by Renea Porter
“Are you sure? Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m okay. I’ll see you later,” I say, turning over to my side and pulling the blanket over my shoulder.
She comes over and places her lips on my forehead, testing my temperature. “Just send me a text if you need me,” she says before leaving.
I drag my body toward the window and pull the sheer curtains closed. It helps a little, but the blinding pain inside me still claws at my heart. Then I crawl back in bed, with no desire to eat or shower. I feel like I might just wither away. Isn’t that why people hide from the world? I sure as hell can’t even fathom seeing Nathan in class today, and act as if everything is okay. No, not today, that just isn’t happening. Tomorrow is a new day, and maybe I’ll be able to face him then, but right now, it just doesn’t seem logical.
Once I realize the full realm of things, tears stream down my cheeks again, uncontrollably this time. If Nathan doesn’t come to his senses, I’ll die because that’s how my family line works. I can’t tell him. It hurts so much; my heart is completely shattered at this realization. Maybe Bea was onto something living her crazy ways. Shit!
Booze, I need booze. Getting shit faced will help me forget the hurt I feel, even just for a little while. My body feels so heavy as I lift myself off the bed in search of alcohol. I know booze isn’t the answer to everything, but right now it is. The first place I look is in Bea’s room, because she always stashes the good stuff.
Bending down on my knees, I look in the bottom drawer of her nightstand, but find nothing. I pull the bed skirt up and look underneath. “Score!” I grab the almost full bottle of beam and lug it back to my room.
Yeah, getting out of bed is definitely not on my to-do list, not today, anyway. I laugh inwardly as I take a swig straight from the bottle. After a few swigs, I’m starting to feel lighter, and then the room starts to spin. I lie down and close my eyes to stop the spinning.
Chapter Eleven
NATHAN
Riley wasn’t in class today. I can only imagine what she’s going through. I’ll never stop seeing the pain in her eyes when I told her it was over. My heart blasted into shreds and I’m not at peace with this decision. I’ve lost her and I no longer feel whole.
While walking back home from classes, I want so badly to go to her apartment, but I know better. Why did I let this get this far? Why? I continue to curse myself as I walk inside my place. She’s everywhere I look, on the kitchen table, the counter, the couch, just everywhere.
I pour myself some scotch and let the alcohol burn down my throat. Opening my laptop, I try to get some work done, grading papers and researching things for the upcoming semester; anything to keep my mind from wandering to Riley.
But I can’t stop thinking about her. Did I let her down easy enough? Did I convey all I needed to in our last kiss? Does she understand that I had to do what I did? Did I give her everything I have? I shake my head from my thoughts, the thoughts that will forever haunt me if I continue doing this.
I swore I’d never hurt her and I did. I’ll never forgive myself for it, but at the same time my career and reputation is on the line and I couldn’t risk it. If I leave the college, it has to be on my terms. It’s something to contemplate.
I cling to the hope that one day she’ll understand. Sometimes love doesn’t always win in the end, sometimes the universe has other plans. Hopefully, she’ll be able to forgive me. Hopefully, I’ll see her soon. I hate the thought of her wallowing in her room. I’ve seen movement off and on through my window, so I know she’s there. Still, the fact is I can’t stop thinking about her; the way her lips felt against mine, the way her body melted into mine, the way she laughed, her big doe eyes challenging me in every way. A lump forms in my throat at those thoughts, and tears start to sting my eyes. For the first time in such a long time, I let the tears flow, and I don’t feel ashamed to do so.
We connected on some deep level and I had to rip her heart out.
***
RILEY
I vow to make it through the day at school, to not let Nathan win in his game of lies. But walking through the doors was the hardest thing I could do. I stand outside as students buzz by me, entering and exiting the school. Okay, maybe this wasn’t the best idea. I turn and walk right back home, to my safety zone. To my Nathan free zone. Maybe tomorrow will be better or next week.
***
It’s been a week since Nathan last laid eyes on me. It’s been one week since my heart broke into a thousand pieces. It’s been one week since I knew I lost the only one I’d ever love. Knowing that kills me. I feel myself getting weaker by the minute, my butterfly tattoo diminishing and worst of all, pushing my best friend away. I’m going to die, anyway. Bed is the only place I remain.
Knock, Knock. Bea’s at the entryway to my room. She has a sad look on her face. She brings a tray of soup and bread over to my bedside.
“Riley, you need to eat. You’re withering away, and I won’t stand here and watch it.”
“I’m not hungry,” I say, curling into a tighter ball.
“I don’t care. You haven’t eaten in I don’t know how long. I’m not leaving until you do so.”
“Fine,” I say, pulling my body upward against the headboard. Bea hands me the soup and it warms me.
“Besides, if you just tell me who this guy is that broke your heart, I can go to him,” she pleads.
I shake my head at her. “You know I can’t tell you that. It’s against the rules, and what would be the point?”
Bea abruptly stands, throwing her hands around. “Screw the rules, Riley. You’re hurting. And it’s killing you.”
“I’m already dying Bea. I feel weaker; my heart can’t take this. I just don’t see the point in acting like everything is okay.”
“I think you need to show your face at school. People are asking about you and I’m done with letting you sulk. So tomorrow, you are leaving this house if I have to carry you.”
I can’t help but love Bea for her insistence. She really is the best friend a girl could have. I offer her a weak smile and hold my arms out for her to hug me. She leans down and hugs me tight. “Thank you,” I whisper.
Bea hangs out with me a little longer while I finish the food she brought in. I appreciate her more than I can even say.
“So school tomorrow. I’ll walk with you every single step of the way,” she assures me.
“Who was asking about me at school?”
“Oh, Ace Givens was wondering where you were. I just told him you were sick. He seemed concerned for you.” She raises her eyebrows causing me to laugh.
“There’s nothing going on between us. We’re just friends. I mean, I know I’m not meant to be with him. But I do like him. He’s easy and fun to be around.”
“Well, sounds like you could use some fun.”
“Maybe.”
“Get some rest. You have a big day tomorrow,” Bea says, taking the now empty tray and closes the door behind her.
I slide back down into the bed, pulling the blankets over me. Letting myself cry once more, I let the tears flow quietly into my pillow until sleep takes over.
***
The light breaking through my curtains wakes me up. Somehow, they managed to find their way wide open. I’m sure that’s Bea’s doing.
“Oh, you’re up,” Bea says while entering my room. “Now let’s get you fixed up, because you are not going to school like that.” She shudders at my sweatshirt and leggings getup. “Go shower, and I’ll get an outfit out for you.”
I don’t argue with her, mainly because I just don’t have the energy. I drag myself to the shower; the hot water soothes my body. Scrubbing my face, I hope that no one can tell I’ve been crying on and off for days. Today will be hard, not only facing Nathan, but sitting in his class, if I make it that far. Maybe I’ll just skip his class one more day.
Out of the shower, I grab a towel and dry off. Clearing the dew off the mirror, I look at myself and I swallow a hard lum
p once I see what’s staring back at me. My cheeks are sunken in, I’ve lost some weight, and the dark circles under my eyes will take a miracle to get rid of. I just don’t know what I see, who that girl is in the mirror. She’s almost unrecognizable.
Back in my bedroom, there’s an outfit spread out on my bed and none of the clothes belong to me. I guess Bea expects me to fit in her skinny ass clothes. Letting a heavy sigh out, I pull the black, skin tight jeans on and, surprisingly, they fit; a little snug though. Next, she has an off the shoulder white sweater. I’ll admit, so far I look hot. But the black high heels and the fact that she expects me to wear these, freak me out, but I slide my feet in anyway.
Just as I slide the pumps on, Bea comes in the room with her makeup kit in her hand.
“Wow, you look hot. You will definitely have boys wagging their tongues.”
“I don’t want the boys wagging their tongues.”
“I know. But still. I bet this mystery guy you’ve been crying over will be salivating when he sees you,” she admits.
I go with her plan, even though every fiber of my being is scared to leave the house. But it’s time to face the music, move on as best as I can. Grabbing my bag, I latch it over my shoulder and Bea interlocks her arm with mine. Maybe she’s making sure I don’t back away or run back. We start to walk, she holds onto me, her head held high, and I follow suit. As much as I try, I feel my throat constricting like a snake is choking me. Swallowing the lump down, I walk with confidence, until we reach the doors and I stop. Everything is buzzing by me in slow motion. Bea is patient with me as I gather myself together.
“This is a piece of cake, Riley,” she tells me.
How does she know this? She’s never been in love or met the one. I know she is just trying to encourage me. Getting my thoughts together, I step forward and we walk in the school like we own it. Bea’s curls bounce against the top of her shoulders as she turns to me, smiling and giving a wink, her arm still intertwined with mine. I feel all eyes on us, and it makes me feel uncomfortable. However, Bea is reviling in it.
Stopping near one of my classes, I turn to Bea. “Thanks for everything, Bea. You rock. I’ll be okay. Meet for lunch?”
“Okay, sure. Text me if you need me.” She turns and walks away.
When I turn to go into class, I run right into Ace. “Well, hello gorgeous.” His eyes scan me from head to toe. “It’s so good to see you’re feeling better.”
“Um, yeah, thanks,” I say uncomfortably. “Ace, eyes up here.” I point to my face.
“I’m sorry,” he says shyly with a grin. “I’m glad I caught you. The guys and I are throwing another party; would love for you and Bea to come. It’ll be fun.”
I smile. “Of course.”
“Great! And while we’re at it. When’s your next class? I think you need a bodyguard.”
“Ace! You are too much sometimes,” I tell him.
“Okay, you better go before you’re late. See you later.”
Chapter Twelve
NATHAN
For a moment I could have sworn I saw Riley. When I took a second look, I realize I did. She was talking to Ace and my blood was boiling. I could hear her laugh. What’s his angle? Riley seemed nice and cozy with him, too. Guess she got over me fairly quickly. Me, well I’ve been drinking myself into oblivion on a daily basis.
Am I stupid for applying to other schools just so I can be with her? Regardless, I need to move on with or without her. It kills me knowing that I broke her the way I did. I could have given her some hope of us reconnecting when the time was right. Right now is not the time to act irrational, yet she makes me feel that way.
“Ace, class is starting,” I say sternly.
Ace waves to Riley and moves to come inside the class. He’s no longer blocking me and Riley. My eyes lock with hers. She looks so gorgeous, even without that get up she’s wearing. It’s all a facade and I see right through her. Standing tall, she rolls her shoulders back while clutching the books to her chest, frozen in place. I can sense her breathing kicking up, her pulse racing because she doesn’t know what to do. Her face is emotionless. But her head is buzzing with all kinds of thoughts. She’s thinking about running, but then that would give her away. She thinks facing me the guy that broke her heart; she’ll win out in the end and that her broken heart won’t show. But I see and sense it all. She allows me to and she doesn’t even know it.
I want to go to her, wrap my arms around her, and tell her it’ll all be okay; kiss her beautiful lips and lose myself in her doe eyes. Something snaps my attention and I blink my eyes and she’s gone. Did I just imagine her here? Saddened by the events that just played out in my head, or for real, I pull the door shut and begin teaching the class.
The thing that pulls me so deep down the rabbit hole is that Riley is Riley. She gives no excuses about who she is and you just have to accept that. I think that’s what I love about her.
The image of her in the hall, emotionless and standing so still, burns into my brain. She was breathtakingly beautiful. So beautiful, my heart actually aches. I’ve never felt that feeling before. The feeling of emptiness when she’s not around, the silence that becomes too loud I can’t think, it’s all so consuming. Riley consumes me. I’m going to stop denying otherwise. Now how do I fix this shit hole I find myself in?
The thing is I may have pushed her farther away in my attempt to do the right thing. And this could be the worst mistake of all.
***
RILEY
Seeing Nathan in the hallway was like looking at a stranger, but someone I knew intimately. When his eyes found mine, I froze in place, willing myself to move but couldn’t. The truth is I wanted him to see me, to see what he lost, and to see what he could have had. But my heart still remained with him, even if it is crumbled in a thousand pieces. My chest constricts as I lean over, trying to catch my breath. The anger inside me is consuming me.
The more Nathan consumes me, the more my anger comes through. When I stand back up, the glass doors in front of me shatter just like my heart. Glass is everywhere. I’m guessing that’s my magic coming through. Feeling panicky, I rush outside, letting the spring-like air surround me. Stopping to take in my surroundings, I close my eyes, lean my head up to the sky, and just let my emotions feel whatever they feel. I know I am strong and I can get through this. Right now, it’s all about faking it until I make it, until it no longer hurts, until my chest no longer feels like it’s caving in and no longer denying my destiny for my short life. I might as well make the best of it.
I feel an arm linking in mine and I turn to see Bea smiling and her blonde curls bouncing crazily. “How was your day? By the looks of it I take it not good.” She points to the shattered glass.
“Meh,” I respond. “I got through it. But I’m just not ready to face him.”
“I get it. And I completely understand. You got out of bed, showed your face, and didn’t let him take the power away from you. You’ll get through it and I’ll help.”
We keep putting the emphasis on him because she still doesn’t know about Nathan and I refuse to tell her. Linking her arm with mine, she leans her head to mine as we continue to walk to our apartment.
Inside the apartment I grab an apple off the counter and bite into it. “So, Ace invited us to another party of his tonight,” I tell Bea.
“You two are becoming quite cozy.” She winks. “I think I like it.”
“Bea, I just mentioned a party and all you have to say is about me and Ace.”
She smiles. “You’re right. Let’s get drunk tonight,” she suggests.
“I don’t know if I’d go that far. But I’d be down for a few drinks.”
“I think you can afford to let go this once,” Bea says.
Maybe she’s right. I deserve to party a little harder than I ever have done. Surely booze will make me forget this heartache. Anything that comes out of Ace’s mouth should provide just enough entertainment. Bea insists that I need to remain in the outfit she
picked out for me today. I just fix my hair a little and add some makeup to my face. Once we’re ready, we decide to go grab dinner at a diner and then head to the party.
“So who are you planning on hooking up with?” I ask Bea across the table at the diner after we order our food.
She tilts her head and thinks for a moment. “I’m kind of digging Trent. I mean, it’s not love or anything, but he’s cute, funny, and very very doable.” She giggles.
I shake my head at her. She has no qualms when talking about sex and telling you exactly what she thinks. I shake my head at her, though I secretly like it. We finish our food and head back the other direction to the party at the frat house.
“I heard it’s supposed to be a full moon tonight. Watch out for the werewolves,” she jokes. I lightly shove her.
I do my best to put a smile on my face and push forward, even though nothing will come of me sulking in misery. I think about when I danced in the studio with Ace and smile. Who would have thought some hot shot frat boy footballer could also dance like that?
“Well, at least I know you have Ace to keep you company so I don’t feel like I’m ditching you.”
“Don’t worry about me. I’ll be fine.”
“I know you will.” She arches her eyebrow.
We arrive at the frat house and can barely move through all the bodies. Ace immediately spots me and greets me with a huge grin.
“There you are,” he says. “Trent’s in the kitchen the last time I checked,” he says to Bea.
“I know when I’m not wanted,” she jokes, giving me a nod before walking away.
“Come on, we’ll get you a beer,” Ace says.
For some odd reason, he grabs my hand and holds it while leading me through the crowd. I have to say, his hand on mine kind of feels nice. We reach the kitchen and he flips the lid off the cooler, grabbing a bottle and handing it to me.
“I have something to show you and I hope you aren’t too freaked out,” he says as we step outside.
