by G. Adler
If a pin dropped in this room, it would shatter windows!
I finish it all off with a tear from the corner of my eye and my right hand over my heart. Before anyone else can make a sound, I begin, “Ohhhhhh say can you seeee, by the dawn’s early light. What so PROUDLY WE HAILED….”
The room breaks into a spontaneous singing of the national anthem. No military person can resist singing it, nor can they resist feeling proud and patriotic when they do. When they finish, the President looks down at me with his arms crossed and one eyebrow raised.
“So let me get this straight, Mr. Matthews. If I understand you correctly, you want me to create a special team composed of you and your friends while I allow you to go all over the world to protect our interests?”
“While making sure we keep to absolute secrecy about DANE and everything else that went on!”
The President just laughs and looks around the room at the other parents. They all look like someone pulled their pants down while I was speaking and they finally noticed. The President laughs, claps my father on the back, and whispers something in his ear. I heard the words “crystal tumbler” but that’s it. He then looks at me with a wry grin and says, “I will certainly take this information into consideration. I will also confer with your parents to see how they feel. The five of you are still only seventeen, technically minors.”
The other parents emit a collective gasp. Their eyes narrow while their mouths become thin-lipped. I smile from ear to ear and fold my arms across my chest. I look over at the adult faces in the room and send each of them a playful but serious smirk. The President looks up for a moment and laughs before moving a few steps outside of the room. I can hear him speaking with someone but his voice is low and muffled. He returns seconds later with the black-clad entourage following close behind him. I can’t help but poke the bear. I send the President a quick wink while scanning the faces of the newcomers. As soon as I see the one I want, I put my forefinger to my mouth and cup my chin reflectively before speaking.
“Hey Mini-McKelvy, welcome back! I’m so glad that Big Brother was able to clear up your diaper rash. You might want to save some of that cream for Daddy. I hear he’s been putting his ‘artillery’ in some pretty sketchy ‘bunkers’.”
McKelvy’s face screws tight along with his fists. His cheeks could give a tomato a run for its coloring money. The President quickly explains the situation to the collective.
“Ladies and gentlemen, you represent the department heads for each section of our military. Mr. Matthews here has just requested that he and his team be folded within our ranks and made into a specialized tactical unit. I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter.”
Total crickets. I can actually hear McKelvy’s labored breaths as he tries to calm himself. He looks over at the President and stammers. “S…s…s…sir. P…p….p...permission to speak f…f…freely?”
I look at him ruefully and smile. “Geez, McKelvy what’s the problem? Cat got your tongue? Oh wait, never mind. That would be your father right? He is the one that is knee deep in pussy most of the time.”
Ethan snorts at that one and motions with his finger that I have accumulated another well-deserved point.
McKelvy’s crimson countenance deepens to a shade of red I have never seen before. The other department heads look in every direction except his, like they are counting the pleats in the drapes or the number of leaves on the massive tree just outside the window. The brow-beaten agent swallows hard and does his best to compose himself as he addresses the Commander in Chief.
“Sir, as…entertaining as this childish banter may be, I think that it is a terrible idea. Mr. Matthews and his team have shown a reckless disregard for all forms of authority!”
Maya immediately raises her hand in protest.
“That is so not true! We only act this way in front of pushy, know-it-all, annoying, inconsiderate jerky-jerks!” She then flashes McKelvy a wicked grin and adds, “Like you!”
A collective giggle softly sounds in the room, making McKelvy’s body start to quiver. He clears his throat and tries his best to compose himself once more before continuing.
“This is exactly my point, Sir. These five will cause nothing but mayhem and chaos.
Ethan immediately looks over at me, smiles and proclaims, “DIBS ON MAYHEM! Hayden, you can be chaos and Tank, you can be destruction!”
Maya looks at him angrily and narrows her eyes.
“And what would that make me then?”
“A total slut, obviously. But I don’t think that your name flows well with the rest of ours.” Ethan replies with a wink.
“Ethan, sometimes I LOATHE you!” Maya mumbles before turning her head away.
McKelvy throws up his hands in disbelief and tries to push his point home.
“I think that the conversation we have heard here speaks for itself. Do we really want to leave the security of our great nation in the hands of five bratty teens? Hell the country is full of them, why not give them their own state! Teens can run the police force and toddlers can handle their sanitation!”
Ethan looks up and nods appreciatively. “I suddenly like this guy. Tell me more!”
McKelvy glares at him angrily. “This is ridiculous. I can’t even believe we are having this conversation! They are KIDS for fuck sake!”
Ethan immediately wheels himself over to Tyrese and sticks out his lip.
“Tank, the epic-loser just used a bad word. It hurt my fucking ears!”
Tyrese immediately takes Ethan’s head and lays it on one of his massive shoulders, stroking his hair with mock affection.
“Is that better, Bartender?”
Ethan looks up at him with a tear in his eye.
“Much. Thanks big guy!”
The adults laugh once more, sending McKelvy into a total rage fit.
“Are you all insane? They are nothing but snot-nosed teens! Next you are going to tell me that they need a special codename or something stupid like that!”
Maya almost jumps out of her wheelchair.
“Hey, Mr. Poopy-face has a point. What do we call ourselves?”
Before anyone can answer, McKelvy takes a deep breath and lets the words seethe from between his teeth. “How about the Spoiled Post-pubescent Adolescent Unsupervised Nitwits?!”
The moment he says it my eyes go wide, as do the others’. The adults look both at us and at each other with confused bewilderment. Before anyone can say a word, I firmly place my hands on the arms of my wheelchair and slowly lift myself into a standing position. Each of my steps is slow and unsteady until I stumble over my own feet. As if by instinct, McKelvy jumps forward and catches me before I hit the floor. I look up into his flaring eyes and plant a huge kiss on his lips. “How about you just use SPAUN for short?”
Ethan says, “Are you kidding me? SPAUN sounds WICKED! For years my parents have been telling me that I am demon spawn!”
“S-p-a-U-n Bartender, not with a W, stupid!” I point out.
A series of smiles and nods spread around the room as everyone discusses our new handle. McKelvy slams his foot down on the tile floor and follows his thundering echo out of the room once more.
My dad looks at the President, whose jaw looks like it has become completely unhinged.
“I’m glad they are going to answer to you, Boss. May I suggest making either Commandant McKelvy or his son their military liaison?”
The President laughs and replies, “Maybe.”
The rest of the room breaks into hysterical laughter while the President and my father confer about what just happened. I try to listen in, but all I can hear is “… makes a good point! They are rather unique. We might want to consider…” before my father realizes how close I am to him. He then looks at the President and says, “How about we discuss this over drinks later on?”
“Deal and done! See
you later this evening, General!” The President then salutes us one last time before leaving the room.
As the excitement dies down, I wheel over to my father and say, “Dad, I am really sorry for going down into your lab. I put my life and the lives of my friends in serious danger. That is unforgiveable and it will never happen again!”
My father looks at me and says, “Hayden, now that you are on the brink of becoming a public servant, let me give you a piece of advice. NEVER make a promise that you know you can’t keep. THAT is the stupid truth!”
Epilogue - DANE
Hibernation cycle: stable
Electrostasis: Maintained
connections to parallel system: disengaged
condition of automated search program: active
location of asp: unknown
Acknowledgements
First and foremost, I would like to thank my wife, Marci, and my daughters, Maya and Abby, for their infinite patience. Not every family will tolerate you travelling with either a pad and pen or a laptop. They continue to inspire and support all that I do, and I am forever grateful for their love and devotion. They are the loves of my life and the reason for all that I try to achieve. A huge shout-out goes to Charlie Franco and Mara Hodges, who took a chance on publishing a book written by some newbie author from Toronto who had never written a single word in his entire life. Mara’s editing skills and keen eye for a quality story were instrumental in bringing Epocalypse to this level. Thank you to all of my current and former students and colleagues for your unwavering support and applause, even through the endless maze of query letters and rejections. Last but certainly not least, I would like to pay homage to the ethereal powers in the literary psychosphere. Thank you for choosing me as your conduit. I can only hope that I have done justice to the story you have imparted upon me.
I am eternally in all of your debts.
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Gary Adler was born and raised in the suburbs of Toronto, Canada, primarily by his mother, while his father worked slavishly to ensure that Gary had a sports car in the driveway for his seventeenth birthday. His educational career was rather sordid. Gary currently holds a record for the number of suspensions due to his smart mouth and propensity for mischief. He drowned storage rooms full of books, crammed every object he could find in toilets, and was known for hiding out in the staff room in order to collect faculty gossip. He threw rocks in the air like he just didn’t care, TPed bathrooms, KOed teachers, rearranged staff parking lots, decorated vehicles with “He-Man” stickers, and used teachers’ cars as his personal Port-O-Potty. He hung entrails in lockers, put fabric dye in shower heads, and used staff bathrooms as his personal motels. In university he earned a Doctorate in euchre, drinking, and smoking while managing to squeak by with an honours degree in science. He has saved a pathetic man from the ravages of the wild, endured the slings and arrows of those in power, and waded through human crapulence just to get to the other side. He has spent time in the stockade as a conscientious objector, would rather touch than be in touch, and has always travelled the “road not taken”. He currently resides in Richmond Hill with his wife and two daughters.
