talk to you,” I told her seriously.
“You can tell me anything, Zach,” she answered kindly. She turned on her stool, giving me her full attention.
I took a deep breath. “I wasn’t really sick yesterday and my name isn’t Zach. It’s Zane. Zane Wilkinson.” I waited for her anger, knowing that she had every right to fire me and tell me to never come back again, but she didn’t.
Edith tilted her head, a gentle smile curving her lips. “It’s nice to meet you, Zane Wilkinson.”
“You’re not angry?” I asked. She laughed at the surprise in my voice.
“I’ve always known that you were carrying secrets around with you, Zane. It’s in your eyes, in the way you keep everyone at arm’s length. That’s why I was so happy to see you with Jeremy. You’ve smiled more since he showed up than in the whole two years you’ve worked here. That boy’s good for you,” she said.
I ducked my head, staring at the cup in my hands. I hadn’t realized that my secrecy and unwillingness to let people get near had been so obvious to her. Edith had always been very perceptive though and I should’ve known she’d pick up on it.
“I won’t push you, but I do care about you, very much. I’d be willing to listen, anytime,” she said softly.
I lifted my head and met her warm gaze. I started talking then. I told her everything, from my mother’s suicide to my father’s abuse. I told her all about Isaac and the outstanding person he’d been. I told her about the hospital staff’s kindness and how they’d given money to a virtual stranger just to try and help him be safe. I told her how I’d worked odd jobs, desperately searching for somewhere to call home, but that no place had ever quite fit until I’d found Bradbury Lake.
Edith cried throughout my story, but she listened quietly, letting me get it all out. It was easier that time, I realized. The pain eased the more I spoke of what I’d been through. It was as if the more I spoke about my past, the less power it had over me. Finally, I told her about the file I’d found in Jeremy’s room and the fight we’d had after. The only thing I didn’t tell her was the part where Jeremy had told me he loved me. That was something sacred that I wanted to keep, just for myself.
“So, you’re hurt and angry with Jeremy right now,” she said. I nodded my head, even though it was more of a statement than a question.
“Yeah. I mean, I guess he had a job to do, but he lied to me,” I said glumly.
“Listen, I understand why you feel that way and you have every right. He did keep the truth from you and that’s never an easy thing to accept. But you lied too, Zane,” Edith pointed out gently. “We all lie at one point or another and we all have our own reasons for doing so. Sometimes it’s to protect others and sometimes it’s to protect ourselves. Who’s to say what’s right and what’s wrong?”
“I know, you’re right. I’m certainly guilty of hiding parts of myself too,” I admitted sheepishly.
“You had your reasons, but now, I hope you’ll stop hiding and show the world what an incredible young man you are.” Edith smiled at me and I leaned forward, giving her a hug. She seemed surprised at first, but then her arms wrapped around me.
“Thank you. You’ve been more of a mother to me than my own mother ever was,” I whispered over her shoulder.
“Oh, you’re going to make me cry again,” she sniffled.
I pulled back, and we laughed as we both reached for a tissue at the same time. I talked to Edith for a few more minutes and then I walked out and climbed into the cab of my truck. I looked out the window at the sun shining across the water. Bradbury Lake had been a peaceful refuge for me, but it was time I faced my fears. After seven long years, I was going back to the one place I swore I’d never return. I was going back to Chicago.
Zane had only said two words to me so far on the long drive back to Chicago. He’d said thank you when I’d gone through a drive-thru and bought breakfast for us. I noticed he’d only picked at his breakfast sandwich though, but I didn’t say anything. I knew his nerves were probably tying his stomach in knots.
I’d been surprised when he’d shown up at my door that morning. I’d figured it would’ve taken a lot more time for him to decide to go back home with me. But I’d seen the sharp look in his eyes and the determined set of his jaw and I’d known that he was ready, before he even said a word. I’d also been pleased to see his hair combed away from his face. It would be such a small thing to anyone else, but it was an enormous thing for him. I immediately recognized the gesture for what it was, and it made me smile. It was his way of saying that he was done hiding.
I kept my attention on the road but looked at Zane out of the corner of my eye. He was staring out the window, lost in his own thoughts. I wished there was something I could do or say to help ease the situation he was in, but it was a shitty situation however you looked at it. Besides, I doubted he wanted my help anyway. I was the one who had brought all of the pain and horror of his past back to the forefront.
My eyes flitted back and forth between Zane and the road. We may have only been sitting a few inches apart, but we might as well have had a wide chasm between us. He was so distant, so far out of my reach and it made my heart ache. I understood why he had pulled away and I deserved it, but I missed the closeness we had shared. I missed him. His jaw was locked tight, his shoulders tense and his hands were curled into fists in his lap. I could feel the tension rolling off of him in waves and I hated it. He may have begun to hate me, but I couldn’t let him feel like he was going into this alone.
“Are you doing okay?” I’d said it quietly, but Zane jumped in his seat as if I’d shouted. I glanced over in time to see him shrug his shoulders, but his eyes remained staring out the window. “When we get there, we’ll go to Hamilton Security and see Micah first. I think we need to find out once and for all who’s been looking for you.”
“I think we both know there’s only one person in the Chicago area that would want to find me,” Zane responded. His voice sounded strained, but I was relieved that he had at least spoken to me.
“If it is your father who’s been looking for you, have you given any thought to what you want to do?” I asked him.
“That’s all I’ve been thinking about since we left the lake. I keep going back and forth between wanting to see him rot in prison and wanting to see him dead,” he answered solemnly.
“That’s understandable,” I said.
Zane leaned his head against the window and sighed. “Yeah, well, I doubt the prison thing will happen. It would be very hard to prove to a court that he did all those horrible things after all these years, especially if he…” Zane swallowed thickly, and his eyes squeezed shut. “Especially if he disposed of my brother’s body.” I reached over and laid my hand on top of his fist. He didn’t take my hand, but he didn’t push me away either.
“I won’t kill him either. Not because of some high moral standard, because I don’t think I’d care about that if I ever got the opportunity to have my hands around his throat,” he said darkly. My hand tightened over top of his. “I won’t kill him because then I’d go to prison and I already grew up in a prison of his making. I refuse to allow him to put me in one again. So, to answer your question, I have given a lot of thought as to what I want to do. I just haven’t come up with a solution yet. All I know for sure is that I don’t want him to get away with what he did to my brother. Isaac deserves better than that.”
“We’ll figure something out. He won’t just get away with the things he did, to either one of you,” I promised him. “And you won’t be doing any of it alone. I’ll be right next to you the entire time, baby.”
Zane looked a little surprised by my words, but he didn’t respond. He turned his head and looked out the window instead. Nothing else was said the rest of the way home, but I kep
t my hand securely folded over his. I wanted to lend him comfort, but it was just as much for me as it was for him.
I had the overwhelming need to hold onto him. Ever since I’d come out of the bathroom and seen him gone from my cabin and the file spread across my floor, I’d felt like I was going to lose him. He’d disappeared before, vanished into thin air for seven years and I knew that there was a very good chance that he might do it again.
He’d agreed to go back with me to Chicago, so he could face his father, but what about after that? He’d said it before, there was nothing else left for him in Chicago. Nothing but painful memories and me. So, what would he do? Where would he go? Would he return to the lake or would he be forced to move on because I’d ruined the peace he’d found there? Would he always think of me as just another in a long string of bad memories? Would he force himself to forget everything we’d shared?
My stomach lurched, my breakfast threatening to come back up. I rolled the window down, taking deep breaths of the fresh air in hopes that it would settle my stomach before I had to pull the car over and throw up.
A few hours later, we could see the Chicago skyline ahead of us. Zane sat up in his seat, his back straight and his shoulders pulled back tightly. It couldn’t have been easy for him to decide to face his father again after everything he’d been through, and I wouldn’t have blamed him at all if he’d wanted to turn back around and forget the whole thing. Instead, he was facing his demons head-on. He was very brave, and I was so damn proud of him.
We made it through the heavy traffic and, eventually, pulled into the parking lot behind Hamilton Security. I turned the engine off and turned in my seat to face Zane. To anyone else, he’d probably look calm and maybe a bit stoic. But I knew him better than anyone else and I could see the firm set of his mouth and the tension deep within his eyes. He was scared, but he was fighting it with everything he had.
“Whatever happens in there, no matter what we find out or who we have to face, you won’t have to do it alone. I know you’re upset with me. Maybe you even hate me at this point, but I love you, Zane, and I will not leave your side. I’ll be there to protect you and keep you safe,” I vowed.
Zane opened his mouth and shut it a couple of times, but finally he settled on a quiet, “Thank you.” I nodded, feeling a bit deflated, but knowing that I couldn’t push him. He needed time to decide if he could ever forgive me and right then, he had more pressing matters to deal with.
We got out of the car and walked around to the front of the building. I hadn’t called Micah to let him know I was coming back. There hadn’t been time that morning. Zane had shown up at my door, determined to leave, so we’d thrown our bags together as quickly as possible and headed out of town. Then I hadn’t called on the way there because I knew Micah would hound me for details, wanting to be sure I had the correct person and I wasn’t going to do that with Zane sitting right next to me, listening.
Mary looked up as we walked in and her face lit up with a huge smile. Before I could stop her, she was out of her chair and rushing around her desk to give me a big hug.
“Oh, Jeremy! I’ve missed you so much. It’s good to see your face,” she said in her thick Southern accent. Mary was a lot shorter than me, so I bent down and put my arms around her shoulders, hugging her back.
“Thanks, Mary. I’ve missed you too,” I said. She pulled back and I saw her eyes dart behind me to where Zane stood, then she turned her gaze back to me with a questioning look.
I stepped aside so she could see him better and made introductions. “Mary, this is my…friend, Zane.” I stumbled over what to say. It seemed wrong to just call him my friend when he meant so much more to me than that, but I also wasn’t sure if he even considered me a friend anymore. If the term upset him, he didn’t let it show.
“Zane, this is Mary,” I said.
“Hello. It’s nice to meet you,” Zane said politely, extending his hand out to her.
Mary wasn’t having any of that though. She glanced down at his hand and then brushed it aside as she grabbed him in a fierce hug. Zane gave me a shocked look over the top of her head and I smothered a laugh as he patted her shoulder awkwardly. Mary pulled back and grabbed his hands in her own, smiling up at him.
“There’s no need to be so formal, honey. All the boys that work here are my family and any friends of theirs automatically become family too,” she informed him sincerely.
“Ummm, thank you,” Zane murmured. I could tell that Mary’s speedy acceptance of him had taken him by surprise, especially her declaration that he was an honorary member of the family. He’d told me that other than me and Edith, he hadn’t felt like he was a part of anything since his brother died.
“Oh my God! Look who’s here. It’s the long-lost member of Hamilton’s Heroes,” a deep voice announced. I looked up and saw Brandon poking his head out his office doorway. I grinned at him, shaking my head as he walked down the hallway towards us.
“That is the most ridiculous name I’ve ever heard,” I said with a laugh.
“Well, you better get used to it. It’s plastered on every newspaper and magazine cover. My boys are famous now,” Mary announced proudly. The phone rang then, and she hurried to answer it.
“Seriously?” I groaned.
“Eh, you’ll get used to it,” Brandon said as he got closer. He grabbed me up in a bear hug, squeezing me tightly.
“Okay, can’t breathe,” I wheezed.
“I can’t help it. You’ve been gone too damn long and I missed you,” he whispered in my ear. I wrapped my arms around him and hugged him back.
“I missed you too,” I told him. With each of us constantly being sent out on jobs, I didn’t get to see him nearly as much as I’d like to. It would be good to catch up with each other.
We ended our hug and stepped back, still smiling at each other. That’s when I noticed the look on Zane’s face. His arms were crossed, his lips were pressed into a thin line and he was staring at Brandon like he wanted to rip his head off. I fought the urge to pump my fist in the air as I realized he was jealous. Instead, I quickly stepped away from Brandon and moved closer to Zane. Brandon arched an eyebrow at me and then narrowed his eyes at Zane.
“Zane, this is Brandon. Remember, I told you about my best friend?” I said, emphasizing the word friend. Zane took his eyes off of Brandon, long enough to look at me, and I saw him visibly relax. He nodded his head then turned back to Brandon, offering him his hand.
“Nice to meet you,” he said. The two of them shook hands and then Brandon’s eyes widened, and he turned to me.
“Zane? As in the Zane?” he asked, incredulously. Zane’s face flushed red and he stared down at his feet uncomfortably.
“Yeah. Speaking of which, is Micah in today?” I asked. I knew Zane was anxious to get the whole thing over with.
“Yeah, he’s back in his office, but you better knock first. Landon stopped by to have lunch with him,” Brandon said with a smirk.
I couldn’t help but laugh. Micah and Landon had been married for over a year, but they still couldn’t keep their hands off each other. They never did anything too inappropriate for the workplace, of course. Micah took his job seriously and always acted professionally. Still, his one weakness was his husband and we all loved to razz him about the extra-long lunch breaks he’d take whenever Landon stopped by.
“Thanks for the warning,” I said then I turned to Zane. “You ready?” He swallowed hard but nodded his head.
We walked down to the end of the hallway where Micah’s office was located. My hands clenched into fists at my side. I felt like I was leading Zane to his execution and my protective instincts roared to life, brimming just under the surface of my skin and my body coiled, preparing to defend what was mine. In this case, Zane. Whether he wanted my love or not, he’d earned it and I would make sure he got through whatever was about to happen as safely as possible.
I lifted my hand to knock on the door, but Zane’s hand shot out, grabbing onto my
wrist and stopping me. I turned around, giving him a questioning look. His face was pale and sweat dotted his forehead. His body was trembling, and he had a wild look to his eyes. He was starting to panic.
In an instant, I forgot all about the issues between us or the fact that he hadn’t wanted me near and I went to him. His back hit the wall and he slumped forward, trying to draw in a breath. I cupped his face and lifted his head, forcing him to look at me.
“Zane, I’m right here. Just breathe with me, baby,” I whispered.
His hands came up and clutched my wrists tightly as he watched my lips and followed along with my breathing. After a few seconds, his eyes lost their wildness and I could see his focus returning. When he was breathing normally again, he let go of my wrists and gave me a shaky smile.
“Sorry about that. I guess I’m a little more nervous than I thought,” he said sheepishly.
“Baby, you are the bravest person I know. You’re handling all of this remarkably well,” I assured him.
“Uh, did you just miss the panic attack I had a few seconds ago?” he scoffed. Then, seeming to realize where he was, his head jerked back down the hallway to see if anyone had seen.
“Nobody saw, and if they did, they’d understand. Most of us struggled with anxiety and panic attacks while we were serving in the military and right after we got out. A few of the guys still suffer from PTSD. No one would judge you around here. We all know what it’s like when you’re faced with a high stress situation, and that’s what this is for you, baby,” I explained.
Zane’s shoulders relaxed, and he gave me a grateful smile. “For what it’s worth, I’m glad you’re here with me,” he admitted quietly.
My heart soared. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be,” I told him.
Found_Hamilton's Heroes series_Book 1 Page 16
