by Gary Jonas
He nodded toward the back of the plane. “Four Mako Clansmen in the rear compartment.”
“Why are they sitting in the rear compartment?”
“They aren’t. I have them in a tank.”
“A tank?” I asked. “You expecting a war?”
“Not that kind of tank, you moron. A tank of seawater to keep them fresh and strong.”
“Oh.”
Apollo stood. “Get up here, Helen. I’m not going to tell you again.”
“Yeah?” she asked. Her words were slurred and I realized she’d been drinking before she ever got on board. “What are you going to do? Blow me to bits like you did Euterpe? You can’t kill me.”
“Euterpe will reconstitute in a hundred years or so. She should have checked the bombs she was setting in the beach house.”
“Why don’t you blow me to bits?”
“Because I’d rather make your existence miserable.”
“You already did that.”
“You two want some alone time?” I asked.
“Sky waitress,” Helen called. “Can you bring me another yummy hurricane? More pineapple juice and lots more rum this time. Oh, and an extra cherry!”
“Is it wise to drink hurricanes in Galveston?” I asked. “Wouldn’t want to attract any of them.”
“We’re not in Galveston anymore,” she said. “And I can drink any damn thing I want.”
Apollo walked over to her chair and yanked her to her feet.
“Get your paws off me, you overbearing bore!” she yelled.
He ignored her protests and dragged her forward. She dropped her glass. It broke on the floor scattering ice cubes, shards of glass and a pineapple slice in the aisle. She slapped at him, but he didn’t seem to mind getting hit. He pulled her to the other seat and threw her into it. She came right out of it, swinging, and he slapped her.
She froze for an instant then sat down.
“Don’t hit a woman,” I said, rising.
“She’s not even human, you idiot,” Apollo said.
“She used to be.”
“How gallant,” he said, and punched me in the nose.
My head snapped back and I stood there stunned. I clutched at my nose and sat down, pain flaring through my face. “Ow!” I said.
“You all right?” Michael asked.
“I’m a napper, not a fighter,” I said, rubbing my nose. My eyesight was blurred, so I blinked a few times and opened my mouth, twisting my face to try and shake off the pain. I forced myself to get up anyway.
“Really?” Apollo asked.
“I can’t sit by and let you hit a female whether or not she’s human.”
Apollo shoved me back into the seat and the seatbelt magically wrapped around me. I tried to unfasten it, but it wouldn’t budge. “I hate magic,” I said. I kept struggling, but the belt simply tightened around me.
“Is it your turn, vampire?” Apollo asked.
Michael shook his head. “Not my fight. I’m just here to play bass on the tour, collect my money, get my cure, and go home.”
“Who said you get to go home?” Apollo asked.
“What do you mean?” Michael asked.
“Didn’t you read your contract?”
“I didn’t sign a contract. In fact, I was going to ask about that.” Michael turned to me. “Did you sign a contract?”
I shook my head. “Nope. Can you help me with this damn seatbelt?”
“Use your magic,” Michael said.
“Use your super vampire strength, man.”
But Michael was focused on Apollo. At least the conversation distracted Apollo from hitting Helen. “We didn’t sign a contract,” Michael said.
Apollo did a magician’s flourish with his hands and two long contracts unfurled from his palms. He shook them out and held them up. “Is this your signature?”
Michael leaned in and looked. “But I didn’t sign anything.”
“Tell that to the judge.”
I looked at the other contract and saw my signature at the bottom. It went in and out of focus for a moment, but it was definitely my scribble. And I knew I hadn’t signed anything either.
Michael snatched the contract from Apollo’s hand and ripped it to shreds.
Apollo laughed, twirled his hand and another signed copy appeared. “Want to tear this one up, too? I can do this all day.”
“This is bullshit,” Michael said. “I didn’t sign this.”
“Might want to give it a read,” Apollo said, slapping it down on Michael’s lap. He stabbed a clause. “This is a pretty good place to start.”
Michael scanned it. “What the hell? This makes me your slave for all eternity.”
“Being my slave has certain privileges, though,” Apollo said. “If you stay in my good graces, you can have all the women you want, plenty of money, you’ll never get sick, you’ll have eternal life. So you have to do things for me from time to time. It’s a fair trade.”
“No it’s not,” Helen said.
“We didn’t agree to these,” I said, still trying to get the seatbelt off.
“By stepping aboard this plane you did. Yours is considerably shorter term than your vampire friend’s because I don’t like you. I think I’ll enjoy making you do things, though, so until I get bored, you’ll get to suffer.”
“Nobody told us that,” Michael said.
“Oh, I’d be happy to cancel the contract anytime between here and New York,” he said.
“Then cancel the damn thing,” Michael said.
“Very well. If you’ll step up to the front of the plane, I’ll open the door and pitch you out so you fly into the engine. I’m not as up on vampire lore as I probably should be, but I suspect that would be fatal even to you.”
“Forget that.”
“Before I saw a TV show called Preacher I might have just tossed you out and let you fall, but I won’t take the chance that you’d survive the way the character in the show did.”
“Based on a comic book,” I said, thinking of Demetrius.
“Who cares?” Apollo asked, and pointed at Michael. “What do you say, vampire? I could dive into that engine and reconstitute myself. Can you?”
Michael didn’t say anything.
“I didn’t think so,” Apollo said. He looked at me. “What about you, wizard boy? Think you can figure out how to use magic in time to save your ass from the engine?”
I shook my head. “I can’t even figure out how to get rid of a dumbass demon.”
“You’re the dumbass,” Kevin said, having phased through the metal gag and rods. “You can’t even figure out how to unfasten a seatbelt.”
“Shut up, demon,” Apollo said and blasted him with another bolt of lightning.
Kevin rolled off the table, got up and did a little jig. “That was invigorating!”
“Maybe I can feed you to the shark men,” Apollo said.
“Can they operate on my frequency?” Kevin asked. “If it spares me from hearing you rant and rave it might be worth it.”
Apollo reared back to hurl another bolt, but Kevin puffed out his chest and smiled, opening his arms wide. “Light me up, baby!”
“Just don’t miss,” I said. “Don’t want to blow a hole in the plane.”
“Sky waitress?” Helen shouted. “Where the hell is my drink?”
CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Apollo stared at Kevin, but didn’t attack. The flight attendant brought another hurricane to Helen.
“Anyone else need anything?” the flight attendant asked. Her voice held a note of uncertainty.
“We’re fine,” Apollo said. “You can go sit down and take a break.”
“As you wish,” she said and backed away.
When she was gone, Apollo frowned. “I’m beginning to think I should have simply used local musicians at each stop.”
“You still can,” Helen said. “You can do any damn thing you want. You’re a freaking god, for fuck’s sake.”
“Freaking?” I said
.
She shrugged. “I don’t like cussing.”
“You just said for fuck’s sake.”
“Did I?”
I nodded.
“I must be drunk.”
“You think?”
“Wonderful,” Apollo said. “Just what we need. A drunk siren.”
“You shut up,” Helen said. “I’m not that drunk. I still have my wits around here somewhere. You try and take advantage of me and I’ll … I’ll … well, I don’t know what I’ll do. Maybe laugh?”
“At what?” Apollo asked.
“Your teeny tiny dick,” she said, holding her index finger and thumb a quarter inch apart. “You can’t please a woman with something that small.”
“And the truth comes out,” Kevin said.
“Shut up, demon,” Apollo said. “Women like small penises.”
“Who told you that?” Helen asked. “Oh, yeah, the women you were fucking back in the day. Don’t offend the god. He has a temper. Oh yes, sir, we like them small. The smaller the better.”
“Hey, Apollo,” Kevin said. “I’ll bet the four words you hear most often in the bedroom are, ‘Is it in yet?’ Am I right?”
“Yes, little demon man,” Helen said. “That’s exactly right. It’s pathetic.”
Apollo turned red.
Michael glanced at me. “You were serious about him having a little dick?”
“Smallest I’ve ever seen,” I said.
“Smaller is better,” Apollo said.
“For who?” Helen asked.
“I don’t like you when you’re drunk,” he said.
“I don’t like you when I’m drunk,” Helen said, “but then, I don’t like you when I’m sober either. Why do you think all the women you were with kept going to the taverns? So we could meet barbarians with dicks large enough to please us. We like to feel something.”
“That’s not true,” Apollo said.
“You know it’s true.”
Kevin dropped his drawers and waved his tool around. “Here you go, baby.”
“Put that thing away!” Apollo said.
“I don’t do demons,” Helen said. “And there is such a thing as too big.”
“I can adjust it,” Kevin said.
“Not a chance.”
“Damn,” Kevin said. “Can’t blame a demon for trying.”
“Enough of this!” Apollo yelled. He clenched his fists and shook them.
I hoped he wouldn’t attack me. Kevin was right. I couldn’t even unfasten a damn seatbelt. I didn’t want to get hit again.
“You’re never enough,” Helen said.
“You bitch!” Apollo yelled and threw a punch.
Helen dodged it and Apollo’s fist went right through the window.
Air hissed through the broken window, but unlike the movies, we didn’t lose cabin pressure and the side of the plane didn’t suddenly break away.
“Missed me,” Helen said.
He grabbed her by the throat.
Michael jumped up. “This is too much.” He kicked Apollo in the side, jumped up and tried to punch him.
Apollo punched Michael first.
Michael fell backward, but charged again.
Kevin jumped on Apollo’s back.
Apollo flipped Kevin over his shoulder. Kevin landed on Helen.
“Hi, baby,” Kevin said.
“I think I’m going to throw up,” Helen said.
Michael punched Apollo in the face, followed with an uppercut to the chin.
Apollo took the punches without budging. Then he grabbed Michael and hurled him down the aisle. Michael smashed into one of the seats, then caught himself.
“You should get in on this, Brett,” Kevin said as he tried to get up.
I held up my hands in surrender. “I can’t escape this fucking seatbelt,” I said.
“Magic your way out,” Kevin said.
“I don’t know how.”
Apollo grabbed Kevin and threw him at Michael. “Have a little demon,” he said, but Kevin flew right through the vampire and tumbled down the aisle.
Helen kicked Apollo in the groin.
Apollo stared at her a moment, then shook his head.
“Well,” she said, “with a target that small, a girl is bound to miss.”
I just wanted it all to end. Air hissed through the window. Apollo yelled as he charged Michael.
Vampires are strong.
Gods are stronger.
Apollo caught one of Michael’s punches, dropped down and jerked Michael’s arm sideways, breaking it on one of the chair armrests. I tried to reach over to help, but I was too far away.
He rose and stomped Michael’s leg, snapping that, too.
Michael crumpled to the floor.
“Men!” Apollo yelled. “Get up here!”
The sound of splashing water filled the cabin, and a moment later, four naked men with sharp teeth walked down the aisle.
“Now those men have cocks,” Kevin said.
“Put the vampire in your tank,” Apollo said.
The shark men picked Michael up and carried him away. I heard another splash, then a loud thud. The naked men returned.
“Anything else, sir?”
“Eat the demon.”
“Yes, sir,” one of the shark dudes said. He reached for Kevin, but his hands went right through.
“Told ya,” Kevin said.
“You think you’re funny?”
“Naw, just inedible.”
“Never mind,” Apollo said. He turned to look at me. “Maybe I should have the Mako Clansmen feast on you.”
“What did I do?” I asked.
“You didn’t get rid of the damn demon like I told you to do.”
Apollo wasn’t bluffing. His narrowed eyes and furrowed brow told me he was seriously pissed.
I tried to talk calmly and kept fumbling with the seatbelt. “If you’ll walk me through it step by step, I’d be only too happy to get him out of my life. He’s been a pain in the ass the whole time he’s been around.”
“Aww,” Kevin said. “I thought we were friends.”
“You’re the wizard,” Apollo said.
“What difference does any of it make?” Helen asked. “I need another drink.”
“You need to shut your mouth,” Apollo said to her.
“Take a chill pill, dude,” I said. “She’s drunk.”
“That makes her dangerous.”
“And don’t you forget it either,” Helen said, stabbing her finger at the air. “I’m really dangerous.”
“All the more reason to be nice,” I said.
“Can we eat him, boss?” the shark dude asked, licking his lips as he nodded toward me.
“Hold on,” I said. “This isn’t fair. What did I do to deserve getting eaten?”
“You tried to step in when I slapped Helen.”
“Hitting women is wrong. Yeah, I know, she’s not a woman to you, but I go with what Billy Joel says so the way I look at it, she’s always a woman.”
“I love that song,” Helen said.
“Billy Joel is awesome,” I said.
“I would sleep with him,” Helen said. “I should call him to me.”
“You’re in an airplane right now,” I said.
“Yes, it would be hard for him to get all the way up here. Men could just swim to me when I sang ships onto the rocks…” She stopped and glanced toward the cockpit a moment, then smiled.
“What are you smiling about?” Apollo asked.
“Just thinking about the good old days,” she said.
Apollo shrugged. “I feel like all I can do is shake my head at the sheer stupidity of everything happening here. Maybe I’ll just wipe the slate clean and start over in New York.”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“I’ll just toss everyone out of the plane.”
“Including us?” the shark dude asked.
“I’ll survive the fall,” Kevin said. “Let’s do it.”
�
�I won’t survive,” I said.
Kevin grinned. “No worries. We both know what that means. Maybe my demoness will take me back.”
“Can everyone please just shut up?” Apollo shouted.
Everyone went quiet.
Kevin farted.
“Sorry,” he said. “Well, not really.”
The shark dude waved his hand in front of his face and backed off. “Holy shit, what did you eat?”
Kevin winked at him. “You don’t want to know.”
“That’s disgusting,” Apollo said.
“Yeah?” Kevin said. “You swing both ways, right?”
“What?”
“You’re happy sleeping with men or women.”
“What does that have to do with anything?”
“But you don’t sleep with demons.”
“Of course not.”
Kevin stood up, turned around, let loose another nasty fart and waved it toward Apollo. “So here’s a little whiff of what you’re missing.”
Apollo backed up several steps, waving his hand in the air before his face. He glared at me. “You have to get rid of this creature!”
“Teach me how!”
“Don’t raise your voice to me, you worm!”
The stench from Kevin’s ass assaulted my nostrils.
“Good God in heaven, man!” I tried to bolt from my seat to get away from the aroma, but that motherfucking seatbelt wouldn’t fucking budge. My eyes watered. I had to get out of there before I puked all over Helen. The seatbelt finally gave way and I flew forward, crashing into Apollo. He shoved me away.
And then it reached Helen.
Her face contorted. “Ewwwwww!” She scrambled out of her seat, staggered into my arms.
“Hi, cutie,” I said.
“Don’t even think it.”
“I wasn’t thinking anything.”
The shark dudes kept backing away. Apollo, Helen, and I moved away, too.”
“Get that demon out of here!” Apollo said.
“Good luck with that,” Kevin said. “I’m locked and loaded for another shot. Anyone want to come into range?” He wriggled his ass at us. One more blast from that little ass-monster and we’d be goners.
Apollo shot energy bolts from his fingers at the windows. They shattered, the glass flying out of the jet.
Alarms went off. Wind screamed. Oxygen masks dropped from overhead.
We all darted for them and the respite they offered. It was every person, god, or entity for him or herself.
