by Lisa Rector
They’ve been searching, but it’s slow. Kelyn and his men only go out in the day because of the cold, and they move from village to village, but the snow’s deep. They aren’t making progress.
This is awful. We must look for him.
Niawen, he traveled north. He could have passed the northern mountains. Ask Caedryn for help. Ask him to send men out.
Yes. That’s a good idea.
He might have come here. You must seek him with your light.
Yes. I will. I felt so sick. I left my friends. Kenrik went looking for me. He might be dead because of me.
We’ll find him, Seren said.
I feel weak. I need to sit down. The courtyard tilted. I slid to my knees in the snow.
Niawen! Seren breathed against my shoulder. I reached my arms up and laid my head on her snout.
It’s just the pregnancy. I don’t have the strongest constitution.
What? This is how you chose to tell me you’re pregnant?
I’m sorry. I was going to tell you until you dove into Kenrik’s disappearance.
You should go inside and lie down.
I’m fine.
At least to the stable, out of the snow, where we can continue talking.
All right. The stable was only half a courtyard away.
I curled against Seren once we reached her designated stable. She wanted me to rest before I opened my mind’s eye, but as I draped my head over her forearm and closed my eyes, I began my search, unfolding the plane of dots. The first light I saw was in my womb. I rubbed my flat stomach, marveling at the grace my unborn child carried.
Seren, I’m so in love with him, or her. And he hasn’t even begun growing really.
I’m happy for you. The pregnancy is very sudden.
I know, but I’m fine. I’m ready to start my family.
It’s hard work. Although it’s easier for humans to carry their offspring than it is for dragons to fire their eggs.
I smiled. Seren’s first egg took eleven months to hatch. And that was with around-the-clock firing. She and Cephias took turns.
Caedryn wishes he had a dragon. He misses Neifion.
I imagine.
I didn’t want to ask Seren, but the pleading in Caedryn’s voice saddened me when he talked about Neifion. Seren, would you consider laying an egg, here, for Caedryn?
Seren lifted her head. Here? Without Cephias?
I know it’s a lot of work. Do you think Cephias would come?
I wouldn’t ask him to. You have no idea what you’re asking. You have no idea what’s going on in Gorlassar. If I laid in egg in the mortal realms, the emryn high council would be in an uproar.
I stood and stroked Seren’s face as I looked her in the eye. They don’t have to know.
I’d be gone for months! And I couldn’t fire an egg on my own with no sleep. That’s why we have mates.
I’m asking you to only think about it.
Then you would ask me to abandon a dragonling. When? After it’s a few weeks old? How could I leave my offspring here while I returned to Gorlassar?
He’d be loved. The dragonling would bond to Caedryn.
For what? To live a life without other dragons? Caedryn doesn’t need a dragon.
How can you say that? How can you after knowing how our bond feels?
He wants a dragon to start his own army!
He wants to protect his people should Rhianu ever rise up against him.
This is unreasonable. I’m not considering it.
Please, Seren. I beg of you.
No! Smoke puffed out of Seren’s nostrils. Caedryn put you up to this. You’d never ask such a thing of me. This request goes against your oath as a dragon guardian.
I’m trying to make a life. I want my husband to be happy. He asked out of desperation. Out of fear. I had to ask for him.
And where is he? Is he too cowardly to show his face?
He’s not a coward.
You shouldn’t have bonded with him, Seren said. It’s too soon. He asks too much of you. He played games with you until he convinced you that you needed him.
I do need him.
You have never needed anyone.
Do you not understand anything I’ve gone through? It was never in me to be at peace, was it? Caedryn was like me, with a darkness inside. He understands.
Seren rose and turned me out of her embrace as she backed from the stable. I’m not laying an egg. I’m returning to Gorlassar. I’ll search as I work my way back to Kelyn and tell him you’re looking. That’s it. If you spot Kenrik’s light, tell me.
Seren, please. Don’t go.
I have to look for him. You stay with Caedryn. You’re in too fragile a state.
I’m not fragile!
Seren stretched her wings. Goodbye, Niawen. Find Kenrik. You’re his only hope.
She paused and flexed her wings. Ask yourself why Kenrik would leave. Ask yourself what Caedryn would do if he knew Kenrik came for you, that he wanted to bring you back. What would Caedryn do?
What are you saying?
Ask Caedryn if he knows where Kenrik is. Who lured you here so he could have you for himself? Who’s desperate enough to conceal his true self? Who calls himself master of deception? Who’s the double agent?
Seren jumped into the sky.
That was in the past! I wailed.
Seren disappeared beyond the citadel’s wall.
“This is madness, Seren! How can you say this?” I screamed into the open air. Her accusations. Her insinuations. How dare she?
Niawen. Just ask. If you want me to fly you away—
NO! I ripped my dragon stone off and tossed it into the snow, cutting off Seren’s thoughts. I instantly felt cold, as if I was going into shock, as if I had cut my heart out.
She broke my heart. We were one. She was the friend who knew me inside and out. We breathed as one. We thought as one.
But I hid everything from her. I demolished the bridge linking our trust. I was selfish and uncaring for her and her feelings.
My dragon sister.
Without Seren I wasn’t even a dragon guardian. I had no ties to my home. No duty left. No honor.
“What have I done?” I crawled through the snow and pawed around until I found the stone. I slid it over my head. Seren?
No Answer.
“Seren!”
Chapter Thirty-seven
I paced in the infirmary. I couldn’t see Kenrik. I discerned for roughly an hour, scanning the countryside. Miles of Rolant. Miles of Talfryn. I found Kelyn easily, near the base of the mountains in his country. I even saw Sieffre and Sorfrona in the palace on the hill. Tiwlip sat beside Brenin’s light. I imagined her rubbing his back while he cried in his bed, clutching the cow I knew Kenrik had carved for him. Why did these lights spring readily into my mind and Kenrik’s didn’t?
No light.
It meant death.
He was dead.
No no no. If Kenrik were dead, I’d know it. As sure as I knew the sun would rise tomorrow and blood still flowed in my veins and heart.
Kenrik! I gripped the desk, searching. My chest was exploding as my heart slammed against my ribs.
Niawen. The word was a groan. His groan. Niawen. Faint.
I almost expected him to be lying on a bed.
He was not, of course.
Kenrik! A dizziness attacked me. A sucking feeling turned my sight inside out. I should have been able to discern his light. I was clouded—hazy, in a dream. An uncertain gulf. Did I imagine his voice? Kenrik?
This was impossible.
Unless he was calling out in anguish. Could that work? If Kenrik was in danger, in a situation where he needed help, and he cried out, would our friendship be enough for me to hear him? Did we bond in some way for me to hear his thoughts—his harrowing cries?
Was Deian guiding me? Helping me? Lending me his grace to do the impossible?
I still couldn’t see Kenrik!
Panic made me tremble. I shook so forcibly tha
t my physical eyes were blinded. My mind’s sight was black with worry.
Seren’s words cut me as I recalled them. Ask Caedryn. Ask him if he knows where Kenrik is.
Caedryn. Where had he gone? His yellowish-green light was missing.
I felt so alone. I need you. I need you. Please help me. I’m scared. Where are you when I need you?
He’d been gone all morning, and until this moment, I didn’t realize I couldn’t discern his light either.
Ask yourself what Caedryn would do if he knew Kenrik came for you, that he wanted to bring you back. What would Caedryn do?
Ask Caedryn if he knows where Kenrik is. Who lured you here so he could have you to himself? Who’s desperate enough to conceal his true self? Who calls himself master of deception? Who’s the double agent?
Caedryn hid his nightmares. One of my gifts is deception. I hide who I am.
No, I won’t think of him this way! He shares everything with me. Over the past few days he’s held nothing back, and I, nothing from him.
But he did hide his light. He chose when I saw it. He was in Rolant all along, blinking into existence only after he took down his concealment.
He’s not hiding anything from me.
He’s not.
He couldn’t.
Ask him.
***
Caedryn shut the door to the infirmary. He leaned his back against the door, and his head fell against it. His face was drawn.
“Caedryn, what’s the matter?” Relief flooded me. He was here. I was about to yell at him for being untraceable when I noticed his right hand. “You’re bleeding!” I rushed over to him and pulled him into my arms. “What happened? You were missing for hours. Something’s happened. I needed you.”
His face changed. Alarm swarmed his features. He touched my face and studied it. “Are you sick? Is the babe well?”
“No. Yes. We’re both well.” I pulled his injured hand into mine. His knuckles were broken open. “Tell me what you did.”
He looked sheepish. “Would you believe I had another episode?”
“Is that why I couldn’t see you? You were hiding from me?”
“Yes.”
“I was scared. I need to talk to you. I need your help.”
“Oh, my love, I feel terrible. I’m here now. I just didn’t want you to know. We caught a spy. That’s why I was summoned a few weeks back. Rapion. I knew him. I’ve been questioning him. He finally told me Rhianu has plans, that she’s coming for me. I lost it.”
“You’ve been hiding this from me?”
“You didn’t need to deal with him.”
Caedryn’s gray tunic opened to show his linen shirt underneath. Blood speckled it. I pulled the opening farther and touched a drop. “Is all of this your blood?”
I scrutinized his face. Oh. I saw where he wiped it but had done a poor job. His hairline held traces of blood. “You hit him.”
“No, I didn’t. But I broke a few chairs. This”—he indicated his knuckles—“happened when I punched the wall.”
Caedryn slipped his hands into my hair and leaned his forehead to mine. “Niawen.” His voice carried so much pain. So much fear.
“You tortured him, didn’t you? I know you’re lying.”
“I love that you can see the truth in me. I’m sorry. I’m just trying to protect you.” He kissed my cheek, near my mouth.
“Don’t lie.” My hands threaded through his hair, and I pulled his head back as Caedryn tried to kiss me again.
“All right.” Desperation slipped into his voice. He wanted to distract himself from the worry. From the fear. He wanted to hide in his violent passion. As he pushed his hips against mine, I felt his ache. He inched me back until my bottom touched the desk. “I don’t want to lose you. My fear took over. Any threat to me is a threat to you and our child.”
“Is he alive?”
“Yes.” He kissed me on the mouth. He was hungry. His soul cried out for me to return his touch.
I gasped back a fraction. “Take me to him. I can heal him.”
“It’s taken care of. Someone is seeing to him.” He edged my jaw with kisses, and although my head angled back to allow him, I remained rigid with concern.
He wouldn’t shove what he’d done under some carpet and use euphoria to make things better. “What you did was wrong.”
“Niawen, please.” His tone said, “Not now. Stay with me.” I wouldn’t have access to the prisoner, to heal him or otherwise, even if I begged.
“Caedryn,” I struggled to keep a level head as his mouth descended on my neck.
“He’s been drugged. He’s resting,” he murmured as he hoisted me up, wrapped my legs around his waist, and carried me across the room to a bed.
I held on to his shoulders as he laid me down. I had no more willpower.
Dangerous.
Cruel.
He’s my husband.
A tear leaked from the corner of my eye.
“Is this safe for the babe,” Caedryn whispered as he leaned over me. He kissed the tear away.
“Yes.” I swallowed my concerns. We would work on his rage, on his fear. We had time. I could still help him.
He can have this one moment to forget.
Caedryn felt my concession. And as I caressed his cheek, I heard the door’s latch drop, locking us inside. I heard the curtain draw around us.
We were cocooned from the world. Alone.
***
Only after I was blissfully seduced did I realize an aura of dark magic filled the room. Caedryn had used the power to lock the door and move the drapes while he kissed me in his arms. How often did he use this?
I stroked his hair as his head lay on my chest. He was sleeping. His pulse, calmed. His fear, subdued. My love reassured him.
His fear over losing me bordered on possession. I knew this. I also knew he wouldn’t hurt me.
But Rapion had inadvertently threatened me, and he paid a price.
I slid away from Caedryn, settling him onto the bed, and pulled my dress on. I glanced around the room, wondering what I should do. What was this dark power? How did its trace still linger? I wished I had thought to talk to Caedryn about his darkness. I remembered something else that carried the same foreboding. It spoke of dark energy.
Feeling unease, I crept over to the desk and slid the drawer open.
I stared at the tome. The gold leaf was in straight lines, slanted lines, and dots. A few circles. I traced my fingers over the symbols and shuddered.
As I lifted the cover and flipped the pages, a heaviness fell over me. Each page I turned spelled out greater distress. I wasn’t sure what I was hunting for.
I came across the word dark energy. I skimmed the paragraph. Channel your dark energy. Feel the pressure build. Call to it. Chant the words to the spell. Allow the words to fill you as the power does. At the height of the pressure, at the apex of your emotion, release it!
The text expounded more, talking about the dark energy and about how to harness its full potential. Caedryn hadn’t chanted, but maybe he didn’t need to. The text’s words made chanting sound as if it was solely to focus the power.
I didn’t chant with my light even though light required focus. Did darkness work in the same way? After practice, could it be harnessed without the words? What else did Caedryn use his darkness for? Maybe the book was his.
He was always warning me. Always trying to scare me away. I had a distinct feeling, once again, that he intentionally left the book as a way to ward me off. I had paid no attention to the volume and had forgotten about it until the strange aura had unsettled me.
Why couldn’t that man be honest about everything from the beginning? He was exasperating.
I flipped past the how-to chapter to the spells. Lightning, Thunder, Tempest. I passed the weather spells. Next came Levitating and Kinetics. Kinetics explained how Caedryn moved a latch and slid drapes. When I arrived at concealment spells, I stopped. Cloaking glared at me from the page’s top.
Cloaking is spiritual concealment. While an object is physically present, it cannot be spiritually detected. With Concealment, though the object is obscured from sight, the spiritual presence might still be felt. Both require a great degree of practice. To cast both spells at once is a sizable challenge, but not impossible.
Our conversation from weeks earlier in his study came back. How have you kept yourself from crying out before? I asked.
Cloaking. Niawen, you must understand. I use my darkness.
He hid his nightmares. He hid his light. What else did he hide?
He tried to warn me.
Chapter Thirty-eight
Niawen. Niawen.
My eyes shot open. I lay flat on my back, in our bed. Despite our afternoon nap, Caedryn seemed listless, so we retired early after supper. He settled next to me, with his head on my shoulder and his arm across my stomach. His steady breathing told me he was in deep slumber. He always slept blissfully when I was with him.
I wished I could have said the same for myself.
Niawen.
I swear the voice was Kenrik’s. He was calling for me.
NIAWEN.
The emotion in his voice made me realize something. We had a bond. That was why I heard him cry out. An emotional connection was forged the day I left. As he cried for me from the courtyard on his knees, howling my name, he etched those wretched feelings into my very being.
Oh. Curse the way emrys bonded. Curse all of them!
I had no idea bonds could form without consent, without awareness. None.
Master of Light. By the stars in the heaven. This can’t be.
Niawen!
I’m coming, Kenrik. I’m coming. I tried not to sob, but his emotions were crushing. He was overwhelming my senses. Something was terribly wrong with him.
I slid from under Caedryn’s arm. I tiptoed to the door. With one glance back to make sure Caedryn was sound asleep, I left the room.
I can’t see you. Where are you? Your light is veiled. I felt panicked. Kenrik was hidden from me, and he needed me. He was in pain—as if he were dying.
I could hear his voice calling only my name. He didn’t answer my pleas more specifically.
Think. Think. I proceeded to the first floor, outside the main hall. He’s invisible, as if he’s cloaked. Oh. I stumbled against the wall, using it for support as my legs gave out.
