“The harm is you used me. You didn’t have that right when we were in love. You certainly didn’t have it once you broke up with me. But if that wasn’t bad enough, your wedding was on the third Tuesday of September—one year to the day after my parents died. Not the same date, but the same week and day of the week.”
Van’s brows knit. “I married on …” He grabbed his forehead, looking mortified. “I didn’t realize that. I should have, but I was so confused when they died. I barely knew my own name, let alone the week or day. I made sure I didn’t choose a wedding date in the same month as ours was supposed to be, and then it got so complicated about when certain relatives could come, and …” He closed his eyes.
Had he really been ignorant of the day? She didn’t believe him. He’d done too many other thoughtless, mean things. “You had a place to live and a better job in Ohio, so why choose to stay in Winter Valley? And the most absurd of all absurdity, you chose to live in my district. So which is it, Van? Are you that clueless or that mean?”
He stared at her, opening his mouth numerous times before words finally tumbled out. “I … I stayed in Winter Valley because I wanted to be here if you needed anything. I knew you wouldn’t let me help overtly, but I thought if I could stay close enough, I would hear of the needs and could help behind the scenes.”
“You stayed to help me? Are you serious? Not only did I have to continue sitting with the unmarried youth after the time I should’ve been married, but I had to do so in front of your wife. And not many months later I watched as her belly grew with your child. You want me to believe you put me in that position for my benefit? You and Donna may believe whatever you wish, but the very idea that either of you thought of me is the most ridiculous thing I’ve heard. If you’d wanted to make any of that easier for me, the least you could have done was move into a home that put you in a different church district.”
“You seemed fine, so I … I assumed—”
“You assumed wrong! We have church meetings in each other’s homes. When we women serve the men meals, there you are, time after time.”
“Why didn’t you say something?”
“Why, so I could give the church leaders cause to doubt I had the maturity to be the head of my home? Or so Donna would feel complete in having won? If you’d cared, you would’ve thought about something besides what you wanted.”
“I did, although I can see that it doesn’t look like it. I took the job of being a traveling blacksmith because it pays the best. Surely you know I have the reputation that I don’t dicker on prices. I insist on top money, so I have some to give—” He stopped short.
Did he add to the money her uncle gave her? Is that how her uncle had grocery money for her during those first five years when everyone lived at home and feeding them cost more than she could make?
“Jolene, I …” He wiped his brow, looking lost and confused. “I should’ve talked to you and asked what you would have me do. I thought I knew best, and I did use your coming to the wedding to smooth ruffled feathers against me. Maybe guilt is why I gave to your uncle Calvin too. I … I don’t actually know my motivation now.” He picked up a file from the ground. “Tell me what to do to make it right. What do you want?”
She held out the money. “I want you to take this.”
He took it, turning it over as he peered down at the white envelope. “Is that all you want?”
She searched her heart concerning Van. They’d been young and trapped by grief, making mistakes left and right. If she hadn’t been so stubborn in her pride never to approach him with any kind of need again or so fearful of the possible backlash from the church leaders, she would’ve confronted Van about the wedding invitation and not gone, and she would’ve voiced her displeasure at his plan to live in the same church district.
They’d both been wrong—him in selfish actions, and her in prideful and fearful inactions. She forgave him, and she knew he wouldn’t interfere in her life again without asking her permission first. “It is.”
She didn’t have an answer concerning Ray and his job, but her final words, “it is,” seemed to lift untold weight from her, and she felt more free than she could have imagined.
Andy stood there in silent support. His thoughtful demeanor was wrapped in a kind of calm, and it called to her. He called to her. Didn’t he have feelings for her too? His blue eyes didn’t reveal his thoughts, and she longed for them to go for a long walk and talk.
“It’s not all I want.” She studied Andy. Should she be embarrassed at all he now knew? She wasn’t. He could know anything about her life. “I want to get a phone again, and I want to wade in the creek until panicked thoughts float downstream with the water.”
Andy’s smile warmed her as he nodded. “As good as done.”
She stepped toward him, not intending for Van to hear the next part but not caring if he did. “And most of all I want you to ask me out.”
What?
Andy couldn’t feel his legs. If he budged, he was sure they’d buckle. His mouth went dry as he tried to force words out. God, don’t make me have to tell her. “Jo.” He barely heard the whisper above the pounding of his heart. Had he called her name, or had Van?
Andy glanced at Van. His shoulders slumped, and he seemed as dismayed and hurt for Jolene as Andy was. The man grimaced, a friendly regret of sorts, before he turned off the gas to the forge and walked away, leaving them alone.
Jolene stood there, a beauty of wide-eyed innocence. She wanted them to go out? It was an honor to know she thought so highly of him.
Confusion crept into her eyes. “Was that too bold?”
The world spun, and Andy took several deep breaths. He walked the horse to a post and tethered him. “Jolene.” He moved closer. Did she have to find out this way? “I … I thought you knew. You said …” She’d said that she understood about his marital situation, that she’d asked Lester and he’d explained it. “Jo …” There was no easy way to say what had to be said, and he’d never hated the facts of his circumstances more than right now. “I’m married.”
Disbelief covered her face. “What?” Her eyes bore into him. “Lester said you’re a widower.”
His heart broke for her. For them.
“I’m a grass widower.”
“A what?”
“A grass widower. It means my wife left me.”
She seemed rooted in place as she shook her head.
He wished he could at least take her hand into his as he explained the situation. “She’s been gone since Tobias was three years old.”
Jolene finally took a breath, and then she fled into the misty rain.
He went after her. “Jolene, wait.”
But she kept going, hurrying along the fence line and away from the house and barns. Where was she going?
He chased after her. “I’m sorry. If I’d thought for one minute that you were confused about my marriage, I would’ve told you.”
She slowed, and he caught up to her. The rain had drizzled on them until they were drenched. “Married?” She didn’t try to hide her disappointment, and he knew he was looking at a woman he could build a rock-solid, happy life with … if he wasn’t married.
“It was a mistake to marry her. I knew Eva struggled to cope with life, but I believed I could help her. I wanted to rescue her, but all I did by marrying her was give her the ability to drag both of us under.”
“But you feel it too—the connection that runs between us?”
He hadn’t trusted his gut concerning Jolene. He had believed every feeling that crossed the line of appropriateness was his to contend with—not theirs. Glen had said she wouldn’t allow herself to be around a married man she was attracted to, and Andy had thought she knew he was married. In hindsight, he realized they both felt a growing bond between them. “Yes.”
“It’s not because we’re lonely. I’ve thought about it, and I know that’s not the reason.”
“I agree.” He wanted to wipe droplets of rain from her
face and feel the warmth of her skin.
“I wish I didn’t know about her.” Tears filled her eyes. “Now …”
He knew the rest. Now they had to put distance between them. He could already feel her slipping away from him and closing the doors behind her. What could he say? Eva rarely felt real to him anymore, but whether he ever saw his wife again or not, he was a married man.
What had he done so wrong that he was required to pay with a lifetime of being chained to an empty marriage?
In a blur of movement, Jolene wrapped her arms around him, resting her head on his chest. He could feel her hands tighten into fists, clutching the back of his shirt. He held her, tears stinging his eyes because he knew this was good-bye. No amount of arguing or clearing the air could change their situation.
18
Shivering, Jolene drove past her home and toward the bridge where her parents’ rig had been washed into the swollen waters. Rain spattered against her windshield as the horse’s hoofs beat a steady rhythm against the pavement. She rarely came this way, and when she did need to cross this bridge, she never slowed or looked. Instead, she cringed and kept her eyes straight ahead, rushing the horse and carriage across the bridge as if she could outrun the memory—or the aftermath—of the loss.
But this time she pulled onto the shoulder of the road and got out.
Trace widower. Was that a real term or only something her Mamm said? Mamm named most things, even if she had to come up with the word herself. Why hadn’t that dawned on Jolene before now?
Wrapping her arms around herself, she crossed the road. What was she doing? She was soaked and cold and upset. But she couldn’t make herself turn around and go home.
Green grass and shrubs led to the river, and she eased toward the bank, stopping several feet back. Thunder rumbled in the distance as gray clouds ambled across the vast sky. Muddy water swirled and tumbled as it went by. Some of it pooled in little recesses before breaking free to race downriver.
The muscles along her ribs shook like a dog caught outside in midwinter. It hurt for her insides to quake like this.
Some winters this river froze solid, and brave folks ice-skated on it. During droughts it became little more than a babbling brook, and treasure hunters would walk along the dry bed searching for Indian artifacts or more modern items the river had stolen. Even when there was barely a trickle of water, the river still sustained all sorts of wild creatures and somewhere along its journey maybe cattle too. When hard rains came, it flooded its banks, sweeping away anything in its path. From season to season it could change drastically. It could steal, give, play, or fight—all the while never pausing to observe the havoc or joy it caused.
Was much of life like this river, a slave to its environment? Was life sweeping her along as the river had swept away her parents?
Longing to understand churned inside her. Of all the men she’d come in contact with—men offering marriage proposals, singles looking for wives—why did Andy have to be the only one since Van who’d actually mattered?
Something possessed her to move in closer, perhaps the need to feel anew what it meant to lose a part of one’s self. If she grew any closer to Andy, she would indeed lose a part of herself. But what would she lose if she stayed away?
As she skirted shrubs and brambles, her dress caught on briars. Pulling free, she ripped the cloth. She wanted to move close enough to the bank that the toes of her shoes would be just shy of the edge, but she couldn’t make herself get within a yard of where the bluff was cut as if a child had taken a spoon to the rim of a three-layer cake.
Jolene’s breathing came in short spurts, and her legs shook like a newborn foal.
Andy’s words ran through her mind. It was a mistake to marry her.
How many times would she be left with the ramshackle pieces of simple miscalculations? Her parents had misjudged the weather, leaving her to raise her siblings. Andy had misjudged Eva, and now he was imprisoned. She’d misjudged Van’s motives and spent years wrangling with anger. She lifted her face toward heaven, feeling the pinpricks of the cold rain. “Since I was a teen, I’ve tried to do what I thought was right. Look in my heart, and if I’ve failed to try, if my soul deceives me, tell me.”
But she heard nothing save the imagined screams of her mother before she drowned. Or was Jolene hearing her own screams as she sensed she was drowning? Her prayer brought no warmth of encouragement this time, only the ache of hopes dashed. “He’s married?” That same question kept rising within her even as the answer pounded loudly. Andy was bound by God’s law.
Was that really what God meant when he said he hated divorce? Was it a decree to bind a man and woman together no matter what one of them did? Didn’t God have compassion on Adam and say it wasn’t good for him to be alone? Wasn’t Andy alone?
Was all of life as fluid and changeable as the river—parents died, fiancés married someone else, children went from normal to challenged, finances became difficult, bodies changed from fertile to infertile in the blink of an eye—but God remained unyielding?
Didn’t men of old have many wives and concubines? It proved to be unwise, hardening their hearts in their quest to walk with God, but did that mean all of mankind could have only one spouse until death, no exceptions? She lifted her eyes to heaven again. “Where is Your mercy or grace in that, Father?” Jolene’s insides only shook harder as she questioned the very things about God and marriage that she’d once believed with all her heart.
“Jolene!” Naomi ran toward her, holding a blanket over her head. Without pausing, she pushed past the briars, grabbed Jolene’s hand, and pulled her farther from the river. Did Naomi struggle with a fear of this river too? “What are you doing?” Naomi wrapped the blanket around Jolene’s shoulders and engulfed her in a hug. “We had gone into the next valley for a bit and were on our way to your house when we saw your rig by the bridge.” She held her tightly. “When we saw it was empty and couldn’t spot you …” Naomi backed up enough to see her face. “You frightened us!” She turned toward the road. “Willis! Michael! Anna! Over here!”
Obviously we included their brother Michael, his wife, and Naomi’s husband.
Naomi squeezed her shoulders. “After you came by asking about money, we were a bit worried. Now you’re walking along the riverbank. This isn’t at all like you. What’s going on?”
Jolene shrugged and turned to face the water. All of her pain and questions seemed to swirl and churn inside her like the river, threatening to sweep away a part of her. She longed to break down the walls that kept her from sharing her heart not only about Andy but also about her love of artwork and paintings—from the great artists to her own amateur work. Wasn’t opening up and being real what love was all about? Didn’t people search for someone who would include and accept them no matter what?
But she couldn’t make herself share her disappointment about Andy, let alone anything else. As she stood in the rain staring at the river, Jolene realized how little of herself she shared with loved ones. She’d closed up when the need to be a pillar of strength became nonstop. After Van left, she no longer had anyone she could open up to. Her siblings knew of her love and faithfulness to them and to God, but she had to keep parts of herself locked away like her artwork.
Sharing some of her real self with Andy had come as naturally as wanting to paint. Before today she’d stood on the threshold of opening all of her heart to him. But now … “It’s been a Jonah day, that’s all.”
Naomi’s eyes sparked with humor. “You’re certainly wet enough to have been thrown overboard or swallowed by a whale.” She embraced her again.
Naomi’s husband and Michael hurried to them. Anna moved across the wet grass much more cautiously.
“Jolene’s fine,” Naomi assured them. “She needed time to reflect.”
Willis skidded on the wet grass as he came to a stop. Of the numerous men interested in Naomi when she was single, he had not been the most handsome or the one with the best-paying job. No
netheless, he alone had stolen her sister’s heart. Willis steadied himself. “Is this connected to why you needed money?”
The man was generous to a fault. When Jolene said she needed money without explaining why, he offered to sell his home, saying they could live in someone’s carriage house or move in with her. Maybe tucking away the forbidden parts of who she was helped anchor her siblings’ faith in the truly important aspects of life—God and family.
Despite feeling muddled and scattered, Jolene found a few words. “No. That has to do with Ray, and we’ll discuss it later.”
Naomi put her arm around Jolene’s shoulders. “Josiah and Ruth are on their way to your house too. We wanted to celebrate your much-needed day off with a fun gathering, and we have some good news. We’re all bringing food and games and …”
The whole family getting together on the spur of the moment wasn’t unusual, and her siblings liked surprising her with a fun piece of news—a ten-cent-an-hour pay raise, a new-to-them horse or carriage, a better hand-cranked ice-cream maker purchased at a yard sale. It didn’t take much for them to celebrate with food and games. As a sister-parent, she knew their minds and hearts, but who knew hers? Van had. But that had been long ago.
“Oh,”—Naomi ducked her head, making eye contact—“and Josiah invited Glen. He believes Glen is your best chance of marriage.”
Why were her siblings suddenly matchmaking? And how did Josiah know that if she wanted to marry, Glen was the man to consider?
“You don’t like the idea of Glen coming, do you?” Naomi asked.
She shrugged. “It’s fine. Seems a little odd that you guys invited him without asking me. This is a first.”
“You’ve been gone a lot, and it’s been on Josiah’s mind. Now that two more of us married this past year, we’re ready to push you a little to start considering possible beaus.”
Their good intentions were undeniable, and she stood a little straighter. “The best part of tonight is that all of you will be there.” Being surrounded by her family brought a special encouragement, one that renewed her hope. But it wouldn’t wash away the ache of loneliness this time. Today had thrown the truth in her face—she was locked in an attic.
A Love Undone Page 15
