by Max Hudson
He wasn’t sure what had happened, when he seemed to have lost all of his strength. All that he was sure of was that he didn’t like it at all. It was making him feel a little sick to his stomach, in fact. Not that he had much time to feel sick to his stomach.
He didn’t have much time to do anything, in fact, because he was still dragging himself along the length of his apartment and doing so was painful. He kept trying to hold on to walls or to something that would make it easy for him to stand up again, because he was sure that once he stood up he wouldn’t be in nearly as much pain anymore, and none of the things that he had to do would be half as difficult if he was just standing upright. He was almost positive of that fact. Almost. Not very positive, but almost positive, and that was good enough for him.
He just needed to get on his damn feet. He heard Derek knocking again, this time more insistently. His apartment had always felt far too small, but for the first time in his life, it felt too big. He hadn’t realized how difficult it would be to navigate if he had to do so on his stomach, slithering like a snake. The worst part of it was that moving like that hurt him, too. It was painful for his stomach, his arms, his back, the front of his legs. There was still bruising in some places and Luca was sure that when he woke up the next day, every single part of his body was going to burn.
Once again, here was another reason why he should have paid attention to Brooklyn. If he hadn’t been alone, none of this would have happened. He would have been able to ask someone to help him up. But no, he had to have his stupid pride get in the way of everything.
The worst part was just how much time he had to reflect on all of this as he dragged himself across the floor of his apartment. He finally managed to go to the door, where he sort of propped himself up against the door itself in a way that he shouldn’t have been able to do. He was lucky that he was tall, because if he hadn’t managed to reach the lock to his door, he was likely just going to give up. He heard it click and then moved away from the door as Derek opened it. There was sweat on his face, on his upper lip and his brow.
Dragging himself across the floor had turned out to be incredibly difficult and part of him wished that he hadn’t done it at all. But he needed help. He couldn’t stay like that forever, and Derek was the person around.
It made sense, then, that Derek would be the one helping him. After all, he was there. It wasn’t Brooklyn, because he had all but kicked Brooklyn out after he was a dick to him. It wasn’t his family, because Luca had been too proud to accept that he needed their help. No, it was Derek, his ex-boyfriend.
The one that something had happened with. The one that felt nothing but pity for him.
Derek opened the door and moved his head around, missing Luca with his gaze the first time. It was enough to make Luca groan. That seemed to be enough to get Derek’s attention, who turned his gaze toward the floor.
“Luca,” he said in a normal tone of voice, staring right at him and not making the slightest attempt to help him. “What are you doing down there?”
Luca rolled his eyes. “Throwing a party, obviously.”
“Sorry,” Derek said the moment he saw how annoyed Luca was. At least that was something, he supposed, though it certainly didn’t feel like much. Derek knelt and grabbed Luca’s hands, pulling him unsteadily. Luca noticed how different this felt, at least compared to the way that he felt around Brooklyn. When he was around Brooklyn, when Brooklyn was holding him, Luca always felt secure. Even if Brooklyn dropped him, which he doubted would ever happen, Luca was almost sure that Brooklyn would pick him right back up.
As for Derek, he hadn’t even noticed. If Luca hadn’t been right there, on the floor, glaring at him, Luca thought that Derek might not have picked him up. It wasn’t good. Derek was big, bigger than Luca, but he wasn’t that much stronger than him. It was clear that the muscles were all for show.
It was clear that all of Derek was for show. For a second, Luca was extremely grateful that they weren’t dating anymore, even if he had found it disorienting at first. Who would want Derek for a boyfriend? Not anyone in their right mind, he was sure of it.
Once he was upright and able to hold himself up, he managed to wiggle away from Derek’s touch. “Are you okay?”
“Fine,” Luca said. “Totally peachy.”
“You don’t look so good.”
“Yeah, well, I’ve been through a pretty bad accident,” Luca replied, narrowing his eyes. “Somewhat recently.”
“Yikes, sorry,” Derek said. “I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Luca raised his eyebrows at him. He was leaning against the door frame and he was lucky that his phone and wallet were already in his pockets. If they hadn’t been, Luca thought that he might have just stayed at home. He wanted to find the truth, but he didn’t want to spend any time around Derek if he could help it.
Derek looked him up and down. “Is that what you’re going to wear?”
Luca opened his mouth to answer with a snappy comeback then closed it again. He couldn’t even come up with something nasty enough as the answer to that. He could have told him that he wanted to stay in his apartment, but the curiosity was too much. Plus, Brooklyn had been right. The last thing that Luca wanted was to be alone after what had just happened.
“I’m just saying,” Derek said. “We’re going somewhere nice.”
“I can change if you want me to.”
Derek shook his head. “Don’t bother,” he said. “We’re probably already going to be late because of you.”
Luca narrowed his eyes. “We wouldn’t want that.”
“No, we wouldn’t,” Derek said. It was obvious to Luca that Derek was choosing not to hear the heavy irony in his voice, the disdain. There was nothing he could do about that. At least in this context, he truly was overpowered by Derek. He looked at him and nodded, hoping that it was enough of a clue that he wouldn’t fight.
“I can go back and get dressed, but it would take me a long time and—”
Derek scoffed. “Let’s just go,” he said. “I have reservations.”
“Okay,” Luca said. Derek extended his arm, indicating that Luca should grab it, and Luca did as he was told, much to his chagrin. He just needed to get through this, he reminded himself. Once this was over, he would never have to see Derek again. For the first time since Derek had arrived to pick him up, Luca flashed him a sincere smile.
***
In Luca’s opinion, Derek had oversold how nice the place was. It was not a bad restaurant, but it wasn't a specifically very nice one, and there were several people in the long wooden tables who were dressed more casually than he was. The restaurant itself wasn’t particularly fancy—the fanciest thing about it was the high vaulted ceilings and the wooden beams, where a few birds were perched. It was rustic and hipster-y, and there were beers on tap and local artists selling their wares on the walls. It was also a little too dark to see the menu. It wasn’t exactly sophisticated, though. The only thing that could be considered sophisticated about the entire thing was the napkins, which weren’t paper. That was literally all that Luca could see that could lead him to believe that this restaurant was nice. Well, that, and the prices. He knew that it wasn’t exactly cheap. He knew that, though, from the huge menu posted on the wall right above the open kitchen. It wasn’t as if it was one of those restaurants where the menu didn’t have prices because that was how expensive things were. There was nothing that made it elegant or sophisticated, and Luca couldn’t help but side-eye Derek when he said that.
He suddenly remembered the restaurants that Derek had taken him all through their relationship. They were always a little like this, a little too much like this. This entire thing was making Luca feel uncomfortable. It was reminding him of exactly what the relationship had been like with Derek and why it had to end, and his curiosity had begun to wane. He could figure out what had happened in Vegas without this date—or whatever the fuck it was. He could figure it out himself. Derek had been a dick to him and Luca had
gotten sick of him, and so he had dumped him. That was usually how it went.
They normally made up once Luca had an apology from Derek, but those had stopped working after a while. So it was probably one of those, and it was likely that what had happened was that Luca had simply gotten sick of him. Of course he had remembered all of these things the moment that he had stepped into a restaurant with Derek, though.
He couldn’t have done it before. Before he had accepted, before he had seized the opportunity with Brooklyn. He wished that he could call Brooklyn now and ask him out, but that wasn’t the kind of person that he was. He told himself to steady himself as he took a deep breath. He only had to get through an hour of this before he got home, and it couldn’t get more upsetting than it already had.
He was relieved that this was the last time that he would ever have to see Derek, though. Every time that he thought about that, he couldn’t help but smile.
Of course, the moment that they had walked in, Derek had started pointing out people who were better dressed than Luca, which was often the case, because their city was a hub for hipsters and fashion. Luca tuned him out and looked around the restaurant, wondering if he would be lucky enough to run into Brooklyn again. The first time, his chance to think about Derek was interrupted by the universe.
He could only hope that it would happen again. But he couldn’t spot Brooklyn anywhere, and unfortunately, Derek was grabbing his elbow and walking him slowly toward a table. They appeared to have reservations, something that Luca hadn’t been expecting. When did Derek call to make reservations? Was it after they had spoken in the morning? Luca was sure that this joint was bustling and he didn’t think that it was easy to get reservations the same day.
He looked at Derek suspiciously as Derek pulled up a chair for him. Luca watched him suspiciously as he sat down, wondering for a second if he was going to pull the chair out from under him. He wouldn’t have been surprised by that, it was exactly the sort of thing that Derek would do.
Derek seemed to sense his hesitancy, because he shook his head. When he spoke, his voice was an angry whisper. “For fuck’s sake, Luca. I’m not going to hurt you. Have you seen the state of you? I wouldn’t do that.”
Luca winced at Derek’s words. Thus far, he thought he had been doing pretty good. Sure, there had been some bumps in the road, but that was to be expected after an accident. Brooklyn had said as much. On the other hand, Luca was starting to doubt his own experience.
Maybe he was wrong. Maybe that was the way that it should be after all. Maybe he did look bad. His face was mostly unscathed, but he did have a few cuts and scrapes, and it didn’t look like nothing had happened either.
Instinctively, his hands went to his face and he started to look for scars on his skin. Derek scoffed. “Jesus, Luca, don’t overreact.”
“You know, I almost forgot how much of an asshole you were,” Luca replied quietly.
Derek sighed. He was fingering the edge of a menu and staring right at Luca. “Listen,” he said. “I’m sorry I’ve been a dick, okay? I’m just—I’m struggling with this.”
Luca raised his eyebrows. “You’re struggling with what?”
“I don’t know,” Derek said, crossing his arms over his chest. “Being here, with you, it’s weird for me.”
“Weird how?” Luca said. It wasn’t that he wanted to ask, it was more that he didn’t want Derek to sling any more insults at him. He realized how pathetic that was the moment that he thought it. He just wanted to keep Derek talking so that he wouldn’t say anything else which was rude or insulting, and Luca hated the fact that he’d had to employ a defense mechanism just to be around Derek. He needed to get out of there, but there was no way out.
He had been trapped by his own pride. He could have turned Derek away, or he could have told Brooklyn that Derek was at the door. Instead, he had decided to go out with him, and for what? It wasn’t like the truth was going to do anything.
He already knew that he didn’t want to be with Derek. He was glad that Derek wasn’t a part of his life anymore, in fact. If he never had to think about Derek again, he would be a happy man. But now he was here, and he didn’t have a way to get out, and the last thing that he wanted to do was call someone to bail him out.
The hardest part of it was that the person he wanted to call was the one who had told him that he was going to be busy. Luca didn’t know until what time Brooklyn worked, but he couldn’t just call him every time that he needed to be bailed out.
That would have hardly been fair. That wasn’t cool, and Luca wanted Brooklyn to like him. He didn’t think, at this point, that Brooklyn did like him. How could he, when his life was this much of a clusterfuck? Luca wouldn’t have blamed him if he never wanted to talk to him again.
It would have been a real shame, because Brooklyn was great. Luca wanted to impress him, not make him feel sorry for him. He sighed, pinched the bridge of his nose, and looked across the table at his ex-boyfriend, who still hadn’t said anything.
Derek shook his head. His arms were still crossed over his chest and his head was cocked. “What are you thinking about?”
“Oh, nothing,” Luca said. “I was just waiting for you to answer.”
Derek shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said. “It’s been so long since we did anything like this. I guess part of me is a little worried that whatever I say today is going to make me sound like an asshole.”
Luca raised his eyebrows and bit his lips.
Derek sighed, leaning back on his chair. “Luca, I know I’m not the easiest person to like in the world, okay?”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“I might be brash, Luca, but I’m not an idiot,” Derek said, waving his hand in front of his face. “I can tell that you’re not having a good time. And I’m sorry about that, and I’m going to try to ease up, okay?”
Luca didn’t say anything. That hardly felt like an apology to him. He looked down at the menu and wondered how long it would take him to eat an entrée. Maybe he should just go for a starter, since that would be quicker. But then he would have to wait for Derek to be done with his meal and he wouldn’t even have enough food to put in his mouth that would be able to stop him from having to talk. As far as Luca was concerned, that was a real conundrum.
Derek reached out and grabbed his hand. Luca had to do everything in his power to not yank it away. He moved it away, slowly, trying to make sure that Derek knew that he didn’t want to be touched. He remembered now, as he tried to edge away from Derek’s grip, just how afraid he had been of him, and of his temper. He didn’t care that much about making him mad anymore—if he was angry, then he was angry, and Luca would get to go home and not have to deal with that. But his flight or fight response had still kicked in, his heart was going a million miles an hour, and even though the inside of the restaurant was chilly, he had started to sweat.
Derek turned his gaze on him the moment that Luca had managed to squirm out of his grip. “Luca, you know that I know that I can be temperamental,” he started. “I know that some people think that I can be rude, too.”
Luca blinked, saying nothing. He hoped his silence was enough to keep Derek talking without angering him further.
“I'm not trying to be, but I know I can be,” Derek said, shaking his head. “I have changed, and I know it might not seem like it because I'm really stressed right now and I’m not handling things well.”
“Things,” Luca echoed.
“I know they’re harder for you,” Derek said. “Of course they’re harder for you.”
“Right,” Luca replied. As far as he was concerned, that didn’t need to be said. Of course things were harder for him than for fucking Derek, he was the one who had been in the accident and he was the one sitting across from his rude as fuck ex-boyfriend and trying to hatch an escape plan. Derek didn’t need to know that, but he might have seen the wheels in Luca’s head turning, because he instantly looked like he was about to break down. He cleared his throat
and when he spoke, his voice all but broke. “Luca, I want you to know, before I launch into the story of what happened in Vegas, that I have changed. I’m serious about that.”
“Okay,” Luca said, when it was clear that Derek needed him to say something. Luca would have preferred that he kept talking by himself, without prompting, but that was obviously not going to happen.
He was going to have to listen to Derek. He took a deep breath and steeled himself to hear the rest of Derek’s justification.
“I know that I was a huge asshole when we were together,” Derek continued. “You were a good person and I kept… you wanted more than I did, let’s just put it that way.”
That didn’t exactly ring true with Luca’s experiences, but he didn’t want to contradict Derek. He knew that contradicting Derek never led to anything good. He took a deep breath and continued watching Derek.
“Just so you know, Luca, I would have listened to you if it had happened now.”
“If what had happened now?”
“You know, what happened in Las Vegas.”
“I don’t actually know, Derek,” Luca replied. “That’s why I’m here.”
“I’ll tell you, okay? I promise that I’ll tell you.”
“Okay,” Luca said.
“But you have to promise that you’re not going to get up and walk away until I’m finished, okay? I don’t need you to promise that you’re going to forgive me because I don’t know that you’ll be able to do that, but I need you to promise that you’re going to hear me out.”
“I promise I’ll hear you out,” Luca said. “Can we get food first?”
“Of course,” Derek said.
After they had discussed what to eat for a little while, they settled on something and Derek flagged down the waiter to take their order. Luca noticed that Derek ordered him an alcoholic drink, but he stopped him and told him that his medication didn’t allow him to drink, which seemed to go down okay. At least it did outwardly, but Luca could still see the way that Derek seemed frustrated by this. After he explained that his medication and alcohol didn’t mix once more, Derek seemed to back off slightly. He didn’t think that Derek wanted him to stay sober and the whole thing made him feel a little worried. In truth, he wasn’t just a little worried, he was scared too. There was no way that he would be able to get out of there, not even if he needed to. And it was starting to feel like he might need to, like there might not be a way around needing to.
