by Lucia Grace
“To say I hit rock bottom would be an understatement. There I was, twenty years old, broke, alone with no friends or family, and now out of a place to live. You’d think my first thought would have been about me, and all the bullshit I was about to face. But it wasn’t. Because the hardest decision I ever made flashed through my mind, and right then and there I vowed to clean myself up and make something of myself. So I made a phone call to the only person I knew could and would help me, and from that day on I never touched a single drop of alcohol, never snorted another line, or popped another pill. With the help of my best friend I got myself into a rehabilitation facility and never looked back.”
I take my eyes off the center of the circle and swing my gaze to Ember. She’s looking at me, tears silently streaming down her face.
“Of course it isn’t always easy, and I have my days. It isn’t so much that I crave that lifestyle or the drugs. It’s just there, like a reminder. A reminder of the struggle I’ll always have with addiction.”
I take another deep breath then place my hand over Ember’s that is still on my thigh.
“But when those thoughts get too heavy, I pull out this reminder.” My bronze medallion still clutched in my right hand. “The reminder that I made it. That I conquered my demons. And that I have too much to live for to give up now.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
EMBER
To say I’m shocked that Kayson took me to one of his addiction meetings would be an understatement. I couldn’t imagine why he was having me meet him at the church in town, but as soon as he told me, and then I heard him speak, the last piece of my heart I was holding onto was given to him.
Hearing the emotion in his voice. Seeing the love in his eyes as he looked over at me and professed that he had too much to live for. All of it proved what I realized the other night after our date; I am irrevocably and completely in love with Kayson Williams.
But after tonight I’m terrified that none of it will matter because I’m about to shatter it all. All the growth and healing we’ve achieved in the last few days won’t matter after I finally tell him what I’ve been keeping from him.
“I need to tell you something.”
I said it so quietly I’m surprised he heard me, but I know he did when he replies. “Okay…you can tell me anything. You know that.” He’s hesitant and it’s killing me. I know what he revealed tonight was meant to clear the air for us, but with how I’m acting he probably thinks I never want to see him again. I could see the unease filter through his eyes as he walked me to my car and I asked him to meet me back here at my apartment.
I shift on the couch. He walks further into the room and sits down next to me, laying a gentle hand on my thigh. I’m sure he can feel me trembling beneath his touch.
“What’s wrong?” He sounds nervous. Like he knows what I’m about to say will change our lives forever.
He couldn’t be more right.
I can’t stop shaking. I’m so scared. Scared that he’ll either be happy I didn’t bring our son into the world, or that he’ll be so mad at me for not telling him sooner that he’ll never forgive me. I don’t know which one’s worse. The idea of either scenario churns my stomach so fiercely I have to swallow down the bile.
Deep breaths, Ember, you can do this.
“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m just going to say it.” Deep breath. “That day you left me four years ago, I was coming to tell you something. I know we were fighting and that party ruined us since you left me three days later…” I don’t get to finish because he cuts me off.
“What do you mean you were going to tell me something? What was it?” He’s getting agitated. I can tell by the tick in his jaw. He’s agitated and I haven’t even told him what I need to, what I’ve been hiding from him. But I also see the relief relax his features a touch when he realizes it has nothing to do with tonight.
“I was coming to tell you I was pregnant. We were pregnant. We were having a baby,” I blurt out, then throw my hand over my mouth to stifle my sob.
“P-pregnant?” he stammers. “What do you mean, pregnant? I don’t see a child anywhere now, Ember. Are you telling me you gave up our child for adoption? Our flesh and blood? Or…did you terminate?” He swallows hard as his face gets redder and redder. I can see the turmoil swirling in his steely gray depths.
I can guarantee he never thought this is what I had to talk to him about when I asked him to come in tonight. I couldn’t keep it to myself any longer. I couldn’t keep punishing him for our past, for his wrongs, when I couldn’t even make mine right.
“Of course I didn’t! Why would you even ask that?”
“Well can you blame me when there isn’t a child here, Ember! What the fuck am I supposed to think?”
“I lost him! Okay? I lost our precious little boy.” Tears are streaming down my face. I can’t control them. I don’t even try.
“I couldn’t keep you, and I couldn’t keep him. Both of you, gone.”
I’m sobbing now. Almost hysterically so. I can barely see Kayson through my tears.
KAYSON
I can’t be hearing her correctly. No way did the love of my life just tell me that she lost a baby. Our baby. No way. I refuse to believe it.
“Come again? I thought I just heard you say you lost our baby.”
“Ye-yes. I don’t know what happened. He was growing—”
“Wait! A him? We were going to have a boy? A son?” I cut her off.
Did she say that before? A son?
“Kayson, I’m so sorry! I did all I could.”
She throws herself across the couch, clutching onto me for dear life. Her arms clenched around my shoulders, her face buried in my neck. She’s holding on like I might just disappear. While me, I’m just fighting to bring in my next breath.
“From day one I loved him completely. Whole-heartedly. And then, one day, he was just…gone,” she ends on a whisper, sobbing uncontrollably in my arms as she tells me what happened. But I only catch bits and pieces.
“Found out in August…the day before I left her… At sixteen weeks found out…a boy…naming him KJ for Kayson Jr… Carried a healthy baby to thirty-two weeks…”
“Something wasn’t right…emergency room…gone… The umbilical cord wrapped around his neck…did all I could…I’m sorry. So, so sorry…”
Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.
Grief and despair unlike anything I’ve ever felt swallows me whole. I can’t hear her anymore. Not her sobs of apology. Not her words of explanation. Nothing but the rushing of blood in my ears. Nothing but my sorrow consuming me, drowning me.
But quickly following my desperation comes the anger. Then the rage. And then I erupt.
I shove off the couch after pulling away from Ember. Rage prickling my skin.
“You mean to fucking tell me that all this time you’ve been keeping this from me? Condemning me for our past, for the hurts I’ve caused you, and you’ve been keeping this from me?”
The nodding of her head pisses me off and I roar, “ANSWER ME!” My chest is heaving so hard I may pass out.
“I had a fucking son, who fucking died, and you didn’t find it important to tell me that? Huh? Not one of the fucking times you were laying into me, blaming and accusing, it didn’t occur to you to TELL ME!” I’m shouting so loud I’m surprised the windows don’t shatter.
“I-I-I’m s-s-so-sorry…” She hiccups out. Too upset to say anything else.
“The ‘I’m sorry’s aren’t going to bring him back, Ember. ‘I’m sorry’s aren’t going to explain to me why you waited this long to fucking tell me. I bared my fucking soul to you and a group of strangers tonight to prove to you that I was a changed man, and all this time you’ve been making me feel unworthy, you’ve been holding this from me!”
“I let my hurt and anger of you leaving me consume me, Kayson. I was selfish, fine! Call me selfish. But it isn’t like I did this on purpose like the things you did to me. You may regret them but you did
them. I didn’t do this!” She’s starting to yell, but she’s fighting for air just like me.
Her dropped bomb seems to have sucked it all out of the room.
“I lost a baby! My baby. My baby that I had to be induced to give birth to because I was too far along for a D&C.” She starts to yell louder while the sobs continue to rack her body.
“I had to give birth to my dead baby. ME! Do you know what that’s like? To push and push for hours, only to not be greeted by the sounds of his first cries. To cry out in relief and sorrow when it’s all over. Relief for the physical pain to be gone, but sorrow for the emotional pain that will forever be there. Do you know what it’s like to have them place your newborn son onto your bare chest for your first hello and your last goodbye? No, you don’t. Because YOU LEFT!”
Ember crashes back against the back of the couch. Legs curled up to her heaving chest. Tears cascading down her red face. But I can’t find it in me to care while my entire fucking world is crashing around me.
I have to get the fuck out of here. I need a drink. That thought causes me to falter. But fuck it.
CHAPTER THIRTY-FOUR
KAYSON
I walk through the doors of the local dive bar in town, not giving a shit that I’m about to blow my two-year sobriety that I just bragged about tonight.
Go figure that it’s tonight of all nights.
But I deserve a fucking drink after the bomb that was just dropped on me. I deserve a whole lot fucking more than that, but I’ll settle for the burn of a good bottle of JD.
I cannot fucking believe Ember kept this from me. For four fucking years she kept the fact that we had, and lost, a son together. She fucking kept that from me. She took away my right as a father to grieve and mourn. Yes, I left her. Yes, I kept us apart. But that day four years ago she had the chance to tell me she was pregnant and then every day since I’ve been back she’s had the chance to tell me of our loss.
And she fucking didn’t.
Instead she fucking condemned me, punished me, for our past. For a decision I made when we were kids. A fucking mistake I have regretted every damn day of the four fucking years I had to live without her. But that was a fucking decision based on shit she knew about. It may have been abrupt. It may have been soul crushing. But she fucking knew and had time to deal with it.
But she never gave me that option. She never fucking told me about carrying my child. And that’s the worst part of it all because if she had told me that day back in August all those years ago, she may have been able to change the course of the last four years.
It’s a shitty thing to think, but I don’t give a fuck. I know we wouldn’t have been able to save our baby, but he may have been able to save us.
I hang my head and slam my eyes closed as tears burn behind my eyelids. Tonight’s events playing like a movie reel through my mind. What started out being one of the most nerve-racking nights of my life turned into one of the worst. But not for the reasons I thought.
I figured as soon as Ember asked me to meet her at her apartment that I was fucked. That it didn’t matter that I shared my past and recovery with her in front of a bunch of strangers. But what she unveiled completely blindsided me.
The clearing of a throat from in front of me has me slowly raising my head to find a middle-aged, busty, bottled blonde staring at me.
“What’ll it be, doll?” Her voice rough, probably from smoking a pack a day for the last twenty years. I ignore the pop of her gum and her bored expression.
“Whiskey. Neat. Make it a double.”
“You got it, babe,” she replies, after blowing and popping yet another bubble.
As she slides the glass in front of me, I hear the creak of the old bar’s door opening then closing. I know it’s him before he even starts barking at me.
“Kayson, what the fuck are you doing? Put the fucking glass down now and let’s fucking go.” Just the sound of his voice has my blood pressure skyrocketing yet again. This motherfucker has some nerve waltzing in here on his high horse, demanding anything of me.
“How the fuck did you even find me?” I ignore his order and condescending tone. Trying to calm myself down enough with a question so I don’t just lay this fucker out without hearing him out first. He is my best friend after all. My best friend who kept something from me because no way did he not know.
“Ember called me, so fucking hysterical I could barely understand her. She told me you got into a fight and that you blew up then stormed out. She was frantic. Afraid you’d run back to the bottle.” I scoff at the fucker, but he continues on like I didn’t. “I was hoping she was wrong. I told her no way would you come back to this life after the hell you suffered to climb out of it. But I thought I’d check just in case my best friend lost his motherfucking mind. Glad I did. Guess you proved to be the coward I swore you weren’t anymore.”
“You have some fucking nerve calling me a fucking coward, friend,” I sneer at him as I slam the full glass of whiskey to the bar and push up from the stool. Not hearing it crash to the grimy floor behind me, ignoring the spilled whiskey on the bar top.
“What the fuck are you talking about?” His voice is strong, but there’s an unease in his eyes because he knows exactly what the fuck I’m talking about.
“I bet you just loved playing her knight in shining armor didn’t you, you son of a bitch?” I shove at Damon’s chest when he makes to move even closer to me.
He stumbles back a step and throws his arms up. “Seriously, man, what the fuck are you talking about?”
“With Ember and the baby. My fucking baby!” I roar with all my might. “You fucking knew and never fucking told me. And don’t even try to tell me that you didn’t. You’re my best fucking friend and you never fucking told me that I lost a fucking son!” White-hot tears of anger and grief roll down my face unchecked. I give no fucks as to who sees me losing my shit.
Damon moves to take a step toward me again and that’s the wrong fucking move. I cock my right arm back and slam my fist against his jaw. Only dropping him back a few steps since he matches me in height and weight.
He spits a mouthful of blood to the floor and rubs his jaw. “That’s your only free one. You hear me? I may have fucked-up in not telling you or giving you a heads-up, but that wasn’t my place. It wasn’t my job to tell you what happened. Plus you checked out. You left.”
I go to punch him again but he’s expecting it and blocks my blow. Delivering one of his own.
My head snaps to the right and now it’s my turn to spit the copper taste from my mouth.
“I told you that you got one. I meant it.”
I glare over to Damon. Fire igniting in my veins. Blood rushing through my ears.
“Tonight I finally told Ember all the details of my recovery, and I thought for sure I lost her for good. I thought for sure that after hearing about it all that she was done, that none of it mattered.” I swipe my forearm along my face. “But I was never prepared for what I learned tonight.”
“Man, even though I think she did the right thing you have to know how sorry—”
“Sorry? For two months since I came back I’ve been trying to prove myself to Ember. Make her see that I’m a changed man. And all this time the joke has been on me, huh?”
“Kayson—”
“No, Damon. Fuck you. Out of all the people in this fucked-up world I’ve always counted on you. Yeah, Ember should have told me, but when you knew she didn’t, you should have.” I shake my head in disgust at him. Sickened by the fact that he knew and kept this from me. I turn away from him, heading toward the door to leave when he speaks up.
“Where the fuck are you going?” he asks, and I look back at him as he wipes the remaining blood from his lip.
“I’m going to talk to Ember like I should have before.” I jab my finger at him when he goes to speak. “And as you said before, this shit isn’t your place, so you better not fucking follow me.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
EMBER
I’m still a crumpled mess of tears and agony piled on the floor of the hallway. Hidden behind the couch with a partial view of the front door. I haven’t moved since I collapsed after hanging up with Damon.
I can’t.
Not when the pain and anguish flashing across Kayson’s face are still so fresh. Not when his hurtful words still pour over me as I replay them over and over again.
The utter devastation and regret. The loss and sorrow. The hatred and anger. All of it ignited behind his eyes and exploded through his fury. At me, at himself, and at the cruelty of this world.
A sob hitches in my throat as Kayson bursts through my still unlocked front door. It almost flies off the hinges as it slams off the wall, denting it.
“Ember!” he yells and the sound ricochets off the walls.
My hitched sob finally breaks free as it tumbles past my lips, alerting him of my position on the floor.
I hear his heavy booted footfalls before they come into view around the couch dividing the hallway and living room. He stops suddenly when he sees me, but I don’t move to look up at him. I can’t stand to see the fury and devastation swirling in his eyes. The disappointment in myself is great enough; I don’t need his on top of it.
“Have you been sitting here this whole time?” His voice is gruff and demanding, with a hint of guilt and disbelief. When I make no move to look up at him or respond he tries again. “Ember, I’ve been gone for three fucking hours. Have you been sitting there the entire fucking time?”
Three hours? Has he really been gone that long?
It feels like just moments ago he stormed out on me. On us. On the news of the loss of our son. I gasp when I finally look up at him, nodding my head slightly. His clenched right fist holds busted knuckles and the left side of his scruffy jaw is swollen and bruising.
Damon.
My eyes close briefly at the thought of them fighting because of me, then flutter open as Kayson’s breathing picks up. His hard, assessing eyes take in my puffy, bloodshot ones and his soften marginally. But they harden just as quickly, as if he remembers why he stormed out of here in the first place. I stand slowly as I try to compose myself. I can’t take my eyes off of his face.
