by Gump
The shopkeeper very carefully run his fingers over the handle of the knife, which is black wood with a bunch of jewels set into it. It is a curved knife, with a fat blade that is inscribed with all sorts of fancy Arab writin.
"This was the dirk that our great liberator, Saladin the Magnificent, wore when he defeated the European crusaders in the twelfth century!" says the shopkeeper. "It is priceless!"
"Yeah?" I says. "So how do I know how much it cost?"
"For you," he says, "nineteen ninety-five."
So I gone on an bought it, thinkin there must be a catch—like maybe the note I wanted to send with it was gonna be a thousan bucks, but it wadn't. In fact, the feller says he will ship it to the U.S. free of charge. I figgered you can't beat that, an wrote little Forrest, tellin him the history of the knife that the shopkeeper tole me, an I warned him it was so sharp it would cut paper, so not to be rubbin his fingers on it. I just knew he was gonna go bananas when he got it.
Meantime, me an the guys continued walkin down the streets, everbody sort of grousin since they is really nothin to do but buy souvenirs an drink coffee. We gone down a bunch of dark ole alleys, where folks are sellin everthin from bananas to Band-Aids, when I seen somethin that sort of makes me stop. They is a little sunshade laid out with poles in the dirt, an under it is a feller drinkin from a big ole jar of Kool-Aid, an playin a hurdy-gurdy. I can't see his face right away, but on the end of a rope he is holdin there is a big ole orangutang that looks pretty familiar. The orangutang is doin dances, an the man has a tin cup on the ground in front of him an, basically, he is a beggar.
I walked up closer, an the orangutang kind of looks at me funny for a second an then jumped up into my arms. It weighs so much, it knocked me flat on the ground, an when I looked up, I am starin into the face of ole Sue, from the good ole days when I was a spaceman back in New Guinea. Sue be clackin his teeth an givin me big ole slobbery kisses an chatterin an whimperin.
"Take your hands off that ape," a voice says, an guess what? I looked over under the little sunshade an who do I see settin there but good ole Lieutenant Dan! I was so surprised, I like to of fainted.
"Great God!" says Lieutenant Dan. "Is that you, Gump?"
"Yessir," I says. "I reckon it is."
"What in hell are you doing here?" he says.
"I reckon I could ast you that same question" was my reply.
Lieutenant Dan, he is lookin a good deal healthier than the last time I seen him. That was even after Colonel North got him put in the Walter Reed Army Hospital. They has somehow got rid of his cough an he has put on weight an there is a luster to his eyes that was not there before.
"Well, Gump," he says, "I read in the newspapers you ain't wasted no time stayin in the doghouse. You done tricked the Ayatolja, got thowed in jail for contemptin the Congress, caused a riot down at some religious theme park, got arrested an put on trial for swindling millions of people, was responsible for the greatest single maritime environmental disaster of the world, an somehow managed to put an end to communism in Europe. All in all, I'd say you've had a fair few years."
"Yup," I says, "that's about the size of it."
All the while, Lieutenant Dan has been tryin to improve hissef. At first he done almost give up when he got to Walter Reed, but the doctors finally persuaded him he had a few more good years left. He got his army pension bidness straightened out, an so he don't quite have to live from hand to mouth anymore. He traveled around for a while, mostly on military aircraft, which the pension entitles him to do, an which is also how he got here to Saudi Arabia.
One time a while back, he says, he was in New Orleans, just to take in the sights from the days when we lived there an to get him some good oysters on the half shell. He says that unlike most places, it ain't changed a whole lot. One day he was settin in Jackson Square, where I used to play my one-man band, when lo an behole, along comes a ape that he recognized as Sue. Sue had been supportin hissef by kinda taggin along behind the fellers that was singin or dancin for money in the streets, an had learned to do a little dance hissef. Then, when everbody done thowed enough money in the tin cups, Sue would grap what he thought was his share an haul ass.
Anyhow, the two of them teamed up, an Sue would push Dan around town in a little grocery cart, account of his artificial legs still bothered him pretty much, although he still carries them around.
"If I need em, I'll put em on," Dan says, "but frankly it's easier just sittin on my ass."
"I still don't understand why you is here," I says.
"Cause it's a war goin on, Forrest. My family ain't missed a war in nine generations, an I ain't gonna be the one to change that record."
Lieutenant Dan says he knows he is technically unfit for military service, but he is sort of hangin around, waitin for his chance to do somethin useful.
When he finds out I'm with a mechanized armored outfit, he is overjoyed.
"That's just what I need—transportation! Legs or no legs, I can kill A-rabs good as anybody else" is how he puts it.
Anyway, we gone over to the Casbah, or whatever they call it, an got Sue a banana, an me an Lieutenant Dan ate soup that had toad larva or somethin in it. "Y'know," he says, "I sure wish these A-rabs had some oysters, but I bet there ain't one within a thousand miles of here."
"What?" I ast. "A-rabs?"
"No, you stupo, oysters," says Dan.
In any case, by the end of the afternoon Dan had talked me into takin him back to my tank company. Before I took him in the compound, I gone to the quartermaster an drawn two more sets of fatigue uniforms, one for Dan an one for Sue. I am figgerin it might take some explainin about ole Sue, but that we would give it a try, anyhow.
As it turned out, nobody much give a shit that Lieutenant Dan has joined us. In fact, some fellers are glad to have him around, since besides Sergeant Kranz an me, he is the only other person in our outfit to have had any real combat experience. Whenever he is in public, Dan now wears the artificial legs, just suckin it up when they hurt him. Says it ain't military to go crawlin around or ridin in a cart. Also, most of the fellers taken a shine to Sue, who has turned into quite a scrounger. Whatever we need to have to steal from somebody else, Sue is the man for the job.
Ever night we set out in front of our tent an watch the Scud missiles that Saddamn Hussein is shooting at us. Most of the time, they is blowed up in the air by our own missiles, an it is all like a big fireworks show, with occasional accidents.
One day the battalion commander come around an call us all together.
"Arright, men," he says. "Tomorrow we gonna saddle up. At dawn, all our jet planes an missiles an artillery an everthin else in our grab bag gonna open up on the A-rabs. Then our asses is gonna hit em so hard in our tanks they will think ole Allah himself has come back to do them in. So get some rest. You gonna be needin it for the next few days."
That night I walked out away from camp a little bit, right to the edge of the desert. I have never seen a sky so clear as over the desert—seemed like every star in the heaven was shinin brighter than ever before. I begun to say a little prayer that nothin would happen to me in the battle, cause for the first time in my life, I got a responsibility to take care of.
That day, I had got a letter from Mrs. Curran, sayin she was gettin too ole an sick to take care of little Forrest. She says she is gonna have to go in the rest home pretty soon, an she is puttin her house up for sale, account of the rest home won't take her unless she's dead broke. Little Forrest, she says, "is gonna have to go live with the state or somethin, until I can figger out what else to do." He is just startin to be a teenager, she says, an is a fine-lookin boy, but is kind of wild sometimes. She say he makes some extra money on weekends by thumbin over to the casinos in Mississippi an countin cards at the blackjack tables, but that most of the casinos done kicked him out, account of he is so smart he can beat them at their own game.
"I really feel sorry about this," Mrs. Curran writes, "but there's nothing else I can do. I
'm sure you'll come home soon, Forrest, and everything will be okay."
Well, I feel pretty sorry for Mrs. Curran, too. She done all she could. But my heart don't feel good that I can do anythin to help, even if I do get home in one piece. I mean, look at my record so far. Anyway, I am thinkin about all this when all of a sudden from out of the desert, a kind of whirlwind comes blowin up toward me. It whirled an blew under the clear desert stars, an then, before I knowed it, there was Jenny, shimmerin in the sand an wind. I am so glad to see her after all this time, I am about to bust.
"Well," she says, "looks like you've done it again, huh?"
"Done what?"
"Got your ass in a sling. Aren't you gonna go out an fight the A-rabs tomorrow?"
"Yup, that's what the orders are."
"What if something happens to you?"
"What happens, happens," I said.
"And little Forrest?"
"I been thinkin about that."
"Yeah, I know. But you don't have any plan, do you?"
"Not yet. I gotta get outta this mess, first."
"I know that, too. And I can't tell you what's gonna happen, cause it's against the rules. But I will tell you one thing, though. Stick with Lieutenant Dan. And listen to him. Listen real carefully."
"Oh, I will," I says. "He is the best combat leader there is."
"Well, just pay attention to him, okay?"
I nodded, an then Jenny sort of begun to disappear in the whirlwind. I wanted to call her back, but her face begun to fade, an she says somethin else that was very faint, but I heard it.
"That German girl—I like her." Jenny's voice is almost gone. "She's got spirit, and a good heart..."
I tried to say somethin, but my words caught up in my throat, an then the whirlwind gone on its way, an I am left alone under the desert sky.
I ain't never seen nothin like what I saw next dawn, an I hope I don't ever see it again.
Far as the eye could see out in the desert, from horizon to horizon, our tanks an personnel carriers an mechanized guns is lined up in all directions. All the motors is runnin so's the sound from half a million men an machines is like one big constant growl from a giant tiger. A mad giant tiger.
At daybreak the order is given to move forward an kick Saddamn Hussein's A-rabs' asses out of Kuwait. An that's what we done.
Me an Sergeant Kranz, who has now been promoted to corporal, an Lieutenant Dan are in command of one of the tanks. Also, we has brought ole Sue along for good luck. Now, these tanks is not at all like the tanks we had in Vietnam, which were as simple to run as a tractor. But that was twenty-five years ago. Nosiree, these tanks look like the inside of a spaceship, with all sorts of computers an calculators an electrical stuff flashin an beepin. They even got air-conditionin.
We is in the first wave of attack, an afore long, we has spotted Saddamn Hussein's army in front of us, cept they are goin backwards. Sergeant Kranz done fired a few rounds from our big gun an Lieutenant Dan done pushed the throttle forward to maximum speed. Seems like we is actually skimmin over the desert, an all around us ever tank has opened fire an pretty soon the whole land is alive with big explosions. The noise is frightful, an ole Sue's got his fingers stuck in his ears.
"Wahoooo!" shouts Lieutenant Dan. "Lookit them bastards run!"
It was true. Seems like we is out in front of the whole pack. Ole Saddamn's army is flyin off like a huge covey of quail, leavin everthin behind, vehicles, clothes, stolen cars an furniture from Kuwait. At one point we done crossed a big long bridge an just afore we got to the end of it, one of our own jet planes dives down an blows it in half. We got to the other end in the nick of time, afore the whole thing collapsed down into a gorge!
When I look back through the mirror, I can see we is well ahead of everbody an was about to get on the radio to ast for instructions, when a big ole sandstorm blowed up in the desert in front, an in no time, we was engulfed inside it. Then the radio went dead.
"You reckon we oughta stop an wait for somebody to tell us what to do?" I ast.
"Hell, no," says Dan. "We got them bastids on the run—Let's keep em there!"
So that's what we did. We was in the sandstorm all day an most of the night. Couldn't see two feet in any direction, or tell if it was night or day, but we kep on goin. Couple of times we passed stalled-out tanks of Saddamn Hussein's army an refilled our fuel tanks from em.
"You know," says Lieutenant Dan, "way I figger it, we've come nearly three hundred miles."
Sergeant Kranz done looked at the map.
"If that is the case," he says, "why, we oughta be damn near to Baghdad by now."
Sure enough, just then the sandstorm let up an we come out to a bright sunshine. A sign on the road says Baghdad—10 kilometers.
We stopped for a minute an popped open the tank hatch an looked out. Sure enough, we can see Baghdad up ahead—a big ole white-lookin city with gold spires on the tops of buildins. But we don't see nothin else all around.
"We must of outrunned our own line," says Sergeant Kranz.
"I suppose we ought wait for them," Dan says.
All of a sudden, ole Sue, whose natural eyesight is like binoculars, begun to chatter an wave his hands an point behind us.
"What's that?" Sergeant Kranz ast.
Over the horizon, we could barely make out a bunch of vehicles in a line comin up behind us.
"It's our tanks, finally," says Lieutenant Dan.
"Hell it is!" hollers Sergeant Kranz. He has got out the field glasses an is starin at the line of vehicles.
"That's the whole goddamn A-rab army!" he shouts. "We ain't only outrunned our own army—we've outrunned theirs, too!"
"Well," says Dan, "this is a fine kettle of fish. Looks like we is caught between the proverbial rock an the hard place."
That is the understatement of the year, far as I'm concerned. Here is the entire A-rab army bearin down on us in one direction, an up ahead is where Saddamn Hussein hissef lives!
"Well, we gotta get some more gas anyhow," Dan says. "I reckon we might as well go into town an find a fillin station."
"What! Are you nuts?" shouts Sergeant Kranz.
"Well, what do you suggest?" Dan says. "We run outta gas, we walk. You rather walk, or ride in a tank?"
I reckon Dan's got a point here. I mean, it probably ain't gonna make no difference one way or the other how we are kilt, so we might as well get kilt ridin in our tank.
"What about you, Gump," Sergeant Kranz asts, "you got a opinion?"
"I don't give a shit," I says. An that was the truth.
"Arright," say Dan, "then let's go to Baghdad an take in the sights."
So that's what we did.
Chapter Twelve
Let me say this: Us bein in the city of Baghdad was about as welcome as a tankful of bastids at a family reunion.
People done seen us an run off screamin an hollerin, an some of them begun thowin rocks at us. We drove down a bunch of streets, lookin for some kind of fuel depot, an at one point Dan says we better stop an try to figger out some way to disguise ourselfs, or we will be in real trouble. We got out of the tank an looked around. The tank was so covered with dust it was barely recognizable, except for the American flag painted on the side, which showed through a little. Sergeant Kranz observes that it is too bad we ain't got any mud on our tank treads now, cause we could use it to hide over the flag. Dan says that ain't a bad idea, an sends me over to a ditch in the street to get some water for to make our own mud. Turns out, it ain't water in the ditch, but sewage, which makes my job somewhat less than pleasant.
When I come back with the bucket, everbody be holdin they nose an fannin the air, but we gone ahead an mixed up some dirt with the sewage an slapped it over our American flag. Dan remarks that if we are caught, we will now probly be shot for spies. Anyhow, we all got back in the tank an Sergeant Kranz give Sue the slop bucket, with some fresh slop, in case the mud wears off an we have to do it again.
So, off we go. We drov
e around some more, an our disguise seems to be workin. People might look up when we go by, but other than that, they don't take much notice. Finally we come to a fillin station, looks like ain't nobody home. Dan says for me an Sergeant Kranz to go see if they got any diesel fuel. We get out but ain't got three steps when all sorts of commotion begins. Jeeps an armored vehicles suddenly begun roarin down the streets from all directions an slam to a stop right across from us. Me an Sergeant Kranz crouched down behind a garbage bin to wait an see what's goin on.
Presently, from one of the armored vehicles a man come out, got a big bushy mustache an is wearin a green fatigue uniform an a little red beret. Everbody be sort of kowtowin to him.
"Sombitch!" whispers Sergeant Kranz. "That's Saddamn Hussein hissef!"
I squinted over, an sure enough, it look like all the pitchers I seen of him.
At first, he don't seem to take no notice of us, an begun walkin into a buildin, when all of a sudden, he stops an spins around an does sort of a double take at our tank. Suddenly, all the A-rabs around Saddamn Hussein begun wavin automatic weapons an come rushin over an surround the tank. One of em gets up on top an knocks on the hatch. I guess Dan an Sue done thought it was us, cause they opened the hatch an found themsefs starin at about two-dozen gun barrels.
The A-rabs drag them down from the tank an stand them up against a wall with their hands in the air. Actually, since Dan has took off his artificial legs he, of course, has to sit.
Saddamn Hussein stands in front of them with his hands on his hips, an begun laughin to his guards an flunkies.
"See," he says, "I tole you you ain't got nothin to fear from these American soldiers! Look what we got here drivin one of their best tanks—one's a cripple an the other guy's so fuckin ugly he almost looks like a ape!"
At this, Sue get a pained look on his face.
"Well," Saddamn say, "since they ain't no identification on your tank, you must be spies—Give em a cigarette, boys, an see if they got any last words to say."
