by Jules Dixon
I’d been living under the assumption that people wouldn’t want to get to know someone who couldn’t guarantee a happy, healthy future, but sitting there watching them roll with laughter it hit me … who could promise that?
Life was looking up this morning and even with the small reminder of my night of fun with the girls, I felt better today than I had in a week. I wore a long-sleeved dark blue shirt that hid my bruises adequately, only a little peeked out from the cuff but it looked like a smudge of sketching pencil. I didn’t even get weirded-out when Oliver tried to give me a hug. I stepped back and informed him that I was in a committed relationship, and he’d have to respect my boundaries, which meant no hugs at work. He smiled and said that Rahl must be something special to deserve such a sweetheart. I rolled my eyes and told him he would find someone someday, too. He scoffed and said his plans for the future were on hold, so someone for some fun was all he needed right now. I smacked his arm and called him a jackass. Ollie laughed. We were going to be okay, as only friends.
Rahl had called me last night. I’d tried to act as sober as possible while Tia and Laken laughed their asses off and made make-out noises behind my back. I’d hoped the conversation didn’t come off as weird, but I’d figured it did. He apologized so many times I’d lost count, but each time I’d felt a little better—or maybe it was the wine. He was so remorseful, but, legitimately, he hadn’t meant to hurt me.
I remembered him saying he had an appointment to see a psychiatrist today and I texted to give my support. I reread his “I love you more every day” text response over and over. They were only words, but they meant something so much more to me. I missed him in every molecule of my body. They all tended to gang up on me in a small quake when I thought about his expression of his feelings in the walk-in cooler Saturday night. That night would live inside of my heart forever.
I left Sugar Plum Dreams a little early to stop by the framer to pick up the projects that he was supposed to have ready. “Not until morning,” was his refrain on all of them. Andi wouldn’t be happy to hear that, considering we were supposed to start the install at eight a.m. and the shop didn’t open till ten a.m. I informed him he had to deliver to the jobsite by nine and do the hanging himself or we’d be looking for another framer. He quickly agreed and apologized for the late work.
I ran by a local sports shop and bought some terrycloth wristbands. They had some six-inch wide ones that covered almost all of the bruises. Not that I wouldn’t show Rahl if he asked to see, but I didn’t want to offer up the disturbing visual evidence of his involuntary assault to him or anyone else or invite questions into something that was nobody’s business but ours.
Rahl stood outside of Triple R in his running shorts and a t-shirt when I drove into the parking lot. He walked to me and gave me a soft kiss.
“I missed you, Angel,” he whispered in my ear.
I shivered. How his words and sentiment could get to me. “I missed you, too. Come on, let’s go work out.”
“How are your wrists today?” he asked. “Laken said they weren’t too bad yesterday.”
Thanks, Laken. You tried.
“They’re not bad at all.” I tugged on his hand and forced him to start moving, hoping to change the subject. “So tell me, what are we looking for tomorrow at the showroom?”
“Just about everything. Let’s see—tile, wood flooring for the entire first floor, carpet for the upstairs and basement, cabinets, hardware and fixtures for kitchen, bar in the basement and bathrooms, paint, and lighting. I’ve put off ordering as long as possible. I need to get it done this week or I won’t get into the home in August. Might take a couple of visits but if you’re willing, I’d appreciate your professional input.”
“Willing? This is like a beginning interior designer’s dream! Do you mind if I do a few CAD designs tonight to give you a couple of ideas and maybe help me lead you in the right direction?”
“That’d be great. I’d like to take you out for that dinner we missed last week after we get done tomorrow night.”
“We’ll have to see how much we can get knocked out, finishes wise. I’m so excited about helping you. Thank you for giving me the opportunity.”
He tugged my hand so that I stopped pseudo-dragging him and brought me back in for another kiss. His hand wound in my ponytail and tipped my head back. This time the connection was slower and deeper. The kiss spoke so many things. His regret. His love. His hope. And his fears. I tried to return the sentiments with more positivity and less sadness.
“Are you sure you’re okay, Sage?” His forehead rested on mine.
“I promise, I am. I want you to be okay, too.”
I didn’t want to pry into his appointment. Having medical issues had taught me that doctor’s visits were private. If he volunteered information that was up to him, but asking wasn’t going to happen.
“I got a prescription for sleeping pills from the psychiatrist, but I want to see what effect they have on me before we sleep in the same bed again.”
“I understand.”
“You look so much better, Sage. I take it the crying spells are gone?”
“Yeah, I feel great. I’m ready to do some running and some of the lifting Jude taught me last week. I was thinking of signing up for a few personal training sessions.”
“Sounds good. Would you be interested in double-dating with Jude and Presley?”
“I would! I really liked Presley when we talked on Saturday.”
“I don’t think either of us work this weekend. Maybe we can do something?”
We walked onto the gym floor and it was pretty busy with the after-work crowd.
“Hey, Rahl, Sage,” Jude called.
“Hi, Jude,” I answered back.
“Hey.” Rahl did his normal chin-lift. “How are things at Triple R?”
“Can’t complain. Sage, I know you said you were interested in some more sessions, well, the boss-man just dropped the price of the first-timers ten-session package to $250.”
“That’ll work in my budget.”
“We can do once or twice a week but they all have to be used in sixty days.”
“Okay. I’ll do it.” I walked over to the desk with him with Rahl following. We finished the paperwork, and I excused myself to the bathroom, giving Rahl a chance to ask about a double date.
In the bathroom, I stared at what I’d feared all along with the changes I’d been experiencing. There was a dime-sized stain of red in my underwear. Not like a period, and it appeared dried like it’d been there for a while.
Uterine cancer? Cervical cancer? Ovarian cancer? Bladder cancer? Kidney issues from chemo?
A hundred other possibilities screamed through my head. None of them made me anything but terrified. I cleaned up and walked back out to the floor.
Rahl saw me across the room from his treadmill. He jumped off and his long legs seemed to work on instinct that there was something wrong. I crumpled into his arms when he reached me, the muscles surrounding me in his comfort.
“Can you call Dr. Richter and get me in tomorrow?”
His eyebrows narrowed. “Definitely. You still want to work out?”
“No, I need to go home.”
“Do you need me to drive you?”
I shook in his arms as he walked me out the doors. “No, I’ll be okay.”
When we reached my car, I fumbled to get my keys out of my pocket with the huge wristbands on. I pulled the cumbersome annoyance off and Rahl’s eyes widened.
“Shit! Did I do that?” He ran his hands through his hair. “Fuck! Sage … I’m … I’m so sorry.”
The bruises had morphed into neglected crayon colors, the ones kids never used in their crayon box because they were so damn ugly. The same colors that Rahl’s eye had gone through last week and was currently still going through after Sunday, but my wrists and upper hands were worse than his eye.
“Sweetheart … how can I ever…”
He grabbed my other hand and pulled the ter
rycloth band off, inhaling when he saw that it was a matching illustration of his assault. He kissed the bruises as if his lips could draw the discoloration from my skin. Drops of moisture hit my wrists.
I sobbed at his reaction. One of us needed to be stronger. “Rahl … honey, I’m okay. I’m fine.” I ran my other hand through his hair.
He lifted me onto the hood of my car and buried his head in my shoulder as he continued his silent crying. I rubbed his back while I pulled myself together. Some of his sorrow wasn’t for me. It was for Kirby and probably for all the people he’d marked with his behavior the last few months. Overwhelmed and probably confused from therapy, he didn’t look like he’d slept well either.
Rahl calmed. He raised his head, and I wiped his tears.
“Sage, why do you need to see Tyson?”
“I just need to.” I’d been here before. Only having a firm diagnosis would dam his river of fear. And mine.
“I’d like to come with you.”
I’d done most of this on my own the first time, but I remembered that he’d said in the walk-in freezer that he wanted to be there for me. As much as I wanted to tell him I’d be okay on my own and he didn’t have to come, I wanted him there to support me. And that scared me almost as much as cancer.
“All right, but I’ll need to go into the exam room by myself.”
“As long as you promise to tell me what’s going on after.”
“I promise.”
Rahl took out his phone and dialed.
“Hey, Ty. Yeah, it went well. Thanks for the referral. Can you see Sage tomorrow at your office? I’m not sure, she just wants to see you. Okay…” There was a long pause and Rahl’s bloodshot eyes met mine. “Can you do early, like O-seven-hundred hours?” I nodded. “She can do that. I’ll be bringing her. Okay. See you then. Thanks.”
“Thank you.” I dropped my cheek to his chest.
“I want to be strong for you, Sage, but you’re freaking me out right now.”
“I know, don’t worry.” The words sounded right but there was anxiety behind them.
“Not possible. ‘Cause that’s what someone does when they love you. I’m starting to realize that.”
****
I rolled out of bed and my eyes fell on the dozen red roses in a hand-blown iridescent vase sitting on top of my dresser. Rahl gave me the symbol of his affection last night after he followed me to my apartment and made sure I was settled in before leaving. I reluctantly went to shower instead of lying there to enjoy the view. My wrists looked better with a gross muted color of grey and a purple undertone seeping through.
Good thing it’s going to be a cooler day and I can wear long sleeves again.
When I removed my clothes there was another dime-sized russet stain in my underwear. My throat closed in. Cancer was a sneaky bastard. Just when you thought your life was yours, it slipped in and stole your plans and hopes. I hated the vulnerable feeling that accompanied it—being at the mercy of something that was almost as abstract as a Picasso painting. Most of the time what you saw didn’t make total sense, but the concept was real and the finished product sometimes mind-blowing.
My body scan was scheduled for this Friday to be ready for next Friday when I had my six-month appointment with Dr. Thomas Gerhardt, “Cancer specialist to the Nebraska stars.” That was his joke, not mine. I certainly didn’t feel like a celebrity. He tried to lighten the mood at appointments, but his humor was drier than a dirt road in August.
I researched Dr. Richter on the Internet. Everything said he was a very respected, up-and-coming, high-risk OB/GYN. I wasn’t sure what he could do to alleviate my concerns today, but I needed to at least have a medical opinion, and if there were tests to do, he could get those started for Dr. Gerhardt. They practiced in the same medical complex. Hopefully, they knew each other and could communicate to get both the answers I wanted to hear and the ones I didn’t.
I walked outside and Rahl was leaning against the front of his truck in his company work clothes. His gaze was sexy enough to spontaneously burst my underwear into cinders.
“Are you okay to ride in this or do you want me to drive your car?”
“This is fine.” I met him and stood on my tiptoes to kiss his silky lips. “You look incredibly hot, but you also look like you didn’t get much sleep.”
His hands skimmed my back. “I decided not to take the sleeping pill in case it made me too drowsy to drive this morning. I woke up several times to screaming. Not sure how Easton and Laken were sleeping through it. They probably weren’t. Couldn’t sleep after three in the morning. At this point, I don’t know if I’m fixable.”
“You are. You will get there. If there’s one thing I’ve realized about you, Rahl, it’s that you can do anything. I’ve never met someone as gung-ho about having a full life as you.”
“Hooah to that.” He smiled, his dimples dipping into his cheeks.
I tipped my head.
“It’s an army word for ‘Heard, Understood, and Acknowledged’… HUA.”
I mulled it in my head. “Oh, interesting. I thought all that acronym stuff about the army was just for TV shows.”
“Nope, most of it’s real. We’d better go.”
Rahl lifted me into the cab and his caring attention radiated through me. I wasn’t used to the amount of sincere concern for my health. I attended appointments by myself. I held my own hand, but now he was holding it. I enjoyed the flash of happiness before I became a medical experiment yet again.
At the office, Rahl had to call Dr. Richter because the door was locked. It appeared he wasn’t actually open until eight a.m. on Tuesdays. Guilt rode through me for asking him to make an exception.
He opened the door. “Rahl, Sage, hi!”
“Hello, Dr. Richter, I’m sorry for asking you to come in so early.”
“I’ve already been at the hospital for two hours, Sage, so no big deal. I’m glad Rahl called. I want to help you however I can, and please, call me Tyson or Ty.”
“Thank you, Tyson.”
“Okay, let’s go back to my office and discuss what brings you here.”
I turned to Rahl but he already understood what I was going to say before I said it.
He cleared his throat. “Hey, I’m going to wait out here, Ty. If you need me, come get me.”
“Sounds good. This way, Sage.”
I sat in a comfortable leather swivel chair in front of his desk, and he closed the door.
“So, tell me … what can I do for you today?”
I explained my medical history—cancer, early menopause, crying fits last week—and how I’d been feeling off, but much better yesterday and today. He wrote some notes and listened intently. I got to the spotting last night and this morning and his eyebrows furrowed just the slightest.
He leaned back. “Okay, I’m glad you’re getting the scan on Friday. I think we should do some blood work to get Dr. Gerhardt up to speed and check a few things. I’d like to do a pelvic exam, too. If you’re okay with that?”
I nodded.
He walked me to an examining room. The room was comfortable. I wasn’t. But what woman loved having a stranger poke and prod her privates? None I knew. I undressed. Tyson returned with a nurse who took several vials of blood, something I was totally used to, and that fact was completely sad. The exam went quickly and he had me dress before he came back to the room. He sat on one of those rolling circle chairs that you always imagine a doctor to be on and the vision preoccupied my anxiety.
“Everything was normal on the exam. I’ll put a rush on the blood work and have some answers by tomorrow afternoon. Are you okay with me speaking directly with Dr. Gerhardt?”
I nodded again. Answers weren’t coming fast enough for my liking, but they never did.
“Can I call you with the results or would you like to come back to the office?” he asked.
“Tyson, you can call. Even if it’s bad news, I’ll be okay with that. It won’t be the first time.”
“I’m sure you’re worried over nothing. I’m not worried, Sage. You deserve to enjoy your life without waiting for some ugly black menace to attack. That’s not enjoying your life, that’s anticipating your death.”
That was how I’d been living the last three years. Waiting for some magical sign that my time on Earth was going to expire like the time on a parking meter, and the ticket was death. That wasn’t a way to live. And I had things to live for. Rahl, Laken, a job I loved, new friends like Ollie, they’d miss me. I deserved to be happy, surrounded by the people I loved. If Tyson wasn’t going to worry, I wouldn’t.
I’ll try really hard.
He reached forward and patted my knee. “You’ll be fine. Plus, I heard you’re an angel and we need more of those.”
A warm blush made me smile and I rolled my eyes, while stretching his name, “Rahl.” Tyson chuckled, and I hopped down from the exam table. “Thanks, Ty. I have to get to work.”
In the waiting room, Rahl stood and long strides shortened the distance in only a couple of steps. His eyes met Tyson’s but when he didn’t get any answers he brought them back to me.
“I’m going to be okay, Rahl. No worries.” My hand tried to wipe away the lines between his eyes.
He jerked me into a Laken-like hug. Apparently, the intense gesture ran in the family.
I relaxed into the embrace, but after a few seconds I choked out, “I can’t breathe!” I giggled and he relaxed, too.
We gave our good-byes and walked out hand in hand. I loved how my hand fit in his—protected and warm.
In the truck, I broke the silence. “I had some spotting in my underwear last night and this morning.”
“Did I hurt you down there, too?” He stilled with his hand on the gearshift, his knuckles turning white.
I shook my head. “No, Mr. Wow. Although you are quite impressive, you didn’t hurt me down there. Actually, making love with you always makes me feel better, so keep doing that.”
He beamed and his hand rested on my dress-pant-covered thigh.
I leaned into his shoulder. “I’m concerned that it’s one of the major reproductive cancers that I’m at risk for. Tyson took some blood for testing and did a pelvic exam. We’ll know more by Thursday.”
