by Lucia Grace
“Damn right you fucked-up.” I don’t let him finish. My anger is too palpable, my pain too raw, my wounds still too fresh even after all these years. And because of that, I explode.
“Four years, Kayson. It’s been four years and you choose now of all times to come back. You had plenty of time to return with your woe-is-me bullshit. But you didn’t. And you shouldn’t have come back now. Besides the few bullet holes marring my body, as you can see, I’m fine. I survived without you. So why you came back I’ll never know, and I never want to know.”
I’m lying. I’m lying though my teeth, but he can’t know that. He can’t know how seeing him after all this time is really making me feel.
“So now that you’ve seen me, you can go.”
“Jesus Christ, Ember. I know. But if you’d just let me—”
I slash my hand through the air as Kayson takes a step toward me. Halting him and his excuses in their tracks. “Kayson, you need to leave. Now.” I swallow hard. Saying his name for the first time is like swallowing broken glass. “I don’t know what you expected to happen, but whatever it was, it’s not fucking happening.”
His eyes widen in surprise at the f-bomb I just dropped. But I don’t give a damn.
I don’t even know what possessed me to unload like that on him.
I just know when he said my name, then started to apologize, my world shattered around me like it did all those years ago, and how it continues to do every time I merely think of him. So instead of letting him talk, I got my words out first.
Kayson opens his mouth to speak, but closes it just as quickly. Giving me one last look, then looking around the room at Damon and Momma, he turns and heads out the door.
The sobs I was holding back breaks free as I hear the click of the closed door. The finality of the sound firing off like a cannon. Bringing me back to that hot August night when Kayson broke my heart and faith in myself.
While also reminding me of the even greater loss we suffered together. The one he doesn’t even know about.
I cry harder at that thought and Momma rushes over as I gasp for air, trying to soothe me. But it feels as if my heart is breaking all over again. Just with that one glance through the eyes of the boy I used to love, through the eyes of the man I longed to have.
KAYSON
Hanging my head, I lean against the wall near her hospital room door as it shuts. I can hear Ember crying as her mom tries to calm her down. Worried her sobbing will aggravate her injures. Fuck!
I wasn’t prepared to see her. Not like that and not at all. As much as I talked myself into believing I was ready after four years, as much as I know that I needed to come back home to see her, she was still a shock to my system.
Despite her pale complexion and fragile body lying in that hospital bed, her beauty stunned me silent when I caught a glimpse of her smile—before it slipped when her eyes collided with mine. Then as I assessed her lying there, it’s as if all coherent thought and my entire vocabulary left me.
The shocked look that took over her face as I whispered her name forced me out of my stupor and into action. I let my need for her to hear me out override her feelings. I bombarded her with my bullshit when I should have taken her feelings and the circumstances into consideration.
I’m a fucking asshole.
But I had to try. I had to try and at least explain why, after all this time, I returned. But Ember wasn’t having any of it. As soon as she heard my voice something shifted behind her eyes, and her pouty lips set in a firm line.
Then she spoke.
At first I was lost in the throaty rasp of her voice that I haven’t heard in four years. Then the words she was tossing at me registered, and my heart jackhammered and split in my chest.
I knew my reappearance would be a shock. I knew she probably wouldn’t want to see me. I even expected her anger and pain. But I did not expect the ferocity and hatred behind each word. I didn’t expect her to come unhinged. And that’s exactly what happened.
She cursed. She yelled. She put me on my ass.
Gone was the timid girl I knew, and in her place was a strong woman I longed to know.
I hear the click of a door, which shakes me from my thoughts, and catch sight of Damon stepping out of the room.
“Man, I told you this wasn’t a good idea.”
“Yeah, well, it might not be, but I’m not leaving. Not after seeing her…” I trail off as her wounded face enters my thoughts yet again. “I need her to know I’m here and that I’ve changed.”
“And I told you that I agreed. But now of all times wasn’t the right time to do so. Fuck, will you ever listen to me? You saw how she reacted. You know I’m right. Now wasn’t the right time to spring your return on her.”
“If I listened to you I’d be waiting another four years before trying to win her back. And that shit ain’t happening. Her getting shot was the final push I needed to get my ass back here. So I’m here, and I’m not leaving this time. Whether it was the right move or not.”
Damon mutters under his breath, pissing me off even more and allowing my mind to run over what happened just moments ago in Ember’s hospital room.
As I run the last ten minutes through my mind, one part sticks out like a sore fucking thumb and I speak without thinking. “What the fuck were you touching her for anyway?”
“Are you fucking kidding me?” He’s exasperated and thinks I’m an idiot. Maybe I am. But watching him grab her hand and console her had me wanting to bare my teeth like a feral beast.
He takes a good look at me and knows I’m serious.
“Fuck, man.” He runs a hand over his buzzed head. “Not that I should have to explain anything to you, since she isn’t yours.” I take a menacing step toward him, ready to beat the piss out of him for even thinking Ember isn’t mine, and he tosses his hands up to halt my progress. “But I would never cross that line, and I’m fucking pissed you’d think otherwise. She’s a friend. Nothing more.”
Fucker is lucky he amended that comment, or I’d be wiping the floor with his smug as fuck face.
“You didn’t need to fucking touch her.”
“She was on the brink of a damn panic attack, Kase. I was trying to help calm her down.” He tosses his hands out to his sides, further exasperated by my caveman antics, but I don’t give a shit.
“If you went anywhere near her she’d have freaked out even more, you know that.” He grips the back of his neck with both hands. “But this isn’t even what we should be talking about right now. Me grabbing her hand isn’t important. What’s important is that you listen to her and give her some space.”
Damon goes to continue yet another lecture, but I cut him off before he can even start. “I know. I’ll give her the space she needs, but after four years I’m done running.”
“You can’t expect to come back and she’s going to accept you with open arms. She was just fucking shot for Christ’s sake. She needs space so fucking give it to her. You need to think about her. Not you.”
I look over at him as if he’s lost his ever-loving mind.
“She’s consumed my thoughts every day for four fucking years, Damon. Not one day going by without missing her and needing her and regretting all of my bullshit. Yeah, this fucked-up shit and her getting injured is why I came back. But you know I always planned on it. You know getting back here and winning her back was always my plan. So don’t spout off your self-righteous bullshit. Ember is all I’m worried about. She’s all I’m thinking about. But she needs to know how serious I am, and I’m going to show her.”
With that I give Damon one final look to let him know how serious I am and then push off the wall. I head down the hallway, past the waiting room, then out the door with only one thought on my mind.
Ember.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
EMBER
I was told as long as Doctor Carter gave the okay I’d be going home tomorrow. He was impressed with my progress and satisfied that my risk of the infection retur
ning was minimal enough that I should be able to go. I’m hoping so, because I want my own bed and my own space. I want to be able to recover and process in the safety of my own home. I want to be able to cry and grieve and rage in private without prying eyes. I want to be given the chance to break on my own so I can attempt to move on.
And in order to heal, that’s what I need to do.
I’m still sore and tender though, my stomach especially, but I’m not giving up the chance to go home, and the pain is nothing compared to the fear that consumes me daily. Then there are the nightmares…
So I called my girls to see if they would mind grabbing a bag of some clean clothes for tomorrow to give Momma a rest. She hasn’t left my side for the week that I’ve been here, but I forced her out today to go home to shower and get some sleep in her own bed. She huffed and puffed for a good twenty minutes before she listened.
Thank God.
I love Momma and am beyond thankful for all she’s done for me, but her constant hovering was wearing on me. I understand she needs to make sure I’m okay since the incident, especially after the setback of the infection I got, but I really needed this break as much as she did.
So I made the call and Sam assured me she and Tracey wouldn’t mind at all and they should be here within the hour. I can’t wait to see them, but I’m almost dreading telling them of my surprise visitor the other day, but I know I need to. For me and for them so they don’t hear it elsewhere.
Or worse, see him around town.
As I finish that thought, there’s a light knock on the door and then it bursts open with Sam leading and Tracey following.
“I knocked, but you-know-who decided it would be best to push me out of the way and bust through the door instead,” Tracey complains, as she glares jokingly at Sam.
I can’t help but giggle lightly at their antics. Sam and Tracey are like oil and water they are so different. Yet, at the same time, they go together like peanut butter and jelly. And that’s why they are two of my greatest friends.
That’s also how they can tell something is off, besides the obvious, and ask in unison, “What’s wrong?”
I don’t even bother beating around the bush. “Kayson is back.”
I hold my breath waiting for them to erupt. I don’t have to wait long.
“That motherfucking cocksucker,” Sam whispers harshly.
I look to Tracey for her reaction and see her toss her head back to look up at the ceiling.
They both finish muttering to themselves then take a seat. Tracey at the foot of my bed and Sam at Momma’s designated seat by my side.
Sam seems to be trying to collect herself, while Tracey inhales a deep breath before cutting to the chase.
“And what does this mean for you?”
I look up, into Tracey’s brown eyes so similar to mine, a touch of confusion sweeping over my features. “What do you mean?
“I mean, what does Kayson being back mean for you?”
Now it’s my turn to take a deep breath. I release it slowly before I reply as honestly as I can. “To be honest, I don’t really know.”
A look of understanding crosses her face. Then sadness follows.
“We watched you crumble. We watched you mourn. We watched you fall apart for almost two years before you found the courage to pick yourself back up and piece yourself back together again.”
“I was able to because of you ladies and Momma. Your strength and belief in me gave me that courage,” I interject softly yet fiercely. Wanting them to know how thankful I still am for their support those first two years after Kayson left me, shattered and alone. After I suffered the two biggest loses my heart will ever know.
They both offer me sympathetic yet proud smiles of understanding. Just like they always do when my past is brought up. Tracey continues on.
“Then we watched you flourish and grow into this amazingly strong and sassy woman we all knew you were. You fought back, you finished your degree, you got a job. You did all of that without him, babe. All of it. We worry about you, Em. We just want what’s best for you. So when you say that son of a bitch is back we panic because we don’t want to see you fall that deep again.”
“I know that, you guys. Believe me, I’m just as pissed that he had the audacity to show up here, and now of all times.”
“Did he say why he chose now?” Sam asks, her eyes simmering with restrained anger.
“I didn’t really give him a chance to explain. He walked in. We were both speechless and in shock. He started to talk, and then I blew a gasket and kicked him out before I broke down in front of him.”
Both women offer me those same sympathetic yet proud smiles they wore before.
“I think it’s because of the shooting though,” I quietly add. “Before I kicked him out he made the comment about seeing it on the news, so he ‘had to come back to me’,” I say, using finger quotations and doing my best impersonation of Kayson’s voice.
“There’s something else you aren’t telling us,” Sam interjects, halting all my thoughts. She gives the side eye to Tracey and then they both look at me expectantly.
“No, there’s not.” Now I beat around the bush.
“Don’t even try it. We can tell. What is it?” Tracey interrupts.
I bite my thumbnail.
“He’s gorgeous,” I blurt out around my hand.
They groan in unison.
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it. It’s Kayson, but the grown-up version. And if it’s even possible he looks even better now than he used to.” Now it’s my turn to groan.
It’s silent for a few minutes before Sam breaks it. Or shatters it really.
“I’m assuming you didn’t tell him…” Sam trails off, letting her question hang in the air. I know what she’s asking and tears immediately blur my vision with the reminder.
I shake my head as the first silent tear falls.
“No,” I whisper. “I didn’t have the chance and that isn’t something to share with him in anger. To be honest, I was so shocked that he was here that it didn’t even cross my mind until he walked out the door.”
“You’re going to have to tell him though. As much as it’s going to hurt and even though he’s the biggest dickhead known to man, he deserves to know. So you’re going to have to tell him.”
My eyes slide closed out of regret and anger. Regret for waiting all these years to tell Kayson and anger for having to tell him at all. He should have known already. Not because I should have had to hunt him down to tell him, but because he should have been here to suffer along with me.
I know he deserves to know. But I have to take this one step at a time, and my first step is getting home so I can start to heal. I can’t worry about the secrets that I harbor when he has his own explaining to do.
If I ever let him.
So with that thought, I ignore Sam’s and Tracey’s knowing looks and change the subject.
“You know what the worst part is? Not me being shot, not Kayson returning. But the worst part is that along with shooting me and terrifying my poor students, that man also took away my right as a mother to mourn another year without my son and celebrate another birthday.”
Just when I thought I had my tears under control they start to fall from my eyes yet again, which has Sam and Tracey huddling around me. Consoling me.
I then completely lose it when a light knock sounds at the door and Amber walks in. I met her my freshman year of college and we became instant friends. I brought her to hang out with Sam and Tracey once and since then have become a tight-knit group.
Her timing impeccable.
“Hey, sorry I’m late,” she says quietly as she shuts the door behind her. In her right hand she holds a small, white frosted cake with blue trim. Four light blue, unlit candles stick out from the top.
“Oh, you guys.” I barely get out the words between my tears and blubbering. Despite everything, my heart feels so full because of these three women who have surrounded me with nothing bu
t love and support.
“We knew not being able to celebrate KJ’s life would wreck you, so we wanted to make sure we could do this. For both of you,” she says as she sets the mini cake down on the tray table then slides it over me.
Then, during one of the hardest times I’ve ever had to endure, three of the most important people in my life surround me and create one of the greatest memories with me as we sing happy birthday to my little boy who is loved more than he will ever have had the chance to know.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
EMBER
I sit back slowly, take a breath, then close my eyes and try to relax for the first time since Thursday. But my mind won’t shut down. Moments and thoughts bombard my mind, one after another.
The terrors of the shooting. Waking up in the hospital. Kayson.
With everything that’s happened over the last week you’d think Kayson’s return would be the least of my worries. But it’s not. His presence has rocked me more than anything else.
I cannot believe he’s back. That just a few days ago he was standing in front of me. All six foot plus glorious inches of him.
Dammit. I hate that even after all of these years apart he still affects me like no one else ever could.
Or ever has.
I wish I wasn’t so affected by him. I wish I could will my stupid heart to calm down and remind my traitorous body of what he put me through. But none of it matters because my heart and body know who they belong to.
Who they’ve always belonged to.
A knock at the door stirs me from my thoughts. As I start to lean forward a throbbing pain starts in my abdomen, so I slowly lean back again.
“Come in,” I yell from my seated position, thinking it must be Momma coming back from the pharmacy and market.
But if it was Momma she would have walked back in since she was just stepping out to refill my pain medication and antibiotics, along with picking up a few groceries.
As that thought filters through my mind, and I realize that I could have just invited anyone into my apartment, I hear the doorknob turn and a heavy-booted foot enter.
