The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger

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The Half-Assed Wizard: The Complete Series: Books 1-4: The Half-Assed Wizard, The Big-Ass Witch, The Dumbass Demon, The Lame-Assed Doppelganger Page 12

by Gary Jonas


  “Have you tried talking to him about what’s going on?”

  “Just finish your report.”

  “He’s not as stupid as you think. He picked up on the Sinclair surname. He didn’t try to see me in the hospital, but he did call later. He wasn’t happy about the deception.”

  “I don’t care if he’s happy.”

  “Maybe that’s part of the problem,” Olivia said.

  “Don’t presume that you can speak to me that way.”

  “That’s a two-way street, Mr. Masters.”

  She was brave. He’s killed people for lesser offenses.

  “I don’t need parenting advice from a failed writer.”

  “It’s too late for parenting advice, Mr. Masters. You, sir, are a lost cause. You want more information, I’ll email you a report. Good day, sir.”

  The door opened and closed.

  Wow.

  “Bitch,” my father said. “She’s lucky I don’t give her a miscarriage.”

  “Don’t you dare,” Sabrina said.

  “Aren’t you a feisty one,” my father said.

  “She and her husband have been trying to conceive for three years.”

  “And if not for my magic, they’d still be trying and failing. She has no right to be rude to me. I am the greatest living wizard, and I will have my respect.”

  That was enough. I rolled out of bed, and trotted down the stairs.

  “Look what crawled out of the sewer,” my father said. “You need a haircut.”

  “And you need some manners,” I said. I stopped in front of the rug and glanced at the light switch.

  My father laughed. “Go ahead, son, sic your carpet on me. I can draw the magic out of it before the first fiber touches me.”

  I didn’t flip the switch. Instead, I walked up to my father and punched him in the nose.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  My father froze for an instant, and I reared back to punch him again, but he recovered and made a simple hand gesture.

  I flipped up and slammed into the ceiling. He pointed at me and I rose into the plaster and wood. The support beams softened enough for me to pass into them, then solidified inside me.

  It hurt so bad I couldn’t even scream.

  Sabrina motioned toward me and a haze of golden light flowed through me, stopping the agony.

  “He should suffer some pain,” my father said. “He’s lived on Easy Street his entire life.”

  “No one should suffer that kind of pain.”

  “Go ahead, Dad,” I said. “Inflict more pain on me. Show me what a great man you are.”

  The physical pain was nothing compared to the psychological pain I’d endured my whole life. Nothing I did was good enough. I was never allowed to try and fail at something the way other kids in the family did. They were given a chance to learn, but I was supposed to be perfect the first time out. No mistakes allowed. No learning curve.

  I had two choices. I could be perfect, which was never going to happen. Or I could stop trying.

  That was something I could master.

  My father gazed up at me with utter contempt. “You are my greatest disappointment.”

  With that, he turned and walked to the door.

  “You don’t mean that,” Sabrina said.

  As his hand closed over the doorknob, he turned to look at her. “Sabrina, the house and everything in it is yours to use.” He looked over at me. “Brett, you have until tonight to get your belongings out of my house. You are cut off, and no longer part of this family.”

  And he walked out of my life.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

  It’s hard to breathe when a wooden beam is solidified inside your lungs. It wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be, but it also wasn’t pleasant. And staring down at the floor while being lodged in the ceiling made my head spin.

  “Give me a minute,” Sabrina said. “I need to time the magic right so I can change the vibration of the support beams and—”

  “Six words or less,” I said.

  “Fewer.”

  “Whatever.”

  “Okay, I’m going to try to free your legs first. If there’s too much pressure on your chest, let me know. I want you to have some control over your drop because I’m not good enough to lower you slowly.”

  “No worries,” I said.

  She extended her hands and as they glowed, the ceiling around me softened. I fell face-first toward the floor.

  I hit hard, and while Mangani was soft, it was also thin. I managed to protect my face, but the impact drove the air from my lungs. I didn’t want to move because everything hurt.

  Sabrina rushed to me. “Sorry,” she said.

  I managed a nod.

  Before too long, I struggled against the pain to push myself up. I stood, then collapsed onto the sofa. I rubbed my chest and arms. My legs felt like they were made of rubber.

  “Are you all right?” she asked.

  “Not yet,” I said.

  As I massaged my legs, Sabrina went to the kitchen and got me a glass of water. She set it on the end table beside me.

  “You should drink something. It will help align your system after the magical shock.”

  “I’d rather have whiskey.”

  She shook her head. “You need water. Drink up.”

  I obeyed her because I knew she was right. My system needed to know it was back to normal and water helped to flush any residual magic. I might not have paid much attention in class, but I’d suffered invasive magical attacks before.

  “Great,” I said. “Now I need to piss.”

  She put out a hand to help me up.

  “I think I can do it,” I said and got to my feet. I started to fall backward, but she caught me.

  “Maybe I should help you get to the bathroom.”

  She put an arm around me and we moved through the kitchen to the family room and the downstairs bathroom.

  “Can you handle it from here?” she asked.

  “I think I can manage.”

  “Good.” She exited the room and closed the door.

  I took care of business then stared at myself in the mirror as I washed my hands. My hair was a mess. I had dark circles under my eyes, but a nap would take care of that.

  When I exited the restroom, Sabrina leaned against the sink in the kitchen. I leaned against the counter across from her and yawned.

  “So you were sent to fuck with me,” I said.

  “I was sent to test you. It wasn’t just me.”

  “Your dad, that big-ass witch, Olivia, Gentry, the goons, the shark guys, everyone.”

  “You mentioned the Mako Clansmen before, but I figured you were pulling my chain. Trying to look good.”

  “So you and my old man didn’t set up an army of shark guys at the hotel eight blocks away?”

  She looked confused. “What are you talking about?”

  “Tons of Mako Clansmen came out of the Gulf last night and they’re shacked up at a hotel off Seawall.”

  “You’re making this up, right?”

  I shook my head.

  “Why would a bunch of Mako Clansmen gather at a hotel?”

  “Maybe they’re having a convention.”

  “Funny.”

  “Or maybe Delgado summoned them.”

  “He’s near Barcelona.”

  “Not as of a few days ago.”

  “We have people keeping tabs on him.”

  “Fine,” I said. “Don’t believe me.”

  “It’s not that I don’t believe you, Brett. It’s just that he hasn’t moved from his villa in Sitges in months.”

  “Old guy, about yay high,” I held my hand up to show his height. “Way too much black hair color.”

  She shook her head. “Mr. Delgado is short, has a full beard, and loves to play with daggers. He’s a dangerous man, but he can’t summon an army of Clansmen.”

  “So who did I meet?”

  “I have no idea. How are you feeling now?”

  �
�Better.”

  “I hate to do this, but…”

  “I know. I need to make other living arrangements.”

  “When he goes back to New Orleans, you can move back in. Just don’t tell him.”

  “It’s all good,” I said. “The house is yours now. Maybe I’ll head out to L.A.” I started to leave the kitchen, but stopped and turned around. “Out of curiosity, where are the cards?”

  “You’re tuned to them,” she said. “You shouldn’t have any trouble finding them. That was one of the most important parts of the test.”

  “My father knew I’d open them.”

  She nodded. “You were supposed to open them. The spell was aimed at you to compel you to handle them. You’re the only member of the extended family over the age of twenty-one who hasn’t pursued magic. It makes your father look bad.”

  “He looks bad all on his own. I don’t want to do magic.”

  “Seems to me the only things you want to do are party and sleep.”

  “What’s wrong with that?”

  “You have to make your own way in the world, Brett.”

  “My parents are rich as fuck. They can give me money. They won’t miss it.”

  “No one else in your family has that attitude.”

  “They want to suck up to dear old dad.”

  She shook her head. “You were third.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Not that bullshit again.”

  In the magical community, the third born child is special. They make a big deal out of the number three. Religions do it, too, of course. The holy trinity and all that. Third time’s the charm. Wiccans with the thought that everything comes back to them three times. Third time lucky. Three is the first real number, and the first to be able to form a geometric shape. I didn’t care about triangles. Or numerology. Or any of that crap.

  “It’s important,” Sabrina said. “Your father sent three of us to test you and help you.”

  “Give me a break.”

  “He felt the cards would make a difference. Do you know what the third card is?”

  “I don’t give a shit.”

  “The Empress.”

  “So now you’re saying I’m a chick?”

  “No, dumbass. Think about the meaning of the card.”

  “I didn’t pay attention in Tarot class.”

  She sighed. “The Empress is a card of creation and growth. In the deck you received, it was reversed because you’ve been dependent on your father your entire life. He wants you to take action and grow. You have more potential than any of us, and you don’t even try. Flip that card right-side up.”

  “There were too many words there for me to follow.”

  “Close your eyes, Brett.”

  “Fuck you,” I said and walked away. “I’ll get some stuff and go get a room somewhere. Not on Seawall, though. I don’t want to be near those stupid shark guys.”

  “If you saw someone, it wasn’t Delgado,” she said, following me down the hall.

  I reached the stairs and turned to glare at her. “You don’t believe me.”

  “If you’d seen Delgado or any Mako Clansmen, they’d have killed you.”

  “Delgado said I was more powerful than he realized, and tried to offer to buy the cards for ten million dollars. No, wait, fifty million.”

  “You just made that up.”

  “See? You don’t buy into that third child bullshit either.”

  “Potential isn’t the same as actual power, Brett. You have to work it. You have to develop it. You didn’t even sense the damn cards.”

  “I don’t care about them.”

  “Close your eyes.”

  “No.”

  “Close them. Try and sense the cards.”

  “Sense this,” I said and flipped her the bird.

  “Real mature.”

  I went up to my room. Well, my ex-room. I grabbed a gym bag from the closet, tossed some clothes into it, grabbed my toothbrush, toothpaste, and such, and jammed it all into the bag, too.

  That would be fine for now. I could come back and get the rest of my stuff later.

  I looked around the room. I’d only lived there a few months, so it didn’t really feel like home to me.

  On a whim, I closed my eyes.

  Did I sense anything?

  Nope.

  Fuck magic.

  Wait.

  No, that was just an itch.

  I opened my eyes and reached for my bag.

  But I stopped.

  I dropped to all fours and looked under the bed.

  A guitar magazine, and a pair of dirty socks. Except the bed frame had a wooden box attached to it like a magnet. Magic, of course, because when I pulled it off, it came easily and didn’t have bubble gum or anything else to hold it in place.

  I opened the box revealing the Tarot deck. Deep breath. I dumped the cards into my hand, flipped through them until I found The Empress. Sure enough, it was reversed. I flipped it around and stuck it back into the deck.

  “What does the future hold?” I whispered.

  I cut the deck and flipped over the top card.

  The Tower.

  Not good. The Tower meant disaster.

  I stuck the card back into the deck and shuffled.

  “What does the future hold?” I whispered again.

  Cut. Flip.

  The Tower.

  The odds were one in seventy-eight, of course. The odds would remain that no matter how many times I repeated the draw.

  Shuffle.

  Question.

  Cut.

  Flip.

  Tower.

  Shit.

  I put the cards back into the box and packed them away in the gym bag.

  Sabrina waited by the door.

  “Catch you on the flip side,” I said and left the house.

  She followed me outside, and tried to talk to me, but I ignored her. My car had been totaled, so I walked. And since those Mako Clansmen were at a hotel on Seawall, I went the opposite direction and walked toward Harborside. There were hotels there because so many cruise lines left from the bay.

  I needed to find a reasonably cheap place to stay.

  Then I could look forward to disaster.

  Somehow, I knew that meant those goddamn shark men were going to be coming after me.

  Maybe I should have left the cards behind.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  “I’m sorry, sir,” the hotel clerk said. “Your card was declined.”

  “That’s impossible,” I said. “Can you please run it again?”

  “I ran it twice.”

  “Third time’s the charm.”

  It wasn’t.

  “Try this one,” I said and gave her another card.

  Declined.

  My father had already canceled my cards. What a sweet man.

  The clerk handed my card back to me, and I stuck it into my billfold. I had my debit card, but I didn’t have much money in my account and I suspected I’d need it later.

  “I’ll be back,” I said.

  The clerk thanked me.

  Could I stay with Teddy or Chuck?

  It was only one in the afternoon.

  Chuck would be a better roommate, so I called him first.

  “Sorry, dude, my wife’s sister is visiting this week.”

  Teddy was better than staying under a bridge.

  He didn’t answer because he was at work. Would I have to get a job? I didn’t have any skills. Who in their right mind would hire me? We barely made any money playing gigs. I’d never had a real job before. I didn’t want to have a real job. Someone would tell me when and where to be someplace. They’d tell me what to do, and I’d have to do it or I wouldn’t get paid.

  That totally sucked.

  How did people deal with having jobs?

  “Screw it,” I said and went back to the clerk. “Go with this one,” I said and handed her my debit card.

  “Very good, sir,” she said, resigned. A moment later, she b
rightened. “This one cleared.”

  “You don’t have to act so surprised,” I said.

  “I wasn’t surprised, sir,” she lied. “I was being enthusiastic.”

  Ten minutes later, I was in my room on the third floor. It was a small room with a queen-size bed hogging most of the space. I tossed my bag on the bed then pulled out my phone and hopped online. I did a search for jobs in Galveston.

  There was a site called Indeed.

  Did I need a job?

  Indeed I did, so I clicked in.

  After narrowing my search to Galveston, I saw there were more than six hundred jobs available. There had to be something for me. At the top was an option to upload a resume so employers could find me. No resume meant they’d find me unworthy.

  But people get a first job all the time. Right?

  The first job listed was a server/host for a restaurant. They were looking for bright, energetic, outgoing, enthusiastic people. Someone like the desk clerk. I could hum a few bars and fake it every bit as good as she did. Must be available on holidays and weekends. Screw you. Requires at least one year of restaurant experience. Well, hell, I’d been eating at restaurants all my life.

  Somehow I didn’t think that’s what they meant.

  On the left, I saw “Salary Estimate.”

  Might as well shoot for the top. I clicked on $40,000+.

  Assistant Director at a medical center paid okay, but didn’t interest me. An Elite Sales Manager paid $150,000 to $230,000 per year. Why would anyone accept $150,000 when they were willing to offer $230,000? Long list of duties I didn’t bother to read and required four years of experience. So much for that idea.

  I kept checking positions and discovered that anything that paid enough to live on required experience, and in many cases, a college degree.

  I couldn’t accept less than $70,000 a year if I wanted to live in a decent place and feed myself. Maybe I could get a roommate.

  A little more searching left me disgusted. This was just stupid. A crap job paying $11.50 an hour and they wanted experience?

  What about a hotel desk clerk? That couldn’t be too hard. Sure enough, there was a position available. $13.50 an hour. That sucked. Valid driver’s license, check. Background check. Shouldn’t be a problem. Drug screening.

  Moving right along.

  I must have wasted thirty minutes looking at jobs. I wasn’t qualified for any of them. I could have done some of them. I mean, how hard can it be to mop a floor? But the lack of experience wasn’t helpful. And things with no experience required didn’t pay enough to cover rent for a studio apartment.

 

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