by LK Thompson
“Thanks! I brought tissues. So wait, are you still at Jimmy’s?”
Her smile evaporated as she scanned the people nearby quickly, “Shh! Only two nights a week—it’s rough on the bank, but I’m happier. Guess I just needed a little push. Jimmy’s been cool, might let me switch over to a bartender position in the summer. Marta’s down to Wednesday’s if you ever just wanna pop in and say hey.”
The lights flickered, “Okay, I better go. And Crystal? I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you. And Elle? It’s Kristyn.” She pointed to a name tag on her shirt that read, Ms. Kristyn and her smile was wider than ever. I finally knew who she was.
For the first two acts, I couldn’t take my eyes off Crystal. She was laser focused, her demeanor professional. By the time Everly took the stage, my eyes filled with tears, just like I knew they would. I wept within seconds until my face was red and blotchy and when she finished, Dad and I whooped and stood to clap.
Before heading to Dad’s car, Crystal, er, I mean Kristyn, squeezed my arm, and asked, “You like the show?”
“Oh my God, yes! I cried like a baby. It was so good!” I separated from my family and asked, “So, tell me more! Marta’s really leaving Jimmy’s too?”
“Yeah, she got a nanny job, actually. Turns out she really likes working with kids. Who knew?”
We laughed in unison, “How’s it been since I left? I mean, did anyone even really notice?”
She narrowed her eyes, “Oh come on, of course we did! Roy’s leaving at the end of the summer because he got into culinary school and it just made Marta and I realize if we didn’t make a move soon, we’d be shriveled up grandma strippers with no retirement plan. Or we’d be banished to serving, like Stephanie—and you know how miserable she was.”
I didn’t want to ask it. I really really tried not to, but it slipped, completely out of my hands, “What about…Mike?”
“Oh him? He’s his normal jerk self. He bitched at everyone for two straight weeks after you quit and then he forced Roy to call you to see if you’d pick up. Then, he called you and you didn’t, which we had to tell him meant you’d probably blocked him, which he did not like. So, he punched the wall and moped around for another few days.”
“Oh my God. Really?” My face was burning.
“Yup. Then, he got his girlfriend, Cara, a job as a server because apparently she’s been asking him for over a year for a job and he’s never said yes until now. She’s pretty tweaked out, but not horrible so far. Hmmm…did I miss anything?”
My stomach seized. She was his girlfriend. Of course I’d been so naive to believe him. It’s embarrassing how much I wanted to believe him.
“Holy shit.” Those were the only words I could think of.
Kristyn smiled, “Yeah, so. Good idea leaving. You made the right move.”
“Thanks. You too. You belong here and not surrounded by those dirty old men. Did I mention that I’m really proud of you?” I said, unable to help myself.
She laughed coolly, “Yeah, I know. Bella. I better go. See you around.”
5/15
I know where Mike lives because he told me.
Today, I drove to his condo development and circled the parking lot to see if I could find his car. When I didn’t, I drove to Jimmy’s. At the sight of his truck, I put my hand to my chest to feel it.
Nothing. Seeing his truck confirmed what I always knew. He’ll never leave. He will always be right there.
5/21
Today, it was Harlow.
Driving by her house is a habit when I’m bored. I make the rounds past all the houses, actually. But today, she was outside.
I parked along the curb, still not brave enough to pull into her driveway. We’re in a good place, but it’s going to take years to rebuild what was broken. I rolled down my window and called out to her, “Hey Harley!”
She whipped her head around and shouted, “Hey. I was just gonna text you. Did you hear about Ellie’s gig? She’s gonna be the drummer in Devin and Tony’s new band! They’re playing at The Brass Monkey on the 29th. Can you go?”
It’s such a casual invitation but I jumped at the opportunity. “Yes!” I exclaimed, “Of course! I wouldn’t miss it! Do you wanna go together? I can drive you.”
“Thanks for the offer, but I’m gonna go with Blake.” She walked closer to my window and said, “Hey look, you can tell your friends to come too, if you want. The band gets a portion of every entry fee. I know Ellie could really use the money.”
“Wow. Even still. That’s really big of you Harley. You’re practically a saint.” I smiled, happy to be there.
“Well, I just wanna be a good friend to Ellie. She’s the best friend I’ve ever had. I don’t know what I did to deserve her.”
It stings, yes. The whole way home, my head spun like a carnival ride. Didn’t I realize their bond and special friendship? Of course! Yet, I’ve never felt so sick, so quickly. Ellie Rossi was able to do the thing I couldn’t. I shipped myself off to another world, but she showed up every day. Loyal, and willing to fight for her friend.
5/29
The Brass Monkey is nothing like Jimmy’s and within the first five minutes of being there, it’s obvious that everyone other than me is new to the bar scene, but I try not to rub it in. The pungent smell of beer soaked wood planks hits me hard and I liked it. I missed it.
The parking lot was stuffed, cars double parked and honking raucously. I arrived with the PHS masses, just a normal high school girl cloaked in her squad of besties—Morgan, her friend Sienna, Taryn, her boyfriend Eric, and Craig. All of our secrets were tucked away for the night and thick, warm air engulfed us all. It could’ve been Jimmy’s if I closed my eyes and breathed it in long enough.
Even the stage triggers something within me. I almost tell Craig, having a gut reaction to tell someone. It’s a fond memory, nothing bad at all. Comforting in a way. I think of Jimmy’s and wonder what they’re doing at that exact moment. Is Roy reading an order slip for someone swapping the side salad for six pickles, or is Crystal helping Marta put her hair in a pole dance proof top knot? What’s Mike doing?
Roy texted yesterday to say Mike has been treating his girlfriend horribly in front of everyone. He wrote, You really dodged a bullet.
To make light of the situation, I texted, Yeah. So did he! Like…jail time! LOL.
Elle, stop! My goal is to avoid Mike until my last day. Telling him not to go to your house didn’t exactly go smoothly.
Thanks again, Roy.
The Brass Monkey is the first night since quitting Jimmy’s and Harlow’s accident that I feel happiness in every inch of my body. In the midst of the crowd, clamoring to be inches from the stage, Craig stood beside me and bobbed his head along with the music. No pressure. No talking. We stood apart from Harlow, who stared proudly at Ellie, kicking ass on the drums. I was proud too, drunk with happiness for the occasion. During the last song, I leaned my head back and whispered to Craig, “Would it be bad if I kissed you right now?”
He didn’t even answer. He just kissed me in the middle of the dance floor. I was exactly where I needed to be, with the guy I wanted to be with. Under the moon, away from our peers, we left hand in hand weaving through cars in the parking lot when he asked, “So, what should we do about prom? Wanna go with me?”
“Only if you come to mine.”
He looked at me, his eyes smiling, “It’s a date.”
6/1
“Why don’t you ever ask about Eric?” Taryn isn’t angry, but there’s a hint of something in her voice.
I’m sitting next to her on the front lawn of PHS and I say, “Probably the same reason, you didn’t ask about Mike.”
She smirked, “The thing is—I feel like I did ask about Mike! And I asked Morgan about her new friendship with Sienna. I constantly feel like I ask everyone about everything and yet, nobody cares about me. How come?”
I narrowed my eyes at Taryn and said, “Yeah, you’ve always had a knack for interrogat
ion, but then you also have a habit of using everything against us! When you found out I worked at Jimmy’s, you wanted to torture me, not comfort me, Taryn. Just because you’ve changed in the last few months, doesn’t change the past ten years. You asking questions is exactly why Morgan, Harlow, and I never did. You can’t rewrite history.”
“I guess,” Taryn said, retreating back into herself. “I wish I could do it all over. Eric would love you guys. He’s so normal—you’d die.”
“Don’t worry, Taryn.” I promise, “I’ll get to know him. Just give me more time.”
6/3
Taryn was escorted from prom for drinking, even though she stopped drinking alcohol after the night we danced together at Jimmy’s. The truth doesn’t matter because she’s Taryn—a disease. A syrupy sweet dose of revenge for Pelham High.
The scene unfolded quickly and without much control from our end. Morgan brought her new therapy friend, Sienna as her date and Taryn brought Eric. Harlow stayed home with Blake and Ellie, while Craig was my date. Against all odds, we were together again, different but new. Better.
Out of respect for the school’s hatred towards us, we never ran into the center of the dance floor or called attention to ourselves whatsoever. But, we did have fun. And I guess that’s the latest crime.
A tight knit group, we watched Miss Lawna curiously as she approached Taryn, tapped her on the shoulder. Her hands were in fists, resting on her hips and she explained the school’s “zero tolerance policy, blah blah blah.”
Eric maintained their innocence. Exactly, we had ZERO alcohol. But it was no use. They were forced to gather his coat and Taryn’s purse and told to leave. The old Taryn would have screamed at the injustice of it all. This Taryn just kinda went. And after a few minutes of thinking about it, we left too.
Craig drove me to his house and we sat on his couch, in the living room, still dressed up, but barefoot. There was a lot of speculation on Babble and Craig showed me some nasty messages about Taryn that were sent to him directly. Whether I’ve decided to be friends with Taryn or not, she can’t hide from her past. She’s still the PHS villain, after all.
Late in the night, my legs hung over Craig’s lap with reality shows blaring on his television. I could feel his phone vibrate in his pocket and I lurched forward to grab it, before he could stop me. An unknown number, paired with two messages. The first was an invitation to a party on the pier. The second begged. C’mon! You shouldn’t have left prom just because the disease did! I can see our plan backfired!
Craig read the message over my shoulder and asked, “That’s weird. Who’s number is that?” I plugged it into my phone. Ding ding ding, I found the answer: Vicki Bozzi.
Maybe she was tipsy on a wine cooler or maybe she’d always had a crush on Craig, but for whatever reason, my stomach writhed uncomfortably. Craig pulled me next to him, “Your hair smells like apples. Do you use apple shampoo?”
“Uh, are you going to write Vicki back?”
“Sure. I’ll tell her we’ll stop by. Wanna go check it out?”
Taryn has always been the one to throw the parties and because of that, we were always invited. Otherwise, the school didn’t want us. Could I really be accepted at this gathering? With Craig, maybe. Maybe this was exactly the sort of line blurring we needed. I picked myself off his couch and announced, “Okay. Let’s do it. Thank God I packed flip flops.”
Under the night sky, Craig and I sat on a sand covered rock, cradling two bottled beers in our hands. Our classmates ran up and down the beach wildly, obviously drunker than they were used to being, but kinda funny too. I rested myself on Craig and didn’t talk. This didn’t feel real.
At one point, Vicki plopped herself onto the sand by Craig’s feet and declared that she was going miss him when he graduated. She said, The junior guys suck! Just look at Devin!
Devin, who had been sitting with Millie, his girlfriend, picked up a handful of sand and threw it at her playfully, igniting a sand fight. I screamed and jumped into Craig’s arms, “Save me!”
When the crowd quieted, I took Craig’s hand and walked him away from everyone to say the one thing I’d been wanting to. The stars twinkled above us and the ocean was quiet. I stared into his dark brown eyes and asked, “So, what do you say? You wanna give this thing a try?”
We kissed and I knew his answer.
6/7
Today in the library, I was quieter than normal, unsure of my place. Surely Harlow knew I’d gone to prom and I wasn’t sure how it made her feel. Did she blame me for missing her prom? Photos were plastered on every platform of social media. Taryn, Morgan, and I, together again. It’s so different now, but I realize how a photo can misconstrue the truth.
Blake brought it up first, “I can’t believe how much Taryn’s drinking now. I mean, she’s always had a problem, but being so obviously drunk that you get kicked out of prom is bad. That’s like hardcore.”
Ellie nodded to agree and Harlow wore a completely blank stare. I knew I should too. It took a lot to earn my place at this library table and I didn’t want to mess it up by saying something wrong, but I also didn’t feel right ignoring the outright lie that was being told to my face.
Looking down, I said, “She actually didn’t drink anything.”
Blake looked at me doubtfully, “Yeah, right! Then why’d they kick her out?”
Quietly, I explained, “Because a group of people said she was drinking.”
“Oh come on. Why would they say that? And more importantly, why wouldn’t Taryn defend herself then? She probably reeked. In the video I saw, she just walked out. There’s no way Taryn would exit quietly after being falsely accused. I was around the girl for months—there’s literally NO way.”
Blake wasn’t buying what I was selling.
I shrugged, “I know it’s hard to believe, but she didn’t drink anything. And she did leave quietly. She wasn’t trying to put up a fight.”
Ellie scoffed, “For once.”
The subject changed, thankfully. I’d said my peace—maybe I’d implanted a small seed of doubt in their minds, maybe I hadn’t. It wasn’t my job to convince them of anything or to be Taryn’s cheerleader.
My job is to do the right thing and in that moment, I felt like I did.
6/10
Last night, at Craig’s senior prom, I sat with his friends—boys I’ve hardly gotten to know this year. They teased me endlessly on the limousine ride to the banquet hall, claiming I’d put Craig under a spell. Their banter was light hearted and happy. I liked them. It’s the last week of school and I’m finally going all in, unafraid to get attached.
Craig’s name was announced for the senior prom court and when he walked to the stage, the room cheered—no undercurrent of negativity. I screamed too and his friend to my right, Ethan, nudged me. He asked, “So, what’s the deal? You gonna stay together when he leaves for school?”
“I think so. Is that crazy?” I wondered aloud, but Ethan only shrugged.
“No harm in trying,” he said.
Craig’s going to NYU and he invited me to take a trip with him to New York City when school ends. Mom and Dad think I’ve been dating him since Halloween and okayed the plan, apart from some ground rules laid out by Dad. It’s funny because I’m not afraid to be alone with Craig. I’m not worried about what he’ll say or do to make me uncomfortable. I’m not worried about him pressuring me or expecting too much.
Last night was the most in love I’ve ever felt with Craig. He was wonderful in every way and he adored me. On our ride home, I fell asleep in his arms, exhausted from a long night of dancing.
But, I don’t love him.
I wonder about that fact all the time because I really thought it was love with Mike. I really did. With Jake, too. I’m starting to think love isn’t the all encompassing up and down feeling of a rollercoaster. Love takes time. It doesn’t fade. It grows.
6/15
While I parked at a gas pump at the Maplewood Sunoco station, I saw his shoulders
wide and brooding from a distance. He was standing at the pump furthest from mine in tight pants and a T shirt, black Ray Bans covering his blue eyes, dark hair styled to perfection. I’d recognize him anywhere. At any distance.
Mike.
I ducked my head and rummaged through my purse for my gas card, wondering if I could pull off pumping gas without him noticing, or reversing out into the road without being hit. Before I could decide, there was a tap on the window, and my head bolted up, “Mike! Hey!”
He appeared skeptical of my reaction, but said, “Fancy seeing you here in Maplewood. Where are you off to?”
I fumbled to open my door to pay, “Picking up my sister from dance. You headed to work?”
“Yep. We can’t all quit like you.” He’s joking, but I don’t crack a smile. He pulls his sunglasses from his face and says, “You look incredible. We miss you there, you know?”
“I know. Roy and I still text. Crystal and Marta too.”
“Oh, so I guess it’s just me you ditched.”
I opened the car door to grab the pump and looked at him out of the corner of my eye, “I don’t think that’s really how it went, Mike.”
He was staring at me intensely. I thought I might break.
“You mean, you’re not the one who blocked me?” He was still trying to be playful, but it was coming off all wrong.
“I’m sorry if that bothered you. There were reasons it ended and you know that. I…needed some space after what happened.”
Mike lingered silently, but I was antsy. When the gas meter clicked, I said, “Listen, I gotta go.”
He approached again and asked, “One last hug? For old time’s sake?”
After years of pleasing men, I don’t even realize when I’m doing it. So, I smiled and he moved towards me to embrace me for too long. He buried his face in my hair and the smell of his cologne intoxicated me. He whispered, “I really do miss you, Bella.”
