by Rhoda Baxter
To: Tom Blackwood
Oh dear. What happened?
##
From: Tom Blackwood
To: Olivia Gornall
Vienna happened. She came in to waste some time and found me and Stevie having breakfast together. She put two and two together and had a go at me for leading the 'poor naÏve girl' along. She was pretty brutal about my trysts in the past and mentioned the job in Doha. I thought Stevie had left the room, but she hadn't. She'd stopped in the larder and heard every word!
I could kill Vienna. I think she knew that Stevie could hear.
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood
Didn't you try to talk Stevie out of it?
##
From: Tom Blackwood
To: Olivia Gornall
And say what? Everything she said is true. It was going to end soon anyway. I don't have time for a girlfriend and I won't be around for much longer anyway. At most we would have had a few more weeks together, but that would be about it.
If Stevie is that hurt now, imagine how much worse it would be after several weeks of being together?
No, it was kinder to let her go. For her and for me.
I just regret that I kissed her in the first place. If I'd been stronger, we would have parted as mere acquaintances and wouldn't have to deal with all this crap.
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood
Alternatively, You could not take the job and stay where you are. Or hope to get that other job instead.
##
From: Tom Blackwood
To: Olivia Gornall
I haven't heard anything from Lambert Kassel, so I'm assuming no luck with that job. I can't refuse the job in Doha. That would be stupid. I may as well quit and go sell the Big Issue. I worked hard to get that job and I deserve it.
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood
If that's the way you see it, then I suppose you did the right thing.
Personally, I think you're an idiot.
##
From: Tom Blackwood
To: Olivia Gornall
Thanks Og. I always know I can count on you for comfort and support. Not.
* * * *
Text From: Stevie's phone
To: Marsh's phone
Coming home today. Will call you this eve or tmrw.
* * * *
From: Vienna Jansen-Verlag
To: Tom Blackwood
I don't know why you're so sore with me. I didn't tell you anything you didn't already know.
I must say it's churlish of you to drop me in it like this re the event. Where am I going to find another date at such short notice?
Vienna
##
From: Tom Blackwood
To: Vienna Jansen-Verlag
You should have thought of that before you stuck your nose in my business. I've never interfered in yours, have I? The least I could expect is the same courtesy from you.
Chapter 22
The flat was too quiet for Stevie to relax in, so she put some music on and gave the place a good clean. It was in need of it anyway. She phoned the few of her friends who were still around, read the travel blogs of those who weren't and caught up with the gossip. She sent Louise an email outlining how the ball had gone, including how much money they'd raised.
Having caught up with all her social emails, she grabbed a Galaxy bar, poured herself a glass of wine and settled down to watch TV. But thoughts of Tom kept creeping in.
She mentally tracked the change in her feelings towards him. When had a mere crush tipped over into something that could make her feel so raw? They'd only known each other for a few weeks, yet she felt like she'd known him forever. How had she fallen so completely and blindly in love with him?
Perhaps that's what Marshall was trying to warn her about. Maybe that was just the effect Tom had on women.
Eventually, she fell asleep on the sofa and, for the first time in over a week, had her recurring nightmare. She woke up crying and cold with shock. For a moment, she was too disorientated to figure out where she was. Once the reality hit home, she started crying afresh. It was as though being with Tom had kept her fears at bay for a while, but now they were back, only worse. She now had an extra person she'd lost. Out of habit, she reached for her phone and got half way through Marsh's number when she stopped herself.
She was supposed to be an adult. She couldn't run to her big brother whenever she had a bad dream. He might be able to come round and see her now, but what would happen once the baby was born? He'd need to be with his new family, not to waste time babying his grown up sister.
She huddled on the sofa in her living room, where every single light was on, and hugged her knees. Years ago a therapist had told her to write her feelings down. She found a piece of paper and a pen and started to write.
Eventually she felt a little better. Rather than read what she'd written and relive it all, she screwed up the paper and threw it in the bin. Going over to her notice board, she took Indiana Jones down and retrieved the photo of her family. When she finally went to bed, she fell asleep with it clutched against her lacerated heart.
* * * *
The dawn chorus woke her at 5:00 a.m. She made herself breakfast, went for a run and managed to wait until a more reasonable six-thirty before phoning Marsh. He would be up. He always was.
"It's me," she said, when he answered the phone.
"Stevie. How are you?" He sounded relieved to talk to her. She realised he must have been worrying about how she was, especially given his fears about how Tom might treat her.
"Um...."
The pause was long enough for Marsh to tell what was wrong. "You had the dream again, didn't you?"
"Yes."
"Do you want me to come over?"
"Actually, I'm okay for the minute. If you could come over this evening though..."
"Just a sec." There was a muffled conversation at the other end of the line before Marsh came back. "Sure. I can come round after work. Are you sure you don't want to me pop round now?"
"No, I'll be fine." Stevie smiled at the phone, feeling a rush of affection for her brother. "I'll cook dinner."
"Is that a hint for me to bring pudding?"
"If you like."
* * * *
From: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
To: Olivia Gornall
It's official. I got the Doha job!
Just accepted it.
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
Congratulations! Drinks are on you at lunchtime then!
Have you seen Dierdre? She looks like she's sucked a lemon. Love it.
I guess that's you off to sunnier climes in a few weeks then.
##
From: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
To: Olivia Gornall
They want me to come over next week for a few days to discuss things and look at accommodation etc. So I guess I'll be leaving for good within a few weeks of getting back. Now that they've filled the position, they're keen for things to get started.
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
And what are you going to do about Stevie?
##
From: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
To: Olivia Gornall
I don't know. It's been a few days since I last saw her, but I really miss her. I keep thinking of things to tell her and she's not there. I miss her being there. It's like she grounded me somehow and now I can't take off properly again.
I thought about going to see her, but I'm worried it might make things worse. I've got a chance for a new beginning. It'll help me forget her and move on. Seeing her again will only make it harder when it's time to leave.
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
Just listen to you, gibbering like an idiot.
You fell in love with her, you fool. She didn't clip your wings or whatever else you think. She just let you be yourself, insecurities and all, and you let your guard down enough to fall in love.
If you run away from this now, you will regret it forever. Trust me on this one. We women know about this stuff. Even women like me.
##
From: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
To: Olivia Gornall
I didn't fall in love. I just let my guard down for too long. I should have stuck with Vienna. At least she didn't leave me feeling this terrible mixture of loneliness and guilt.
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
Vienna didn't leave you feeling anything, other than the need to get your end away. That's the difference between lust and love.
##
From: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
To: Olivia Gornall
Okay, you're starting to scare me now. Who are you and what have you done with Og?
##
From: Olivia Gornall
To: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
Stop pissing around and go see her.
##
From: Tom Blackwood < Thomas.Blackwood@ Krantzsolutions.com>
To: Olivia Gornall
Okay. Okay. I'll go see her.
Heaven knows what I'm going to say to her though. It'll never work out. My job is important to me. I can't give it all up for a girl I've known for two weeks. Can I?
* * * *
Stevie had lunch with Louise and went over the details of the ball, a sort of post mortem of what went well and how it could have been better. She came home, her head buzzing with ideas, to find the light flashing on her answer phone. Her first thought was that it was Tom.
She sat down next to the phone and stared at it. Did she really want to hear his voice again? What could he possibly have to say that would make things better? Her finger hovered over the delete button. Surely it was better to just let it go and try and get on with things. But she just couldn't bring herself to do it.
A stray hope that perhaps he was missing her as much as she was missing him made her press the play button. She sat there, hope rising, as it started to play.
It wasn't Tom. Disappointment seared her. She heard a woman's voice, but she wasn't listening. Tears prickled. She had been so convinced it was him. It took her a moment to pull herself together and replay the message.
"Hi Stevie, its Lavinia Cosham. We met at Lady Beryl's charity ball."
Stevie sat up. Lavinia Cosham? She frowned and tried to remember who that was. Could this be the start of another job?
"I think I mentioned that the Major and I were thinking of having a small celebration for our wedding anniversary soon. I was wondering if you could come up here and discuss a few details with us. Perhaps give us a quote."
Stevie grabbed a notebook and pen to write down the number.
But Mrs. Cosham didn't leave one. "I'll speak to you soon," the message concluded.
Stevie lowered her notebook and stared at the phone. She punched out 1471 to see if she could find the number that way, but the number had been withheld. Damn. Damn. Damn. Her next potential commission and she didn't have the number.
"Don't panic, Stevie," she said out loud. "Don't panic."
Evelyn would probably have the Major's contact details. If not, there was always directory enquiries services. There couldn't be that many Major Coshams in Oxford.
Of course, speaking to Evelyn would mean she would have to talk about Tom. Or worse, he could answer the phone. Stevie drummed her fingers on the arm of the sofa. What should she do?
Deciding that the commission was more important than protecting her fragile feelings, she called Evelyn.
"Stevie. I'm so glad you called. Tom said you left in a hurry. Is everything okay?"
"Oh yes, I just...had some things I needed to get on with in London."
"Well, I'm glad you called. We need to sort out your payment."
"I'm preparing an invoice for expenses..."
"And then there's the percentage of the profits," said Evelyn. "You'll be pleased to hear that it comes to a tidy sum." She named the amount.
"Goodness." Stevie mentally calculated how much original profit that would have been. "How did we make that much?"
Evelyn chuckled. "I told Lady Beryl about that little man buying a ward name for his wife and Lady Beryl decided that was just what she needed. So she and Lord Grayingham are paying for a ward and some equipment."
Stevie laughed. The sum was more than she'd hoped to make. She'd feel bad taking that away from the kids who needed it. "Tell you what, Evelyn," she said. "Why don't I invoice you for half of that amount, plus expenses and you can donate the rest to the charity."
"Are you sure? You earned that money, fair and square. Until you came up with your marketing scheme we thought we would barely break even."
"I'm sure." If this one event led to more jobs, then it would more than compensate.
"Oh, and I've had several queries from people about using the house as a venue for graduation parties and things. Of course, if they need an organiser, I shan't hesitate to recommend you. After all, you know the house so well now."
Not so well that she didn't get lost and wander into Tom in the middle of the night...
Stevie squashed that thought. "Actually, Evelyn, that's the main reason I'm phoning. I had a call from Major Cosham's wife about a possible event, but she didn't leave her phone number. I was wondering if you have it?"
"Lavinia Cosham? Oh, I'm sure I do have her number. Just a minute." There was a rustling sound.
Stevie pictured Evelyn sitting in her office rifling through her Rolodex, under the proud gaze of her late husband.
"Ah yes, here it is." Evelyn read out the number. "I hope that works out for you. I might see you there, you never know."
"That would be lovely," Stevie said.
"Oh, by the way, did you hear Tom's news?"
At the sound of his name, her heart lurched. "No."
"He's been offered this super job in the Middle East. He's very excited about it."
So he would be leaving. Soon. "That's great." Stevie tried to sound enthusiastic, but failed. She concentrated on keeping her voice steady. "Tell him I said congratulations."
"I'm thinking of cooking dinner again," said Evelyn happily. "Maybe even open one of those special bottles of wine that Frank laid down when Tom was born. I was saving it for when he got married or something, but I think this is almost as good."
"I'm sure he'd like that." Stevie breathed in slowly. "Evelyn, I have to go. I'll email you soon. Thank you for Mrs. Cosham's phone number. Bye." She hung up a little too quickly, hoping Evelyn wouldn't notice.
Clutching the notebook, she stared at the window of the flat, not really seeing it. So that was it. Tom was going to Doha.
If she had ever needed
confirmation that he didn't feel the same way she did, this was it. She had been stupid to fall for him. Marsh had tried to warn her, but she had been too pig-headed to listen. She was so busy trying to prove she could make her own decisions that she'd let her heart rule her head and now she was paying the price.
She looked down at the phone number Evelyn had given her. It represented a whole new start for her. If this business took off, she could do what she loved. No more opening envelopes and waiting tables for minimum wage. She would be busy and fulfilled. And alone.
The photo of her family was lying on the coffee table. She picked it up and studied the faces of her parents. In all her memories, they had the faces from this photo. The same fixed smiles. Her mother squinting against the sunlight. Her father with a crease on his forehead as he worried about the traffic getting home. She could barely remember them now.
But she remembered the pain. The terrible emptiness they'd left behind. She was starting to feel it again. It was as though realising that Marsh now had a family of his own to care for had opened up the wounds she had learned to live with. And then falling for Tom and losing him had made things worse.
By the time Marsh arrived, she was in tears again. She opened the door to find her brother standing there with two shopping bags, his suit crumpled from being in the crowd on the tube and his hair windswept.
There was the briefest pause as he took in her puffy eyes and tear-smudged make up. In that pause Stevie had a sudden image of her father, tired and dishevelled marching into her room saying "For heaven's sake Stevie, it's past ten o'clock. Go to sleep!" It wasn't the face from the photo, but a real living memory of his beloved face, grumpy but alive. The strength of it made her catch her breath.
"What's wrong?" Marsh stepped in. He dropped his bags on the floor and gave her a hug.
She buried her face in his shoulder and squeezed him back. Her ear pressed against his chest, she could hear his heartbeat, telling her that he, at least, was still alive. Still there for her when she needed him. She released him and took a step back. "You know." She managed a watery smile. "The older you get, the more you look like Dad."
